Friday, May 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes has died at age 77. In his honor, Fox is still reporting he is up and around, in good health and feeling fine.

A Yale dean has been placed on leave over offensive reviews she made on Yelp. Apparently she said the food she was served at a local restaurant tasted “like Harvard.”

A Yale dean has been placed on leave over offensive reviews she made on Yelp. Mostly because the school’s administration feels they pay her enough where she doesn’t have to eat at restaurants that show up on Yelp.

A Yale dean has been placed on leave over offensive reviews she made on Yelp. Which goes right along with her classroom grading scale of “idiot,” “moron,” “dumb,” “stupid” and “incompetent.”

A GOP Senator says Michael Flynn is “not cooperating” in the probe of ties to Russia. Mostly because it turns out to get him to do anything requires an up front payment of at least $500,000.

The TSA has drafted 2,000 agents along with canine teams to cope with the expected 234 Million people flying out of U.S. airports this summer. Although it will be a much more calm autumn as the way things are going here only a handful will be coming back.

The TSA has drafted 2,000 agents along with canine teams to cope with the expected 234 Million people flying out of U.S. airports this summer. Although travelers should be comforted knowing that there will be no containers on any flight they may be on that will be carrying more than three ounces of liquid.

The proposed laptop ban by the U.S. on international flights is reportedly more dangerous than letting travelers have them. Mostly because without electronic devices there will be no way for them to record all the passengers being dragged off flights.

Facebook has won a dismissal of lawsuits brought against them by victims of terror. And those are just the ones who are constantly inundated with annoying vacation photos, rants and pictures of what everyone they know ate for breakfast.

The White House is seeing Donald Trump’s trip abroad as an escape from all the controversy surrounding his administration. Which his staff is hoping that with his ties to Russia along with the travel ban that he may not be allowed back in the country.

Dutch King Willem-Alexander has revealed he has spent the past 21 years as a part-time pilot for KLM. The bad news for passengers on his flights who are unruly is that they don’t get dragged off planes but are given the order “Off with their head!”

Dutch King Willem-Alexander has revealed he has spent the past 21 years as a part-time pilot for KLM. Which could be bad news for KLM when people find out that they are being flown around by a pilot who is doing it as a side job.

A study says exposure to morning light is tied to a good night’s sleep. Mostly because the people who wake up after it is light aren’t having to wake up at 3 AM for the first of the three jobs they are working to make ends meet.

A Florida woman called 911 to report there was a large iguana in her toilet. To which the 911 operator said “So that’s what they are calling it now?”

Brazil President Michel Temer says he won’t quit over claims of corruption. Fortunately, for now he has the argument to tell the people that at least they aren’t in America living under Donald Trump.

Rod Rosenstein will brief the Senate on the probe into ties to Russia. At this point, the investigation is getting so deep there could be a delay as the DOJ has to print up programs so everyone can keep track of all the players who are involved.

Melania Trump is planning to take her first foreign trip as First Lady. Which is a pretty big step considering it has taken her four months just to finally agree to go anywhere outside of New York City.

The hit show “Roseanne” is coming back to TV, showing how American families have changed since 1988. For one thing, they were a poor blue collar family which means they would now be considered successful and upwardly mobile middle class.

Statistics show low wage workers in California are losing $2 Billion a year through employer minimum wage violations. Which is even worse when you consider the poverty line in California is anything less than $150,000 a year.

Italy is looking for a buyer for Alitalia airlines. It’s the one that any time there is a delay or cancellation of a flight, the airlines’ reaction is always to tell passengers “Fugeddaboudit.”

Sean Spicer will reportedly no longer give daily, on-camera briefings. The good news is the front row of reporters will no longer have to cover themselves with plastic sheets like at a Gallagher show to keep from being covered in flying saliva.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s tax plan means the middle class will face higher taxes and lower home prices. Which will be of little concern since most people will be too busy worrying about how they will pay their medical bills after losing their insurance under the Trump health care plan.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s tax plan means the middle class will face higher taxes and lower home prices. Which will only be a big deal to the three people who because of Trump’s policies are actually considered middle class.

The Trump Administration has notified Congress of its intent to launch talks to renegotiate Nafta. Which after the tax plan and attempts to repeal and replace Obamacare and the investigations into ties with Russia, what could possibly go wrong?

Starbucks is selling coffee ice cubes for 80 cents apiece. Which means people can buy enough to fill a container, microwave it and end up with a cup of hot Starbucks coffee for less than $8.

Starbucks is selling coffee ice cubes for 80 cents apiece. If McDonald’s had only thought of that in 1994 they could have cooled their coffee and saved millions of dollars for the cost of legal fees and settlements.

Brazil stocks have dropped 10% in the past few days, wiping out the entire gain for the year. Which means Brazilian stockholders have been in for a real waxing.

A study says more than 140 California courthouse buildings are seismically unsafe. To which state officials, when informed the buildings are usually filled with lawyers are saying “And the problem is…?”

The Takata airbag settlement is giving $553 Million back to consumers. It is the biggest amount of money and bad publicity ever generated over the lack of air pressure that didn’t involve Tom Brady.

Questions are emerging over the health of the new CEO of the CSX train line. Although supporters say it is simply a case of his opponents trying to have him railroaded.

A report says there has been an uptick in wagering on Internet betting sites that Donald Trump will be impeached. Which at least shows that when it comes to online gambling, Trump is keeping his promise to create all kinds of new jobs.

A report says there has been an uptick in wagering on Internet betting sites that Donald Trump will be impeached. Although it still comes in fourth place behind bets that he will first crash the economy, declare martial law or start World War III.

Vintage IKEA furniture is reportedly selling online for thousands of dollars per piece. It is being bought by people who like the furniture and are willing to pay through the nose so they don’t have to try to assemble it.

An outbreak of a parasitic infection in public pools is attributed to people swimming too soon after having diarrhea. Which can be controlled by telling people to stop eating the food served up at the public pool snack stands.

An outbreak of a parasitic infection in public pools is attributed to people swimming too soon after having diarrhea. Although the parasite is still not as harmful as the lead, chemicals and toxins already in the pool that is filled from public water system.

The “Charlie Sheen” effect has doubled the sale of at-home HIV tests. The scary part is asking how many people are out there who are living a lifestyle like Charlie Sheen?

An Ohio school is defending pepper spraying students as part of a class project. Mostly just to get them ready for what they are in for when the inevitable brawl breaks out in the crowd during the upcoming graduation ceremony.

A study says a person’s scent can be as important as their appearance when it comes to being considered attractive. Which brings up the question as to how over the years the population hasn’t been completely wiped out in France.

A California woman is partially paralyzed after eating an order of gas station nachos. Which is followed by the question of what did she think was going to happen after eating an order of gas station nachos?

A California woman is partially paralyzed after eating an order of gas station nachos. Even the people at Chipotle are asking what was she thinking?

Canada is testing setting the minimum age for legalized pot at 18. Which means they could be looking at the biggest mass migration of American teens across the northern border since the Vietnam War.

A Michigan doctor has had his license suspended after performing liposuction in a barn. What’s worse is that he did it only on his patients who he felt needed the procedure because they were getting as big as a cow.

A Michigan doctor has had his license suspended after performing liposuction in a barn. Apparently he reserved the site only for people who wanted to be thin so they could join the horsey set.

The author of “The Natural Foods Cookbook” Beatrice Trum Hunter has died at age 98. She will be cremated along with some brown rice, granola and bean sprouts in a hand thrown pottery bowl.

Researchers say brain scans have spotted where anxiety and fear live. Which is right in the exact same area where the information goes when the patients see their neurologist’s brain scan bill.

Leonardo DiCaprio has reportedly split with his bikini model girlfriend Nina Agdal. Friends say he was sad, depressed and inconsolable after the breakup. In fact, until he started dating again it was the worst 20 minutes of his life.

Val Kilmer says religion and love helped him beat cancer. Which is great news for all the sick people who have renewed hope knowing that is pretty much all they will have to fight their illnesses under the GOP health care plan.

The opening of Inglewood Stadium will be delayed until 2020 because of the recent heavy rainfall in California. It wasn’t exactly a deluge, but in California anytime it rains more than three inches all construction crews immediately turn their attention to building an ark.

The L.A. Coliseum is reportedly selling its naming rights to United Airlines. It will be the stadium where the ushers will happily drag all the spectators right to their seat.

The L.A. Coliseum is reportedly selling its naming rights to United Airlines. Which means spectators will stand in line for three hours to be strip searched only to find out the game has been delayed another two hours which will eventually be canceled and moved to Wednesday of next week.

Saints quarterback Drew Brees says he might not tell his wife if he got a concussion. Although she might already suspect it when he looks at her and their kids and says “Who dat?”

Mark Zuckerberg has posted a video on Facebook of the moment when he found out he had been accepted at Harvard. It’s too bad he doesn’t have that more important moment captured on tape where he drops out of Harvard to become a super billionaire.

A report says Donald Trump’s budget calls for hits on federal employee retirement programs. Which he doesn’t really care about as how much of a pension will he have when he is kicked out of office after less than six months?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am asking again for everyone’s help in donating some cash to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. This is my pet charity as it is working to find a cure for the terrible disease that took my wife six years ago. I put the jokes out every day for free for your enjoyment, annoyance, consternation, whatever. I don’t ask for much and this is it. Anything you can afford will be greatly appreciated. Just click on the picture of me and Karen and it will take you right to the site. There is no better way I can think of to really show you are sending the love!


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