Sunday, April 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Estate of Andy Warhol is being sued over a painting of Prince that is claimed to be copied from a photograph. If the photographer wins the case, look for a follow-up lawsuit to be filed against Warhol by Campbell’s Soup.

The Labor Department says Google pays women employees less than men. Fortunately it wasn’t all that widespread as it only affected the three women who are actually on the Google payroll.

The Labor Department says Google pays women employees less than men. The worst part is that the pay discrepancy was discovered through a search on Google.

Google will start displaying fact-checking labels to show if news is true or false. Which will be pretty much based on whether they are for or against Donald Trump.

The Seattle Mariners ballpark is offering tacos topped with ground insects. Although they are already facing legal issues that the recipe was stolen from Taco Bell.

A study says going gray early could be linked to an increased risk for heart attacks. Which caused CNN to immediately install a defibrillator at the desk of Anderson Cooper.

A study says going gray early could be linked to an increased risk for heart attacks. Especially for people whose hair turned gray from all the stress and anxiety caused when their kids became teenagers.

A study says going gray early could be linked to an increased risk for heart attacks. Which means the keys to heart health are a good diet, exercise and Grecian Formula 16.

A UFC fight scheduled in New York is in limbo because of a law prohibiting breast implants in the ring. It was the most controversy involving a fight and implants since Holy Holm implanted her foot into the face of Ronda Rousey.

A UFC fight scheduled in New York is in limbo because of a law prohibiting breast implants in the ring. Although it is still OK to be beaten up by someone with a Maori face tattoo who bites off a piece of your ear.

California Governor Jerry Brown has declared an end to the state’s drought emergency. The long-term dry spell was confirmed to be over when the Raiders official announced they are moving to Nevada.

California Governor Jerry Brown has declared an end to the state’s drought emergency. Not to say it has been a prolonged dry spell, but people under 18 seeing a full reservoir for the first time are saying “So that’s what those walls are for.”

A Nevada teenager has taken a challenge from Wendy’s for a year of free chicken nuggets with 18 Million retweets. If that same offer is made to Donald Trump, it means a Twitter announcement of another air strike by lunchtime.

The head of the IRS says 100,000 taxpayers’ personal data may have been compromised through an online data breach. The good news is there are still 100,000 Americans who make enough money to file a tax return.

A new museum in Sweden is dedicated to celebrating failures. We have the same thing in the U.S. It’s called Capitol Hill.

A new museum in Sweden is dedicated to celebrating failures. The sad part is that the museum gift shop is the official souvenir stand of the L.A. Lakers.

Ford has designed a baby crib that simulates a car ride. Which means that like all other Fords it sputters, smokes and waits for the tow truck to arrive.

Ford has designed a baby crib that simulates a car ride. Which if they are like other Fords, there will be a lot of nights spent sleeping in a loaner cradle because of the latest recall.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was reportedly paid only $56,000 last year while the company’s Chief Financial Officer made $23 Million. Apparently there was a mistake where Dorsey’s employment form listed him as a woman.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was reportedly paid only $56,000 last year while the company’s Chief Financial Officer made $23 Million. Which shows that being the boss is nice, but controlling the company purse strings is even better.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was reportedly paid only $56,000 last year while the company’s Chief Financial Officer made $23 Million. Apparently the reduction in pay comes from being the one taking the blame for giving the U.S. President Trump.

Disney is reportedly seeking a patent for a “humanoid robot” that can play a character. Apparently that means they didn’t have any projects that were acceptable to Keanu Reeves.

An economist with Fannie Mae says Millennials are finally getting into the housing market. Apparently they finally want to see what life is like living in a level of a house that is above ground.

An economist with Fannie Mae says Millennials are finally getting into the housing market. They want to live the American dream just like their parents and have the full experience of going through foreclosure.

Delta bought pizza for stranded passengers on 300 canceled flights last week. If that is a coming trend, look soon for the news of a merger between United and Domino’s.

McDonald’s will roll out a mobile ordering system that will track the habits of customers. Is that really necessary? It’s pretty obvious their customers’ habits are watching TV, sitting on the couch and eating junk food for every meal.

A Utah school district will pay $100,000 to a girl who was injured while wearing goggles that simulate drunkenness. Which was a mistake to do in the one state where all the kids don’t already go through it pretty much every Saturday night.

A Utah school district will pay $100,000 to a girl who was injured while wearing goggles that simulate drunkenness. Although she did like the fact that when wearing them, all the boys found her to be a lot better looking.

A study says almost 1 Billion people worldwide smoke every day. That puts them at risk for health problems including lung cancer, heart disease and facing the wrath of the other 6 Billion militant anti-smokers.

A study says almost 1 Billion people worldwide smoke every day. The number could be as high as 2 Billion but the survey forms still haven’t arrived from the people who live in areas where pot is now legal.

A study says taking multivitamins may not improve heart health in men. Especially when they get lost in the digestive tract along with three Big Macs, 2 large orders of fries and a six pack of beer.

A study says people who stay up late and sleep late have a higher risk of depression. Mostly because their only choice of TV programming during the times they are awake are infomercials, daytime soap operas and reality TV.

The FDA has approved a home test for Alzheimer’s Disease. The test calls for the person to walk around the block and see if they walk back into the wrong house no more than three times.

The FDA has approved a home test for Alzheimer’s Disease. The first question on the test is “So where did you leave your car keys this time?”

The FDA has approved a home test for Alzheimer’s Disease. They pass if they can remember where they put it after they are done answering all the questions.

New Mexico has outlawed school lunch “shaming” when kids can’t pay for their lunch. That’s a lot different from the old days when kids who couldn’t afford to buy food just found a nerd they could take their lunch money from every day.

KFC says it will stop using chickens that were raised on human antibiotics. Which is yet another setback for the Republicans’ attempt at putting together a new health care bill.

A study says the richest Americans live ten years longer than the poorest. Which is angering the upper class who feel all those millions should make them better than everyone else by more than just a lousy decade.

The Film Academy has ruled that documentaries like “O.J.: Made in America” are ineligible for Oscars. Mostly because O. J. Simpson was responsible for more body parts than film ending up on the cutting room floor.

Kendall Jenner is reportedly upset about her ad for Pepsi being pulled. Apparently people were upset about the image of Jenner using Pepsi to calm tensions between police and protesters instead of just telling everyone they need to drink sugar water.

MTV is dumping gender specific categories for their TV and movie awards. Although when it comes to winning an MTV award, the question is what are they specifically given out for in the first place?

Oklahoma City Thunder guard Russell Westbrand has clinched averaging a triple double of points, rebounds and assists for the entire NBA season. As opposed to the Kobe Bryant version of the triple double of points, shots and make-up jewelry.

The Brewers won a game against the Cubs with a walk-off wild pitch. To which Cubs fans are saying it looks like it’s going to be another long 108 years.

A boy got his wish of a backyard reproduction of Fenway Park. He first wanted a copy of the Oakland Coliseum, but it would have caused too many problems making it completely realistic by breaking a sewer line.

Amazon says it will create 30,000 part time jobs this year, although there are 5.6 Million Americans looking for full time work. Which would ironically give those people enough money so they wouldn’t have to do all their shopping on Amazon.

A majority of Millennials rates Instagram as the most narcissistic social network. Which means anyone looking for a can’t miss opportunity for an investment should put everything they own on that one right now.

 A majority of Millennials rates Instagram as the most narcissistic social network. Although it won’t really pass the egomania test until there is an official account opened by Donald Trump.

Bernie Sanders has launched his own self-titled podcast. Although the technology may be a bit beyond the 74 year old Senator as so far it is just a half hour of Sanders saying “Is this thing on? How do you start this?”

New York is offering free tuition for public colleges and universities. Which means students will still have the chance to be like everyone else and go in debt $100,000 in four years from the cost of New York rent, utilities and transportation.

NBC’s Brian Williams said of video of the missile strike against Syria “I am guided by the beauty of our weapons.” Apparently it reminded him of the time he dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima.

NBC’s Brian Williams said of video of the missile strike against Syria “I am guided by the beauty of our weapons.” It was almost as beautiful as the time he used an AK-47 to take down Osama bin Laden.

NBC’s Brian Williams said of video of the missile strike against Syria “I am guided by the beauty of our weapons.” Just think how beautiful it would have been if someone combined the weapons with art and crashed the missiles into the Louvre?

Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner reportedly had a meeting to settle their differences. Bannon is reportedly so upset at Kushner’s power from being Donald Trump’s Son-in-law he is now asking “So, is Tiffany still single?”

Tony Romo will be honored in Dallas as “Maverick For A Day.” Which is just slightly better than being honored as an Explorer, Escort or Pinto for a day.

Sergio Garcia won the Masters in a playoff over Justin Rose. The only bad thing is that the win will keep white pants on the PGA Tour in style.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! By the time you read this, the Masters golf tournament will have been decided. It is shaping up to be a great one with the final round showing several great golfers at the top of the leaderboard. With Tiger Woods out of the lineup this year, the field once again is looking like a Trump Administration Cabinet meeting. The first tee looks like a weekend at Mar-A-Lago. The bunkers are once again not the whitest thing on the course. Oh, well. It is nice to have the golf season in full gear. Keeping Phil Mickelson busy on the golf course where he belongs keeps him away from trying to figure out how to get away with his latest insider trading deal. Yes, baseball, golf and tennis are back and things are good. Now all it takes to make my day is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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