Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The President of Egypt says Donald Trump is “capable of doing the impossible.” Which probably means the goal of his trip is to make the countries in the Middle East hate each other more than they already do.

The President of Egypt says Donald Trump is “capable of doing the impossible. Americans agree. In less than four months he has been inaugurated, investigated and could soon be impeached.

California is set to roll out its limited earthquake warning system next year. As opposed to the current warning system that says if today is Tuesday get ready for a major earthquake on Wednesday, and if not then Thursday.

Former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn is refusing to turn over documents to Congress, citing an “escalating public frenzy against him.” Although the public frenzy against him didn’t start until he began doing things like refusing to turn over any documents to Congress.

A report says Apple is 40% more valuable than the entire city of Chicago. It would have been an even change but the odds of being shot are so much lower while using an Apple product than trying to walk down Michigan Avenue.

A report says Apple is 40% more valuable than the entire city of Chicago. Mostly because anyone interested in buying Chicago can’t complete the deal without including the Bears, O’Hare International and Rahm Emanuel.

Clint Eastwood says Americans “have lost our sense of humor.” That isn’t entirely true. It is still worth a laugh to go on Youtube and pull up video of him trying to talk to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention.

Scientists say the rate the sea level has been rising has tripled since 1990. Which is attributed to global warming, subtle changes in the Earth’s shape and any time Chris Christie does a “cannonball” along the Jersey Shore.

Iran’s President says Donald Trump’s Saudi Arabia trip is “just a show.” To which Americans are saying if he wants a show, he should see what Trump is doing when he is back in the U.S.

Amazon is taking its “no checkout” store idea to Europe, where people pay for their items without going through a check stand. To which the owners of 7-Eleven stores are saying that’s nothing new, their customers have been doing that for years.

Turkey is blaming the U.S. for “aggressive actions” during a clash between protesters and guards of Turkish President Erdogan. To which the U.S. is saying they were just trying to do their best to make the foreign dignitary feel more at home.

Melania Trump and Sara Netanyahu say they agree that the media is unfair to their husbands. Sort of like how coaches always blame losses on referees, students blame teachers for bad grades and spouses blame each other for the divorce.

Chicago could change rules so that no city workers can be involved in removing passengers from planes. Especially when it comes to any union workers who can then use the excuse “That’s not my job.”

Amazon’s Alexa can now help Dish Network viewers with changing the channel. Which is good news for people who because Amazon took away the retail job they used to have now have nothing to do but sit around and watch TV all day.

A report says climate change has taken a toll on the clarity of the water at Lake Tahoe. Which is now about as murky as the minds of casino customers fighting a hangover with a morning Bloody Mary while trying to get in a few games at the Keno bar.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s budget plan cuts the food stamp program because the administration doesn’t want to cover people who eat junk food. They feel the poor should get on the healthier White House diet of Champagne, caviar and Cuban cigars.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s budget plan cuts the food stamp program because the administration doesn’t want to cover people who eat junk food. Although after looking at Trump, it’s apparent the American taxpayers have footed the bill for the recent record profits by McDonald’s.

Mark Zuckerberg says he is not running for public office. Mostly because he is too busy running the world by giving people all the cat videos they need to prevent a complete social and political meltdown.

Nathan’s and Curtis hot dogs are being recalled after metal shards were found in packaging. Which shouldn’t have been that big of a deal since the fragments were more healthy than any of the other ingredients that go into hot dogs.

The annual price tag for California’s proposed universal health care system would be $400 Billion. Which sounds like a lot until it is pointed out that is also the going rate for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

 The annual price tag for California’s proposed universal health care system would be $400 Billion. But that’s only because it is California and $390 Billion of that would be just to cover the cost of Botox, facelifts and boob jobs in Beverly Hills.

Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross praised Saudi Arabia because of the lack of protesters against Donald Trump. He was then informed that protesting is illegal in Saudi Arabia and people there know that it is hard to hold up a protest sign when both their hands have been cut off.

Hyundai and Kia are being investigated as to whether they took too long to recall engines that stalled to where the car couldn’t go anywhere. The only problem was that it took several days before the owners could even tell.

A Ukraine hacker has been sentenced for making $30 Million for using stolen unpublished news releases. Not only that, he is facing a lawsuit for stealing the business model of Matt Drudge.

Frontier Airlines flight attendants are suing the airline, saying they were denied the right to pump breast milk while working. Mostly because Frontier has designated attendants who are lactating mothers as flotation devices.

A report says robots could wipe out 40% of all retail jobs in the next ten years. Especially once they are placed in the dressing rooms with women and are programmed to say “No, that doesn’t make your butt look big.”

Ford is replacing CEO Mark Fields after three years on the job. Or in the vernacular of the auto industry, he has been recalled.

Freeze dried mouse sperm that was placed on the International Space Station was used to successfully produce health mice. Which sounds like NASA’s way of saying the ISS has been infested with rats.

Freeze dried mouse sperm that was placed on the International Space Station was used to successfully produce health mice. Well, experiments like that make it hard to not want to make sure NASA gets all the funding it needs to stay in business.

A study says cutting calories can extend people’s life span. To which most Americans are saying “So what’s plan ‘B’?”

A study says the map of the tongue’s taste buds is all wrong. Instead of different areas that can detect sweet, sour, bitter and salt, apparently we have evolved to where the whole tongue is ready to identify and enjoy just sugar, salt and fat.

A study says overweight kids face a high risk of being depressed as adults. Mostly because even if they become rich and successful, they know as soon as they walk in the door of their high school reunion all their old classmates will still be calling them “lard ass.”

Protests have erupted over the candidacy of an Ethiopian to lead the World Health Organization. Mostly because who is the last healthy person anyone has seen ever coming out of Ethiopia?

A study says that women are not really better than men when it comes to recognizing faces. Mostly because when it comes to looking at women, men rarely have their eyeballs focused on their faces.

Celine Dion marked the 20th anniversary of the release of the movie “Titanic.” Mostly because it turns out that her career has pretty much followed the same path as the ship.

Alec Baldwin has been discussing his battle with Lyme Disease. Although more people are concerned about what happened to the poor tick that actually had the misfortune of sucking his blood.

Al Gore says not even the President can stop the climate movement. Although maybe the Supreme Court could, since they were the ones that stopped Al Gore from becoming President.

O.J. Simpson is scheduled for a parole hearing in July in Nevada which could result in his release. To which even Charles Manson is saying “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

O.J. Simpson is scheduled for a parole hearing in July in Nevada which could result in his release. The good news is that even though that is the off season, Las Vegas casinos are expecting business to be double for bettors who want a piece of that action.

A socialist member of the Seattle city council is asking the Seahawks to sign Colin Kaepernick. Which means if he can’t get a job in the NFL, he still has an opportunity in being the campaign manager for Bernie Sanders in 2020.

Danny Ainge’s son Tanner is running for the House of Representatives from Utah. While Ainge is worried of the public humiliation that comes with having a family member in Congress, at least he never had deal with his son playing for the Jazz.

An analysis says buying $1,000 in Bitcoins in 2010 would have been worth $35 Million today. The only problem is being able to find something you would even want to buy from the three vendors who still accept Bitcoins.

A study says people with high self-esteem have flashier credit cards. Which eventually results in low self-esteem when they realize they have used it to the point where they are declaring bankruptcy after going $100,000 in credit card debt.

A report says hackers have hit Russian bank customers’ accounts. The question is what are they now going to do with the six rubles that the investors they swindled still had in the bank.

A co-founder of Twitter says he is sorry if the social media site made the Trump presidency possible. To which most people are saying they aren’t worried as much about that as Twitter is helping Trump try to start World War III.

The White House and a federal ethics watchdog are in a standoff over ethics waivers for executive branch officials. The main sticking point is having to explain to the White House what the actual definition of “ethics” is.

An analysis says the Trump budget hits his own voters the hardest. Mostly because by taking care of everyone else instead, in the next election he can actually have a chance of ending up with the majority of votes.

 Donald Trump’s is proposing to balance the federal budget by cutting two percent of non-defense spending every year. It’s called the “two penny plan,” not because of the two percent cuts but because by the time it is in effect, two pennies is what most Americans will have left in their pockets.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Kind of a slow day for news, other than the tragic bombing in England. Which could have been really funny since it involved Ariana Grande but that was one that had to be let go. On a brighter note, there is still time to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation for the Great Strides Walk. Just click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen who lost her battle with the illness six years ago and it will take you right to the site. Anything you can spare would be appreciated. I have already had some very generous donations from some great readers and hope you will all follow suit. It’s the only thing I ask for all year besides your patience and forgiveness for the jokes. There is no better way to show you really are sending the love!

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