Thursday, April 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Bill O’Reilly was fired from Fox News after 15 years because of claims of sexual harassment. He will write a new book about it called “Killing My Career.”

Bill O’Reilly was fired from Fox News after 15 years because of claims of sexual harassment. He was fine with the move saying that after the election of Donald Trump, “My work here is done.”

Former NFL star and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez was found dead in his prison cell from hanging. His attorney didn’t know how right he was when he predicted he would be released soon.

A study says 89% of media reports are negative about Donald Trump. Which makes sense since that reflects the feelings of about the same number of the general population.

Russia claims it has an “electronic bomb” that can wipe out the U.S. Navy. The trick will be getting each sailor to carry around a Samsung Galaxy Note 8 smartphone.

Loud sex from a nearby apartment interrupted a tennis match in Florida. Although the players bothered as they thought it just meant Maria Sharapova had returned from her suspension.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz says he won’t run for reelection in 2018. Apparently the job is no fun anymore without Hillary Clinton around to investigate.

A DUI suspect in Pennsylvania was caught with a drunk Chihuahua in his car. It was just sad to see how far the dog had fallen after being fired by Taco Bell.

A DUI suspect in Pennsylvania was caught with a drunk Chihuahua in his car. It turns out the dog identifies itself as Spuds McKenzie’s “mini-me.”

The people of Baltimore were voted as the “least attractive” in the U.S. Apparently the ballot somehow left off Cleveland, Detroit and Buffalo.

The people of Baltimore were voted as the “least attractive” in the U.S. Apparently the gaunt, pale and toothless look of meth addiction has lost its chic appeal.

Bakersfield, California has been designated the smoggiest city in the U.S. Which is good as the low visibility from the blanket of brown air keeps residents from being reminded they are in Bakersfield.

Bakersfield, California has been designated the smoggiest city in the U.S. The good news is that property values are increasing from all the Chinese immigrants who want to settle there because it reminds them so much of home.

A study says Millennials are different from other generations in every way, living at home longer, starting families later and making less money. Mostly because without enough cash it’s tough to raise a family while still living in your parents’ basement.

The Kansas students who uncovered their principal’s secret have been invited to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Apparently organizers thought it would be a nice change to have some actual journalists attend for once.

The U.S. has told North Korea “we don’t want a fight so don’t start one.” Which means they have dropped down on the “countries we want to go to war with” behind Syria, Iran and China.

Bill O’Reilly met with the Pope on his vacation to the Vatican. The embarrassing part was when the Pope read about his troubles at Fox News and gave him a penance of 12 Our Fathers and 9 Hail Marys.

DHS Chief John Kelly says the U.S. is the “Super Bowl” for ISIS terrorists. Which means soldiers will have to be careful if they leave their uniforms around after a skirmish or they might get stolen.

Sean Spicer’s predecessors say he should cool down and stick to the facts. To which Spicer’s response to the critique was “Facts?”

Sean Spicer’s predecessors say he should cool down and stick to the facts. Which will be about as effective as all the former Presidents telling Donald Trump to stop exaggerating, bragging and starting wars.

A report says Bill O’Reilly was not liked at Fox News. It was just nice to see a commentator whose behavior was exactly the same off the air as it was when he was on.

A report says Bill O’Reilly was not liked at Fox News. To which Hillary Clinton is saying there is finally something she and O’Reilly have in common.

Facebook is working on technology that will allow people to type in words just by using their brains. Which leads to trouble now when people just use their fingers to type and completely bypass their brains.

Sam’s Club is planning to try and sell more wine to boost profits. The bad part is when the cashier asks customers if they want paper or plastic, they will be referring to the wine’s container.

A report says the nation’s top bank regulator knew of the problems at Wells Fargo as early as 2010. Other regulators were sympathetic saying they can’t be blamed as they only had seven years to step in and actually try to do something about it.

A report says half of California’s hospitals get a C grade or lower when it comes to patient safety measures. Although the same report says those same hospitals all got an A+ when it came to making sure their bills got out right on time every month.

A poll says most Americans are still afraid of autonomous vehicles. Mostly because they feel better while they have something to do behind the wheel other than catch up on their texting.

PetSmart is buying out Chewy.com in what could be the biggest e-commerce deal ever. Although the CEO of Chewy.com didn’t appreciate completing the deal while the head of PetSmart stood over him saying “Stay…stay…good boy!”

PetSmart is buying out Chewy.com in what could be the biggest e-commerce deal ever. The only problem at the signing is the lawyers weren’t sure if they needed to have the papers signed or spread out on the floor.

A report says Millennial women are “ashamed” and “worried” about making more money than their boyfriends or husbands. The question men of other generations are asking is where were those women when they were looking for a wife?

A report says Millennial women are “ashamed” and “worried” about making more money than their boyfriends or husbands. The question is why don’t they have the same feelings about dating or marrying someone wearing a man bun?

A poll says Americans’ financial assessment is the most positive in a decade. Mostly because for the first time since 2007 they aren’t describing themselves as “broke,” “destitute” or “poverty stricken.”

A study says running may be socially contagious. Which has been proven time and again whenever gunfire breaks out in a crowded airport terminal.

A study says most Americans support medicinal marijuana and consider it safer than alcohol, tobacco and opioids. Especially when they need medical pot to ease the symptoms of the conditions they developed using alcohol, tobacco and opioids.

A survey says young adults prefer to use alcohol over marijuana when smoking cigarettes. Mostly because there is nothing worse than mixing up a cigarette and a joint and holding a hit of tobacco smoke in your lungs for two minutes.

A survey says most Americans approve of athletes using marijuana when it is for pain relief. To which most baseball players are asking what about the pain of losing the home run title which can only be relieved by another dose of steroids?

The new trailer is out for “Pirates of the Caribbean 5.” If nothing else, it confirms those rumors that Johnny Depp had pretty much blown all his money.

Metal band Korn is using a 12 year old bass player on their current tour. He’s the one whose dad is now referred to as Pop Korn.

Serena Williams has announced she is pregnant. In a house full of trophies from all those majors, it will be a new feeling to be joined by a minor.

Serena Williams has announced she is pregnant. That means for the next few months, the only Grand Slam event she will be taking part in will what she orders at Denny’s.

Harry Stiles of One Direction spoke of his past relationship with Taylor Swift saying he just wanted it to be a “normal date.” If you consider normal having all the details of each date spelled out in the lyrics of her next album.

Convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez had reportedly written a Bible verse on his head before committing suicide in his prison cell. It’s a pretty safe bet that verse wasn’t “Thou shalt not kill.” (Too soon? Eh. He deserved it.)

The Pacers’ Lance Stephenson says the way to stop LeBron James is “You gotta tame him.” Which will be interesting to see him come out for the team introduction carrying a whip and chair.

Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter have reportedly joined forces in an attempt to buy the Miami Marlins. Although Jeter might want to think twice about someone whose last business deal was spending $150 Million to get just three convention delegates.

The Secret Service is closing access to the sidewalk along the southern fence at the White House. Apparently they are upset about all the pedestrians who keep messing up their chalk markings they draw so they can play hopscotch.

Representative Maxine Waters says Bill O’Reilly “needs psychological help.” Which is unfortunate that she made that observation right when O’Reilly gets fired from Fox News and loses his health insurance.

George Will says Bill O’Reilly is “replaceable.” Which pretty much sounds like an inquiry as to whether Fox News is taking applications for the position.

George Will says Bill O’Reilly is “replaceable.” After all, how hard can it be to find another angry, old white man to go on an hour-long daily rant?

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says the U.S. may return North Korea to the list of state sponsors of terrorism. Which for Kim Jong-un is like being moved up to the adults’ table at Thanksgiving dinner.

The Trump Administration toughened its rhetoric with Iran this week. Which is driving Las Vegas odds makers crazy in trying to decide which one between Iran and North Korea is most likely to be the war Trump starts first.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Tax Day has come and gone. Just like most of my money. It’s nice that the federal government let’s me keep some it through the middle of April just to see what it feels like. Now I sound like one of those old, angry white guys. Hey, I’m not that old! I’m just glad that Trump is taking his time and making some careful choices before he decides which country he will use to start World War III. The good part is that after that happens money won’t really be an issue. Unless you have enough to build one of those underground nuclear-proof bunkers. In the meantime, while we are still somewhat at peace all I ask of you is to remember once in awhile to always keep on sending the love!



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