Friday, April 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Comedian Don Rickles has died at age 90. He took the art of insult comedy to a new level that wasn’t exceeded until Donald Trump discovered Twitter.

Comedian Don Rickles has died at age 90. The NHL will honor him by stopping all games for two minutes to give proper respect to each and every hockey puck.

The Pentagon is planning a major missile intercept test in May. The only hope is with Donald Trump’s foreign policy they don’t have to do it for real in April.

A report says professional clowns are upset about the remake of Stephen King’s “It.” Mostly because clowns are still trying to get over being associated with everything that has taken place since the November election.

A study says people talking to dogs is a sign of intelligence. Mostly for the dogs.

A study says people talking to dogs is a sign of intelligence. Especially when they can engage the dog in conversation that doesn’t revolve around “ride,” “cookie” or “squirrel.”

Dog attacks on mailmen have jumped because of the increase in sales over the Internet. Which is what happens when the neighborhood pit bulls get a whiff of all the Amazon boxes full of online orders of Milk Bone.

A survey says 1 in 4 people have had sex fantasies with their AI assistant. Which explains that chemistry that was pretty apparent on “Jeopardy!” between Alex Trebek and Watson.

A survey says 1 in 4 people have had sex fantasies with their AI assistant. Some carry it even further when they put their phone in their pocket and tell Siri to set the ring to “vibrate.”

A survey says 1 in 4 people have had sex fantasies with their AI assistant. The other three only use Siri for sex when they have her look up their favorite porn sites.

Russia’s Supreme Court is considering banning Jehovah’s Witnesses. That’s what happens when you ring Vladimir Putin’s doorbell at 7:00 on a Saturday morning.

A mock explosive device was found on a United Airlines jet flying to Chicago. The ironic part is that all the passengers’ luggage ended up being sent to the Middle East.

Scientists say they found an atmosphere around an Earth-like planet for the first time. Observations say it could be a mixture of gases like water and methane, which means it is almost identical to the air quality of rush hour in Beijing.

The Kentucky Coal Mining Museum has switched over to being operated by solar power. Which is ironic that with the Trump Administration’s destruction of the EPA, coal burning will leave enough sunlight to power a 40 Watt desk lamp.

The Kentucky Coal Mining Museum has switched over to being operated by solar power. The real irony is that it will be used to bring enough electricity to light up the exhibit showing X-Rays of all the miners who have come down with black lung.

Sweden is the home to a new Museum of Failure. Which people in U.S. say we have had for decades. It’s called the Chrysler factory.

An investigation by a high school newspaper in Kansas led to the resignation of the newly hired principal. Their first clue something was wrong was when they found the application letter said they were seeking the job of “principle.”

Amtrak says the tracks that caused the derailment in New York City’s Penn Station were identified as a potential problem. Mostly because they carried the trains run by Amtrak.

The TSA is apologizing for a computer error that listed medicinal marijuana as being allowed on airplanes. Which didn’t cause any problems as it was still pointed out that no more than three ounces of water was permitted in any bongs.

Dustin Johnson withdrew from the Masters because of a back injury. He said he could only swing at about 70% normal power. Apparently he thought it would be too tough to get around Augusta with drives that were only carrying 320 yards.

YouTube is now requiring channels have 10,000 views before being able to advertise. Which is good news for the producers of the most popular videos. It costs money to feed all those cats playing a piano.

YouTube is now requiring channels have 10,000 views before being able to advertise. That’s good news for advertisers who want their money’s worth when they plunk down cash to sponsor a guy in his underwear playing video games.

Arianna Huffington offered advice in a panel discussion to women struggling with their work and life balance. All they need to do is be like her and marry a multi-millionaire and then divorce him and cash out when he turns gay.

The owner of margarines Country Crock and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter are putting the products up for sale because people are buying more real butter. Which is making the only thing softer than their sales is the average American waistline.

The owner of margarines Country Crock and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter are putting the products up for sale because of poor sales. Using Fabio as a spokesman shows you can’t sell margarine when people think they are buying cheese.

Cigna reports it has seen a 12% drop in opioid use by its U.S. customers. Which they take credit for as the good part of them dropping all their policy holders’ prescription coverage.

Twitter co-founder Ev Williams says he is selling 30% of his stock for “personal” reasons. Mostly because he doesn’t want to see his personal fortune disappear when the company finally goes belly up.

Twitter co-founder Ev Williams says he is selling 30% of his stock for “personal” reasons. Mostly because he knows no tweets will be anywhere near as entertaining to read the minute Donald Trump starts messaging on another social media site.

Comcast has announced it will start offering wireless cellular phone service. Which means phone calls will be able to be made between 8:00am and 5:00pm Monday through Friday with at least a four day advanced notice.

Amazon says it will add 30,000 part time jobs in the next year. Which means the company will have more than 300,000 minimum wage workers compared to the one full time employee Jeff Bezos with a slightly higher net worth of $80 Billion.

Twitter is launching a leaner service aimed at India. The only problem is that most people in India will be taking up more than 140 characters just to type in their full name.

A report says 25% of U.S. workers have less than $1,000 set aside for their retirement. Mostly because of the 37 cents they have left over from their paycheck after paying their mortgage, car payment and college loan bills.

A report says 25% of U.S. workers have less than $1,000 set aside for their retirement. Which means they had better start saving soon because the retirement age of 93 will get here before they know it.

Ford says it will start building electric cars in China as part of the country’s attempts at green energy. Which is ironic in that they will lose the smog from car exhaust only to replace it with smoke from the coal plants generating the electricity.

A study says Baby Boomers are more likely to pass a driving test than Millennials. Mostly because the Millennials say when they are behind the wheel is the only real time they have to catch up on all their texting.

A study says Baby Boomers are more likely to pass a driving test than Millennials. Mostly because most Millennials know nothing more about taking a car to get somewhere than using their Uber app.

A report says 50 advertisers have pulled their business from Bill O’Reilly’s show in the wake of his sexual harassment scandal. No one even knew there were 50 products that were marketed towards old, angry white male customers.

600,000 Albuterol inhalers have been recalled. Mostly because they did nothing to help the people who couldn’t breathe after getting their inhaler prescription bill.

A 73 year old Connecticut woman says her Fitbit detected a life threatening heart issue. Which was pretty much the fact that she was 73 years old.

The FDA has approved the first ever home DNA disease detecting kit. Which pretty much determines just by looking at the junk food inside their refrigerator and cabinets they are at risk for high blood pressure, diabetes and heart disease.

The FDA has approved the first ever home DNA disease detecting kit. Like the diagnosis of depression that a young boy will experience when he finds out he will grow up short and bald.

Doctors in the UK are baffled by a condition that causes a teenager to sleep 18 hours a day. Which Americans know as the medical condition of being a teenager.

A study says drought conditions may pose a health risk to seniors. Or pretty much anyone else who finds it helpful to have some water to survive.

A study says drought conditions may pose a health risk to seniors. The good news is that at least it takes away the possibility of death by drowning.

Melanie “Mel B” Brown from the Spice Girls says her millions of dollars are being hidden and controlled by her ex-husband. People were shocked. How did the Spice Girls ever come into millions of dollars?

Iggy Azalea says she lost 15 pounds twerking. Which may explain why in the past six months Miley Cyrus has completely disappeared from sight.

Iggy Azalea says she lost 15 pounds twerking. Along with also about 25 IQ points.

A Brazilian soccer team is using its players numbers as a way to advertise supermarket prices. Especially the player whose number is the same as the price of candles and offers deals on Brazilian wax.

Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina was momentarily confused when a baseball got stuck in his chest protector. That was the first time a ball stuck to a player since Joe Niekro was still pitching.

The U.S. officially attacked Syria, bombing an airbase with missiles. People were surprised at the move. The first question they had about the attack on the 76th day of the Trump Administration was what took him so long?

Twitter has refused a U.S. government order to unmask the user behind an anti-Trump account. What would be really funny is if the person they were refusing to unmask is Susan Rice.

Analysts say they expect prices for PCs and mobile devices to rise this year. What shocking news could be next? Price increases for rent, utilities and insurance?

Analysts say they expect prices for PCs and mobile devices to rise this year. To which Apple is saying “Hey, we thought of it first!”

 Analysts say they expect prices for PCs and mobile devices to rise this year. Which would be bigger news if that weren’t exactly the same thing that has happened every year since 1992.

U.S. officials have confirmed that Russia was notified before the U.S. strike against Syria. The missiles were then launched just as soon as Donald Trump received permission from Vladimir Putin.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from the world of entertainment as seen earlier here in the death of legendary comedian Don Rickles. I don’t know if I have ever seen a comedian break up a house like Rickles. I was watching a TV special of his many years ago where I swear he told one joke and then spent the rest of the time going after the audience. It was amazing. One of the funniest people on the planet who threw out insults at everyone yet they all loved him for it. Donald Trump, take notes. Speaking of that, I may be no Rickles but I hope that you will still once again make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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