Thursday, May 18, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

British bookies say gamblers are betting that Donald Trump won’t finish out his term in office. To which bookies in Las Vegas are doing them one better saying the way things are going, he’ll be lucky to make it to the 4th of July.

A fight broke out at a Tennessee high school graduation when people in the audience started arguing over seats. The sad part was the graduating students’ parents were telling each other to meet at the flagpole after school.

A fight broke out at a Tennessee high school graduation when people in the audience started arguing over seats. Mostly from people who wanted good seats for the graduation of their children that they have been waiting 27 years for.

A study says dogs can talk to humans. That’s no secret. Every day they tell us “You will feed me now,” “it’s time to go for a ride” and “Better go get me one more cookie.”

Astronomers say they have found evidence of a parallel universe. Which many Americans are saying that is good news, as long as there is a way to get there and away from the one that still has Donald Trump as President.

A chef has developed a chili pepper so hot, it is said to be able to send people into a deadly anaphylactic shock. To which Chipotle says that’s no big deal, they have been doing that with their chicken, tomatoes and lettuce for years.

A report says U.S. household debt has reached a record high. Which is a good sign for the economy when Americans are confident enough in how things are going to put themselves back in debt that will take the next 20 years to pay off.

CBS is defending its new fall lineup of six shows all starring men. Mostly for the fact that the network has stayed in business all these years with an all-male show called NFL football.

Giselle Bundchen says her husband Tom Brady has had several concussions over the years. Not from football but when she suspected him of spending a little too much time with the nanny.

Stephen Colbert has given CBS the longest late night winning streak in 7 years. More importantly, it hasn’t been since the 1960s that anyone has written a sentence that contained the words “CBS” and “winning streak.”

A robot copilot reportedly flew and landed a simulated 737. It was the first successful flight by a completely automated pilot since Otto brought the 707 to a safe landing in the movie “Airplane.”

A report says Donald Trump would have ten minutes to make a decision of what to do if North Korea launches missiles at the U.S. Which means he would still have 9 minutes and 57 seconds left to have a sandwich after pressing the button to start the nuclear war.

A study says the idea of “fat but fit” is a myth. Which is mostly held onto by the same people who also fell for the idea that TV can be used as a learning tool.

A study says the idea of “fat but fit” is a myth. Especially for the people who are too fat to fit into anything that doesn’t have a waistband made of elastic.

A study says too little sleep leaves people less attractive. Except for the people who aren’t getting enough sleep because they are so good looking they end up in a different bed every night.

This week’s Iranian presidential election is being called a “sham” and “a joke” by government opposition. At least in the U.S. we are still able to wait until someone like Donald Trump is elected before making those claims.

Donald Trump has pledged to build new icebreakers for the Coast Guard. As opposed to Trump’s own version of an icebreaker, which is something along the lines of “Hello, I am the most powerful person on Earth and am also fantastically wealthy and smarter than everyone on the planet.”

A storm chaser in Texas proposed to his girlfriend with a tornado visible in the distance. Apparently he wowed her with the promise that he would love and cherish her and will make wedding night an F-4 on the Fujita scale.

A storm chaser in Texas proposed to his girlfriend with a tornado visible in the distance. That’s the wedding where everyone in attendance toasts the couple with a hearty “All hail!”

A storm chaser proposed to his girlfriend with a tornado visible in the distance. After she accepted they drove off happily into the sunset just as soon as he was able to get his truck down from the tree.

The State Department says it expects a record number of passport applications by Americans this year. Which is ironic that in his quest to stop all people from coming into the U.S., Donald Trump has created a whole new culture of people who can’t wait to get out.

The State Department says it expects a record number of passport applications by Americans this year. Mostly the people who can’t find a job here and the only way to get work is to take a position where they need to commute to India.

Donald Trump is set to interview four candidates to take over as FBI Director. This way he can stay out of trouble by asking them if they will stop any investigations before they actually take the job.

Japanese Princess Mako will lose her royal status when she marries her commoner fiancée who was once crowned “Prince of the Sea.” Which may not bode well for a couple where the bride’s name is the same of a shark and the groom sounds like a commercial for tuna.

Google is introducing a new feature to help users find jobs. Which Google is able to identify as the ones who sit in front of a computer all day googling cat videos, social media and Internet porn.

Donald Trump says no politician in this country “has been treated” worse than he has. Which if true is even more amazing with the fact that he has only officially called himself a politician the past four months.

Donald Trump says no politician in this country “has been treated” worse than he has. Which is now doubly scary in that not only is he acting like Richard Nixon, but now he is starting to sound like him.

Donald Trump says no politician in this country “has been treated” worse than he has. To which even Lance Armstrong, Alex Rodriguez and Michael Vick are saying “What is it that he doesn’t get?”

A report says Russia is buying up more U.S. debt. Which means they are getting their money back for electing Donald Trump every time he does something to drop the value of the U.S. even lower.

A survey says one third of U.S. seniors don’t use the Internet. Mostly because every time they Google their health symptoms, the diagnosis says they have less than a month to live.

A survey says one third of U.S. seniors don’t use the Internet. Mostly the ones who still have a VCR sitting next to the analogue TV that is flashing “12:00.”

Researchers say that companies that have representatives visiting the White House perform better in the stock market. Mostly because what President is going to invite a bunch of businesses that are going under?

Chanel is drawing criticism from indigenous Australians after selling a boomerang for $1,350. That is a decision that just could keep coming right back at them.

Facebook is trying to prevent “clickbait” stories that leave out or exaggerate details. Apparently they feel that should be left to the people posting about how great their children, marriage and vacations are.

A report says for the first time, women in their 30s are having more children than younger women. Mostly because women don’t feel they can afford to raise a family until they are in their mid 30s and see only another decade or two left in paying off their college loans.

A study says just two weeks of sedentary living can cause people to lose muscle and gain fat around organs. To which most Americans are saying they are OK because they have made it a lifestyle, by spending all their spare time on the couch over the past couple of thousand weeks.

A study says teenagers don’t know enough about love, sex or misogyny. Which the teens defend by saying they also don’t know that much about math, history or English.

A study says teenagers don’t know enough about love, sex or misogyny. To which most teens say that is why they are planning to go to college.

The deceased former director of a Dutch sperm bank run out of his house who died last month at 89 is being sued by 23 parents for substituting donors’ sperm with his own. The worst part is the cause of death was being 89 and trying to come up with 23 sperm samples.

The deceased former director of a Dutch sperm bank run out of his house who died last month at 89 is being sued by 23 parents for substituting donors’ sperm with his own. Although the parents in all honesty should have seen a red flag with anyone running a sperm bank out of their home.

Fox News is reportedly planning a cutting-edge newsroom to be debuted in 2018. Apparently they were able to come up with the money for the set ever since Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes left and they don’t have to spend all their profits on sexual harassment settlements.

Fox News is reportedly planning a cutting-edge newsroom to be debuted in 2018. The news department thinks a change is in order now that Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes are gone and they can once again start reporting instead of making the news.

Taylor Swift is reportedly dating English actor Joe Alwyn. Which is great news for her fans in that it means she will be coming out with an album in about another three weeks after he breaks it off.

LaVar Ball says he wants a $3 Billion shoe deal for his sons. Which means in order to sign the deal, Nike will have to cut costs by renegotiating its labor contract to where they drop the pay for workers in China from $55 to $42 a year.

Robert Mueller, who has been named as the special prosecutor into Donald Trump’s ties with Russia also led the investigation into the Ray Rice incident that exonerated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Which means the whole thing could somehow end up again with an indictment against Tom Brady.

LPGA golfer Lexi Thompson parachuted with Navy SEALs into a pro-am event. It was the most public freefall by a pro golfer since Jordan Spieth played the 12th hole in the final round at the 2016 Masters.

Colin Kaepernick’s gear is reportedly headed to the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. Not for his willingness to sit or take a knee as a protest during the National Anthem, but for being able to somehow fit that Afro hairstyle up into a regulation football helmet.

A new app helps women track their fertility based on taking birth control and sexual activity. Which they wouldn’t need in the first place if they didn’t use the other apps for Tinder, Match.com and OkCupid.

Hackers are reportedly holding the latest Disney “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie for ransom. To which Disney executives are asking where were those guys during the release of “Mars Needs Moms”?

The ghostwriter of “The Art of the Deal” says Donald Trump will find a way to resign from office. Which scares most people who think it may happen after he accesses the nuclear codes, pushes The Button and says “See you later, suckers!”

Puerto Rico’s creditors say they want to settle the country’s debt crisis out of court. Apparently they are going to be represented by LaVar Ball, figuring who better to try to make people forgive a $70 Billion deficit than someone who thinks he can demand $3 Billion for a shoe endorsement?

House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz says he sees no actual crime that demands a special prosecutor. He led the investigation against Hillary Clinton and her e-mails. Which is like looking at O.J. Simpson and saying there is something fishy about Kato Kaelin.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk is coming up, and this is the event I push for every year. Cystic Fibrosis is the terrible illness that took my wife Karen six years ago, and I am asking all of you to reach into your wallets and give what you can to help find the cure for this disease. They are making tremendous progress, and your donation will go to help those just being diagnosed today to live a long and healthy life. There is no better way I can think of to show you are really sending the love!


No comments: