Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Hacking activist group Anonymous is telling people to “prepare for World War III.” To which most people are saying that is old news, they have been getting ready for a global conflict to start ever since the November election.

Hacking activist group Anonymous is telling people to “prepare for World War III.” The irony is there is nothing anonymous about it. When World War III starts it will have the name “Donald Trump” all over it.

Chicago has already reported its 200th homicide this year. Although some were a result of global warming and people getting shot on purpose so they can cool down with the bullet holes as a source of ventilation.

ABC is reviving “American Idol” while mocking Fox for canceling the show. To which Fox is saying as long as they are stealing Fox shows, any chance they might want to pilfer “Son of Zorn”?

A study says early humans co-existed with a human-like species 300,000 years ago. Which is the equivalent today of going to a ball game at Citi Field and mingling around with the Mets fans.

A study says early humans co-existed with a human-like species 300,000 years ago. That still happens today. It’s called women who look for dates on Tinder.

A report says there are 1,200 laws addressing climate change around the world. The irony is that the Earth’s temperature will rise another three degrees by the time Donald Trump is through burning them all.

Madison, Wisconsin schools have blocked social media sites from students. That is forcing cyber bullies to put down their gadgets and torment weaker kids the traditional way with old fashioned wedgies.

Madison, Wisconsin schools have blocked social media sites from students. They are weaning them off the sites gradually by sending tips on Facebook on how to actually speak face to face with another human.

A study says too much exercise increases health risks. Well, there’s one thing at least most Americans can cross off their “worry” list.

A Tinder-style app matches sperm donors with prospective parents. Which apart from the prospective parents is pretty much the same idea behind Tinder.

A work slowdown at Spirit Airlines caused 38 cancellations and 63 delays on Tuesday. Or as that is called at United Airlines, “Tuesday.”

A Pennsylvania woman has been charged after waking up in the wrong bed in the wrong home after a night of drinking. Or as most women know that as, their junior year of college.

An Irish beach that washed away 33 years ago reappeared overnight after a freak tide. Which is great news for the local residents who can now actually use the beach again on the two days during the year it isn’t raining.

United Airlines stock has hit an all time high. Apparently people are buying up tickets hoping to get a good seat to watch when they drag off the next passenger.

Coke’s new CEO told his staff to “make mistakes” and not be cautious. This from the company that gave us New Coke.

Coke’s new CEO told his staff to “make mistakes” and not be cautious. Apparently he hasn’t recently checked the product line up that includes Fanta, Mello Yello, Coke Zero, Coke Life, Fresca…

A survey says women are the least optimistic about America’s future. Mostly because they are not trusting by nature since they married the unemployed middle class men who voted in Donald Trump.

A study says 1 out of 3 FDA approved drugs are subject to later safety issues. Or as the FDA is saying about the others, “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

A study says 1 out of 3 FDA approved drugs are subject to later safety issues. The other two are safe because between the price gouging of pharmaceutical companies and the GOP health care proposal, no one can afford prescriptions for them anyway.

Donald Trump’s Atlantic City casino sold for four cents on the dollar. Which coincidentally is pretty much the same rate that China will get for all their investments when Trump bankrupts the U.S.

Donald Trump’s Atlantic City casino sold for four cents on the dollar. Trump called it “The eighth wonder of the world.” Mostly because his investors are now wondering where all their money went.

A brawl broke out at a Florida airport over cancellations and delays by Spirit Airlines. At least on United and American, all the fights wait until everyone is properly boarded on the plane.

A survey says one of the top destinations for drunk drivers is making a booty call. Which unfortunately can be the unwanted result when they end up spending the night in a cell at the county jail.

A report says assault rifles are piling up at stores across the country after the election of Donald Trump. Ironically for gun makers and the NRA, to stay in business they will have to start supporting only the candidates who want to shut them down.

Former President Obama says the private sector will lead the way on climate change. And with this administration in charge, also for health care, women’s rights, the economy, labor laws, the environment…

Donald Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey. Apparently after Comey helped him win the election by reopening the investigation of Hillary Clinton, all Trump could say is “But what have you done for me lately?”

Donald Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey. Apparently, Trump wants to avoid any appearance of conflict when he announces that Comey will reprise his role in 2020 as his behind-the-scenes campaign chairman.

Cuba has opened its first luxury mall. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stock the one thing that can lead to material wealth for the average Cuban. An inflatable raft and paddles.

Cuba has opened its first luxury mall. Which means it features items that can only be dreamt about by most Cubans. Like socks, radios, toilet paper…

French fashion models will need a note from their doctors verifying they are in good health before taking to the catwalks. The problem is they pin the note to the models’ blouse so it won’t blow away only to see the model swept away by a gust of wind.

French fashion models will need a note from their doctors verifying they are in good health before taking to the catwalks. Now all they need is a note to verify before they try on the clothes that the models take a bath and use a razor.

The Rhode Island legislature is considering a bill to allow students to bring sunscreen to school without a doctor’s note. Which will come in handy on the two days of the year that it is sunny enough in Rhode Island to need sun block.

The Rhode Island legislature is considering a bill to allow students to bring sunscreen to school without a doctor’s note. Although for most kids, there isn’t enough room in their backpacks for it anyway to fit between all their drug paraphernalia and weapons.

A report says the rich and famous are given priority at many hospitals. Mostly because the rich and famous are the only ones who have enough money to actually be able to pay their hospital bill in cash.

A British study says the measurements of store mannequins are similar to extremely underweight women. Which in the UK means they come in about a size 14.

A British study says the measurements of store mannequins are similar to extremely underweight women. Which in this day and age is about as realistic as if they gave them all three eyes.

A British study says the measurements of store mannequins are similar to extremely underweight women. They should ship them to Hollywood where they are incredibly realistic. Dangerously thin women with most working parts made of plastic.

A survey says 4 of 5 physician moms say they experience discrimination at work. The fifth is the one who doesn’t spend her whole day telling her colleagues about all the cute things her child has done that day.

Robert De Niro accepted an award where he raged at Donald Trump’s “hostility” towards the arts. Which is really amazing coming from the man who starred in “Dirty Grandpa.”

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will reportedly star with his wife in a home renovation show. The episodes will key in on arguments between the couple whether to put money into her suggestion for a tiled pool enclosure or his for a 27 car garage.

The Rolling Stones have announced their “No Filter” tour of Europe this summer. The name came from Keith Richards getting in his car to drive to the corner store to get coffee filters and ending up in Germany.

Cubs catcher Miguel Montero says his .500 team “needs to wake up.” Doesn’t he know it is natural for cubs to hibernate well into the spring months?

The Indianapolis Colts are set to retire Peyton Manning’s #18 in October. Apparently they don’t remember the last time they tried to retire him which came back to haunt them the next four years.

Tony Romo says he expects to “stink” at first as a broadcaster. Which shows he is ready to pick up his new career in the same place he left his old one. It’s just too bad CBS didn’t have access to any people they could have hired who might have already had some experience in front of the camera.

Pitcher Matt Harvey has apologized to his teammates and fans for skipping a game earlier in the week. Although with a 2-2 record and 5.14 ERA, a lot of them suggested maybe he might start doing it a little more often.

Pitcher Matt Harvey has apologized to his teammates and fans for skipping a game earlier in the week. How bad is your behavior that you have to apologize to the team that dealt with Darryl Strawberry all those years?

A new app acts as a debit card for kids. Which is good for parents who want their children to get an earlier start than they did at learning how to get hopelessly in debt.

A study says human-made noises are disrupting the serenity at national parks. Mostly because who can be expected to survive in the wild without Wi-Fi so they can listen to Internet radio stations and binge watch Netflix in their tent?

Fired FBI Director James Comey says he thought his firing was a prank. Kind of like how he pranked Hillary Clinton by telling Congress he was reopening her investigation right before the election.

Melania Trump says she will fight cyberbullying as First Lady. She is planning to start at the most obvious place, by trying to shut down her husband’s Twitter account.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This James Comey thing is going to be big. Even Nixon supporters are saying about Donald Trump “Oh no he didn’t!” At least for Trump it is good because it is taking all the attention away from health care, North Korea, his tax plan, immigration, the wall. You know, all those other things he has messed up. I am sure there will be plenty of material for me so that is a good thing. I hope you keep on checking in every day to the blog to see what is next. Of course, I also hope you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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