Thursday, May 25, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Pope Francis I met with Donald Trump and gave him a book on protecting the environment. That book is called “The Bible.”

Pope Francis I asked Melania Trump what she feeds her husband. She said the usual, roadkill and small children.

New procedures at the TSA mean travelers may have to be ready to unpack at the airport. Which means that airline that used to offer naked flights may just have been way ahead of their time.

 New procedures at the TSA mean travelers may have to be ready to unpack at the airport. Which is not good news for TSA agents who are going from having to deal with people taking off their shoes to now going through their dirty underwear.

New Jersey accidentally activated an alert system that sent out nuclear warnings to some TVs. To which most New Jersey residents were saying they thought it would take President Trump at least six months before he actually pressed The Button.

A Nevada public defender says O.J. Simpson could be released this year. The only good news for some people is that O.J. is so broke he has to use an attorney from the public defender’s office.

An expert says India may have a higher population than China. Which means they now have the advantage of bragging rights that go along with it for the most pollution, people living in poverty and jobs taken from the U.S.

Iowa Governor Terry Branstad has been sworn in as the new Ambassador to China. Which will be a whole new adventure when he gets off the plane in China and for the first time sees people who aren’t white.

New TSA procedures will be targeting electronics and food. Which means if people aren’t allowed electronic gadgets and carry on food onto their flights, that is pretty much it for the airline industry.

Moody’s says China can’t sustain its current debt-fueled binge. Which is hard to believe considering the U.S. is still going strong after doing it the past 50 years.

Moody’s says China can’t sustain its current debt-fueled binge. Mostly because since they are the only country in the world that still has some cash, who are they even able to borrow from in the first place?

The White House is denying former Treasury Secretary Larry Summer’s claim there is an “egregious” accounting error in the budget calculations of $2 Trillion. Although this is the same President who claims he is worth $10 Billion but won’t show his tax returns to prove it.

The White House is denying former Treasury Secretary Larry Summer’s claim there is an “egregious” accounting error in the budget calculations of $2 Trillion. Of course, this is coming from the man who still thinks taking 46% of the popular vote equates to a political mandate.

The Vermont Governor has vetoed a bill that would legalize recreational pot saying they “need to move a little bit slower.” What better way to make everything move more slowly than letting the people start smoking pot every day?

Donald Trump’s budget proposal is forecasting a 3% growth in the U.S. economy from 2021 through 2027. Which is a pretty bold long range forecast for someone who may not even still be in office by 2018.

A report says the divorce rate has doubled since the 1990s for people 50 and over. Although those same people need to be given kudos for making it all the way through the 1990s without getting divorced while they were in their 30s.

A survey says 3 out of 4 adults have financial regrets in not saving enough money for their retirement. What’s worse is that those people could have already retired already if they had put all their money over the past 30 years into a 401(k) account instead of paying off their college loans.

A survey says 3 out of 4 adults have financial regrets in not saving enough money for their retirement. The good news is that thanks to Donald Trump’s proposed cuts to Social Security and Medicare, there is a lot more time to save with the retirement age being pushed from 65 to 93.

A report says U.S. workers leave half their vacation days on the table. Mostly because people don’t want to pay for airfare, a hotel room and rental car on vacation only to be faxed a new project to work on while they are away from the office.

A report says U.S. workers leave half their vacation days on the table. Which most Americans would be better off taking all their time off and instead leaving half of their main course and dessert on the table.

A report says women hold 65% of the country’s $1.3 Trillion student debt. What’s worse is that even after going through college, most graduates can’t calculate the answer to how much is 65% of $1.3 Trillion.

A report says tourism to the U.S. has been declining since Donald Trump became President. Mostly because foreigners refuse to fly without the laptops they need to see which ethnic groups Trump is denying entry into the U.S. on any particular day.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says he wants Congress to raise the debt limit with no conditions. Apparently the feeling in the White House is since we topped $20 Trillion in national debt, why stop now?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says he wants Congress to raise the debt limit with no conditions. Apparently the administration feels good with continuing to borrow as long as they know at some point Mexico is going to pay us back for building the wall.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says he wants Congress to raise the debt limit with no conditions. The Administration feels we need to be able to print money on an as needed basis because all those wars aren’t going to be fought for free.

The White House admits it doesn’t know how much money it is cutting from Medicaid in the proposed budget. It all depends on how fast all the patients die off when they are denied any health care benefits.

The House has approved a bill making nude photo sharing in the military a crime. The only question is why was it ever legal in the first place.

The House has approved a bill making nude photo sharing in the military a crime. Which is good news in that it came right before Anthony Weiner committed to starting a new career by enlisting in the National Guard.

A survey says Americans don’t trust the news media but feel better about their own favorites. Which now makes us all as dumb as the people who hate Congress but love their own congressperson.

A survey says Americans don’t trust the news media but feel better about their own favorites. The sad part is that neither one still applies to CNN.

The Trump Administration is warning it could run out of cash to pay its bills sooner than expected. Apparently after going over the $20 Trillion mark, the government’s printing presses had to be taken down a notch from “full speed ahead” to just “overdrive.”

A survey says many Americans are confused about credit scores. Mostly because they don’t understand why whenever they apply for a loan, loan officers all start breaking out in laughter.

A survey says many Americans are confused about credit scores. They need to be told when their credit rating is lower than their age, they should plan making any future purchases with cash only.

The Trump Soho hotel in New York City is planning to make staff layoffs. Which means the Soho is only doing so-so.

The Trump Soho hotel in New York City is planning to make staff layoffs. Which means Donald Trump is keeping up with his promise to make it so there are fewer jobs available in this country for immigrant workers.

A survey says Americans still see manufacturing as the key to job creation. Which is sad in that the only thing we still manufacture in this country are house and car keys.

A survey says Americans still see manufacturing as the key to job creation. The only problem is the only thing we are able to still manufacture are part time jobs that pay minimum wage.

A study says poor sleep is linked to a higher death risk for people with heart issues. Well, what could possibly stop those people from getting a good night’s sleep after hearing news like that?

A study says a broken heart can curb a person’s appetite. Which is great news for anyone who just got dumped for being too fat.

Philippines President Duterte is targeting smokers in his latest crackdown. He is so militant he won’t even allow a last cigarette for all the people he is putting in front of the firing squad.

Tom Cruise says a sequel to the 1986 film “Top Gun” is in development. The climax of the movie is when Cruise’s new wingman refuses to give up his seat and is taken down by security guards who drag him off the plane.

Tom Cruise says a sequel to the 1986 film “Top Gun” is in development. Not to say Cruise is getting old for the part, but when he gets on his fighter jet he now needs to hook up to the oxygen mask just to climb up the ladder.

Justin Bieber’s fans say they want him to cancel his UK tour in the wake of the recent concert bombing. Which at least for once music lovers of every genre can finally agree on.

Golfer John Daly is defending his “buddy” Donald Trump saying he “loves what he is doing” for the country. Which shows that Daly also loves match play where you can shoot 12 shots worse than your opponent and still come out the winner.

Homer Simpson will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame this weekend. He was able to qualify as his increase in girth is attributed only to his ever testing positive for donuts.

The NFL says new touchdown celebration rules will still prohibit dunking the football over the crossbar. As opposed to the celebration the Seattle Seahawks had last year when Blair Walsh was unable to put the ball over the crossbar.

Tim Tebow now has his own baseball card. The sad part is that kids are more interested in trading for the gum that comes with it.

Browns quarterback Brock Osweiler says he has proven himself good enough to start. Which isn’t that big of a deal when the litmus test is showing that you are more competent than Johnny Manziel.

Jacque Fresco, a futurist who envisioned a society without money has died at age 101. His last words were “I’m a little short. Can anyone loan me a fiver?”

Goldman Sachs says the ride sharing industry will be worth $285 Billion by 2030. Which if that amount is true will be good news for Toyota as it represents having to make another 1.14 Million Priuses.

Goldman Sachs says the ride sharing industry will be worth $285 Billion by 2030. Mostly because the way the economy will be by then people will be working three jobs and still won’t be able to afford a car.

The injury rate at the Tesla auto factory is reportedly 31% higher than the industry average. Mostly because the union autoworkers in Detroit have 31% more time off for coffee breaks, long lunch and knocking off work early.

A study says fitness trackers may be way off in their calculations of calories and energy burned during workouts. The way to tell is after six months of using a tracker your wrist has gotten too fat to even be able to put one on.

An FEC official wants an investigation into claims Russia bought anti-Clinton ads on Facebook. Those were probably the ones that all said “Clinton…Nyet!”

Google is planning to track people’s credit card spending. Figuring out which people are spending the most is easy by just keeping tabs on anyone googling “personal bankruptcy.”

HUD Secretary Ben Carson says poverty is a “state of mind.” Although most Americans would disagree, saying it is more of the state of Mississippi, the state of Alabama, the state of Georgia…

HUD Secretary Ben Carson says poverty is a “state of mind.” Apparently his idea is that people will never miss things like food if they have never had any to eat in the first place.

Mitch McConnell says the Trump presidency is “indistinguishable” from that of Jeb Bush or Marco Rubio. The only difference is that at least people knew early on there is no way they would ever elect Jeb Bush or Marco Rubio president.

Mitch McConnell says the Trump presidency is “indistinguishable” from that of Jeb Bush or Marco Rubio. Which most people took to be him misspeaking and actually meaning to say the Trump presidency is just “undistinguished.”

The former prison chief of Mississippi has been sentenced to nearly 20 years in prison for taking bribes. The only question is does this fall under the definition of a busman’s holiday?

The former prison chief of Mississippi has been sentenced to nearly 20 years in prison for taking bribes. He must have seen it coming since it turns out he demanded all his bribes be paid with candy bars and cigarettes.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Memorial Day Weekend is almost here. Before you take off and have three days of fun in the (hopefully) sun, I hope you will find it in your hearts to reach into your wallet or purse and send a few dollars to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Some of my readers have been more than generous and I hope the rest of you will just click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen who lost her battle with the illness in 2010 which will take you right to the site. It’s easy, and it’s the only thing I ask of you during the entire year other than to not get too offended by my jokes. It’s the best way to show you really mean it when you take the time to remember to always send the love!

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