Thursday, April 06, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Barry Manilow has come out and admitted he is gay. People were shocked. How was it that he was the last one to know?

Scientists have created an Artificial Intelligence brain that learns like the human mind. Which means it has to be taught for 12 years to learn even simple math and then goes away for four more years of training that costs $100,000.

Steve Bannon has been removed from the National Security Council. Apparently it was discovered he didn’t have the necessary qualifications for such an important position. He isn’t a blood relative of Donald Trump.

Researchers are working on robots that can monitor and care for the elderly. So far they have come up with robots that can at least take the place of their children and call once a month and visit when they aren’t too busy.

The University of Utah has become the first major sports school to give scholarships for competitive video gamers. That will be the team with an equipment manager who takes care of all the pajamas, gaming controls and couches.

A report says the University of Utah has become the first major sports school to give scholarships for competitive video gamers. People were surprised. Since when is the University of Utah considered a major sports school?

A study says that songs are becoming shorter because of people’s shortened attention spans. Which most people say they will have it just about right when all of Justin Bieber’s songs are clipped down to no more than 30 seconds.

A study says that songs are becoming shorter because of people’s shortened attention spans. It’s getting so bad that even classic rock stations are only playing the 15 minute version of “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

A study says great apes can tell when people have made a wrong decision. Like when they have gotten too close to a great ape.

An online dating site matches people by their credit scores. That is so people with a score around 300 know they will have a first date taking the bus to McDonald’s and then walking to the dollar theater.

An online dating site matches people by their credit scores. The reason is so that even people who can’t get a loan won’t end up alone.

An online dating site matches people by their credit scores. The sad part is so far the only people signing up are the band members fro the Free Credit Report.com ads.

The Italian Supreme Court has ruled that cooking smelly food can be considered a crime. Which means using too much garlic could result in the chef being fried.

The Italian Supreme Court has ruled that cooking smelly food can be considered a crime. Which means the next time you are in Italy, forget any ideas about finding a restaurant serving Indian cuisine.

A report says Americans are less inclined to give up their digital privacy for security. Mostly because they like the security of not losing half of everything they own when their wives find out what they are doing online.

A Pittsburgh woman is being accused of bilking elderly people with a Jamaican lottery scam. Lottery officials are asking what does she think the lottery is there for?

A Pittsburgh woman is being accused of bilking elderly people with a Jamaican lottery scam. Apparently there is just too much competition in the more lucrative field of posing as a Nigerian prince.

Taser has changed the name of its company to Axon. Which just doesn’t have the same ring when someone says “Don’t Axon me, bro!”

New York lawmakers have approved testing for self-driving cars. The real challenge is developing the technology that allows a car without someone behind the wheel to still give other drivers the finger.

New York lawmakers have approved testing for self-driving cars. So far the cars have passed the test of simulating Manhattan rush hour by putting them in park for three hours.

A report says the IRS has seized millions of dollars in cash from people and businesses who obtained the money legally. To which most other Americans are saying “What’s cash?”

A report says the IRS has seized millions of dollars in cash from people and businesses who obtained the money legally. The IRS’ reasoning behind the move is “That’s what we do.”

A survey says teenagers have specific requirements for their dream jobs, with 20% wanting to be athletes, artists or entertainers. Which they study for in school by playing sports, doodling in class and taking part in lunchtime Karaoke.

A survey says teenagers have specific requirements for their dream jobs. The only problem is that most of their employers will have their own specific requirements, like hiring people who will work for minimum wage.

Boeing and JetBlue are investing in a startup that makes battery powered planes. Which is a good idea as long as the batteries aren’t manufactured by Samsung.

450 companies have bid on Donald Trump’s Mexican border wall. Government officials will now pare that number down based on the construction cost estimates, amount of time it will take and which one gives the biggest bribes and kickbacks.

450 companies have bid on Donald Trump’s Mexican border wall. Officials wish they were more specific in what they asked for as most contractors are asking if they want wrought iron, chain link or picket.

The U.S. is reviewing a Ford recall of cars that can overheat to the point where they catch fire. The only question is why does that even require a review?

The U.S. is reviewing a Ford recall of cars that can overheat to the point where they catch fire. Apparently the review is to make sure that the cause isn’t from Ford stealing any manufacturing techniques from Chrysler.

Pepsi has pulled a much-criticized ad featuring Kendall Jenner, saying they “missed the mark.” For one thing, people weren’t sure if it was really Kendall Jenner in the spot because they weren’t used to seeing her fully dressed.

Qatar has slashed its budget for the 2022 World Cup by at least 40%. The good news is that the time to watch a 0-0 tie will drop from 4 hours to just over two and a half.

A study says gunshot injuries cost the U.S. $6.6 Billion over the past eight years. Or as the rap music industry calls that, a write-off for research and development.

A study says gunshot injuries cost the U.S. $6.6 Billion over the past eight years. That means this country has too many guns, not enough law enforcement and some pretty bad shooters.

A study review says seniors lose the ability to get a good night’s sleep. Mostly from tossing and turning counting the years until they turn 93 and can finally retire.

A study review says seniors lose the ability to get a good night’s sleep. Mostly from all the video game noise coming from the basement where their kids are still living.

A study says taking a walk during lunch time leaves people less tired after work. Unless the walk takes them from the office straight to the closest McDonald’s.

A report says bio-sensing contact lenses could one day help people with diabetes. The only problem is when their blood glucose goes up 300 points when the contact lenses let them see there is a Krispy Kremes donut shop just down the street.

Chuck Norris has been named an honorary Texan by the state legislature. Mostly for having the guts to try to defend himself with martial arts in a state where everyone is carrying a gun.

Chuck Norris has been named an honorary Texan by the state legislature. Or he could have gotten pretty much the same privileges that come with it by just moving there.

Taylor Swift is reportedly working on a new album. No one even knew she was dating again.

Amy Schumer says she “gets enough attention from men that she feels good.” Which means she hits the bars every night right around closing time.

Hugh Hefner’s son says his dad is “great” after skipping a recent party. The sad part is that the 90 year old Playboy founder now wears pajamas to parties so he can go nighty-night right after a round of pin the tail on the donkey.

Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainwright says he threw a pitch that missed home plate by 30 feet on purpose. Apparently it had something to do with the Cardinals hiring 50 Cent as their new pitching coach.

Running back Marshawn Lynch has told the Raiders he would like to come out of retirement and play for them. Well, that’s what they assume he meant when he met with them and said “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.”

Derek Jeter is reportedly interested in buying the Miami Marlins baseball team. Mostly because what else does a retired New Yorker do but head down to Florida?

Jeb Bush is among a group of investors interested in buying the Miami Marlins. Mostly because after his disastrous presidential campaign in 2016 he likes trying his brother’s method of getting into the White House by owning a sports franchise.

Dustin Johnson injured his back falling down a flight of stairs at his rented home in Augusta right before the Masters. Apparently he was simulating the Augusta greens by putting from the top step and trying to stop the ball before it reached the bottom.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he sees a “golden age” for entrepreneurs in space. Meaning he will next try to find a way to sell and deliver cheap crap to every planet in the solar system.

Researchers have debunked the myth that the Great Wall of China can be seen from space. Although Donald Trump is saying because it isn’t as excellent, terrific and the best of all time like the wall he is going to build along the Mexican border.

A new health care app is promising to be the Uber in its field. Meaning if users have a health emergency they will have to wait a half hour to be picked up and driven to the hospital in a Prius while the company CEO abuses the driver.

A new health care app is promising to be the Uber in its field. As opposed to House Republicans who are turning health care into the Enron of its field.

A new book says Millennials have a “Great Depression” mentality. Mostly because since 2007 they have all pretty much lived through a great depression.

A new book says Millennials have a “Great Depression” mentality. Mostly from looking for a job that pays more than minimum wage while trying to pay off $100,000 in college debt.

A new book says Millennials have a “Great Depression” mentality. They are already in debt, live in their parents’ basement and can’t find a good paying job. That mentality is more of just plain old depression.

A Secret Service agent working to protect Mike Pence has been arrested for consorting with a prostitute. What else could he do? It wasn’t like she was going to be taken out to dinner by Pence.

Mike Pence says “Americans have the right to know” about Susan Rice’s requests for Trump transition team members listed in intelligence reports to be unmasked. It is the biggest controversy over unmasking since KISS decided to take off their makeup.

A poll says 6 out of 10 Americans see a partisan bias in the news media. The other 4 just eliminate the possibility of someone trying to give them any of those one-sided opposing viewpoints by making sure to never watch anything but Fox News.

DHS head John Kelly says the wall along the Mexican border will not be built “from sea to shining sea.” Mostly because no one has called the Gulf of Mexico a shining sea since it turned petroleum brown following the BP oil spill.

DHS head John Kelly says the wall along the Mexican border will not be built “from sea to shining sea.” That’s because it will be more accurately described as stretching from migrant trash dump to discarded tire mountain to barren wasteland.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The question I have to ask you all is what is a day without my jokes. Many of you might say “a day.” But others would say they don’t understand the question. Both would be correct. I appreciate you reading the jokes every day and feel free to write me with comments as long as they are good at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I know you are out there and many of you think I am out there so we are even. And of course nothing is better for me than when all of you take the time to remember to always make sure to keep on sending the love!



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