Tuesday, May 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

North Korea is warning they could perform a nuclear test “at any time.” They aren’t being more specific because when it happens it will probably be by accident.

President Obama is being criticized for taking $400,000 for a 90 minute speech. Making $260,000 an hour after leaving the White House? Who does he think he is, some kind of CEO?

The world’s oldest man, who claimed to be 146 years old has died in Indonesia. The sad part is he just made it long enough to pay off his kids’ college tuition loans.

The world’s oldest man, who claimed to be 146 years old has died in Indonesia. To which Larry King says “It’s been done.”

A woman was injured in a shark attack on a southern California beach. What’s worse is she can’t find a lawyer who will take any legal action concerning shark bites on account of “professional courtesy.”

An Aeroflot flight from Russia to Thailand hit turbulence so severe passengers suffered broken bones. The only time aviation experts have seen injuries that serious was on members of the frequent fliers club on United.

A U.S. woman is suing Qatar Airlines for $850,000 after a flight attendant spilled hot coffee on her. The only other time anyone has been burned that badly by an airline is after trying to get a refund for a bad flight from United.

A U.S. woman is suing Qatar Airways for $850,000 after a flight attendant spilled hot coffee on her. The worst part is that the coffee was supposed to be sent up to the cockpit to help sober up the pilot.

Conversations between Andy Warhol and Truman Capote are going to be turned into a Broadway play. Meanwhile, conversations between Sylvester Stallone and Bob Dylan will be turned over to the CIA for practice in breaking undecipherable codes.

A report says robot brain surgeons can do procedures 50 times faster than humans. Even more impressive is they can help arrange the funerals as early as the next day.

Documents say Facebook is using research to target emotionally vulnerable and insecure teenagers. The way they determine they are emotionally vulnerable and insecure is from the fact they are teenagers.

Documents say Facebook is using research to target emotionally vulnerable and insecure teenagers. Which is different from how emotionally vulnerable and insecure teenagers used to only be targeted by going on Myspace.

Members of Parliament in the UK say social media has failed to tackle terrorism, violence and hatred online. But at least they have it pretty much contained down to Donald Trump’s account on Twitter.

A magazine is proposing that Facebook be treated like a public utility. The only difference is that people would be good with it going down every once in awhile.

Austria is seeking to tax Google searches. Which is ironic as the least searched subject on Google is “Fun things to do in Austria.”

Democrats say they now know why Hillary Clinton lost the election. Because she ended up finishing behind the second least electable candidate in the country.

United Airlines is being accused of cremating the bunny that died on a flight. What’s worse is that apparently it happened because that was the method they decided to use to revive it after it froze to death.

United Airlines is being accused of cremating the bunny that died on a flight. To which the CEO is saying they wouldn’t have had all this trouble if they had also done that to the passenger they dragged off the plane.

United Airlines is being accused of cremating the bunny that died on a flight. Apparently they mixed up the procedures to revive a frozen rabbit with the recipe for hasenpfeffer.

A report says colleges under pressure to contain tuition costs are looking for other sources of revenue. Which for most universities comes down to three words: Fraternity keg parties.

Free parking at the National Mall will soon come to an end. Apparently that is the only way Congress could figure out how to come up with some extra money to balance the budget without raising taxes.

A girl was kicked out of a chess tournament in Malaysia because she wore a knee-length dress that was considered “seductive.” Apparently no one had a defense to counter her brilliant Haute Couture opening.

A girl was kicked out of a chess tournament in Malaysia because she wore a knee-length dress that was considered “seductive.” Although some think it was a plan to keep women out of the game and that she was just a pawn.

A girl was kicked out of a chess tournament in Malaysia because she wore a knee-length dress that was considered “seductive.” Are they serious? If she really wanted to arouse a room full of chess playing geeks, she would have come in carrying a fully operational lightsabre.

Donald Trump gave an interview where he wondered why the Civil War couldn’t be worked out. Although the way things are going he could be looking for the answer himself.

An American Airlines plane had to make an emergency landing in Illinois. Apparently the flight attendant just wasn’t able to hit a passenger with a stroller on a moving aircraft.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte was invited to the White House by Donald Trump but says he may be “too busy.” In other words, this just isn’t a good time for his country to get into a war with the U.S.

Donald Trump ended a CBS interview after being asked about his claim of being wiretapped by President Obama. Mostly because everyone knows if you want to get Trump to say something improper, all you need to do is put him on a podium.

Donald Trump says his IRS audit could end soon, after which he could release his tax returns. It should also be pointed out that winter is just a few months away so there is an equal chance that before he releases those returns, Hell could freeze over.

 Donald Trump says his IRS audit could end soon, after which he could release his tax returns. He will also start embracing the media, vacation with Nancy Pelosi and give Kim Jong-un the Medal of Freedom.

Donald Trump is ending Michelle Obama’s “Let girls learn” program. Apparently Trump is worried the girls will be taught how to deal with men like him.

Donald Trump says he will consider raising the gasoline tax. Which means forget his tax returns, we already know now that he has investments in the petroleum industry.

A report says Hollywood writers could soon go on strike. The action would kill production on any scripted shows. Which is good news in that it would have absolutely no effect on new episodes of “Two Broke Girls.”

A report says half of Millennials could eventually be competing for jobs against robots. Which means they will all pretty much be out of luck once those robots can be programmed to flip a burger and pour the salt on the French fries.

A report says half of Millennials could eventually be competing for jobs against robots. What’s even worse is that they will also be knocked out of the dating market once those robots can also be programmed for sex.

A study says automation jobs will put 10,000 humans to work. Mostly building the robots that will put 10 Million other humans in the unemployment line.

Uber suspended a driver in Australia after allegedly making a bomb threat. So just what does it take in that company for someone to actually get fired?

Uber suspended a driver in Australia after allegedly making a bomb threat. Apparently the action just called for suspension because the driver’s behavior was still not as unstable as company CEO Travis Kalanick.

Uber suspended a driver in Australia after allegedly making a bomb threat. It turns out he wasn’t kidding, he was driving a Prius fitted with Takata airbags.

A study says people who eat more salt are no worse off than those who eat less. Apparently people who have high blood pressure get that condition from their doctor telling them that eating salt will kill them.

A report says Donald Trump is open to meeting with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. Apparently he wants the chance to be face to face with him while he says “Hasta la vista, baby!”

A California woman gave natural birth to a 13 pound baby. She practiced for the event by passing a bowling ball through her left nostril.

A California woman gave natural birth to a 13 pound baby. The infant was so big they didn’t use an obstetrician for the birth, they had to call in the veterinarian who delivered that baby giraffe.

A survey says school bullying has dropped 2% a year for the past decade. Which means one good effect of serving healthy school meals is that bullies no longer like the food enough to steal all the geeks’ lunch money.

A survey says many U.S. kids go days without eating fruits and vegetables. Even worse, the kids who do eat fruits and vegetables only do so because they count French fries and strawberry ice cream.

The Trump Administration is planning to roll back nutrition standards for school meals. Which means pretty soon they will be back to rolling the students in and out of the cafeteria.

Fox News co-president Bill Shine has been let go. Which is just like at the White House with the recent falling out with co-president Steve Bannon.

Fox News co-president Bill Shine has been let go. He was cut after covering up several incidents of wrongdoing at the network. Which means he is now officially qualified to become an adviser in the Trump White House.

Ryan Seacrest has been named as the new permanent co-host on “Live” with Kelly Ripa. Show producers pulled a mean stunt when they said he would start out sharing his duties along with Brian Dunkleman.

Ryan Seacrest has been named as the new permanent co-host on “Live” with Kelly Ripa. Apparently they were impressed with his patience while sitting through bad singing performances, interpreting what Dick Clark was saying and not shooting Simon Cowell.

Eric Dane is taking time off the TNT show “Last Ship” while he battles depression. Apparently his depression was caused by not being able to get an acting gig on any other network than TNT.

Golden State Warriors players say they are disappointed that their next opponent is the Jazz because “there is no nightlife in Utah.” Well, for one thing maybe they could try getting involved in the games since that is when they are scheduled.

Police in Philadelphia say there were no arrests during the NFL Draft Day there. Mostly because Johnny Manziel is no longer eligible to be picked.

A Cincinnati TV station says fans should boycott the Bengals after they picked Joe Mixon who is accused of punching a woman. Although it sounds like that would be redundant for a team that is already 29th in the NFL in attendance.

Philadelphia says it wants to host the 2026 Super Bowl. The only concession the city is asking for is to make sure they are given enough tickets so that the entire Eagles team can sit in the stands and say they have been to a Super Bowl.

Donald Trump plans to launch a technology council to modernize the government IT. Wouldn’t you know he is finally getting around to fixing the Obamacare website right before he completely shuts it down.

Bridj, an on demand bus service backed by Ford is shutting down. Apparently people were not thrilled with an idea that combines all the comfort of Greyhound along with the drivers’ attitudes of Uber.

Bridj, an on demand bus service backed by Ford is shutting down. Which is bad news for Ford owners who finally got the company to give them an option to get around when their car inevitably breaks down.

Researchers say mood-recognizing wearables may be available in the future. As opposed to now when the only way to predict the mood of a partner is when you find out they discovered your Facebook password.

Oliver Stone’s new movie is four hours’ worth of conversation between him and Vladimir Putin. Which means he is now qualified to be offered a job on the Donald Trump reelection team.

Apple reportedly has $250 Billion in cash reserves. Mostly because the company doesn’t buy Apple products for any of its employees.

A report says cybercriminals hacked more than a billion accounts last year. However, the joke is on them because most of them were the empty ones that workers created for the customers at Wells Fargo.

Donald Trump’s reelection campaign has spent $274,000 on rooms at Trump Tower. The big news out of that is that after how the first 100 days of his presidency has gone, Trump thinks he will even be around long enough to think about running again.

Army Secretary Mark Green reportedly doesn’t believe in evolution. The good part about that is that he won’t expect soldiers to fight with rocks, spears or catapults.

The Defense Department says athletes going to military academies must serve in the military before signing a pro contract. Which is different than most other colleges who have athletes who must complete rehab or a jail sentence before going pro.

Ivanka Trump described the transition to becoming a White House employee as “a little difficult.” Which after the first 100 days in office is also exactly what her dad is saying.

Sean Hannity says co-president Bill Shine’s leaving is the “end of Fox News as we know it.” Which for most people is as a right wing, Republican operative political organization run by a bunch of lecherous old white men.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A pretty busy day for me. I was able to get in a work out, write these jokes and now have to get into work early as it is one of the dreaded ratings months. That is when we have to try to give people a reason to watch the news which if we did our job right they would be watching all the time anyway. Although we must be doing a pretty good job if we have people who are willing to sit through my weather forecasts every day. There is no explaining some things. Like why all of you sit through these jokes every day. But I am glad you do. And there is nothing that makes me feel better like when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

Jatinder Singh said...

jokes are the best therepy of human brain it will refresh human mind and give him the power to fight with negativeness... So its like a medicine which give a relief to human...
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