Sunday, April 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An American Airlines flight attendant has been suspended after reportedly hitting a woman passenger with her baby’s stroller. The good news is if the flight attendant is fired they have already been offered a position in customer service at United.

A study says professional gaming could pass sports like baseball and basketball in popularity. For one thing, the only PEDs that gamers need to be tested for are Mountain Dew and M&Ms.

A study says professional gaming could pass sports like baseball and basketball in popularity. One difference is that instead of treating knee and elbow injuries, team physicians for gamers need to be more schooled in heart disease and diabetes.

A report says membership in the U.S. Communist Party is climbing. Mostly from people who feel they have gotten no results from supporting parties like the Republicans, Democrats, Constitution, Green Party, Tea Party, Socialists…

Drones are being used to search for hikers lost in national parks. That won’t even be necessary once technology allows those campers to use their cellphones to call Domino’s and use those drones to just bring them a large pepperoni pizza.

A study says springtime allergies are linked to increasing suicide rates. Mostly from people who can’t go through another sleepless night because their partner kept them up sniffling, sneezing and coughing.

A study says springtime allergies are linked to increasing suicide rates. The only problem is being able to buy enough Benadryl to be able to cause an overdose.

United Airlines says CEO Oscar Munoz will not be promoted to Chairman. Not only that, but his compensation will be tied to customer satisfaction. Which means his salary will drop from $14 Million down to around minimum wage.

United Airlines says CEO Oscar Munoz will not be promoted to Chairman. Not only that, but his compensation will be tied to customer satisfaction. Which is bad for him as most customers won’t be satisfied until he is fired.

United Airlines says CEO Oscar Munoz will not be promoted to Chairman. Taking the chair may not be a good idea, considering what happened to the last person who tried to do that on a flight with United.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he will take away millions of dollars in federal funds from sanctuary cities if they don’t comply with immigration laws. Now those cities are being forced to find sanctuary from Jeff Sessions.

The UK had its first full day without any electricity generated by burning coal since the 1880s. The ironic part is that they found half their street lighting was necessary to be able to see through all the soot.

Mike Pence made up with Australia’s Prime Minister following a spat with Donald Trump. Apparently Congress saw this coming and gave the Vice President carte blanche to an account of $3 Billion with 1-800-FLOWERS.

Mike Pence made up with Australia’s Prime Minister following a spat with Donald Trump. The Vice President cleaning up the mistakes of the President is exactly the opposite of how it worked with Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

The winner of the Best Barista championships says the best cup of coffee is a result of the blend, timing and presentation. Plus the nerve to look the customer in the eye while charging them $25 for it.

A report says 85% of all clothes end up in landfills. Which is a waste of material and time except for that swan dress worn to the Oscars by Bjork.

A report says 85% of all clothes end up in landfills. The other 15% belong there, but those are the ones ending up on the rack at Wal-Mart.

Mike Pence says peace with North Korea is possible through China. The only problem is keeping Donald Trump from starting a war with China.

Mike Pence says peace with North Korea is possible through China. Mostly because China wants to protect its investment in the U.S. for when they finally foreclose.

Sears says it will close 50 auto centers and 92 Kmart pharmacies. Mostly because people won’t need their prescriptions for headache remedies once they stop having their cars repaired by Sears.

Sears says it will close 50 auto centers and 92 Kmart pharmacies. Mostly because of all the unemployed people who lost their health coverage and no longer need a car to drive to work.

Smart credit card company Plastc folded without shipping any orders. It turns out the only credit cards they made were the ones they used to finance themselves.

Fitch has downgraded Italy’s credit rating to one notch above junk because of large debt, a stagnant economy and divisive politics. Which wont affect the U.S. credit rating since all those features are now pretty much part of the national culture.

A London bar serves a $23 shot of whiskey that goes along with the use of a virtual reality headset. Which the customer can use to pretend they didn’t just spend $23 for a shot of whiskey.

A London bar serves a $23 shot of whiskey that goes along with the use of a virtual reality headset. Which seems redundant since virtual reality is pretty much the whole point of drinking whiskey.

Exxon and Shell are teaming up with Ivanka Trump to convince Donald Trump not to pull out of the Paris Climate Accord. To which everyone else in the world is saying “OK, what’s the catch?”

Blood testing company Theranos is being accused of misleading company directors and used fake demonstrations to promote their product. It turns out the only blood they were using was every last drop they were squeezing from their investors.

A poll says Americans still favor real estate as the best long-term investment. Apparently “long-term” only goes back to 2007 when most those people saw their homes get foreclosed.

Obama-era Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has been dismissed. Mostly because the Trump Administration figures why have a Surgeon General when in another few months no one is going to have any health care anyway?

Scientists marched on the nation’s capital over the weekend to demand funding in an attempt to shake up D.C. Although if they really wanted to shake things up, the march would have just involved all the seismologists.

Scientists marched on the nation’s capital over the weekend to demand funding. Their point is to have knowledge win out over ignorance. Which they may need some luck with if they look again at the results of the November election.

George H.W. Bush was hospitalized right after the Super Bowl coin toss. Apparently it really upset him that they didn’t take his advice to call “tails.”

George H.W. Bush was hospitalized right after the Super Bowl coin toss. Which is ironic in that most Americans are faced with a coin toss when they get sick between getting treatment or holding onto some of their life savings.

A group of California doctors and pharmacists have been charged in a $40 Million kickback scheme. Who did they think they were, a pharmaceutical company?

A group of California doctors and pharmacists have been charged in a $40 Million kickback scheme. If they needed that much money they should have just done it legally and loaded their shelves with some of those $600 Mylan EpiPens.

The FDA says lethal injection drugs imported by Texas must be destroyed or exported within 90 days. To which Arkansas is saying “We’ll take them!”

The FDA says lethal injection drugs imported by Texas must be destroyed or exported within 90 days. Which is ironic as that is exactly the same guidelines Texas uses for illegal immigrants.

The FDA says lethal injection drugs imported by Texas must be destroyed or exported within 90 days. To which Texas is saying who needs imported lethal drugs when you can just as easily use domestic lethal bullets?

Banquet has recalled Chicken Nugget with Macaroni & Cheese frozen dinners because of the threat of salmonella. The bad part is the salmonella is the most nutritious part of the meals.

Dow Chemical is pushing the White House to ignore a study showing some pesticides are harmful to 1,800 endangered species. They say the problem can be solved by just reclassifying all those animals as “pests.”

A study says a slight charge of electricity can improve a failing memory. To which the CIA agrees, saying it’s amazing how much people can remember when you hit them with a shot of 120 volts.

Robert De Niro is set to receive an honorary fine arts degree from Brown. That is as long as the ceremony takes place before the regents have a chance to see a showing of “Dirty Grandpa.”

Kim Kardashian says Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are “just not meant to be.” Which is a pretty tough call to ignore coming from someone who has been through three marriages, one of them for a whole 72 days.

Bill Nye says science “will make a comeback.” Although that is a brave prediction from someone whose show was beaten in the ratings by “The Kardashians,” “Real Housewives” and “Teen Mom.”

Bill Nye says science “will make a comeback.” Meaning from the beating it took from fear, superstition and irrationality that crushed it in the 2016 election.

David Ortiz says his Silver Slugger Award was delivered to his house by FedEx. The question is if Rick Porcello who won the Cy Young with fewer first place votes than Justin Verlander was given the award by the accountants who work the Oscars.

The Dodgers bullpen gave up 9 runs in one inning last week. Apparently the front office came up with their interpretation of “fireman” from reading “Fahrenheit 451.”

Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner was injured in a dirt bike riding accident. You would think someone in his position would know how to navigate his way up and down some dirt mounds.

Nike executive George Ravelling says LaVar Ball is “the worst thing to happen to basketball in the last 100 years.” To which fans are asking if it has been that long since the NBA used those short shorts?

Nike executive George Ravelling says LaVar Ball is “the worst thing to happen to basketball in the last 100 years.” Although it is questionable for him to make that judgment after remembering his company gave us the Nike Air Rift.

Nike executive George Ravelling says LaVar Ball is “the worst thing to happen to basketball in the last 100 years.” He says that because Donald Sterling is only 82.

A new tool allows people to see if their computer is infected with NSA spyware. Or as most people find out, if the computer can be turned on the answer is yes.

A report says the French presidential election has been plagued with fake news. Which can be easily identified as any reports that describe the French as polite, helpful and with good personal hygiene.

McDonald’s stock has gone up with the news they will feature mobile ordering. Mostly because their customers will be able to go through their whole daily junk food experience without ever having to put down their cellphones.

A Dutch engineer is proposing making airport runways circular. Which is perfect for United Airlines wouldn’t have to make a special trip back to the terminal when they want to throw off any passengers.

A Dutch engineer is proposing making airport runways circular. To which Harrison Ford is saying “Already way ahead of you.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sad news from the entertainment world with the death of Erin Moran, “Joanie” from the ‘70s hit show “Happy Days.” Another tragic end that came too early for the 56 year old actress. She went from one of the greatest shows in TV history to a weak spinoff called “Joanie and Chachi” to pretty much anonymity. Even worse about “Joanie Loves Chachi” is that it prolonged the career of Scott Baio, even if just for another year. It just shows how Hollywood can give and take away in a very short time. I only mention that as anyone who grew up in the ‘70s knew the show and all the characters as it was iconic for the times and groundbreaking in many ways. That was when most people had access to three channels and even in large cities might have had up to around seven. In many ways because of that those were indeed happy days. I just hope all of you take the time to appreciate what you have and remember to always keep on sending the love!



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