Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Doris Day was celebrating what she thought was her 93rd birthday only to find out she is really 95. To which Larry King says “I hate when that happens.”

Doris Day was celebrating what she thought was her 93rd birthday only to find out she is really 95. To which she says that Botox stuff is so good it even fooled her.

Doris Day was celebrating what she thought was her 93rd birthday only to find out she is really 95. She then celebrated the event by walking around the block 27 times trying to remember where they put the grocery store.

Donald Trump has donated his first quarter salary as President to the National Parks Service. Which he will then get back in a refund next week when he finishes shutting them down.

Donald Trump has donated his first quarter salary as President to the National Parks Service. Mostly as a way to appease the people who visit Yosemite when they see construction crews building his latest hotel right next to Half Dome.

A Swedish company is implanting workers with microchips that act as ID and can be used to open doors. The only problem is when the employees leave the company and they have to turn in their right hand.

A new book says in the future, an industry will be created evolving humans to be more advanced physically and mentally. Although people are just hoping it means downloading the book into their brain so they don’t have to actually read it.

A new book says in the future, an industry will be created evolving humans to be more advanced physically and mentally. Millennials are excited about the prospect of driving for Uber into their 90s while never having to worry about getting lost.

A new book says in the future, an industry will be created evolving humans to be more advanced physically and mentally. In other words, they are going to make us like we were back in 1952.

A report says more states are looking to teach high school students about the Constitution. That isn’t the problem. How about first teaching it to the people running Congress and the White House?

A report says more states are looking to teach high school students about the Constitution. Mostly in the states where they insist their students to learn the reasons why all the adults want to secede.

A report says more states are looking to teach high school students about the Constitution. At least to have them know something other than their Miranda Rights.

The University of South Dakota has installed condom dispensers on campus because of a recent spike in STDs. It’s unusual since for years the biggest defense against STDs was the option of only dating other students at the University of South Dakota.

The University of South Dakota has installed condom dispensers on campus because of a recent spike in STDs. Which is what happens on a campus where the average temperature is below zero for three out of the four yearly semesters.

A Chinese man who was unable to find a partner married a robot he built himself. The robot can perform a few tasks and speak a few simple phrases, which means it’s just like being married to Paris Hilton.

A report says cable TV is powering a big increase in news consumption. Mostly by people watching several TV news channels just to hear anchors continuously debating whether anything Donald Trump said that day is factually correct.

A White House adviser is warning that North Korea’s Kim Jong-un could hit the U.S. with nuclear weapons by 2020. Which may not be an issue depending on whether we make it that far in the first place with Donald Trump as President.

A college student in Connecticut died from choking during a pancake eating contest. Although family members were consoled by the fact she wasn’t going to live a lot longer on a diet of pancakes for breakfast every day.

Depeche Mode says their new album will be about the state of the world today. The only question is whether anyone listening to Depeche Mode realizes that it is no longer 1986?

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has proposed the NFL drops its prohibition of pot. The only problem is that between forgetting what formation was called and where they were in the snap count, games might end after only three plays from scrimmage.

The wife of a Tennessee teacher accused of kidnapping a 15 year old student says she wants a divorce. Yeah, just offhand it seems that marriage might be a tough one to ever try to ever have a chance of patching up.

The wife of a Tennessee teacher accused of kidnapping a 15 year old student says she wants a divorce. Apparently he didn’t explain it very well when he said he thought they should consider taking in a troubled teenager.

A report says half of all Americans are responsible for only 3% of health care costs. Those are the ones who lost their work insurance and no longer have Obamacare who can no longer afford to ever pay for a visit to the doctor’s office again.

A report says half of all Americans are responsible for only 3% of health care costs. The other half are the ones you see standing in front of you right now at McDonald’s.

A report says the number of people owing $100,000 or more in student debt has quadrupled in the past ten years. Mostly for the students at UNLV who found out their loan money could also be accessed through casino ATMs.

A report says the number of people owing $100,000 or more in student debt has quadrupled in the past ten years. The sad part is that most of those college graduates have no idea how to compute a number quadrupling in a decade.

A report says the number of people owing $100,000 or more in student debt has quadrupled in the past ten years. Mostly because it is pretty much impossible to even pay off even the interest working at their post graduation minimum wage job.

A recall of the EpiPen allergy device says they may not work. The good news is that increasing the price by six times means the recall will be small since no one can afford to buy them anymore.

A recall of the EpiPen allergy device says they may not work. The good news is that no allergic reaction can be any worse to go through than the shock of seeing Mylan raise the price of the EpiPen to $600 a pop.

Ford is investing $1.2 Billion into three Michigan facilities which will create 130 jobs. The only bad part is that the jobs are for operators at a call center where they give out the latest recall information and take requests for towing.

An Illinois contractor is bidding to build the Trump wall with the idea of making it a tourism draw with activities like walking and biking. As opposed to now when the activities along the border are mostly confined to swimming and running.

Airlines are finding a way around the government ban of electronic devices on some flights by providing free laptops to passengers. Which the passengers will then be able to hook up to the airline Wi-Fi for the token fee of $300 an hour.

A report says student debt may prevent some Americans from ever buying a home. Mostly because all that debt resulted in getting a degree that qualifies them for several professions, all which still pretty much pay minimum wage.

A report says student debt may prevent some Americans from ever buying a home. Which means the American dream for most Millennials is living in their parents’ basement until the day they inherit the house.

A report says U.S. average consumer spending in March was $100 a day. Which isn’t bad until you consider their daily take home pay comes out to $58.

A report says U.S. average consumer spending in March was $100 a day. Which isn’t bad considering most people consider the expense for a car and rent the same thing.

Ford is recalling 52,000 trucks that can move while in park. Fortunately, Chrysler owners don’t ever have that problem as their cars won’t move even when in drive, low gear or reverse.

Dictionary.com has added 300 new words including “dabbing,” “man bun” and “sext.” Which are all pretty much words that are used by people who will never use Dictionary.com in their life.

A study says an afternoon nap can make people happier. Especially the people who stay awake and can get things done without grumpy people getting in their face because they need a nap.

A study says an afternoon nap can make people happier. Except the people on a plane coming in for a landing whose air traffic controller hasn’t contacted the pilot because they have been passed out at the Radar for the last three hours.

A study in Canada says inactivity can lead to weaker bones in teens. To which most teens who are sacked out on the couch are saying “So who needs bones?”

A study says babies in the UK, Italy and Canada cry more than in other countries. Especially every four years right around the time the World Cup starts up.

A report questions studies that link birth control to depression. The conclusion is that there is a lot more long-term depression diagnosed in people who forgot to use their birth control.

A New Jersey bill is calling for a $1,000 tax credit for organ donors. The only problem is convincing a transplant patient to accept an organ donation from someone from New Jersey.

A New Jersey bill is calling for a $1,000 tax credit for organ donors. Which means when the mob executes someone and drops the body off at a hospital instead of in the Hudson River, their defense is that they were giving tax advice.

A study says selfies can be used to diagnose a rare genetic disease. Meaning disorders other than conceit, egomania and narcissism.

A report says government mandated patient satisfaction surveys may be helping to fuel the opioid epidemic. Mostly because hospital staffs know they will get better ratings if the patients are completely stoned out of their minds when they leave.

A report says government mandated patient satisfaction surveys may be helping to fuel the opioid epidemic. Although most people are just happy to be leaving the hospital in the back of a car that doesn’t belong to the Medical Examiner.

Harrison Ford won’t be fined or lose his license over a botched landing where he almost collided with a commercial jet. Mostly because it turns out it was less of a disaster than when he accepted the role of a pilot in “Six Days, Seven Nights.”

Gary Austin, who founded the Groundlings improve troupe has died at age 75. Which means he will now be starting a new group called In-The-Ground-Lings.

Mercedes-Benz has pulled ads off “The O’Reilly Factor” in the wake of accusations about sexual harassment from several women about O’Reilly. They will be replaced by commercials from Bed Bath & Beyond about their upcoming sale of loofahs.

Tony La Russa compared baseball to NASCAR. The players and cars both wear numbers, are injected with alcohol and other chemicals and all try to keep running around in a clockwise motion without stopping.

Adidas has introduced pimento cheese-themed golf shoes just in time for the Masters. Although with all the holes dotted around Augusta National, you would think they would have instead considered basing them on Swiss cheese.

A Senate bill would pay doctors to meet with patients on Facetime. For one thing, most men using Facetime would make for shorter office visits because they are already undressed.

Verizon is planning to combine Yahoo and AOL into a new company called OATH. Which apparently stands for Obsolete Anachronistic Technology of History.

A report says Ford is leading the charge in the race to make a fully self-driving car. Although Chrysler claims it came up years ago with cars that don’t need drivers, especially when they are hooked up to the back of a tow truck.

Coca Cola has signed a multi-year deal to be the official soft drink of Major League baseball. Fans insist on having something loaded with sugar, especially when it comes to washing down a cheese dog, three pound pretzel and donut burger.

The White House says it will preserve all of Donald Trump’s tweets. Mostly just to record for history which one it was that actually started World War III.

Larry King says Donald Trump is among the “most ridiculous” presidents. Although of all the administrations he has lived through it could be a close call with Warren G. Harding, James Buchanan and Andrew Johnson.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The baseball season is underway and the Dodgers are already tied for first place! I just hope they can keep that momentum up for the second game. It just seems the winters are getting longer and the summers are shorter. In other words, I am getting old. As soon as I get done here, I need to yell at some neighborhood kids to get off my lawn. Either that or I will just turn on the sprinklers. Although I am not the oldest thing on this site. That would be some of my jokes. I can’t help it if I am into recycling. It’s for the environment. All I need from you in my old age now is for you to remember to always keep on sending the love!  



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