Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump says he wants to send astronauts to Mars during his first term as President. Which could be his alternative as a way to get around to having to send any illegal immigrants back home.

A survey says Wi-Fi in the home is more important to people than having clean underwear. Although having a clean change of underwear is the first thing some people need when the Internet goes down right in the middle of binge watching “Doctor Who.”

DNC Chairman Tom Perez is being criticized for his frequent swearing in speeches. Apparently it has just been hard to stop ever since he saw the election returns on November 8th.

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says within 30 years a robot will be on the cover of Time Magazine as the best CEO. People were shocked at the prediction. Time Magazine will still be around in 30 years?

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says within 30 years a robot will be on the cover of Time Magazine as the best CEO. To which Bill Gates is saying he’s already been there nine times.

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says he sees decades of pain as the Internet upends the old economy. Mostly the pain from people looking at all the junk around their house they ordered from Alibaba, Amazon and eBay.

Alibaba founder Jack Ma says he sees decades of pain as the Internet upends the old economy. Which won’t be that much of a change for most people who have gone through the last nine years in pain from living with the old economy.

Prosecutors in Connecticut were able to use data from a Fitbit in order to bring murder charges against a dead woman’s husband. Investigators feel he should have known that giving someone an incentive to exercise could prove fatal.

North Korea media has issued a threat to “wipe out” the U.S. To which Wall Street bankers are saying they tried that back in 2007 and it is harder than it looks.

Chobani Yogurt is suing conservative radio host Ales Jones for spreading false information about the company. Which will be hard to prove any damages since it will be hard to find any radio listeners who actually eat yogurt.

Chobani Yogurt is suing conservative radio host Ales Jones for spreading false information about the company. The only problem is that it is the closest he has ever been to the truth after his claims about Pizzagate, the 911 “inside job” and Sandy Hook being staged.

A Washington State boy celebrated his 12th birthday by asking for people to donate shoes to the homeless. Mostly because 12 year old boys don’t ever need shoes since the only place they ever walk is from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

Egyptian tourism officials are insisting popular sites are safe. Which would be a different opinion from the one given by all the slaves who had to build those pyramids.

An immigration rights group has put together a video showing people how to avoid deportation. The first suggestion is by getting a job as a waiter or gardener at Mar-a-Lago.

A report says apprenticeship programs are putting workers on track to jobs in finance. Which will teach them how to make all kinds of money in a field that makes all its future employees to work for free.

A report says apprenticeship programs are putting workers on track to jobs in finance. Although the last apprenticeship program that people put their faith into has ended up pushing the country back into the 1950s.

The attorney for the United Airlines dragged passenger is now representing the woman in the stroller incident on American. If he ends up in court against Delta that means he will pretty much be resigned to doing all his traveling on Greyhound.

The attorney for the United Airlines dragged passenger is now representing the woman in the stroller incident on American. All it will take is a lawsuit against Southwest and he will qualify for the Frequent Litigators program.

A report says Wisconsin dairy farms are facing closings due to Canadian policies. Which is ironic as those dairies have stayed in business all these years because of the Canadian diet.

Donald Trump says he wants to cut the corporate tax rate to 15%. To which U.S. corporations say that is great, especially as long as they can still pay with pesos, rubles and Yuan.

Donald Trump says he wants to cut the corporate tax rate to 15%. To which the businesses are asking if he means cutting to 15% from the current 35% rate, or raising it to 15% from the zero percent they actually pay now.

Bill O’Reilly is back on a podcast after being taken off the air by Fox News. The cost to listen is $4.95 a month or $49.95 a year. Although listening to his private phone conversations with women coworkers costs $2.99 a minute.

Ontario, Canada has launched a guaranteed income program that will pay people a minimum $12,600 a year. Which is also offered in the U.S. but only if you can qualify for unemployment, disability or welfare.

A study says walking can improve a person’s brain function. The way to tell is for the people who go out for a walk and can actually find their way back home.

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. You can tell when the waitress bringing you breakfast yells out “Fore!”

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. It’s the one that is advertised as  “Tiger Woods’ Breakfast of Champions.”

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. People are urged when they see someone choking on a piece of golf ball to make sure to perform the Heimlich maneuver using the Vardon grip.

A brand of hash brown potatoes is being recalled because they may contain pieces of golf balls. So far it has resulted in the most choking caused by golf balls since the 2012 U.S. Ryder Cup team.

A study says bright lights could help with waking patients out of a coma. Which is really bad when they have been in a sleep state for years because the whole time they thought it was still nighttime.

A study says obesity steals more years from people’s lives than diabetes, smoking, high blood pressure and cholesterol. The irony is that all of those problems could be wiped out by losing the junk food diet and the after meal cigarette.

Mississippi is trying to recruit homegrown doctors to cure the state’s physician shortage. The only problem is that the number one reason people there go to college and medical school is to make enough money to leave Mississippi.

Justin Bieber says he “Thanks God he is not where he used to be.” To which all the Canadians are saying “Back at ya!”

Former Fox News anchor Andrea Tantaros is accusing the network of illegal electronic surveillance. To which Fox is saying that was just Bill O’Reilly’s way of saying welcome aboard.

Kenny G gave an impromptu concert on a Delta Airlines flight. To which the passengers said the next time they would rather be dragged off United or hit with a stroller on American.

Kid Rock teamed up with Jack Nicklaus at a golf tournament to beat Gary Player and Lee Trevino. Mostly because every time they tried to putt, Kid Rock kept yelling “Shake the bogey, said up jump the bogey.”

Richard Simmons, following his hospitalization thanked the doctors, nurses, police officers, firefighters and the military. Just what did the guy have? Even Ebola didn’t require that much help.

Serena Williams wrote a letter to her unborn baby saying “I can’t wait to meet you.” Neither can the other players who want to thank the baby for keeping Serena out of the major tournaments the next nine months.

Red Sox reliever Matt Barnes has been suspended four games for throwing at the Orioles Manny Machado. If that was the rule in the old days, Don Drysdale and Bob Gibson wouldn’t have had more than three starts in a season.

Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner says the dirt bike ride that caused an injury “was not the most responsible decision.” Now the team is just waiting for when he decides to tell how he really got hurt.

A New Jersey teenager has been accepted to all eight Ivy League schools. Although the application to Princeton was actually a mistake as the reason she wants to go to an Ivy League school is so she can finally get out of New Jersey.

A New Jersey teenager has been accepted to all eight Ivy League schools. Although the application to Princeton was actually a mistake as the reason she wants to go to an Ivy League school is so she can finally get out of New Jersey.

Marissa Mayer will make a reported $186 Million from the sale of Yahoo to Verizon. The money is a bonus for Mayer’s decision to relinquish control before her leadership took the company’s value down to zero.

Marissa Mayer will make a reported $186 Million from the sale of Yahoo to Verizon. Upon learning of the news she couldn’t think of any other words to describe her feelings about Yahoo other than “Yippee!”

A report says America’s shrinking middle class is now less than in all 11 countries of Western Europe. What’s even worse is that Europe’s lower class is now pretty much the same as the U.S. middle class.

Scientists say that global warming is to be blamed for record-breaking heat waves around the world. And vice versa.

A Russian man has received the longest prison sentence ever in the U.S. for hacking. Ironically, the sentence for any Americans conspiring with Russian hackers is four years in the White House.

An “anomaly” is being blamed for a railway ticket on a 64 mile route in the UK to be listed at $12,000. Mostly because the railroad knew they could get the money as the only alternative way to get there was to fly United.

A report says Sears tops the list of retailers mostly vulnerable to defaulting on their debt. To which most people were surprised. “Sears is still in business?”

A report says Sears tops the list of retailers mostly vulnerable to defaulting on their debt. What’s worse is that all the other retailers are tied for second.

A retired Marine General is expected to be named as the next director of the Secret Service. Mostly because even a retired person can remember to lock the White House doors before going to bed at night.

Chris Christie gave Donald Trump a “B” grade on his first 100 days in office. Which means Christie pretty much gets an “F” when it comes to knowing the only way to get on the list to be hired by Trump is to never give anything less than an “A+.”

Bill O’Reilly is returning on a podcast that he says will be a “genuine news program.” The problem is that the only genuine news that everyone is talking about is all the sexual harassment lawsuits filed against Bill O’Reilly.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says after being criticized about his comments about Hawaii “Nobody has a sense of humor anymore.” For example someone took away his favorite speech props of a rubber chicken and white hood.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Since I am posting this it means we haven’t been destroyed yet by nuclear war with North Korea. Damn. If it’s going to happen I want it to be before I mail in my credit card payment. Some scary times we are living in. Hopefully, these jokes take away a little of the anxiety from the world situation. Or maybe they just make them worse. In any event, I just hope you are relaxed enough to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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