Friday, April 28, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

U.S. drought reached a record low this week with only 6% of the lower 48 states experiencing dry conditions. The biggest signs of drought are still in L.A. which is now the location of the dry spells of the Dodgers, Clippers, Rams and Chargers.

A report says more animals died on United Airlines flights in 2016 than any other airline. Some people are wondering if it is a coincidence that it is happening right when United has brought back meal service in business class.

The United Airlines dead bunny breeder wants the body back for an examination of how it died. If she isn’t careful, CEO Oscar Munoz may leave it in a pot of boiling water on her stove.

A surgeon says cryogenically frozen brains could be “awakened” and transplanted into donor bodies within three years. The only question is when Ted Williams’ brain wins the 2020 batting title will his name be accompanied by an asterisk?

A surgeon says cryogenically frozen brains could be “awakened” and transplanted into donor bodies within three years. The timing was right because of medical advances, social acceptance and the fact that the brain will thaw and be operational in minutes because of global warming.

A 92 year old Canadian man says the secret to staying young is going to raves. Which started when he was asked if he wanted to mosh and he mistakenly thought they were asking if he wanted some mush.

A Saudi man has been sentenced to death for insulting Muhammad on Twitter. Which is ironic in that the same infraction for Donald Trump resulted in a sentence of four years in the White House.

Uber is interviewing what it calls “heavyweights” to work with handling CEO Travis Kalanick. They literally mean heavyweights in someone who can sit on Kalanick to keep him from assaulting any more Uber drivers.

A report says the EU is starting to airbrush the UK out of maps two years before Brexit. To which the U.S. is saying about Alabama “You can do that?”

An overly obese body sparked a fire in an Ohio funeral home while it was being cremated. That will teach the mortician to next time make sure and empty the grease trap first.

United Airlines says it has reached an “amicable” settlement with the doctor who was dragged off a flight. Which means CEO Oscar Munoz had to write him a check with more zeroes than a Minnesota Twins vs. Oakland A’s box score.

United Airlines says it has reached an “amicable” settlement with the doctor who was dragged off a flight. Which more than likely included a lifetime pass on either Delta, American or Southwest.

United Airlines says it has reached an “amicable” settlement with the doctor who was dragged off a flight. Apparently the deal was reached when CEO Oscar Munoz invited the doctor over to his house for a friendly dinner of rabbit stew.

A report says 7% of Trump voters say they would vote for someone else in 2020. They aren’t sure who that will be, as it depends on which country they are living in by then.

Arkansas has executed its fourth prisoner in eight days. Which wouldn’t have happened if the state had never started buying its lethal injection drugs in bulk from Costco.

NASA’s Cassini spacecraft sent back stunning pictures of its trip to Saturn. Only in the U.S. would we send an object on a 746 million mile voyage only to have it end with a drive-thru for an order of ‘rings.

NASA’s Cassini spacecraft sent back stunning pictures of its trip to Saturn. The agency is receiving praise for the mission’s success and saving taxpayers millions of dollars with a sponsorship by naming the Cassini after fashion designer Oleg.

The Post Office says it will release stamps commemorating the upcoming solar eclipse. Like an eclipse of the Sun, the letters the stamps are affixed tend to reappear every seven years.

The Post Office says it will release stamps commemorating the upcoming solar eclipse. Mostly because the agency, like an eclipse usually operates in the dark.

A beloved 600 year old tree in New Jersey was taken down after being weakened to the point of toppling. The tree was witness to several historical events, and when it was cut down, in true New Jersey fashion said “I didn’t see nothin’!”

A study says retailers and insurers are being taxed more than tech businesses. Mostly because the geeks at the tech companies have figured out how to hack into TurboTax and fix it so the government thinks they don’t owe a dime.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says Donald Trump listens and is open to changing his mind. People were confused. They thought recreational marijuana use in Canada wasn’t going to take place until next year.

The Dow rally from the election through the first 100 days is on track for a Post-WW II record. The only question is if it will last long enough to set a pre-war rally before Trump starts the global nuclear Armageddon.

Uber is set to offer its UK drivers sick and injury benefits. So far in the U.S., those benefits are only offered when necessary, like when one of their drivers has an encounter with CEO Travis Kalanick.

The CEO of Southwest Airlines says they will stop overbooking flights. That means each seat will be sold to no more than the usual three people who have to share it.

Congress is considering a proposal to allow members to vote or take part in hearings online. Which would be really great news for all the congressmen who are left out of activities that can’t be performed from their jail cells.

Congress is considering a proposal to allow members to vote or take part in hearings online. That way they can still conduct business while not giving up their main reason for being in office, attending fundraisers.

Congress is considering a proposal to allow members to vote or take part in hearings online. Which has angered John McCain who says it comes just as he finally finished the connection from his office to the Capitol with telegraph lines.

An appeals court has ruled that employers can pay women less based on their past salaries. Which is good news for the companies that the salaries are still so low because they have been underpaying women for the past 150 years.

Eight people have been busted in Miami for allegedly impersonating IRS agents to scam people out of millions of dollars. They were caught as authorities figured if they only stole millions of dollars, they were way too nice to be real IRS agents.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is blaming the passenger-dragging incident on a system failure. Normally the company draws the line at cancelling flights, overcharging customers, losing luggage, no customer service…

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is blaming the passenger-dragging incident on a system failure. Next time they beat up a flier, flight attendants must first confiscate all passenger cellphones to prevent video recordings.

United Airlines has vowed to reduce overbooking and offer $10,000 to passengers who are bumped. That money will be put right into their medical savings account to go towards payment for their hospital bills.

United Airlines has vowed to reduce overbooking and offer $10,000 to bumped fliers. The only problem is that with $10,000 in their pocket they will have to worry about being beaten and dragged off the plane by the other passengers.

A study says exercise can overcome the “obesity gene.” The hard part is getting that obesity gene to tell the rest of the person’s DNA to get off the couch once in awhile.

A study says exercise can overcome the “obesity gene.” That is going to be hard in a country where we have gotten so fat that “Obesity Gene” is now one of the top ten most popular names for boys.

A Texas company is recalling its organic dog food, saying it could contain a euthanasia drug. The good news is that it makes it much easier to train your dog to “play dead.”

A Texas company is recalling its organic dog food, as it could contain a euthanasia drug. To which the Arkansas prison system is saying “We’ll take 25 cases!”

The Utah Jazz has helped get high tech glasses that have allowed a 7 year old fan to see his favorite team for the first time. After watching a game, he generously offered the glasses instead to the referees saying “You need these more than I do.”

A program that helps U.S. areas in need get foreign doctors is up for renewal. Or as most people know that program, belonging to an HMO.

Saturday is Prescription drug take back day. It’s where people can take their drugs to be disposed of properly. At least the ones left over that haven’t already been stolen by their teenagers.

Saturday is Prescription drug take back day. It’s where people can take their drugs to be disposed of properly. Which is a way for people to clean out their medicine cabinets for anything they have that doesn’t get them high.

Kim Kardashian says she doesn’t respect Caitlyn Jenner’s character now, saying parts of her book are not the truth or tasteful. And who knows those qualities better than someone who has released a sex tape and had a 72 day marriage?

Johnny Depp made a surprise appearance at Disneyland as Captain Jack Sparrow on the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride. Which means those rumors of his financial problems must really be true if he is down to working as a Disney cast member.

Fox News’ Jesse Watters says his remarks of Ivanka Trump and a microphone were not sexual in nature, comparing her to a “smooth jazz radio DJ.” Which is interesting coming from someone who looks like he spends his time listening to Radio Disney.

The Jacksonville Jaguars say they drafted running back Leonard Fournette to “put the ball in the end zone.” Which is a shift from their old strategy of drafting quarterbacks who put the ball in the hands of the other teams’ defensive backs.

Starbucks says a third of its sales last quarter were made digitally. Mostly because they can’t afford to pay cash since ordering a large mocha latte takes them down to their last quarter.

Starbucks says a third of its sales last quarter were made digitally. Which means they are served by a barista who gives them their coffee while showing them his middle digit.

The FCC is asking the public if they should keep, modify or eliminate Net Neutrality. Mostly because they already know the answer if they asked the public if they should keep, modify or eliminate the FCC.

Amazon stock is approaching $1,000 a share. Which is good news for the people who have the money to invest in the company because they aren’t spending all their spare cash buying cheap crap on Amazon.

Marissa Mayer will reportedly leave Yahoo with a $184 Million payout. Although it shows how the tech industry is still sexist, as the board members will give her the money and say “Now go get yourself something nice.”

Donald Trump says the U.S. could land in a “major, major conflict” with North Korea. That is, if everything works out the way he wants.

Michelle Obama says she won’t run for public office as she “wouldn’t ask my children to do this again.” Mostly because she has already seen what even 100 days has done to those Trump kids.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday. Which are the only three words that have any meaning to anyone reading this blog. You didn’t need me to tell you that. It’s what we live for. If nothing else, it means two days off from this poor attempt at a humor blog. But you are like me. You can’t stay away and we will both be back on Monday. We can’t help ourselves. It’s an illness. I just hope that over the weekend you will take the time to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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