Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Stephen Baldwin says he hasn’t talked to his brother Alec since the November election. People were surprised. Someone was talking to Stephen Baldwin that recently?

Richard Simmons has been hospitalized for what was called “severe indigestion.” Wouldn’t you know that after being housebound all that time the first place he goes when he gets out is Chipotle.

 Richard Simmons has been hospitalized for what was called “severe indigestion.” Apparently he got bored and started watching some of his old “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” videos.

A survey says more than half of all taxpayers don’t understand basic tax questions about retirement, college savings and health care. Mostly because the amount they pay in taxes doesn’t allow them to have anything left for retirement, college savings or health care.

A survey says more than half of all taxpayers don’t understand basic tax questions about retirement, college savings and health care. Mostly because since 2007, most people consider those categories to all fall under the luxury tax.

A pair of Russian bombers were intercepted by U.S. fighter jets off the coast of Alaska. Fortunately, the Air Force was alerted because Sarah Palin just happened to be looking out her back yard.

United Airline’s CEO says no one will be fired over the passenger dragging incident. Mostly because he won’t take action knowing the only person that really needs to be fired is the CEO.

United Airline’s CEO says no one will be fired over the passenger dragging incident. However, there could be all kinds of layoffs from all the people who are refusing to ever fly on United again.

Malaysia Airlines will become the first to track its planes with satellites. Although at this point they should consider becoming the first to track their planes with submarines.

Scientists say the space debris problem is getting worse. To which most people say the best answer is knocking the satellites out of the sky that are responsible for beaming all the reality TV programs to Earth.

A report says Botox is being tested to help with depression and anxiety. If nothing else, it gives people the appearance of being happy because they can’t do anything but smile until it wears off.

The CEO of Netflix says the company’s biggest competitor is sleep. Which only became a problem after they signed that exclusive movie deal with Adam Sandler.

Mark Zuckerberg says Facebook is developing the concept of augmented reality. Which the Trump Administration says it may sue for copyright infringement since they have been living in a world of alternative facts since winning the election.

Some therapists are offering digital interventions for people addicted to social media at the rate of $150 an hour. Which social media addicts could afford if they could put down their smartphones long enough to get a real job.

Some therapists are offering digital interventions for people addicted to social media at the rate of $150 an hour. The problem is when the patients say they will pay with the bonanza they will soon be getting from a Nigerian Prince.

A device that can read people’s minds has been developed by scientists that they claim has 90% accuracy. Which is only when it is used on men and the machine guesses “sex.”

Bill O’Reilly’s viewership has dropped a reported 26% with the host gone on vacation. Apparently the other 74% just aren’t white, old or angry enough.

A study says pigeons can build and pass on wisdom across generations. Which explains why they keep doing what they do to statues of politicians.

Democrats are hoping for an upset victory in a special congressional election in Georgia. Although after failing to beat Donald Trump, any win has to be considered an upset.

Mike Pence assured Japan that “America is with you 100%.” Which means he is counting on them forgetting about that whole atom bomb thing back in 1945.

Defense Secretary James Mattis says North Korea’s missile test was an attempt to provoke Donald Trump. If that’s what they are trying to do, how about just having Kim Jong-un say that Trump is lying about being a billionaire.

A huge asteroid will pass within 1.1 Million miles of the Earth today. Or in astronomical terms, that is as close as a landing attempt by Harrison Ford.

A huge asteroid will pass within 1.1 Million miles of the Earth today. Or as NASA calls that, a direct hit.

Amazon’s Alexa had a glitch that listed the Met’s David Wright as being 234 years old. Apparently it mixed up his biographical information with Jamie Moyer.

The CEO of United Airlines along with other executives fielded questions about the dragged passenger from Wall Street analysts. Which everyone was good with after they were assured it would never happen to anyone flying first class.

GM’s Chevy Volt electric car will be sold as a Buick in China. Apparently the Chinese have a huge population of people who are 85 or older.

Donald Trump signed an executive order aimed at discouraging hiring low-wage foreign workers. Trump wants to make America great by making sure only Americans are hired for all those low-wage jobs.

KFC is changing its chicken sandwich preparation to improve its taste. They will now give customers ordering the sandwich directions to the nearest Wendy’s.

KFC is changing its chicken sandwich preparation to improve its taste. Apparently it has something to do with actually trying to use real chicken this time.

A report says Amber Heard wants Elon Musk to be her next husband. Apparently after dumping millionaire Johnny Depp she is ready to move up to the big leagues and see how well she can fleece a billionaire.

A report says Amber Heard wants Elon Musk to be her next husband. Living in Beverly Hills is nice but she sees now that marrying a billionaire is a way to get all the way to the White House.

United Airlines posted a strong earnings report this week. Apparently they found a brand new revenue source picking up all the change that falls out of the pockets of passengers when they are dragging them off planes.

A survey says a majority of Americans feel the wealthy and corporations are taxed too little. It’s too bad those people don’t have access to a way to choose leaders by a majority vote to represent them in Congress and change those laws.

A survey says 14% of expectant teen moms smoke pot. Apparently they want their babies to grow like a weed.

A survey says 14% of expectant teen moms smoke pot. That way they know they will make sure to always be eating for two.

A poll says 52% of Americans say they have smoked pot at some time in their life. The other 48% are assumed to have also since they never got around to finishing the survey.

A study says shooting ranges pose hidden health risks. Especially to anyone who shows up in a car with a Democratic National Committee bumper sticker.

The University of Tennessee is offering a Dolly Parton history course. It is listed under “Geology and Geography” as the course focuses on the best known pair of hills in the state.

Major League baseball says umpires may soon wear microphones to explain their rulings. The only problem is when they are drowned out by the sound of the barking of their seeing-eye dog.

Major League baseball says umpires may soon wear microphones to explain their rulings. Which St. Louis Cardinals fans have been waiting for since 1985 to hear Don Denkinger explain his call at first base.

Forbes says the average Major League Baseball team is worth $1.54 Billion. Which means that amount will even be higher for all the other owners once the Miami Marlins are sold for $2,700.

Dustin Johnson says his back is at “85 or 90%.” Which means his shoulder rotation can’t go much farther than about 430 degrees.

Wesley Bryan celebrated his win at the RBC Heritage by going to dinner at Taco Bell. Apparently he got so hungry in the final round every time he took a divot it just reminded him of a Chalupa.

Wesley Bryan celebrated his win at the RBC Heritage by going to dinner at Taco Bell. Apparently he wanted Mexican food because all he could think of during the final round was making a hole in Juan.

Wesley Bryan celebrated his win at the RBC Heritage by going to dinner at Taco Bell. After several key up-and-downs in the final round he wanted to compare chips.

Facebook says Messenger could become the Yellow Pages of messaging. To which everyone under 40 is asking “What are the ‘Yellow Pages’?”

Yahoo beat Wall Street expectations in the first quarter of 2017. Mostly because Wall Street has consistently expected Yahoo to go bankrupt since 1997.

E-Sports will be a medal event at the 2022 Asian Games. Which to contestants means winning will get them a pizza made with Gold Medal flour.

Donald Trump says “you always have to be concerned about nuclear war” with North Korea. Or with anyone who insults him on Twitter.

Donald Trump says “you always have to be concerned about nuclear war” with North Korea. Mostly because the rest of their military is made up of left over World War II rifles, some Samurai swords and a few slingshots.

Senate Democrats are saying Donald Trump’s border wall could cost up to $70 Billion. Which is a real dilemma for Trump as that would make him have to cut back on one of the wars he has already planned to start.

A report says Bill O’Reilly may not return to Fox News. Apparently it is just too tough to work at a place where all your female co-workers prefer to be called “witness for the plaintiff.”

A report says Bill O’Reilly may not return to Fox News. Apparently he is looking to work for a company that has a staff that would provide a less hostile work environment for him. Like anything located in Silicon Valley.

Bernie Sanders says he doesn’t consider himself a Democrat. Mostly because he came close to actually pulling off a win in the last election.

The Alabama Senate is pushing a bill that would allow death row inmates to be executed using nitrogen. They were considering using nitrous oxide but all the laughing would make it seem like being put to death was too much fun.

The Alabama Senate is pushing a bill that would allow death row inmates to be executed using nitrogen. If that doesn’t pass they may try it with helium because it would be fun to hear the prisoners’ final words come out in a funny voice.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad (and maybe not) news from the NFL with the death of Aaron Hernandez. Here was a guy who was a phenomenal football player who went nuts and just decided to pretty much kill anyone who pissed him off. Fortunately none of my acquaintances have shown that tendency yet. He murdered at least one person and was acquitted of two others. That is one bad dude. I would be willing to bet if they do an autopsy they would find some sort of brain disease already in the making. He had signed a $40 Million contract and spent his last years in prison and his final moments hanging himself with a sheet. It is sad to see someone with such a great future and so much talent end up going in that direction. Such a total waste. I just hope you are all doing well and that even on your bad days you still remember to always keep on sending the love!


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