Friday, May 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Adelphia University in New York men’s lacrosse team has been entering the field to audio of a Donald Trump speech. In order to keep his players in line, the coach keeps playing the one where Trump tells FBI Director James Comey “You’re fired!”

A White House panel will investigate voter fraud. Apparently they will start with how Donald Trump got fewer votes and still ended up in the White House.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo says a large cache of weapons in Venezuela is at risk of falling into the wrong hands. Like the ones of those who are running Venezuela.

Facebook is being accused of shutting down ex-Muslim groups who claim the social media site is “exercising intellectual persecution.” The only intellectual persecution is the frustration of anyone going on the site to find something besides pictures of meals people are eating and cat videos.

A study says social media is as addicting as chocolate and nicotine. Especially for the people who sit in front of a computer screen all day smoking and eating candy.

A study says social media is as addicting as chocolate and nicotine. Which is tough to see someone going through all the withdrawal symptoms associated with not being able to get their daily fix of cat videos.

A report says journalism jobs recently spiked by 38% along with a 7% pay increase in Washington, D.C. Mostly the need for more boots on the ground and combat pay to have to go up against Sean Spicer every day.

Donald Trump says he is “consumed by news.” Mostly because he has to watch CNN every day to catch up on all the leaks so he can find out what is going on at the White House.

A faith-based film reportedly is filled with F-bombs and other profanity. Which sounds like how Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” would have ended up if the movie featured any cops.

Sears CEO Eddie Lampert is blaming his company’s woes on the “irresponsible media.” Which may be the first clue he is considering running for public office.

Sears CEO Eddie Lampert is blaming his company’s woes on the “irresponsible media.” Although it’s hard to figure out how it was the media’s fault that Sears decided to merge with Kmart.

Donald Trump reportedly told Ukraine’s foreign minister he supports the Ukraine over Russia. Going after Russia could come back to haunt him, as it’s never a good idea politically to turn on the people who got you elected.

A report says frustration is growing over the social media ban in Kashmir. Mostly for the three people there who actually have Internet access who can’t share pictures of what they ate for breakfast anymore.

A report says frustration is growing over the social media ban in Kashmir. Although it isn’t that big of a deal for most social media users around the world who know “Kashmir” as a song by Led Zeppelin.

The White House is saying their story about the firing of FBI Director James Comey has been consistent. Meaning as usual it started out with contradictions, then was followed by a retraction, denial and finally blamed on the media.

Russia is blaming the U.S. for the “atmosphere of cold war.” Which is ironic considering that Donald Trump is doing everything in his power to prevent measures to keep the planet from out of control warming.

A European court has ruled Uber is a transportation and not a tech company. Apparently they used the same logic that says just because Domino’s now has an app, it doesn’t change the fact it is still a pizzeria.

The candy industry is working together to get consumers to cut back on the amount of sugar they are eating. Which sounds self-destructive until you consider candy makers are tired of losing all their best customers before they reach 50.

A forecast says the Oakland job market will cool during 2017. Mostly from the fact the team is moving to Las Vegas which means the city will no longer need half their police force, jail guards and bail bondsmen.

A report says some workplaces are offering “maternity concierges” for pregnant workers to help them prepare for their baby. Duties include shopping, making doctor’s appointments and screaming at their husbands “You did this to her!”

A report says desperate patients are swapping pricey pharmaceutical drugs like types of insulin over a black market on Facebook. Which is ironic for the people who became diabetic in the first place from sitting in front of a computer all day posting on Facebook.

Oakland International Airport is giving fliers five free days of parking for anyone taking an international flight. The only problem is the seven weeks of parking fees they will still owe for the amount of time it takes to make it back home on an overseas flight with United.

Despite the recent retail slump, Macy’s is saying “We’re not dead.” Mostly because when they say it they point to Sears and say “Now that is something that is dead.”

Despite the recent retail slump, Macy’s is saying “We’re not dead.” To which Penney’s is saying “Neither are we, but does anyone here know CPR?”

A study says mean bosses are secretly miserable. Which is at least a bit of solace that James Comey can take with him out the door.

A report says California has one of the most expensive prison systems in the world. Which sounds like a waste of money to make for all those luxurious accommodations and then never actually convict anyone who is rich or famous.

A survey says financially stressed Americans prefer to save over spending. Mostly because they have no choice ever since the bank cancelled all their credit cards.

A survey says financially stressed Americans prefer to save over spending. The only problem is it is hard to do either one when you are trying to get by working part time at three minimum wage jobs.

A study says teenage drinking is down but 1 in 6 still binge drink. The good news is those are mostly ambitious high school kids who just consider it a necessary part of college prep.

Nevada lawmakers are weighing an aid-in-dying bill for terminally ill patients. Which has always been an option in Nevada by just not paying off any gambling debts.

A study says parents should praise their kids for good behavior five times a day. To which most parents are asking where they find any children who actually do something good five times every day?

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in West Virginia which is the epicenter of the opioid epidemic to talk about addressing the problem. Which the Trump Administration is handling by taking away the method most people use to obtain opioids using their health insurance with prescription coverage.

The CBO is set to examine the GOP health care bill later this month and report how much it will cost taxpayers. So far it doesn’t look good as the preliminary findings are “How much you got?”

Ivanka Trump’s new book “Women Who Work” will debut on the New York Times bestseller list. Which is good news for the Times as it will give Donald Trump at least one day to stop calling them “fake news” and praise their wonderful journalism.

Ivanka Trump’s new book “Women Who Work” will debut on the New York Times bestseller list. How long it remains on the list depends on whether the Times will label its genre as “Fiction” or “Fantasy.”

Ivanka Trump’s new book “Women Who Work” will debut on the New York Times bestseller list. So far it is being carried under the genre of cookbook since anyone buying it must be mixing up a mean batch of meth.

Former Olympic skater Michelle Kwan has filed for divorce from her husband Clay Pell. Apparently it came as no surprise for people who know the couple, saying the past couple of years their relationship has been on thin ice.

Former Olympic skater Michelle Kwan has filed for divorce from her husband Clay Pell. The word is he has gone into hiding and swears he is being followed by Jeff Gillooly.

A stuntman on “Hawaii Five-0” is suing CBS, saying he was hit by a car on set. CBS is challenging the claim, saying that is pretty much his job description.

Fox News sent out an alert to Apple news subscribers saying “Most men just want a woman who’s nice.” Like Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly who are still looking for someone they can leer at without being sued for $13 Million.

The 1970s hit TV show “Dynasty” will get a reboot on the CW. Apparently the network felt it was a good time for a soap opera about an oil family now that the industry has ended its own real-life dramatics of $4 a gallon gasoline and dumping millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

Kansas guard Frank Mason III says he was asked at the NBA Combine what was his preferred way to die. Which for most NBA players would be from terminal arthritis from constantly polishing their six MVP awards and twelve championship rings.

Former NFL player Plaxico Burress has finally come out and explained how he shot himself at a New York nightclub in 2008. Bringing it up again means instead of shooting himself in the leg he is trying now to shoot himself in the foot.

Former NFL player Plaxico Burress has finally come out and explained how he shot himself at a New York nightclub in 2008. Most people are more interested in how his parents ever came up with the name “Plaxico”?

Masters champ Sergio Garcia aced the famous 17th hole at The Players Championship on Thursday. Or as his Spanish countrymen are calling it, “A hole in Juan.”

Lavar Ball says about his son being mentored, “I don’t need no advice from Kobe Bryant.” Although maybe he could take a few grammar tips from an English teacher.

A tool called Stolen Phone Checker allows people to see if the phone they are thinking of buying has been stolen. The first clue is when the phone was advertised on craigslist and the person selling it is doing business out of the trunk of a ’65 Chevy.

A study says Twitter can predict a flu outbreak six weeks in advance. Not only that, the people following Donald Trump’s account are already predicting by several months the start of World War III.

A U.S. ban of laptops on international air travel could affect 350 flights a day from Europe. If you thought people were being dragged off of flights for not giving up their seat, just wait until they have to sit through an eight hour flight without being able to log on to Facebook.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says the U.S. “won’t be rushed” on climate change policies. He says there is no hurry because if people think it’s getting too warm, they just have to wait another 5 Billion years until the Sun burns out.

Donald Trump is now saying he fired FBI Director James Comey because he was “a showboat.” Which he has a right to do after winning the greatest election victory in history while in the process of making America great again because he has the highest IQ ever.

Donald Trump reportedly pressured former FBI Director James Comey to pledge his loyalty. Apparently Comey was fired after Trump told him to kiss his ring and Comey told Trump he could kiss something else.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I keep cranking out the jokes for you, but if things keep going the way they are I am going to start having to give a credit byline to Donald Trump. He is the gift that does not stop giving. It’s a good thing I don’t get paid for this or I would have to start sending him some royalty checks. That just shows what a good businessman I am. It is time for the weekend and a couple of days off from this site. Maybe you should all be paying me for giving you a break. But I will be back on Monday as usual. In the meantime there is nothing stopping you other than good taste and lack of interest from remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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