Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Jimmy Kimmel will return to host the Oscars in 2018. The only bad part is that when it comes time for the announcement for Best Picture, Kimmel will be benched in favor of pinch hitter Steve Harvey.

Jimmy Kimmel will return to host the Oscars in 2018. Also, Price Waterhouse will again be in charge of counting ballots. That decision was made before it was found out they are also the ones who prepare Donald Trump’s tax returns every year.

Seven figure ocean front mobile homes are being sold in California trailer parks. Mostly because if the tide comes in far enough, residents will be able to say they also have their own boat.

A report says 1 in 25 American workers can’t pass a drug test at work. What’s worse is the other 24 because their resume or interview skills are so bad can’t even go far enough in the application process to get to the drug test part.

Judge Andrew Napolitano was back on Fox News saying Antonin Scalia thought he was under surveillance by President Obama. This is the same person who went on the air with Donald Trump’s claims that he was being wiretapped by Obama. What’s next for Fox, hiring Middle Eastern correspondent Curveball?

China is reportedly creating a massive “Orwellian” DNA database to track personal information to construct a “harmonious society.” The worst part is the Chinese President came up with the idea after reading it on a fortune cookie.

A South Carolina woman was arrested for beating her son for not giving her a Mother’s Day card. Her son made good for it with a card reading “Roses are red, carnations are too, thanks to you I am still black and blue.”

A South Carolina woman was arrested for beating her son for not giving her a Mother’s Day card. He made up for it with a selection from the Hallmark collection of reversible cards that can be sent for Mother’s Day but can be returned as a Get Well card.

A study says walking is linked to improved brain function. Which can be checked by seeing if when you go out for a walk are able to remember how to get all the way back home.

A computer crash affected Starbucks all across the country earlier this week. Fortunately, it was able to be repaired before the short amount of time it would take a world without Starbucks to cause an economic meltdown and the end to civilization as we know it.

A report says rich retirees are hoarding cash out of fear they will run out of it before they die. The only problem is their death could be expedited when their kids find out just how much money they actually have.

A new push is being made for statehood for Puerto Rico despite its being on the brink of financial ruin. Although Puerto Rico makes a good point that they are rich compared with the other 50 states that have managed to put the nation $20 Trillion in the red.

A study says teen “angst” can be an early sign of teen depression. Or it could just be a sign that they are a teenager.

A study says Spokane, Washington police stop a disproportionate number of minorities. People were surprised. Since when have there been any minorities in Spokane?

A study says women get five times more likes on Instagram than men. Mostly because there are five times as many men on Instagram who are there only to look for pictures of any hot women.

There have been no takers for a request from French President Macron for climate scientists to move to France. Mostly because the last thing anyone wants to do while the planet is heating up is go to the place where people have no concept of personal hygiene.

Sean Spicer says unauthorized leaks of classified or sensitive information is “frankly dangerous.” Especially if the leak is about Donald Trump leaking classified or sensitive information to the Russians.

A New York City public library is bringing drag queens together with children for story hour. The only problem is the other library regulars of the homeless, vagrants and drug abusers want to know when it will be their turn.

The French Open has denied Maria Sharapova a wild card for this year’s tournament. Not because she wasn’t qualified, they were just afraid of the ear damage they might suffer from her squeals of joy when they made the announcement.

A South African man was arrested for trying to climb Mt. Everest by himself while bypassing the $11,000 climbing permit. That makes it the second most expensive mountain in the world, way behind the cost of a ticket, souvenirs and food on a Disneyland vacation to ride the Matterhorn.

Big TV networks are slamming social media as not being safe places to advertise. The only problem is that social media users under 30 are asking “What’s TV?”

Beth Mowins will become the first woman to announce a nationally televised NFL game when the Chargers play the Broncos. If she has a good game, anyone watching to see her drop the ball will still be granted their wish by getting to watch the Chargers.

The Miss USA Pageant flopped on Fox, getting only 3 Million viewers. Which is Fox’s own fault, because people who want to watch scantily clad women on TV can get that programming 24 hours a day by going over to Fox News.

Ford says it is planning job cuts to boost its profits and raise stock prices. Which is good news for the people who are fired who thanks to their termination will find the 401(k) account they have to cash out to survive will now be going up in value.

McDonald’s has pulled an ad in the UK that features a boy talking to his mom about his deceased father, and the mother tells him they had something in common as his father also liked Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. What the commercial doesn’t tell you is that the father died from obesity and heart disease from eating too many Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

Delta, United and American were three of the top four airlines for on-time rankings in March. Which shows that they were able to avoid costly delays by getting passengers to stay in line by dragging them off flights, hitting them with strollers and throwing them off when they refused to give up their seats.

A study says women are not into “marriageable” men anymore, those who have a steady income and can pay their bills. Mostly because the only ones who can do that are living in their parents’ basement and will be there the next 20 years until they pay off their college loans.

A poll says Americans’ confidence in the economy is at a post-election low. Political experts were shocked. Why did it take everyone six months to figure out what would happen to the nation after electing Donald Trump?

Wedding fireworks ruptured the eardrum of a Swiss man. If his wife thought he didn’t listen to her before…

Wedding fireworks ruptured the eardrum of a Swiss man. At least he now knows how the people in his country make cheese.

Wedding fireworks ruptured the eardrum of a Swiss man. The sad part is that the groom figured that was going to be the only way the bride was going to see the fireworks she was hoping for on her wedding night.

A survey says most Americans are confused about what counts as a healthy food choice. Although a good rule of thumb is pretty much anything they have no interest in eating.

A study says just getting up and moving around seems to reduce feelings of depression. Especially for people who realize they haven’t moved from the couch because of binge watching Netflix for the past 36 hours.

Katy Perry is set to be one of the judges on the return of “American Idol.” Apparently she got a really good offer as it turns out her entertainment lawyer is the Left Shark.

A new ABC drama called “Firehouse” will be about firefighters in Seattle. The show will revolve around the action the firefighters see on the two days of the year in Seattle that houses are capable of catching fire because it isn’t raining.

ESPN has canceled the “Mike & Mike” radio show after 17 years. Which means for the first time since 200, there will be no Mike or Mike at the mic.

A report says NBA prospects respect Lonzo Ball for having his own shoe as a rookie. The thing they like most about the shoe is that unlike his dad LaVar, it has a tongue that isn’t moving all the time.

A judge has dismissed most the claims by retired NFL players in a painkiller lawsuit, saying the language was extensive, disorganized and contradictory. Kind of like what you might hear from people who had been fed too many painkillers over the years.

Fitbit has ranked the fittest countries, with Ireland and the UK at the top and the U.S. finishing 28th. The sad part was the U.S. finished so poorly because of all the Americans who couldn’t participate because their wrists were too fat to put on a Fitbit.

A study says older doctors are linked to a higher death rate among patients. Especially the ones who are old enough to still be prescribing them blood-letting, shock treatment and patent medicines.

A study says older doctors are linked to a higher death rate among patients. Mostly the ones who know they are getting old and would like a little company when they go.

Kimberly Guilfoyle, who is reportedly being considered as White House Press Secretary says it would be “tough to beat” working at Fox News. Mostly because at Fox she is already given national exposure, is paid well and has carte blanche to stretch the truth as far as she wants.

Dan Rather says “prayer won’t be enough” to save the U.S. from Donald Trump. Not to say that Rather may be getting a little old, but the word is that all his prayer sessions begin with “What’s the frequency Kenneth?”

John McCain says Donald Trump’s scandals have hit “Watergate size and scale.” In his lifetime, he says it now rivals Harding’s Teapot Dome, Grover Cleveland’s illegitimate child and Ulysses S. Grant’s gold market manipulation.

John McCain says Donald Trump’s scandals have hit “Watergate size and scale.” To which Hillary Clinton is saying “and you all voted against me because of an e-mail server?”

Donald Trump is laying the blame of the latest White House turmoil on his communications staff. Apparently he is furious that they just can’t come up with enough lies, pivots and spins fast enough to confuse everyone.

Donald Trump is laying the blame of the latest White House turmoil on his communications staff. That could result in the first news conference where the White House Press Secretary responds to every question by pleading the Fifth.

A survey says a record few Americans believe the Bible is the written word of God. Mostly the ones who buy Donald Trump’s explanation that the real written word of God is “The Art of the Deal.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is that time of year when I actually ask you all for something, besides your everlasting patience. The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk is this week and I am hoping you will all see fit to chip in some money to fight the disease that took my wife from my daughter and me six years ago. Whatever you can afford would be great. Just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen and it will take you right to the site. If you like and use the jokes, I hope you will give a little something back to help the young people who are just being diagnosed to be able to live a full and healthy life. I can think of no better way to really send the love!

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