Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says North Korea has drones that can strike Seoul within one hour. Which means residents of Seoul need to be on guard against sudden attacks from falling pizza boxes, bags of donuts and Amazon packages.

Rasmussen says Donald Trump’s approval ratings are up to 46% following his trip to the Middle East and Europe. Which means his advisers are now telling him he should just stay out of the country through at least 2018.

Roger Moore, who played James Bond in seven films has died at age 89. His family says he will be cremated and his ashes will placed in an urn where they will be shaken and not stirred.

Roger Moore, who played James Bond in seven films has died at age 89. He was the oldest actor to portray Bond, which was evident in his last movie where he stood on the porch and told enemy agents to “Stay off my lawn!”

Former James Bond star Roger Moore has died at age 89. He portrayed the legendary 007 spy in seven films, his last being “A View To A Kill” in 1985. He referred to the other Bond movies as 001-006.

Donald Trump has proposed $3.6 Trillion in budget cuts, much of which would hurt his supporters most. But he claims they are necessary to offset the $10 Trillion in tax cuts for his wealthy donors which was the reason he ran for President in the first place.

Donald Trump’s budget director says the proposed $3.6 Trillion in cuts will do away with waste like a government-backed musical about climate change. As opposed to protections for Wall Street which led to films produced in the private sector like” The Big Short,” “Too Big To Fail” and “Inside Job.”

A report says Uber shortchanged its New York City drivers by several million dollars. Mostly by convincing them to give up their other jobs to become an Uber driver.

A Florida man was acquitted in a murder case where he claims his girlfriend choked to death while giving him oral sex. It’s the first time a defendant was hoping for a conviction just so he could have something to brag about to his friends.

California’s proposed single payer health care plan would cost taxpayers an estimated $400 Billion. Which puts the population in a quandary. To be able to afford the tax increases, what do people want more: health care or their daily large mocha latte at Starbucks?

A report says Pope Francis I and Donald Trump are seeking common ground at the Vatican. Which is going to be difficult when the Pope finds out that the place Trump feels he belongs is in a painting on the Sistine Chapel.

The new chief of the World Health Organization says the top goal is universal health care. To which Donald Trump says anyone who wants universal health care is welcome to go somewhere else in the universe where they offer it.

Egypt has moved King Tut’s bed and chariot to a new museum in Cairo. Which is tough for anyone to have to relocate after 3,000 years in the same place and having to get used to their pad and wheels being moved to some new digs.

Philippine President Duterte has declared martial law. People were shocked at the news. They had no idea martial law was ever taken down since Ferdinand Marcos was still in power.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will loosen touchdown celebration rules. Players will not be able to mimic the use of weapons. Which isn’t that big of a deal for players who can celebrate instead with real weapons at the club they go to following the game.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will loosen touchdown celebration rules. Players will not be able to mimic the use of weapons. That is a major change to the touchdown rules which will affect every team other than the L.A. Rams.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says there is “no guarantee” that tax reform won’t benefit the wealthy. Other than the guarantee that the reform is being put together by a White House made up completely of old, white billionaires.

Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers says Donald Trump’s proposed budget will work for anyone who believes in the Tooth Fairy. The worst part about that is that the Trump Administration has even axed the Tooth Fairy from the dental part of their health care plan.

Fox News has finished behind MSNBC and CNN in the ratings for the first time in 17 years. To get them back on top, Donald Trump realizes he may have to do the unthinkable. Appoint Barack Obama to the next opening on the Supreme Court.

Fox News has finished behind MSNBC and CNN in the ratings for the first time in 17 years. Which is really bad news for Fox considering that for the first time in 17 years CNN has also done better than the Home Shopping Network.

The CEOs of Charter Cable and CBS are the highest paid executives in the country. Which is amazing considering that of these two companies, one gives us “Two Broke Girls” and the other makes us wait three weeks to be hooked up to be able to see it.

A report says health care CEOs are among the highest paid in the country. Which they say is necessary because how would it look if even their executives couldn’t afford the health insurance, prescription drugs and hospital bills they are trying to push on everyone else?

A report says CEO pay climbed faster last year than it has over the past three years at 8.5%. Mostly because companies feel their leaders must be compensated well for the stress of having to lay off all the employees whose jobs are being outsourced or replace by robots.

Vermont could become the ninth state to legalize recreational marijuana use. The only problem is for the people who want to grow their own and will have to somehow get their plants to reach maturity within the three day Vermont growing season.

Vermont could become the ninth state to legalize recreational marijuana use. Mostly as a way to finally give people something to do to help them cope with living in Vermont during the entire winter.

The company tapped by the Justice Department to distribute the $4 Billion recovered from Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme to fraud victims has paid out zero to date, even though the company has been paid $38.8 Million so far. To which Madoff is saying to the company management, “Well done!”

The company tapped by the Justice Department to distribute the $4 Billion recovered from Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme to fraud victims has paid out zero to date, even though the company has been paid $38.8 Million so far. The company is saying it will give the money out just as soon as it gets it all back from the investment they made with a Nigerian prince.

The new $85,000 Dodge Demon comes with an 840 horsepower engine and one seat, although a passenger seat can be bought for $1. Most men are afraid to buy that seat because their wife will sit in it and the whole ride they will have to listen to her say “You spent $85,000 of our money on this?”

A Florida teenager who posed as a doctor has been sentenced to prison for fraud. Mostly because the other doctors in the state were mad that he got away with starting a practice without first having to pile up $200,000 in medical school tuition loans.

The original manuscript that was used as the basis to start Alcoholics Anonymous is the subject of a lawsuit trying to reclaim it before it is auctioned off. What’s worse is that it is being advertised as the original manuscript for the movie “The Hangover.”

The FCC says they won’t take any action against Stephen Colbert for a joke about Donald Trump. Mostly because the FCC doesn’t have time to sort through the late night TV transcripts at the millions of Donald Trump jokes and ask “Which one?”

The FCC says they won’t take any action against Stephen Colbert for a joke about Donald Trump. Mostly because the only joke the FCC understands is that they used to actually be in charge of enforcing the Fairness Doctrine. 

Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr. has signed a record setting shoe deal with Nike for $29 Million over five years. Let’s just hope the company has saved its pennies so it still has that $3 Billion saved up in order to ink all of LaVar Ball’s kids.

The New York Jets say they are giving all three quarterbacks an equal shot at winning the starting job. The competition is already reported to be fierce, with each of the players telling the others “You take it. No, you take it!”

New NFL touchdown celebration rules will allow using the ball as a prop. Which is good news now that players won’t have to carry cellphones, sharpies and pompoms hidden in their uniforms every time their team gets in the red zone.

New NFL touchdown celebration rules will allow using the ball as a prop. To which Cleveland is saying they are way ahead of their time as the Browns have been using the football as a prop for years.

New NFL touchdown celebration rules will allow group performances. Which means “The Fridge” may just come out of retirement to lead one last attempt at “The Super Bowl Shuffle.”

Two women golfers who used a cart to take a bathroom break at the NCAA Women’s Golf Championships were given a one stroke penalty. Ironically, the women were the number one and number two golfers on their team.

The NFL is cutting the length of overtime in games from 15 minutes down to 10 because of players’ exhaustion and injuries. If the league had done the same thing for the Super Bowl halftime show, the 2004 wardrobe malfunction would have never happened.

The NFL is cutting the length of overtime in games from 15 minutes down to 10 because of players’ exhaustion and injuries. Which brings up the question of just how many players have ever been taken off the field between minutes 70 and 75 in any game in NFL history?

The NFL is cutting the length of overtime in games from 15 minutes down to 10 because of players’ exhaustion and injuries. Apparently team doctors have been running out of their supply of painkillers just after the end of regulation time.

Tampa Bay will host the Super Bowl in 2021 with Los Angeles getting it in 2022 because of delays in building the new L.A. stadium. Since 1993, the people of L.A. have wanted to say “We have a Super Bowl!” Unfortunately, it’s been since 1984 that they have been able to say “We have a Super Bowl…champion!”

Australian researchers want to use people’s walking motion as authentication for electronic devices. Which would never work in the U.S. as computers would sit idle if people actually had to get off the couch to use them.

A new emoji tool lets people know when their favorite symbol is no longer cool. Which anyone using emojis apparently is unaware that is the status of all of them.

Apple has hired their first head of diversity. Their job is to make sure there are all kinds of different sizes and shapes of the white and Asian males that will make up all their hires in the next several years.

A new tool on Instagram helps people hide their embarrassing posts. Which for most people posting selfies all day on the site is pretty much all of them.

A study says nearly half of all Americans consider themselves middle class even if they don’t make enough money to qualify. Mostly because they know that in this economy, if you wait long enough the middle class will come down to you.

An online therapy startup reports business has been booming since Donald Trump was elected President. Which is convenient for people who need professional help right after they finish reading Breitbart and realize the guy behind it is running the country.

Hillary Clinton slammed Donald Trump’s budget as an “unimaginable level of cruelty.” To which Trump says if she thinks his cruelty is unimaginable, apparently she hasn’t been reading any of his tweets.

Hillary Clinton slammed Donald Trump’s budget as an “unimaginable level of cruelty.” Which is exactly the same phrase used by Bill Clinton to describe the past 42 years of his life.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo says “We are back in the business of stealing secrets.” The problem is trying to stop the secrets they want to keep that way from leaking like a sieve out of the White House every day.

Donald Trump is expected to retain his private attorney during the investigation over ties to Russia. Who better to trust than the man who kept Trump’s assets in tact while going through two messy divorces?

Donald Trump’s budget proposal will slash the EPA budget by 31%. Mostly so they won’t have enough resources left to be able to even try to start draining the swamp that he has created in the Oval Office.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the jokes, I appreciate anyone who comes on to see what I have written and actually makes it through the whole thing. It is still not too late to help me out with my favorite charity, the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation which is providing money for research to find a cure for the illness that took my wife six years ago. I don’t ask for anything from my readers all year except for this. If you have any extra money you can spare, just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen and it will take you right to the site. It’s easy and it will make my day. It is the one way you can be sure to let me know that you are really sending the love!


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