Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

New guidelines at ESPN recognize the connection between sports and politics. Mostly since people have been cutting the cord with cable and ESPN has seen its ratings fall to nearly the same level as CNN.

New guidelines at ESPN recognize the connection between sports and politics. That can mean only one thing. The network is trying to negotiate yet another comeback by Keith Olbermann.

Scientists are developing contact lenses that can tell the user when they are sick. Like when the contact lens is covered with blood and it means the person has Ebola.

Scientists are developing contact lenses that can tell the user when they are sick. Mostly by finally improving their eyesight enough to where they can finally see that the thermometer is reading 105.7 degrees.

Scientists say that Tom Brady’s longevity in the NFL is due to a combination of factors like diet, sleep and strength training. And mostly from having an offensive line that keeps his brains from being beaten in every time he takes a snap.

A report says illegal immigration is down 67% under President Trump. Mostly because Mexicans are staying on their side of the border knowing it will be easy to get work when one of their country’s businesses gets the contract to build the wall.

A report says only 7 in 10 Air Force planes are ready to fly. Which sounds bad but at least is 5 better than the fleet at United Airlines.

Research says Millennials are waiting longer to live on their own, buy homes and get married. Mostly because before any of those things can happen they have to be able to make that first step of moving out of their parents’ basement.

A Maine woman who attacked her boyfriend with a claw hammer has been sent to prison for 15 months. Apparently he wouldn’t help out around the house and she finally decided to give him a demonstration of how useful household tools can be.

A Maine woman who attacked her boyfriend with a claw hammer has been sent to prison for 15 months. Apparently he wouldn’t help out around the house, and as most women would call what she did “Home improvement.”

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says “something is wrong” with the U.S. Which most people agree with, starting with the fact that all the Wall Street bankers completely got away with crashing the economy back in 2007.

Prince Charles gave Pope Francis I a basket of tea and chocolate, saying it was “difficult” to know what to offer the pontiff. That’s true. It’s not like you can just give something like a cellphone to the person who already has a hotline straight to God.

A spokesman for the Islamic State called President Trump an “idiot.” Apparently he just got off one of the flights that the Trump Administration singled out to ban all laptop computers onboard.

A New Jersey teenager has been accepted into all eight Ivy League schools. Her choice will be made on which one offers her a deal where she graduates with less than $200,00 in tuition debt.

This week was Equal Pay Day, which shows how long women would have to work beyond 2016 to make what men did in just that year. The worst part is that the men are still working to this day to make up for what they lost in the crash of 2007.

An apprentice matador is in serious condition after being gored in a Madrid bullring. Although he still came out in better shape than most the people who tried their hand at being an apprentice under Donald Trump.

A New York court ruled against a challenge by Facebook over search warrants looking for Social Security fraud. Facebook may appeal, ignore the decision or even worse defriend all the judges.

A Colorado man has died after choking during a donut-eating contest. The irony is that his name was “Duncan.”

A Colorado man has died after choking during a donut-eating contest. Apparently he didn’t follow his strategy of making it all the way to the donut hole where he knew there would be some air.

A Colorado man has died after choking during a donut-eating contest. The other contestants knew something was wrong when his eyes glazed over.

A Colorado man has died after choking during a contest where he was trying to eat a half-pound donut as fast as possible. Or as most Americans call that, “breakfast.”

Donald Trump says he is planning a “major haircut” for the Dodd-Frank bank regulations. Which most financial experts say with Trump that could mean anything from a simple trim to a comb over with a bad dye job.

Trump economic adviser Gary Cohen wants to make airline flights faster by using a more modern GPS tracking system. Just like Southwest Airlines wants to speed things up by installing keg refrigerators right inside the cockpit.

A report says half of American families are living paycheck to paycheck. The other half are asking “What’s a paycheck?”

Donald Trump says he will only fund shovel ready infrastructure jobs. Americans know “shovel ready” as what they need to be every time their representatives tell them how much they are accomplishing in Congress.

Mercedes-Benz, BMW and Hyundai have all reportedly pulled advertising from “The O’Reilly Factor” in the wake of sexual harassment claims. Which is no big deal since the really big advertisers on Fox are still Depends, Life Alert and Rascal scooters.

The IRS says it will start using private debt collectors in the middle of a wave of telephone scams. Which works out well because once the IRS gets through with their collections, there is nothing left for the scammers to get their hands on.

A survey shows teens rate YouTube, Google and Netflix as the coolest brands. Mostly because those are the three products they can use the entire day without moving their rear end off the couch.

A survey shows teens rate the Wall Street Journal as the least cool brand. Mostly because they know the Journal is that is what the grouchy old men on the street go out to pick up when they start yelling at all the kids to get off their lawn.

Obamacare is seeing a majority approval for the first time since it became law. Only Donald Trump has the ability to make something more popular by saying how much he hates it.

Researchers in the UK have developed a graphene sleeve that can filter salt out of seawater to provide millions with drinking water. The next goal is to make a filter so powerful it can make the water drinkable in Flint, Michigan.

Joe Harris, the illustrator who created the Trix “Silly Rabbit” has died at age 89. Which means he more than likely outlived all the kids who started out every day eating a bowl of the sugar saturated Trix cereal.

Joe Harris, the illustrator who created the Trix “Silly Rabbit” has died at age 89. The slogan was “Trix are for kids,” which is not to be confused with the Michael Jackson motto of “Kids are for tricks.”

Shia LaBeouf’s latest movie showed to one customer in a theater in the UK over the entire weekend. Or as Adam Sandler’s producers call that, a major blockbuster.

Kendall Jenner is featured in a new Pepsi ad with the theme “live for now.” Which is pretty much the first part of how people feel about the Jenners, the second being “be gone tomorrow.”

“Duck Dynasty” star Sadie Robertson has announced she is taking a break from social media. People were surprised. Someone is still paying attention to what is going on with the people from “Duck Dynasty”?

Phil Mickelson says the four shot penalty that cost Lexi Thompson a major championship should be overturned. He also says he should get a do-over on that final hole tee shot in the 2006 U.S. Open at Winged Foot.

Phil Mickelson says the four shot penalty that cost Lexi Thompson a major championship should be overturned. Which should be easy if Mickelson sets her up with the same attorneys who got his insider trading charges dropped.

Kentucky is already listed as the odds-on favorite for the 2018 NCAA basketball championships. You would think the bookmakers could have waited on that announcement until North Carolina at least had a chance to cut down the nets.

Kentucky is already listed as the odds-on favorite for the 2018 NCAA basketball championships. Right after that news came out, all of next year’s Kentucky freshmen announced they will declare their eligibility for the NBA draft.

Amazon says it will next start going after customers who don’t have a bank account. Especially the ones who don’t have an account because they wasted all their money buying the cheap crap sold on Amazon.

A town in Canada has decided to use Uber as their method of public transportation. Apparently the people there feel it fits right into that middle ground of not as crowded as riding the bus and still just a little safer than hitchhiking.

A study found that corpses in 11th century England were chopped to pieces, possibly over fears of revenant bodies rising from the grave. Which means anyone watching the latest episodes of “The Walking Dead” is about 900 years behind the original.

Egypt has discovered another ancient pyramid. Which is a bold statement coming from a country where anything considered modern is not any more than 5,000 years old.

An analysis says financial advisers have the worst wage gap between women and men. Which women can use to their advantage, especially when they show how well they know how to invest to be able to exist on half of what they should be making.

Carl Bernstein says Donald Trump’s war on the press reminds him of Watergate. Although more and more, compared to Trump it looks like Nixon was nothing more than a na├»ve amateur.

A report says Navy instructor pilots are set to go on strike over what they call unsafe flying conditions. It seems every time they go into a combat situation, there are pilots on the other side who keep shooting at them.

A report says Navy instructor pilots are set to go on strike over what they call unsafe flying conditions. Not only that, they haven’t had one class where there is an officer who comes even close to looking like Kelly McGillis.

Texas Republican congressman ted Poe says House Republicans will “have another bite at the apple” on health care reform. Mostly because their new plan is for health care to consist of people abiding by “an apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Ted Cruz says House Republicans can salvage the health care bill. Hopefully a lot better than he was able to salvage his presidential campaign.

Ted Cruz says House Republicans can salvage the health care bill. The emphasis here is on the word “salvage” since anyone supporting that bill will pretty much see their political careers end up in the wrecking yard.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I want to dedicate today’s column to the memory of my late wife Karen who passed away six years ago yesterday. Those of you who read this blog regularly know how important she was to me and my daughter Summer, and every year I ask for contributions to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in her memory. I will be starting that up again soon so I hope you will contribute, as that is the only thing I ever ask from all of you. Other than that you remember to always keep on sending the love and at least for today putting out a special thought for Karen and how she touched so many people with her brave fight against a terrible illness. She will always be a great inspiration to those who knew her and loved her!


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