Friday, April 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A U.N. research group says the risk of “accidental” nuclear war is growing. Although that is changing because of Donald Trump who intends to start one on purpose.

North Korea is threatening a “super mighty preemptive strike” against the U.S. Although they would be taken more seriously if they didn’t use adjectives that sound more like a commercial for laundry detergent.

A study says 65% of Americans lose sleep over money issues. The other 35% are resting up until the day they actually have enough money to worry about.

A study says 65% of Americans lose sleep over money issues. The other 35% fall asleep not by counting sheep, but instead the pennies, nickels, and dimes that make up their life savings.

A report says most Millennials are struggling with the transition to adulthood. To which the people who are 40 years old, living at home and playing video games all day are saying “What’s adulthood?”

A study says more Americans 18-34 live at home than with a spouse. Mostly because it’s tough to even get a second date when having them meet the parents means walking up the stairs from the basement.

A study says mindfulness meditation helps more women than men. Except the men who take classes just so they can look at all the women who show up wearing yoga pants.

An Italian court has found a link between improper cellphone use and a brain tumor. The improper use meant instead of using the phone to text or watch videos as they were intended, the plaintiff was using it to try and make phone calls.

Kennesaw State University in Georgia held a “privilege workshop” where they had white people go in one room and those of color into another. Which in Georgia is also known as living in Georgia.

Western Kentucky University students have voted to give black students free tuition. Which is nothing new, but this time includes those who can’t slam dunk a basketball.

A study says that being skinny is linked to depression. Especially for the people who got that way because they never allow themselves to eat any pizza or ice cream.

A study says that being skinny is linked to depression. Which is bad news for the five Americans over 40 who still have that problem.

France is concerned over Russian interference in their presidential election with reports of hacking and fake news. They should be concerned, after seeing what the same thing did to the U.S.

A GM factory in Venezuela was seized by the government amid a deepening economic crisis. To which local officials in Detroit are saying “You can do that?”

A North Carolina bra maker is suing a women’s apparel company for patent infringement. Not only that, they are trying to get prosecutors to charge them with a class double D felony.

A North Carolina bra maker is suing a women’s apparel company for patent infringement. They are hoping the court will issue an uplifting verdict.

A study says the average Millennial makes less money than Baby Boomers were earning in 1975. Mostly because in the 1970s it didn’t take a four year degree to get hired to flip burgers at McDonald’s.

The U.N. is threatening new sanctions against North Korea for their recent missile tests. To which North Korea is not worried about since it is pretty tough to take away what they never had in the first place.

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says the proposed federal tax cut “will pay for itself.” Which sounds like the old story about how a business is making money selling products for less than it costs to make them because they deal in volume.

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says the proposed federal tax cut “will pay for itself.” Which it will have to because the five people who still actually have an income will be off the hook.

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says the proposed federal tax cut “will pay for itself.” Although the real reason Donald Trump is pushing it is so he can cut the tax rate to zero and finally have a real reason to not show anyone his returns.

Subway is closing hundreds of restaurants across the country. Not to say they may have had too many locations, but lately even Starbucks was asking if they weren’t overreaching a bit.

Russia has banned Jehovah’s Witnesses, calling them an “extremist group.” That’s what happens when you leave one too many pamphlets in Vladimir Putin’s mailbox.

Pot activists in Washington, D.C. were arrested during a free marijuana giveaway on Capitol Hill. Congress is claiming they are the only ones who can use the site to hold a joint session.

A report says Bill O’Reilly’s payout from Fox News could amount to $25 Million. Or as O’Reilly’s legal team calls that, “date night.”

Conspiracy theorist and radio host Alex Jones says his true personality is different from what he is like on the air. Like with Bill O’Reilly, who on the air was an angry, old white man but in person is a perverted lecherous creep.

Republicans are floating a health care compromise deal. The only problem is the compromise is between denying more people health insurance while giving more tax breaks to the wealthy.

Republicans are floating a health care compromise deal. Although when the deal is being forged by Donald Trump and Paul Ryan, it goes from being a compromise to more of a conspiracy.

A study says drinking diet sodas can raise the risk of dementia and stroke, with similar results from a study about drinking sugary sodas. Which means the only way to avoiding a stroke is just die first from dehydration.

A study says cycling to work can cut the risk of cancer by 45%. The only problem is that it increases the risk of being run over before getting there by 8,000%

A poll says support of legalizing pot is at an all-time high of 61%. Mostly because no one cares because when is the last time anyone was actually arrested for lighting up a bong?

In 2004 Bill O’Reilly was quoted as saying women used sexual harassment as a “club” against men. Which is ironic that it was used by women to kick O’Reilly out of the men’s club known as Fox News.

LeBron James has passed Kobe Bryant into third place on the all-time NBA playoff scoring list. Tied for last place on the list is everyone on the roster of the Minnesota Timberwolves.

LeBron James has passed Kobe Bryant into third place on the all-time NBA playoff scoring list. Which is the only time that “passed” and “Kobe Bryant” will ever be used in the same sentence.

Protesters say a statue of the Miami Marlins’ Jose Fernandez sends a wrong message as he died in a DUI boating accident. Apparently they would prefer statues of more upstanding players like Barry Bonds, Lenny Dykstra and Jose Canseco.

Former Notre Dame quarterback DeShone Kizer says he has the mind of Tom Brady and the body of Cam Newton. Which means he can throw a football 70 yards but can’t remember where he put his jersey.

Tiger Woods had his fourth back surgery in the past three years. Just how hard did Elin Nordegren hit him with that 9-iron?

Eleven Alcorn State football players were arrested after a cafeteria fight. Apparently one of the other students upset them when they asked for directions to a classroom.

Eleven Alcorn State football players were arrested after a cafeteria fight. The coach is taking the blame, saying that’s what happens when budget cutbacks put an end to the team’s unlimited dining hall passes.

“The X-Files” is returning for an 11th season. The first mystery they will try to solve is which galaxy were they transported to and kept in hiding since 2002?

IBM researchers have used computers for a breakthrough to combat blindness. Which is ironic for all the people who have gone blind from staring continuously at a computer screen for the past 25 years.

MasterCard has debuted a credit card with a fingerprint sensor to fight fraud. Which is a different way of fighting fraud than trying to use a Discover Card and being given the finger.

Pioneering computer scientist Harry Huskey has died at age 101. Which sounds old until you realize that 101 in binary is actually 5.

Verizon has reported a quarterly loss of customers for the first time ever. It’s not like they are gone. It’s just that their users are joining customers at Sprint and AT&T who have ended up in the Bermuda Triangle of lost connections.

A report says robocall scams are targeting Millennials and taking them for billions of dollars. Mostly because after being stuck in their parents’ basement for days at a time they are willing to take a phone call from just about anyone.

Donald Trump’s lawyers say that protesters suing the President had “no right” to voice opposing views at a campaign rally. Which brings up the question if they don’t have that right, how can they be considered protesters in the first place?

A report says Colorado marijuana DUIs are down 33%. Which can be pretty much summed up in two words. Domino’s delivers.

A report says Colorado marijuana DUIs are down 33%. Which means they are now at a Rocky Mountain low.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s time for the weekend and I can sure use one. I seem to get this exact same feeling every seven days or so, right around Friday for some reason. Although I get similar feelings also on Monday through Thursday.  But they are nothing like the feeling I get when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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