Sunday, May 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Dozens of countries were hit by a huge cyberextortion attack over the weekend. Which millions of people know every month as the Internet provider bill.

A San Francisco museum is the site of an exhibit to mark the 50th anniversary of the Summer of Love. The difference all these years later is that instead of pot, mushrooms and LSD, the drug of choice for the hippie generation is now Zoloft, Prilosec and Viagra.

A study says dogs reduce children’s stress more than parental support. Mostly because while parents won’t even help with their math, kids can always count on the dog for an excuse of eating their homework.

A study says women are worse at CPR than men. Although it’s mostly a case of when a woman sees her husband having a heart attack and just says “Eh.”

A study says birds choose their neighbors based on their personality just like humans. Although if humans don’t like their neighbor, they can just park the car they are living in on the next block over.

A study says birds choose their neighbors based on their personality just like humans. Which means neither will live near Justin Bieber because of his habit of always throwing eggs.

Interim FBI Director Andrew McCabe says he has no interest in briefing Donald Trump about the investigation into his ties with Russia. Which is good news for James Comey who will at least now have someone to keep him company in the unemployment line.

Former FBI Director James Comey is reportedly furious at the lack of respect he got from the White House and was caught off guard by his firing. Although that shows maybe it was justified as a really good investigator should have seen that one coming.

Former FBI Director James Comey is reportedly furious at the lack of respect he got from the White House and was caught off guard by his firing. Which brings up the question, has he been living in a cave the past six months?

A 110 Million year old dinosaur fossil found in Canada is being called the best preserved ever. To which Larry King is saying, “What am I, chopped liver?”

A broken sewer line has turned a New Jersey woman’s home into a “river of feces.” Or as most New Jersey people call that, waterfront property.

North Korea says it will have discussions with the U.S. under the right conditions. Apparently they are impressed we both now have leaders who are irrational, are pushing for war and have equally bad haircuts.

A court has ruled a Kentucky print shop has the right to refuse making Gay Pride T-shirts. Although if they didn’t want any business from the Gay community, maybe the shop shouldn’t have picked the name “Hands On Originals.”

Scientists say technology will allow them to chat with dolphins by 2021. It turns out many sea creatures are activists who don’t like to see performers held in captivity and forced to perform unnatural acts. Because of that, the dolphins are calling for the closing of Cirque du Soleil.

Scientists say technology will allow them to chat with dolphins by 2021. Although it’s tough to get the dolphins to sit still for any length of time so any interviews will have to be conducted by Michael Phelps.

A Georgia death row inmate says he wants to be executed by firing squat because he feels lethal injection would be too painful. Which shows that some men are just such babies when it comes to a fear of needles.

 A Georgia death row inmate says he wants to be executed by firing squat because he feels lethal injection would be too painful. Which is strange because either way he is going to have to deal with a shot.

An anti-abortion group is suing Fresno State University after a professor erased some chalk messages on a sidewalk. Which brings up the question of aren’t college students a little old to still be writing messages in chalk?

An anti-abortion group is suing Fresno State University after a professor erased some chalk messages on a sidewalk. Not only that, they are being sued by a nearby preschool for erasing two hopscotch courts and a heart declaring “Jimmy loves Cindy.”

The global cyberextortion attack was reportedly done using malware stolen from the NSA. Wouldn’t you know it was accessed by the one group the NSA was apparently not spying on?

Donald Trump is reportedly considering numerous candidates for the next FBI Director. The three prerequisites he is looking for is the ability to see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil.

British Health Services were reportedly paralyzed by the massive global cyberextortion attack. To which Donald Trump can now say his health care proposal will make the U.S. exactly like what they have in the UK.

Airline profits have reportedly plunged since the U.S. ban of laptops on international flights. Which means Americans will take being dragged off a plane and being hit by a stroller but there will be hell to pay when you try to take away their gadgets.

Texas state lawmakers have passed a bill prohibiting mandatory vaccinations of foster children, calling it “invasive and unnecessary.” Which based on their ideas of health care, many people are using the same words to describe the GOP.

The Nation’s Capital set a tourism record in 2016. Mostly from people who wanted to get one last look at the White House, Congress and Supreme Court while the country’s democracy was still in place.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft says Donald Trump doesn’t mean everything he says. Then what was the whole point of electing him because he wasn’t a career politician?

Patriots owner Robert Kraft says Donald Trump doesn’t mean everything he says. To which James Comey who was praised by Trump in October is now saying “Tell me about it!”

A report says Wells Fargo may have opened 3.5 Million bogus bank accounts, 67% more than previous estimates. To which Wells Fargo executives are excusing by saying their company just isn’t very good with numbers.

Uber is facing a federal criminal probe over their development of driverless cars. Which shows that Donald Trump will do anything to keep investigators busy doing anything else that keeps them away from looking into his ties to Russia.

Anthem Insurance is ending its $48 Billion bid to take over Cigna and will fight Cigna’s call for a merger break-up fee. With Anthem cancelling Cigna and refusing to pay their claims, who do they think they are? Some kind of health insurance company?

Donald Trump is suggesting he will end the daily White House briefing and is reportedly considering firing Sean Spicer. He may replace him with a world class poker player who has more of an ability to not be so easily detected when they are bluffing.

A study says Trump voters are the least likely people to buy an electric car. Mostly because they think that when Trump says he will make America great again, he means going back to when the main mode of transportation was the horse and buggy.

Nearly 1,000 teachers and students were sickened at 32 schools in northern California. No one had any idea that the school district’s cafeteria duties were taken over by Chipotle.

Doctors are warning of a nasty parasite in sushi. Which is probably of no concern to people who already have no problem ingesting raw mackerel, squid and octopus.

Doctors are warning of a nasty parasite in sushi. Until now, the only parasite people had to worry about at a sushi bar was their dinner buddy who always runs up a $40 bill and says he forgot his wallet.

A report says infections of Hepatitis C are at a 15 year high. Although people were just happy to hear that Pam Anderson is dating again.

A report says 1 in 4 Medicare recipients are spending at least 20% of their income on medical costs. Which is better than the 9 of 10 people under 65 who lost their health insurance and are spending 150% of their income paying off medical bills.

A study says humans can smell as well as dogs. Which is hard to believe because you never see any men sniffing around bathroom urinals to see who has used it before them.

A study says men who prefer Internet porn to sex with a real partner may be unable to perform with another person when they get the opportunity. Although if they could get a real partner they wouldn’t be spending all their time on Internet porn in the first place.

A report says “Avocado hand” injuries are increasing where people cut themselves when they try to slice an avocado. That and getting a fork in the back of their hand when they try and take a scoop of their dinner date’s guacamole dip.

The first map of Disneyland that was drawn by Walt Disney will be put up for auction. Even back then Disney was a visionary, making room for 20 park rides and 6,000 miles of winding trail space to accommodate all the people waiting in line.

Eleanor Coppola is making her directorial debut at age 80. The only problem was when the sound engineer asked about microphone placement, she said “Movies have sound now?”

Rams quarterback Jared Goff says he “wants to be great.” Which most people are asking if he really feels that way, why did he put his signature on a contract with the Rams?

Colin Kaepernick says he hasn’t talked with any teams about a job as quarterback. So even after he left the 49ers, when it comes to work he is still taking a knee.

Donald Trump gave the commencement speech at Liberty University where he also announced the upcoming football schedule. Which he then predicted an undefeated perfect season and blamed the media in the case of any losses.

Donald Trump gave the commencement speech at Liberty University where he also announced the upcoming football schedule. Apparently he got the lineup through secret recordings he had made at dinner with the athletic director.

Apple is reportedly building an iCar which will be made the same way as their iPhone. Meaning it will come in two colors and will cost 12 times more than any other vehicles.

Twitter’s CEO defended giving Donald Trump a platform, saying it is important to learn what he has to say. And for the fact that millions of people only use Twitter to check out Trump’s latest rants.

 Twitter’s CEO defended giving Donald Trump a platform, saying it is important to learn what he has to say. For instance, people need to know if they should wear their radiation suits to work today, or if World War III will be delayed until next week.

Twitter’s CEO defended giving Donald Trump a platform, saying it is important to learn what he has to say. They want to know if the nation’s leader is starting off the day with insults, threats or just general abuse.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz is reportedly heading to Fox News when he leaves Congress. So a guy from a state where people have multiple wives is going to a company going through a rash of sexual harassment claims. What could possibly go wrong?

Marco Rubio says he is “very encouraged” that Donald Trump is considering politicians while looking for a new FBI Director. Mostly because everyone in Washington, D.C. is scared to death that the agency will be run by someone who actually knows how to do an investigation.

A North Dakota voter fuming over health care shoved cash down a congressman’s shirt. To which the legislator said “We have finally gotten our message through to the people!”

Pope Francis I says he is searching for common ground with Donald Trump. To which Trump is saying they definitely have something in common. Like the fact that Trump is the Pope’s immediate supervisor.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just had a flashback today. No, it wasn’t a bad tab of acid coming back to get me after all these years. It’s just that having Donald Trump in the White House is like going straight back to the Nixon years. When Trump said he was going to make America great again, no one knew he was talking about what we were like in 1972. I just know that I feel great again when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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