Friday, May 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A therapist blames the sex slump for American couples who are having less sex on social media. Mostly from women refusing to have sex with their partners after seeing who they are talking to and trading pictures with on social media sites.

The summer movie season is reportedly off to a rough start with a couple of disappointing releases like “King Arthur: Legend of the Sword.” Wouldn’t you know all the movie stars who are concerned about global warming are finding the only place that is cooling down is Hollywood?

A report says 70% of Millennials don’t have even $1,000 for a down payment on a house. Which is probably just as well since their minimum wage job will never give them enough to be able to afford any monthly payments after that anyway.

A report says 70% of Millennials don’t have even $1,000 for a down payment on a house. Which is sad for the ones who are living in their parents’ basement whose only possession is the college diploma on the wall they will instead be paying off the next 30 years.

A report says California farmers are desperate for workers because of Donald Trump’s crackdown on immigrants. The only problem is that Trump doesn’t care because he hasn’t actually eaten any fruits, vegetables or nuts since 1962.

A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her boyfriend with a dish of pork fried rice. The worst part was that an hour later she wanted to attack him again.

The 4th Circuit Court of Appeals has blocked Donald Trump’s proposed travel ban, saying it “drips with religious intolerance, animus and discrimination.” To which the Trump Administration is saying “and the problem is…?”

The 4th Circuit Court of Appeals has blocked Donald Trump’s proposed travel ban, saying it “drips with religious intolerance, animus and discrimination.” To which Trump is saying “But that’s the best part!”

The 4th Circuit Court of Appeals has blocked Donald Trump’s proposed travel ban, saying it “drips with religious intolerance, animus and discrimination.” What’s worse is that the court is in Richmond, Virginia which means southerner Attorney General Jeff Sessions can’t pick on the capital of the Confederacy like it was some kind of Pacific island.

An effort has failed to allow banks to charge even higher debit card swipe fees. Apparently lawmakers felt that all the other fees banks stick their customers allows them to swipe enough already.

French President Macron outlasted Donald Trump in a handshake duel that lasted six seconds. It was so competitive that the next time they meet they are planning to greet with rock, paper, scissors that goes to arm wrestling for the tiebreaker.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity has been losing advertisers after continuing to air a debunked conspiracy theory. Which does nothing to address the conspiracy theory that explains how Sean Hannity has stayed on the air at Fox News for eight years.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity has been losing advertisers after continuing to air a debunked conspiracy theory. Has anyone watched Hannity lately? Airing debunked conspiracy theories is called his nightly rundown.

Mark Zuckerberg gave the commencement speech at Harvard University. Which was kind of awkward to have someone who dropped out after two years and is now one of the richest people on the planet talk to the people who graduated and are looking at paying off $200,000 in college loans.

Mark Zuckerberg gave the commencement speech at Harvard University, telling graduates to create a world where everyone has a sense of purpose. Which is interesting coming from the person who started the social network that has people staring at cat videos eight hours a day.

A survey says the night people are most likely to get a good night’s sleep is Thursday. Mostly the ones who sit in front of the TV set before bed and watch Charlie Rose on PBS, “Beat Shazam” on Fox and “Shark Tank” on ABC.

Microsoft’s video game streaming service has changed its name from “Beam” to “Mixer.” If changing a name was all it takes to fix slumping sales, then why after all these years is it still called Microsoft?

Former Ford CEO Mark Fields will be given a $54.4 Million severance package. Which is slightly different than what awaits all the workers who will soon be laid off which is a hearty handshake and directions to the unemployment office.

Former Ford CEO Mark Fields will be given a $54.4 Million severance package. Imagine how much money he would have gotten if he had actually performed his job well?

Former Ford CEO Mark Fields will be given a $54.4 Million severance package. That ought to scare the person taking his place into making sure things turn around and go much better this time.

Donald Trump has angered U.S. farmers by lifting the ban on lemons from Argentina. Apparently he is telling them that they just need to take the bad news that comes with those imported lemons and turn it into lemonade.

Donald Trump has angered U.S. farmers by lifting the ban on lemons from Argentina. Apparently his message to the farmers over the lemons is don’t be bitter.

Donald Trump has angered U.S. farmers by lifting the ban on lemons from Argentina. The word is he is trying to make a trade and send Argentina CNN’s Don Lemon.

The feds have reportedly halted an alleged student loan debt relief scam. Which wouldn’t be necessary if there wasn’t the scam that suckered all the students in the first place called college tuition loans.

Elvis Presley’s personal jet is on the auction block. It became obsolete for Elvis when it remained a private jet and he turned into a wide body.

Donald Trump’s iPhone reportedly only has one app, and that is for Twitter. Mostly because who has time to play Candy Crush when you are busy trying to start up World War III?

Donald Trump’s iPhone reportedly only has one app, and that is for Twitter. Mostly because Trump feels you stay at the dance with the one who got you there.

A study says Americans waste $200 Billion on unnecessary medical tests every year. They are wasted mostly because if the doctor finds something wrong the patients don’t have enough money or any health insurance to do anything about it.

A study says Americans waste $200 Billion on unnecessary medical tests every year. To which most doctors will point to their brand new Mercedes Benz and say “You call this unnecessary?”

Uber is being accused of intentionally overcharging passengers millions of dollars. They feel they have to because how much can they expect people to agree to pay to have a graduate student to drive them around town in a Prius?

Uber is being accused of intentionally overcharging passengers millions of dollars. Mostly because they know they can get away with it because how much math skill does anyone have who can only get around town using Uber?

Melania Trump is being credited with U.S. tourism up 30% to her home country of Slovenia. Which means she may take it upon herself to personally thank all three of those tourists.

GOP senators say a scathing analysis of the Trump health care bill is complicating the process. Their one out is that with the report saying 24 Million Americans would lose coverage under the bill, then there really is no plan in the first place.

A study says the safest recreational drug is magic mushrooms. Those are the mushrooms where the person taking them is the one that ends up sautéed.

A debate is raging in India over whether IVF should be available for women over 50. Because who can argue that a third world country with 1.3 Billion people doesn’t need to do even more to increase their population?

Mitch McConnell says he is unsure how to get a majority to pass the GOP health bill. Mostly because for the eight years of the Obama Administration he made them vote “no” so many times he has forgotten how to do anything else.

Mitch McConnell says he is unsure how to get a majority to pass the GOP health bill. Wait, isn’t that sort of the whole purpose of being called the “majority” leader in the first place?

Brazilian doctors are using fish skin from tilapia to treat burns. It’s not a cure, but at least the heat from the injury on the fish gives the doctors a delicious main course while they try to figure out how to make the patient feel better.

Sextuplets were born to a Virginia couple that has been trying to conceive for the past 17 years. Well, there’s nothing like making up for a little lost time.

Sextuplets were born to a Virginia couple that has been trying to conceive for the past 17 years. Hopefully, they have used the past 17 childless years to try to save something up for six upcoming college funds.

“Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood is reportedly considering an offer to make a sex tape. It’s good to see that Kim Kardashian has succeeded in her goal to some day have young women consider her a role model.

“Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood is reportedly considering an offer to make a sex tape. Which would pretty much be considered the “Teen Mom” prequel.

Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman slammed a TSA agent over a body-shaming incident. Apparently she was upset that the agent didn’t feel she was hot enough to make her go through the naked-body scanner.

Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman slammed a TSA agent over a body-shaming incident. Which is an understandable occurrence seeing as how ripped those TSA agents get from scouring through everyone’s luggage all day.

Val Kilmer says he is “excited” for the upcoming “Top Gun 2” film. Not to say that Kilmer has added a few pounds since the 1986 hit, but he has been cast to make a cameo appearance wearing a T-shirt that says “Goodyear.”

Rashad McCants is blaming his relationship with Khloe Kardashian as the reason why his NBA career didn’t pan out. It’s his own fault. All he had to do was look at what happened to the careers Lamar Odom and Kris Humphries after they hooked up with a Kardashian.

Lonzo Ball is reportedly in talks for a workout with the Philadelphia 76ers. The question is why does he even need a job when his dad is going to get him $3 Billion just to wear some shoes?

Donald Sterling’s wife is petitioning the NBA to overturn the lifetime ban against her husband. Mostly because at 83 years old how much longer is that ban going to be in place anyway?

Donald Sterling’s wife is petitioning the NBA to overturn the lifetime ban against her husband. To which the league is telling her that she is just lucky they didn’t go even longer by making it until the Clippers win an NBA Championship.

Browns quarterback Cody Kessler reportedly went on a bland diet of eating the same foods for three months. Which is getting him ready for the football season where he plays on a bland offense with the same losing results for four months.

A report says Braves pitcher Bartolo Colon may be done as his ERA is up to 6.96. He’s 44 years old and weighs 285 pounds. That is pretty much grounds for retirement for any athlete not named George Foreman.

Magic Johnson compared LaVar Ball to Kardahsian mom Kris Jenner. Well, that should do wonders in trying to get him to shut up.

Disney CEO Bob Iger says hackers did not steal a copy of the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie and try to ransom it. Either that or they did and figured they wouldn’t get a dime after trying to sit through two more hours of Johnny Depp channeling Keith Richards.

Ancestry.com denies it is exploiting users’ DNA. Besides, anyone who wants their DNA passed around online is going to be giving all their business to Tinder.

The White House is reportedly considering restructuring their communications staff. Apparently it isn’t as easy as they thought finding someone who can lie convincingly enough to fool a gaggle of White House reporters 24/7.

The White House is reportedly considering restructuring their communications staff. To which the Press Corps is praying the reason isn’t that Donald Trump considers Sean Spicer too much of a nice guy.

A majority of senators are supporting a bill to do away with travel restrictions to Cuba. The efforts will help reunite families in south Florida, improving the local economy and mostly because members of Congress know they can’t get reelected without a steady supply of Cuban cigars to give to their top Wall Street donors.

DEA Chief Chuck Rosenberg says marijuana is not medicine. His argument is if it really was, Big Pharma by now would have patented, packaged and be selling it by prescription for $500 an ounce.

The Trump Administration is considering moving student loans from the Education Department to the Treasury. You know student debt has gotten too high when the math teachers have given up and are handing it over to the people who know how to cope with a $20 Trillion deficit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Memorial Day Holiday Weekend is here. That means I will be taking a rare day off from the jokes. (Collective gasp) But don’t worry, the gags will be back on Tuesday. (Collective groan) I am sure you will find some way to survive one day without me. (Collective silence) I hope you all have a great holiday weekend. I just want to finish up here by again thanking the readers who were so generous in making donations in the memory of my wife Karen to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. It is still not too late, all you have to do is click on the picture of me and Karen and it will take you right to the site. I am making it very easy for you and since it is the only thing I ask of you all year, I am hoping you will find it in your hearts to make a donation of whatever you can afford. There is no better way I can think of for anyone wanting to make sure I really know it when they remember to always send the love!



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