Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“Saturday Night Live” is enjoying its most-watched season in 23 years. The good news for the White House is that if the show wins an Emmy for Best Writing, a full credit for the award will be given to Donald Trump.

A study says the risk of heart attack goes up 17% for people after having the flu or pneumonia. Mostly after the patients get the bill from the hospital after going to the ER with the flu or pneumonia.

Scientists are debunking the myth of the “happy drunk,” saying alcohol doesn’t change a person’s personality. Which is going to really hurt Mel Gibson’s comeback when people learn that he is like that even when he is sober.

A report says nervous aides of Donald Trump are hoping for some kind of reboot for the administration. “Reboot” in this case meaning being next in line to the person who just got booted out the door.

Amazon is reportedly worth twice as much as Wal-Mart. When Wal-Mart when on its big campaign to rollback prices, no one realized they meant on their stock value.

A study says eating salt can help people lose weight. Except when their source of salt is eating most of their meals at Pizza Hut, Hardees and Taco Bell.

France’s President Macron is calling for a “historic reconstruction” of Europe. To which the UK is saying “We’re way ahead of you.”

Donald Trump says his search for a new FBI Director is moving “rapidly.” He is looking for someone with a law enforcement background with the skills necessary to continue the investigation into ties with Russia. That means Trump will be interviewing nearly every meter maid in Washington, D.C.

The White House says it was not hit by the worldwide cyber attack. Although privately Donald Trump’s aides were hoping that hackers would do them all a favor and find a way to shut down Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Federal judges are reportedly skeptical over Donald Trump’s motivation for his travel ban. Mostly because it doesn’t seem to have his usual motivation for doing anything which is for money, attention or personal praise.

Kris Kobach, an advocate for tough voting rules has been named to lead a new commission to investigate voter fraud. Which under the definition of Donald Trump means anyone who voted for someone else.

A 101 year old D-Day veteran has become the oldest person ever to skydive. His next adventure is to really be a daredevil and book a flight on an overbooked United plane where he refuses to give up his seat.

Barron Trump will reportedly attend a private Episcopal school in Maryland. Mostly because Maryland made it on the list of the 48 other states or districts that aren’t where his mother lives in New York or where his father can be found in Washington, D.C. and Florida.

United Airlines says cockpit access codes were accidentally posted online by a flight attendant. It is imperative for flight attendants to have the codes to make sure they can get into the cockpit with the fully stocked drink cart during Happy Hour.

United Airlines says cockpit access codes were accidentally posted online. The pilots need the security to lock themselves away from passengers when they announce another cancellation or three hour delay.

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich says Donald Trump “thinks he is in a game show.” To which Democrats agree and are looking for ways to send him home with some lovely parting gifts.

The Supreme Court has declined taking a case over a North Carolina law that was ruled to discriminate against minorities. Apparently the High Court is using the 2000 election precedence of staying out of the voting process until it is actually time to pick the President.

Researchers say finding someone on a dating site using only their photo is not a reliable way to find a partner. At least for researchers who find there is zero interest with someone wearing horned rimmed glasses and a lab coat.

Researchers say finding someone on a dating site using only their photo is not a reliable way to find a partner. Which is the modern-day way of trying to fix someone up with a friend who “has a really good personality.”

A report says the unemployment rate is at its lowest point since the Great Recession. Mostly because of all the people who now need to work three minimum wage jobs just to pay for the health insurance they are about to lose.

New York could become the first state to adopt “textalyzer” technology to see if someone was distracted while driving because of their cellphone. Unfortunately, the technology won’t help to uncover the number one cause of distracted driving in New York, driving while giving someone the finger.

Domino’s stock has gone up 5,000% since 2008. Which is no coincidence that during the same time their average regular customers’ waist size has gone up by the exact same amount.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will wear the Goodyear logo on their uniforms next year. Which means it is a good think Shaquille O’Neal is no longer in the NBA because if he had to wear that logo he would keep being followed around by the blimp crew trying to tether him down.

European car plants were halted by the wannacry ransomeware attack. That also included the Renault plant in France which could mean a delay in getting vehicles delivered to the three people who are still planning to buy a Renault this year.

Hospitals are being targeted as ransomware extortion increases. Mostly by hackers who have had to stay in a hospital lately and are saying “How do YOU like it?”

Video poker machines are being used to help patients in stroke rehab in Las Vegas. After which, the people who have successfully recovered from their stroke will then be put into rehab for their new gambling addiction.

A California baby was recently born that weighed 13.5 pounds. Which means in order to be beach ready, the baby at least has the next 18 years to drop that couple of extra pounds.

A study says exercise makes people younger down to the cellular level. Which is ironic since it is their cellular device that keeps people on the couch and away from any exercise in the first place.

 A study says physician burnout is on the rise. Which Donald Trump is addressing by finding a way to drop doctors’ heavy workload by making it so only three people in the country still have enough health insurance to schedule an appointment.

Pesticide makers say that claims that their products kill endangered species are based on “flawed” science. They say they have proof that their pesticides are made to kill off any species no matter if it is on a list or not.

A study by Johns Hopkins says Americans waste 40% of all available food. Which is good news because can you imagine us being another 40% overweight if we tried to eat everything?

A study by Johns Hopkins says Americans waste 40% of all available food. Mostly because we only like to eat the 60% that is unhealthy but tastes good.

A poll says 48% of Americans say the GP health care proposal is a bad idea. The other 52% are calling it horrible, a disaster, catastrophic, a debacle, a total failure…

A poll says only 23% of Americans say the GP health care proposal is a good idea. Which unsurprisingly is the exact same percentage of people who voted for Donald Trump for President.

A quarter million pounds of frozen burritos have been recalled because of the threat of listeria. Not only that, the company is now being threatened to be sued for copyright infringement from Chipotle.

MMA fighter Joanna Jedrzejczyk successfully defended her UFC title over the weekend. “Jedrzejczyk” isn’t her real name. It’s just what her opponents sound like they are saying with the teeth they still have left after fighting her.

The Museum of Ice Cream in L.A. reports recent visits from Katy Perry, Gwyneth Paltrow and Beyonce. The story was broken by USA Today, whose reporting staff says they worked very hard to get the scoop.

“The Bachelor” couple Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell have decided to call off their engagement, saying they wanted “different things.” Which apparently is someone else.

“The Bachelor” couple Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell have decided to call off their engagement, saying they wanted “different things.” Which, like for most contestants on “The Bachelor” means separate careers in television.

Kate Upton says she won’t diet before her upcoming wedding. Mostly because she could add another 40 pounds, break out in acne and have a tooth knocked out and still be pretty sure that she wouldn’t be left standing at the altar.

Chris Daughtry will rejoin the “American Idol” revival on the judges’ panel. Which means all those predictions of his being a finalist on the original show leading to some actual work are finally going to come true.

USC has reportedly paid former coach Lane Kiffin $6 Million in the three years since he left the team. Which most USC fans call $6 Million for three years without Kiffin leading the team, “a pretty good bargain.”

USC has reportedly paid former coach Lane Kiffin $6 Million in the three years since he left the team. Or as most USC graduates call $6 Million for three years after leaving the private school, their tuition loan payments.

The College Football Playoff title game will reportedly feature a Super Bowl style halftime show this year. Meaning they will dig up some has-beens looking for a career boost and just pray that part of their comeback isn’t a wardrobe malfunction.

The College Football Playoff title game will reportedly feature a Super Bowl style halftime show this year. Which may finally mean a comeback is in the making after two years of being unable to find any work for the Left Shark.

Duke basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski made a reported $9 Million in 2015. Which means he should finally have enough money to be able to ask Vanna to buy a vowel.

Notre Dame has finished paying off its $18 Million buyout of former football coach Charlie Weis. Which means it is the first time a religious institution has ever been the one that was expected to tithe.

Disney CEO Robert Iger says hackers are threatening to release the latest film in the franchise of “The Pirates of the Caribbean.” Which couldn’t be more ironic than a film about pirates being kidnapped and held for ransom by a bunch of pirates.

A Delta kiosk will check the faces of passengers before they check their bags. Which may be hard to compare against the photos taken after they land when their expressions are furious and their faces bright red when they find out their luggage will arrive sometime next month.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have been very busy lately and have no excuses other than that for being this late, but I have just updated the picture of me and my wife to where you can click on it to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I work hard to bring you the jokes every day and never ask for anything (much) in return except for this time of year. My lovely wife Karen died from Cystic Fibrosis six years ago and this coming weekend is the annual Great Strides Walk to raise money for the cause to find a cure for this horrible disease. I am asking you to click on the picture and donate whatever you see fit. I will give anyone donating a shout out here but more importantly, you will help some youngsters who are fighting the illness with the chance to lead a long and healthy life. Thanks in advance. On another note, I sometimes gripe about people who steal from this site. This is for people who like to read jokes and for on-air people who like to add humor to their shows. But anyone who is a writer who is profiting from my work needs to start writing checks. That is called stealing and it happens. My good friend, comedy writer Alex Kaseberg is suing Conan O’Brien for “lifting” several of his jokes. The case is moving forward in court and I wish Alex all the best. He is a great comedy writer who only steals from me occasionally (just kidding!) and is showing the courage to go after those who stoop to low levels to help their own careers and pocketbooks in the process. I hope he sticks it to them and gets the compensation he deserves for his efforts and more importantly finds a way to stop people from profiting unfairly off the work of others. So let’s all hope his lawyers are able to be successful and keep some honesty in the business. For that I hope you all keep Alex in mind when you remember to always keep on sending the love!

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