Monday, May 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Tiger Woods was arrested for DUI in Florida. Anyone who is worried about if he will ever be pain-free can pretty much relax when they see his mug shot.

Tiger Woods was arrested for DUI in Florida. The sad part is that he can’t get behind the wheel sober because of constant hallucinations he sees Elin Nordegren with a 9-iron in the rear-view mirror.

Tiger Woods was arrested for DUI in Florida. He has a problem being pulled over by the police as he never could keep it straight while driving.

Donald Trump is calling his first trip abroad as President a “home run.” Although after refusing to commit to the Paris climate agreement, shoving the Prime Minister of Montenegro and angering representatives of NATO, it turned into more of a run home.

A report says U.S. airlines could set a record this summer with as many as 234 Million passengers. The bad news will be for all the people who will be dragged off the planes because of only 210 Million available seats.

100 Thousand passengers were stranded because of a computer meltdown at British Airways. Or as Delta calls that, the Tuesday free meet-and-greet-your-fellow-passengers airport social hour.

The U.S. is weighing banning laptops on all international flights out of and into the country. The biggest problem will be for United passengers who won’t be able to go online to book an alternate flight for the missed connection when their plane takes off the usual four hours late.

A report says the National Spelling Bee champion is easier to predict than before. All anyone needs to do is put their money on any home schooled student carrying a copy of “Ulysses” who was raised in India where spelling family members’ names wins regional contests.

Experts say imposing a $100 carbon tax per metric ton by 2030 could save the world’s climate. The only problem is that it will be hard to cool the planet by burning that big of a pile of cash.

An official from Montenegro was prevented from changing planes in Moscow. Apparently after Donald Trump shoved the country’s Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin felt he had to get in on the action to keep from being upstaged.

The liquor lobby has started a campaign against Utah and its strict DUI laws. They are playing on people’s inability to stay in Utah more than two days while being completely sober.

The liquor lobby has started a campaign against Utah and its strict DUI laws. It’s already worked as Tiger Woods says you don’t need to tell him twice.

An Australian fisherman was stunned when an 8 foot great white shark flung itself into his 16 foot boat. Twenty bucks says the first words out of his mouth were “I think we need a bigger boat!”

The carnage from the British Airways IT meltdown will cost the airline a reported $111 Million. To which United is telling British no problem, just do what they always do and jack up the luggage fees another $25.

Donald Trump says Jared Kushner is “doing a great job.” Which is Trump’s way of saying that at least there is no indictment yet.

The BBB has issued a nationwide warning to customers against doing business with Payless Car Rental. Apparently the BBB just found out that their fleet actually contains vehicles made by Chrysler and Ford.

An analysis says during the summer months, 818 hot dogs are eaten every second. And that is just the eventual winner of the Nathan’s 4th of July hot dog eating contest.

Pepsi is looking to buy coconut water company Vita Coco. Which would be a nice change of pace to go along with their main product which is pretty much just sugar water.

NASA researchers are building technology to help drones land safely when they have mechanical problems. Like when the drones are shot out of the sky by people who are sick of their neighbors trying to spy on them all the time.

NASA researchers are building technology to help drones land safely when they have mechanical problems. Although first it would be nice to see NASA be able to land some sort of craft safely for once even when it isn’t having any mechanical issues.

DHS head John Kelly is considering banning laptops on all flights into and from the U.S. The reaction from travelers to the news shows the terrorists have now officially won.

DHS head John Kelly is considering banning laptops on all flights into and from the U.S. If he really wants to get rid of all potentially dangerous electronic gadgets, how about taking that iPhone with the Twitter app away from Donald Trump?

The Oklahoma state budget has caused schools to cut back to only four days a week. Which is good for the students who will find their part-time education will be the perfect way to prepare them for the new workplace that only offers part-time jobs.

A survey says 11% of Americans have never checked their credit score. For the same reason the other 89% have never looked at the number that comes up on the bathroom scale.

A survey says 11% of Americans have never checked their credit score. Mostly because they are already pretty sure that after being foreclosed, having a car repossessed and working a part-time minimum wage job, their score is probably not quite yet out of double digit territory.

A study says the healthiest way to improve sleep is with exercise. Although it is still not as fun or nearly as effective as heavy drinking.

A study says the healthiest way to improve sleep is with exercise. Although an even better way to get to sleep is to listen to other people talk about what they do every day when they work out at the gym.

“Baywatch” has bombed at the box office. It is so bad, people who saw the movie say they would rather watch David Hasselhoff drunk-eat a hamburger off the living room carpet.

Bernard Langer has bested Jack Nicklaus’ old record with his 9th senior major golf title. Although no one on Tour has still come even close to the all-time Tiger Woods record of 15 mistresses at the same time.

Cheerleading could become an Olympic sport by 2024. The gold medal will go not to the best performance but to the team that can still look ridiculously happy after winning the silver.

VR technology lest people experience a plane crash along with Tom Cruise from the movie “The Mummy.” Apparently the only way to have a more real deadly experience on a flight is to refuse to give up your seat when flying United.

VR technology lest people experience a plane crash along with Tom Cruise from the movie “The Mummy.” Although apparently the device is disappointingly unrealistic by showing Cruise standing six feet tall.

Payment data has been stolen from Chipotle in a computer breach. It was the biggest virus ever to hit Chipotle other than for the people who have ever ordered the chicken burrito.

Google co-founder Sergey Brin is planning on building a $100 Million blimp. Which shows the company that has led the way with cutting-edge innovations is about to make a breakthrough using aviation technology left over from the 1920s.

A financial adviser says investing in Bitcoins should be left to people willing to lose it all. Which is also pretty much a description of anyone putting their money into the stock market, banks and their 401(k) account.

Mark Zuckerberg supports a universal basic income. Which to live above the poverty level in Silicon Valley means everyone will have to be given at least $150,000 a year.

Mark Zuckerberg supports a universal basic income. Which means something a little less than what he makes which is currently around $3 Million an hour.

Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg are warning that millions of jobs will be lost to technology and automation in the near future. Which is mostly a result of the innovations developed by Zuckerberg and Gates so that the next 20 generations of their families will never have to work again.

House Speaker Paul Ryan was snubbed by Washington, D.C. 8th graders who would not take their picture with him. Which shows that maybe we need to consider lowering the voting age to 14.

French President Emmanuel Macron says his long handshake with Donald Trump was “not innocent.” Which means next time those two meet it will break down into arm wrestling, weight lifting with the tie breaker of who can spit the farthest.

French President Emmanuel Macron says his long handshake with Donald Trump was “not innocent.” Apparently he told Trump after shaking hands the longest “That’s for bullying my friend from Montenegro.”

Tennessee Senator Bob Corker says Jared Kushner will testify about his ties with Russia “when the time is right.” Which should be about ten minutes after the statute of limitations expires.

Joe Biden is questioning the Democrats’ strategy for targeting middle class voters. Which the Democrats rationalize mostly because it won’t do them that much good if they are even able to win over all three of them.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says Donald Trump shows how Europe can’t completely rely on the U.S. To which most Americans are saying “Tell us about it!”

A report says if Donald Trump pulls out of the Paris climate accord, we will join Syria and Nicaragua as the only three U.N. nations to be out. Which is fine for anyone who wants to have the same environment and climate as Syria and Nicaragua.

Donald Trump is reportedly considering a White House overhaul. Although he has to realize that it is almost impossible avoid any leaks when living in a house built in 1792.

Joe Biden urged Cornell graduates to “stop living in your screens.” Which the students weren’t sure they heard correctly since they were watching him while looking through the lens of their iPhones.

Tiger Woods gave a recent update of his comeback from his latest surgery, saying he won’t be able to twist for another two to three months. However, his doctors have given him the go ahead to do the Mashed Potato, Locomotion and Funky Chicken.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the music world with the death of Gregg Allman at age 69. People were shocked at the news. How did Gregg Allman manage to live to almost 70? Well, he lived a hard life but that is what made his music so great. A shout out to my friend Linda Evans Phillips who is a great artist and made a pencil sketch that Allman liked so much he used for the record sleeve on “I’m No Angel.” If you don’t know what a record sleeve is, I am just too old to help you here(sigh.) Anyway, It was nice having the holiday off, but I am back at it. I hope you are all rested and relaxed and refreshed and ready to work your way through whatever I have put down here today. I didn’t bother reading it myself so I hope it is OK. Just make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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