Sunday, May 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump has started a 15,600 mile 9 day diplomacy tour which takes him through the Middle East and Europe. All indications are the trip is designed for him to put the “dip” back in “diplomacy.”

A Harvard study has revealed what it calls a huge anti-Trump media bias. Although all the negative stories about the Trump Administration just shows they are all actually being honest.

A Harvard study has revealed what it calls a huge anti-Trump media bias. To which the Trump Administration is saying they forgot the part about them being anti-Bannon, Pence, Spicer, Mnuchin, Price, DeVos…

A Harvard study has revealed what it calls a huge anti-Trump media bias. The media denies it has anything to do with politics. Their contention is that they hated Trump from the time he first started clamoring for attention back in 1974.

An Australian nutritionist says less exercise may be the key to weight loss. If that’s the case, why do people see nothing but diet supplement ads whenever they turn on their TV, cellphone or laptop?

An Australian nutritionist says less exercise may be the key to weight loss. If that’s true, when is the last time you saw a skinny person standing in line at a McDonald’s?

A study says looks may not matter if a person smells good to the opposite sex. Which means men should start looking for a cologne that advertises it has the odor of $100 bills.

A study says looks may not matter if a person smells good to the opposite sex. The only thing that smells here is the study claiming that looks don’t matter when it comes to trying to get a date.

A study says looks may not matter if a person smells good to the opposite sex. If that’s true, then why do Tinder, Match.com and OkCupid have pictures and not a scratch-and-sniff option?

Cher says she is not a fan of her own music. Which is sad since the only original body part she still has left are her vocal cords.

A study says plants can hear and use their sense to find flowing water. The worst part is when they sense flowing water and realize what they are hearing is a dog lifting its hind leg.

Disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner is facing two years in prison after pleading guilty to federal obscenity charges, with his wife filing for divorce. What’s worse is that after two years in prison, his cellmate will be referring to Weiner as “the wife.”

Donald Trump reportedly told Russians that firing the “nut job” James Comey eased pressure from an FBI investigation. Well, hearing that will certainly keep Comey from going to Congress and spilling his guts about everything he knows.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis says a military solution to North Korea will be “tragic on an unbelievable scale.” To which Donald Trump is saying when it comes to North Korea, one of two things will be fired. Either ICBM missiles, or Mattis.

Brazil’s top prosecutor is accusing President Michel Temer of obstruction of justice. Which makes him just like Donald Trump, only being the Southern Hemisphere means his obstruction of justice goes counter clockwise.

Jeb Bush has some simple advice for President Trump. Stop tweeting. Although it is going to be tough to get Donald Trump to take advice, especially from someone who spent $150 Million on a campaign which netted him three convention delegates.

Jeb Bush has some simple advice for President Trump. Stop tweeting. Which may fall on deaf ears coming from someone whose technology know-how for communicating hasn’t advanced past the CB radio.

French President Macron says intelligence sharing with the U.S. will continue. Which is good news for the U.S. since during any conflict France always knows the best routes for when it’s time to retreat.

French President Macron says intelligence sharing with the U.S. will continue. The only question is, who needs to share intelligence anymore now that there is WikiLeaks?

A Florida woman suing Starbucks after being severely burned by spilled coffee has been awarded $100,000. As opposed to their other customers who only get burned for the $8 they plunk down every morning for their large mocha latte.

AT&T store workers went on strike over the weekend over their labor contract. The only question is will any of their customers even be able to tell?

AT&T store workers went on strike over the weekend over their labor contract. Which means the company’s new motto is changing from “The Power of &” to “& the horse you rode in on.”

AT&T store workers went on strike over the weekend over their labor contract. The only problem is that anyone getting in line in an AT&T store on Friday was not likely to be helped by anyone before Monday in the first place.

A report says robots could wipe out another 6 Million retail jobs in the next decade. People were surprised at the news. There are still 6 Million people working in retail?

A report says robots could wipe out another 6 Million retail jobs in the next decade. That will happen as soon as the robots can be programmed to do nothing but stand around for 8 hours folding shirts.

Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta says job training through apprenticeships is a priority for Donald Trump. Which shows in how Trump treated James Comey like he was on “The Apprentice” when he told him “You’re fired!”

Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta says job training through apprenticeships is a priority for Donald Trump. Which just like the TV show is now the business model for many companies who let employees work for free for several weeks before they tell them they’re fired.

A survey says Americans are doing better financially except those who aren’t college educated. The only problem is that college graduates are getting the better jobs just so they can have a chance of paying off their college loans in the next 20 years.

McDonald’s is expanding its delivery service with a partnership with Uber so it can bring food right to the door. Which is easier than McDonald’s customers using Uber to get a ride to the restaurant since they are completely unable to fit into the backseat of a Prius.

McDonald’s is expanding its delivery service with a partnership with Uber so it can bring food right to the door. Which means McDonald’s customers will be expanding to the point where they can’t even make it out their front door.

A London city airport is moving its air traffic controllers 80 miles away where they can watch live footage on digital screens. Apparently the controllers were in favor of being moved away because all the airport noise always kept waking them up.

A poll says Americans’ financial anxieties eased in 2017. Mostly because instead of worrying about their money, after Donald Trump became President they are more concerned about losing their health care, the economy crashing and World War III.

The Governor of Nevada has signed a bill that bans conversion therapy which tries to make gay people straight. Mostly because if the treatment is successful, it would kill off thousands of jobs at every club featuring a female impersonator review.

A company is offering online STD tests. Which is ironic as it is being recommended for anyone who has used Tinder to get more than three dates.

A study says Viagra does not increase the risk of melanoma. If anyone develops skin cancer after using Viagra, it means they need to do a better job of making sure their zipper is up.

A study says Instagram is the worst social media site for young people’s mental health. Which then brings up the question for anyone dealing with young people of how can they tell?

A study says Instagram is the worst social media site for young people’s mental health. What’s worse is that all the other social media sites are tied for second.

Paul Ryan says the House may have to vote on the repeal and replacement of Obamacare. That shouldn’t be a problem. How hard can it be to do something you have already practiced on 60 times before?

“Deadliest Catch” star Sig Hansen has apologized after being arrested for assaulting an Uber driver. Apparently the show has changed its prey from the Alaska king crab to the elusive Seattle Prius.

Kesha says social media fueled her eating disorder. However, she has stayed strong and not allowed online bullying to ever force her into taking singing lessons.

Steve Harvey’s ex-wife is suing him for $60 Million for “murdering her soul.” Apparently that beauty pageant wasn’t the only place Harvey accidentally called out the name of the wrong woman.

Ted Nugent says there is no limit to what he will do to help make America great. Which most people hope will include buying himself a one-way ticket to any other country.

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. Which makes about as much sense as Stephen Curry saying every time he gets his hands on the basketball he is worried about throwing up an air ball.

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. To which most men are saying “If you are more comfortable taking it off…”

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. Which is a good way to anger every other woman in the world coming from someone who could rock the beach wearing a burlap sack.

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. That’s like one of the Kardashian girls saying they are camera shy.

The Celtics 5’9” Isaiah Thomas says he would be “the best player ever” if he was taller. Which is exactly the same thing said by everyone else.

Tom Brady’s agent says he was not diagnosed with a concussion in 2016. Just in 2015 when he seemed to forget anything about his involvement with “Deflategate.”

Tim Cook is reportedly testing an Apple Watch device that monitors the wearer’s blood sugar. Which is most likely at dangerous levels from sitting in front of an iMac, iPad or iPhone and not moving for 16 hours a day.

Kim Kardashian is celebrating 100 Million Instagram followers. Which is really sad when you realize that is way more than the number of votes cast for either candidate in any presidential election.

IBM is telling employees who are working out of their homes to get back into the office. The hardest part will be figuring out how to get enough people together to lift Watson and carry it from its bachelor pad all the way back to company headquarters.

IBM is telling employees who are working out of their homes to get back into the office. The worst part will be all the workers who got too comfortable at home and are now walking around company headquarters in their pajamas.

Experts say tweets can predict flu outbreaks and earthquakes and prevent suicides. Not only that, but following Donald Trump’s tweets can let people know down to the minute when World War III is ready to start.

Experts say tweets can predict flu outbreaks. Even better, tweeting can prevent the flu as people who use their cellphones to go on Twitter all day never are in danger of spreading or catching germs through any actual contact with other humans.

A study says Millennials say they should pay for their own housing at 22, their own car at 20 and cellphone at 18. Which is surprising for people who are currently living in their parents’ basement, get around using Uber and are still on the family wireless plan.

An 11 year old Massachusetts boy called police to report his father had heroin in his luggage he was dealing. That kid can pretty much kiss goodbye to his $4,000 a week allowance.

Callista Gingrich will be nominated as the U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican. Although the only problem will be the Pope having to start penciling in three hours every day just to listen to Newt go through all his sins in the confessional.

NATO is denying their Secretary General said Donald Trump has a “12 second attention span.” Apparently he said it was actually 8 seconds at best.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is calling on Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani to end terror financing. To which Rouhani is saying “You bring back jobs to your country your way, and I’ll do it mine.”

Donald Trump wished Cuban’s a Happy Independence Day over the weekend. After which he said he thought Cuba’s Independence Day was back in December when they buried Castro.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Great Strides Walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation was held over the weekend and was a tremendous success. I would like to thank readers Mark Merchant, Josh Gaffin and Tim Hunter for their tremendous generosity in donating to the cause. Mark is a very funny person in his own right who is a very much in demand cruise ship performer, Josh is also a funny person whom I have the honor of working with several days a week and I don’t know Tim but I can say like the others he has a big heart and my thanks for caring about the cause. Just because the event is over doesn’t mean the donations have to stop. Anyone else reading the blog can just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen who was taken from us by Cystic Fibrosis and pledge whatever you can afford. My thanks in advance. It is truly the best way in my book anyone can show they are really sending the love!

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