Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A group led by Al Gore wants $15 Trillion to fight global warming. The only problem is that the planet’s temperature could go even higher from burning all that cash.

A group led by Al Gore wants $15 Trillion to fight global warming. Apparently the money is needed as the third installment of “An Inconvenient Truth” is going to use all-union film crews.

Sean Hannity says liberals are trying to silence conservative voices with sexual harassment charges, to which he has assembled a team of the “finest and toughest” lawyers. Meaning he prefers to silence opponents the traditional way. With cash and intimidation.

ESPN is anticipating layoffs that could become a “bloodbath.” No one had any idea the consequences would be this serious just from Thursday Night Football.

ESPN is anticipating layoffs that could become a “bloodbath.” On one hand, anchors are afraid of losing their high-paying jobs. On the other, it appears to be the only way they will ever get out of Bristol, Connecticut.

Google has promised to alter its search results to punish websites that promote extreme views, fake news and conspiracy theories. In other words, you will just get a blank page when you type in “Breitbart.”

Google has promised to alter its search results to punish websites that promote extreme views, fake news and conspiracy theories. The good news for Fox is that even if people can’t access their web page, they still have their TV channel.

The U.S. Air Force is planning to launch a test missile off the California coast. Which is getting confusing when someone with a bad haircut orders an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile show of strength does it mean the U.S. or North Korea?

A Notre Dame University student accused of stalking, harassment and dating violence claims he was expelled because he is male. Which is like IRS saying people don’t like them because they are a part of the government.

Scientists say they have created an artificial womb. The bad news is that it could mean that Caitlyn Jenner could get hold of one to create even more Kardashians.

A popular antivirus program reportedly can mistakenly identify Windows as a threat. Which most users say isn’t that far off as long as it is calling out Windows 7, Windows 95 or Windows Vista.

A report says Donald Trump’s border wall request for funding represents .035% of federal spending. The problem is the other 99.965% is earmarked for the military.

A report says Donald Trump’s border wall request for funding represents .035% of federal spending. The real problem is that it also represents all the money that is left in the Federal Treasury.

Scientists say they are close to developing a muscle-building exercise pill. The only problem is that if people store the pills on a high shelf it could be too hard for them to put out the effort to get them down to take them.

Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross says a U.S. trade war with Canada is “unlikely.” Mostly because he feels if it gets that serious, Americans can do without bacon and molasses if Canadians can give up their brats and cheese.

Nordstrom’s is selling jeans covered in dirt for $425 a pair. Or women could just give a $20 pair of regular jeans to a man and wait a week.

Nordstrom’s is selling jeans covered in dirt for $425 a pair. That way they can tell if the pants have been worn when they are returned cleaner than when they were bought.

A congressional panel says the Republican plan to cut corporate taxes would lead to massive revenue losses. To which corporate CEOs are arguing the finding, saying “Not for us!”

North Korea detained an American at an airport for unknown reasons. Which at least is better than the last time Kim Jong-un kept someone from boarding a flight.

A Scottish politician running for Glasgow city council says she wants to bring back the guillotine. How strict are the parking laws in that city?

John McCain has told Donald Trump to “get tough” with China about North Korea. Apparently he thinks Trump is weak in going a whole 100 days in office without starting a war.

John McCain has told Donald Trump to “get tough” with China about North Korea. He thinks China at the very least is close enough to yell at Kim Jong-un to get off their lawn.

McDonald’s has increased their revenue with their all-day breakfast menu. Which shows that expanding the menu leads to expanded profits by expanding waistlines.

Uber says it plans to test a fleet of flying taxis by 2020. Although some people not might not feel comfortable being flown around by an unemployed graduate student who has never been behind the wheel of anything more complicated than a Prius.

Uber says it plans to test a fleet of flying taxis by 2020. Although the last thing anyone who needs a ride wants to do is be flown around after drinking too much after a sushi dinner.

A report says consumer complaints have spiked 325% in 2017 over student loans. Mostly when borrowers realized they are going to be paying back 325% of the original amount.

A report says consumer complaints have spiked 325% in 2017 over student loans. How bad is that business when people are more satisfied after flying on United?

The release date for “Star Wars: Episode IX” has been announced for May of 2019. The only problem will be for people going to theaters who will have to step over the geeks camping out for a place in line for the next two years.

A report says home prices in the U.S. grew at the fastest rate in the past three years. Which just means the people who lost their homes in 2008 have even less of a chance of ever being able to afford to buy them back.

A report says home prices in the U.S. grew at the fastest rate in the past three years. Which is great news for the Chinese investors who are the only ones to still be able to buy them up.

House Republicans are targeting strict regulations put into effect after the financial crisis. Apparently the idea is that people have had nine years to get back on their feet so it seems like a good time to crash the economy again.

House Republicans are targeting strict regulations put into effect after the financial crisis. Which means it may be time to change the old adage to “Once bitten twice stupid.”

A report says the number of undocumented immigrants in the U.S. has dropped in the past year. Mostly because after seeing how the U.S. going, they are more afraid of the wall not keeping them out but keeping them in once they are here.

A romance novelist was injured at the Las Vegas airport when his e-cigarette battery exploded in his pocket. Even he couldn’t come up with a better romance novel line than “I feel an intense heat for you. In my pants!”

A poll says Russians are seeing a widening gap between the rich and poor. In fact, they are so much like the U.S. anymore they decided to pick our President for us.

Researchers say mindfulness and meditation don’t help with lower back pain. Especially when the person meditating throws their spine completely out of alignment by trying to twist themselves into the wounded peacock yoga position.

A study says heavy drinkers may not handle alcohol as well as they think. Which is probably how they became heavy drinkers in the first place.

Researchers say middle-aged people can empower their brains through exercise. The only problem is when their brains make them think they can still exercise like they remember doing 50 years ago.

A poll says 50% of Americans have little or no confidence in the GOP health care push. The other 50% have no confidence in the GOP’s policies for the border wall, economy, jobs, education, environment…

76 year old Faye Dunaway says she “felt guilty” over the Oscars Best Picture gaffe. Mostly because it was her first speaking part in 20 years and she felt embarrassed about having to yell out “Line!”

Kelly Wright, a black male anchor at Fox News is suing the network alleging racial discrimination. People were surprised. Fox has a black male anchor?

Elton John has cancelled some U.S. shows following a rare infection contracted in South America. Although he wasn’t upset that he finally can say he has something in common with last summer’s Olympic athletes.

The Writers Guild of America has voted to authorize a strike. They have no plans to walk out, it just gives them a good plot line for several series episode scripts some of them are working on.

“The Walton’s” star Mary McDonough says she starved herself after being told she was too fat for television. To which producers say they didn’t tell her to be thin to look pretty, but because their show was set during the Depression.

Clemson quarterback Deshaun Watson says he will enter the NFL draft with one goal, being as good as Tom Brady. Apparently he upped his standards from his old objective of being as good as Johnny Manziel.

Clemson quarterback Deshaun Watson says he will enter the NFL draft with one goal, being as good as Tom Brady. To which coaches are already holding him to that, asking him how well he can handle an air pressure gauge.

Jeb Bush will have controlling interest of the Miami Marlins if his group is chosen to buy the team. The only question is how did Jeb Bush come up with the most money in a $1.3 purchase while working as an employee for the State of Florida?

Jeb Bush will have controlling interest of the Miami Marlins if his group is chosen to buy the team. Apparently after his disastrous campaign in 2016 he is picking the route his brother used to get to the White House through baseball.

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich reportedly left a $5,000 tip at a restaurant in Memphis. How good was that server on the refill detail?

David Stern says he doesn’t miss being the NBA Commissioner. Neither does anyone else considering his greatest achievement was bringing a major professional sport to Oklahoma.

Maria Sharapova may have to qualify to get into the French Open. To win the championship that means she would have to get past almost as many opponents as if she had run for French President.

A Chinese entrepreneur is promoting insects as a source of protein for the country. Which shouldn’t be that hard of a sell to a people who don’t mind an occasional plateful of dog, fox and donkey meat.

Caitlyn Jenner says she would seriously consider running for public office. At least there is one person who would take that seriously.

Caitlyn Jenner says she would seriously consider running for public office. The only bad part would be dealing with opponents trying to label her as a “flip-flopper.”

A poll says most Millennials disapprove of Donald Trump. Which means for one of the few times in the nation’s history when it comes to politics there is no generation gap.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As you know, I write this blog five days a week almost without fail. Which means as of Friday I might be open more days a year than the federal government. If they are going to do a shutdown, why couldn’t it have happened before Tax Day? There is just no sense of timing in Washington, D.C. If Donald Trump shuts down the government, that will be good news for the people who used that reason to vote for him. We’ll see how happy they are when they don’t get their Social Security check. I know all it takes to ever make me happy is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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