Sunday, April 30, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Alternate conservative cable news network is reportedly in talks with some considering Fox moving too far left. Apparently one of their hosts made the mistake of agreeing with something said on MSNBC.

Alternate conservative cable news network is reportedly in talks with some saying Fox is moving too far left. They feel women should be less concerned about sexual harassment and just go on the air wearing bikinis with assault weapons.

A survey says 1 in 10 travelers have had sex in an airport. Although that could just be a metaphor for anyone who has tried to get a refund through United Airlines.

A survey says 1 in 10 travelers have had sex in an airport. And those are just the ones who ended up in a bathroom stall next to Larry Craig.

Disney World is planning to use driverless shuttles to take people around the theme park. That will help park goers get to the next ride faster where they can get an earlier start on waiting in line four hours.

A report says health insurance is at the center of the dispute with the Writers Guild and Hollywood. The studios are saying leave it to the writers to come up with a piece of fiction that includes them getting comprehensive health care.

A report says health insurance is at the center of the dispute with the Writers Guild and Hollywood. The studios are worried about the cost. Not to say writers are out of shape, but their idea of a workout is walking across the room to get the last donut.

A report says the most common reason people leave $200,000 a year jobs in Silicon Valley is “unfairness and mistreatment.” Which isn’t hard to believe when you consider in Silicon Valley, $200,000 is the same anywhere else as minimum wage.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai says we need an “open and free” Internet. Apparently he hasn’t actually looked at his cable or DSL bill in the past ten years.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai says we need an “open and free” Internet. Most men agree, saying the 2 Billion available porn sites online is what they consider a good start.

Donald Trump says the first 100 days of his presidency were “the most successful in history.” Most people would disagree, just from the fact that after that time he is still in office.

Donald Trump says the first 100 days of his presidency were “the most successful in history.” Which is coming from the man who considers getting 46% of the vote a mandate.

Donald Trump says the first 100 days of his presidency were “the most successful in history.” Meaning he already almost declared war on three different countries.

The Fyre Festival in the Bahamas, a hyped opulent concert turned out to be a big bust with a $12,000 ticket winding up with accommodations in a tent with no running water. To which organizers are saying “It worked at Woodstock!”

Fyre Festival organizer Ja Rule says the concert “was not a scam.” Although the first sign something was wrong was charging $12,000 for a concert headlined by Ja Rule.

A North Korean missile launch ended with an explosion after takeoff. It was considered a success. Now all they have to do is get those missiles to hold off exploding until they actually reach their target.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says Donald Trump has math problems with the federal budget. Trump has a valid excuse. He got his math degree through Trump University.

Hasbro has passed Mattel in earnings for the first time in 17 years because of the game “Toilet Trouble.” The game has left the company flush with cash.

Hasbro has passed Mattel in earnings for the first time in 17 years because of the game “Toilet Trouble.” The new bathroom game has put the company right back on the throne.

Oil companies have seen their highest profits in more than a year. Mostly from finally not pouring half their product right into the ocean.

Oil companies have seen their highest profits in more than a year. That’s good news as people were losing sleep wondering how those petroleum industry executives were going to make it by with only three vacation homes.

The Census Bureau says 24 Million Millennials are still living in their childhood home. Which most say they will move out whenever their Baby Boomer parents give them a raise in their allowance.

A study says meditation can help college students overcome depression, anxiety and alcohol related incidents. At least until they all return the moment they open their first tuition loan bill.

A study says meditation can help college students overcome depression, anxiety and alcohol related incidents. Or they could skip the meditation and get rid of those same problems by opening a book and studying for their tests.

A report says that after 100 days, the auto industry is still confused as to where the Trump Administration is heading. Which shows the leader in driverless tech is not Detroit or Silicon Valley but the White House.

European Union leaders say they are united ahead of Brexit talks. Although if they were really united, Brexit probably wouldn’t have happened in the first place.

An analysis says there is a declining engagement in Donald Trump’s tweets. Apparently people are tired of following him on Twitter and just want him to tweet when he is actually ready to start World War III.

An analysis says there is a declining engagement in Donald Trump’s tweets. Although some are still loyal to what he sends out, the same way it is hard to look away from a train wreck.

Marissa Mayer was paid $27.4 Million last year to run Yahoo. If the company had done that well, they wouldn’t have had to be sold to Verizon.

A report says the Trump tax plan could benefit his family. Mostly because they have something in common with everyone else the tax plan will help. They are wealthy.

A report says the Trump tax plan could benefit his family. Although we will never know for sure because they won’t release their tax returns anyway.

A survey says Americans’ fear of being laid off is at a record low. Although it could come back up the minute any of them actually get a job.

A survey says Americans’ fear of being laid off is at a record low. Mostly because how much worse can it be getting cut from a part-time job paying minimum wage?

A London gym has started a “napercise” class to help tired parents learn to sleep better. Which pretty much consists of having them watch any BBC documentary.

A study says people over 85 need help managing their money and medications. Although after enough years of needing to take prescription medications, it won’t belong before they won’t have any of either to worry about.

A study says people over 85 need help managing their money and medications. Also to help them with who they are, where they live, the names of their kids…

A study says people over 85 need help managing their money and medications. Which for many consists of their children doping them up so much that they are able to then drain their bank accounts.

A study says it is more energizing to walk stairs than drink caffeine. Although it is much easier for people to walk up a flight of stairs after going to Starbucks with their wallet becoming so much lighter.

A Florida eye doctor has been convicted of stealing $105 Million through health care fraud. Apparently his method of convincing people they had eye problems was to make his own eye charts consisting of a blank piece of paper.

A report says 1 Million babies have been born in the U.S. through IVF. Which means only half that many would be around if it weren’t for the Octomom and Gosselins.

131,000 pounds of chicken patties sold through Costco have been recalled because they contain pieces of plastic. Apparently the order was accidentally sent to Costco instead of the intended destination of KFC.

131,000 pounds of chicken patties sold through Costco have been recalled because they contain pieces of plastic. The good news is that 131,000 pounds of chicken at Costo means only three boxes.

A survey says Alzheimer’s Disease is the illness Americans fear most. That means they are more afraid of Alzheimer’s than cancer, stroke and what was the other?

A study says when the brain ages faster than normal it can lead to early death. The first sign is when someone is 25 and they prefer listening to music on the Gramophone over a set of Beats.

Experts say discrimination can have negative effects on a person’s physical and mental health. Which explains why all those Fox commentators have been going off the deep end for so long.

A study says Type 2 Diabetes is linked to memory loss. Particularly with those people who forgot they just ate an entire cake five minutes ago.

The original cast of “Roseanne” is set for a show revival. Which is good news for the kid who played “DJ” who will get work for the first time in 20 years.

The original cast of “Roseanne” is set for a show revival. Although when the Trump economy takes effect, that will set the stage for a return of “The Waltons.”

The original cast of “Roseanne” is set for a show revival. Although most supporters of Donald Trump think we need to go farther back in time and would rather see a reboot of “Leave it to Beaver.”

Gwen Stefani had to cancel a Las Vegas performance after rupturing an eardrum. Apparently she made the mistake beforehand of going to check out the residency show of Britney Spears.

Gwyneth Paltrow is set to start Goop Magazine. The publication will appeal to women interested in wellness, shopping and those over 70 who still remember what a magazine is.

Running back Marshawn Lynch bought a full-page ad in the Seattle Times to thank his fans. Everyone knew it was from Lynch because the entire page was blank.

The U.S. Alpine director is lobbying ski officials to let Lindsey Vonn race against men. Two words why that may not be a good idea. Michelle Wie.

The U.S. Alpine director is lobbying ski officials to let Lindsey Vonn race against men. She’s already proven she can beat 15 other women at the same time. And that was just to date Tiger Woods.

A report says credit cards and ATMs could be obsolete in India by 2020. Mostly because they could never design an ATM that could take two chickens and a goat.

A study says bullying is driving LGBTQ people out of the tech industry. The good news is that single, socially awkward white and Asian male geeks have finally gotten a chance to be on the other end of the bullying ladder.

A report says Google’s Sundar Pichai is the highest paid CEO, making $200 Million last year. If it keeps going up at this rate, the CEO of Google could be the first executive to earn a Googol.

A report says Jeff Bezos is now worth $80 Billion, only $7 Billion shy of the world’s riches person Bill Gates. The only reason being that Gates isn’t like everyone else and hasn’t wasted $7 Billion buying worthless crap on Amazon.

A report says cars will eventually livestream video directly to the cloud. That way people will be able to use their smartphones to watch themselves live while their distracted driving takes them off the road and head on into a tree.

Donald Trump says he is not ruling out the use of military force against North Korea. But only if he isn’t able to start a nuclear war with someone else first.

Donald Trump says his first 100 days in office were the “most successful in history.” At least it was better than most thought it would be, only in that we are still here.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a great weekend. I did, mostly because it was a weekend. I got a lot done, taking in a workout, mowing the lawn and getting started on digging out my nuclear bomb shelter. That November election sure added a lot more chores to my schedule. I just hope you don’t consider it a chore yourself to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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