Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An analyst says the situation with North Korea is like the “Cuban missile crisis in slow motion.” If it’s in slow motion compared to Castro who kept it up for another 50 years, just how long are we going to be dealing with Kim Jong-un?

A survey says kids are too busy playing video games to have sex. That and the fact they are always playing video games means there is only pretty much room for one on the couch.

A survey says kids are too busy playing video games to have sex. That and because with Uber around teenagers don’t need to have a car so unlike their parents and grandparents, no one has access to a backseat.

A survey says women prefer reading a book or knitting to having sex. Mostly because they like to be involved in activities that take more than three minutes.

A Blackhawk helicopter crashed on a golf course in Maryland. No one even knew that Harrison Ford had gotten a license to fly choppers.

Two New Yorkers set a VR binge viewing session record with 50 straight hours. Or as most couples know that, a perfect weekend.

A study says more Americans are suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. Which is surprising to many psychologists who thought most of that would have disappeared once the Cubs finally won the World Series.

A study says more Americans are suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. Mostly after finding out that stress, anxiety and depression are no longer covered under what is left of their health care plan.

A study says more Americans are suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. To which most psychologists are telling them to treat it they need to turn off the TV any time they see Sean Spicer on the screen.

A Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested in New York for boarding a plane with a loaded handgun. Apparently he misunderstood the other crew members who said they were looking forward to having their usual shots in the cockpit.

A Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested in New York for boarding a plane with a loaded handgun. Apparently Southwest has come up with an alternative method to United in dealing with overbooked passengers.

The Prime Minister of Japan says his country is planning for an influx of refugees from the Korean crisis. So Trump’s idea to keep refugees out of the U.S. is to start disasters too far away for them to be able to come here.

North Korea is accusing the U.S. of creating the situation of potential nuclear war. That’s nothing new. Most people have been saying since we elected Donald Trump.

Mike Pence has told North Korea the “Era of strategic patience is over.” Which lasted about three months longer than most people expected.

The IRS says it audits the President and Vice President every year. Which just gives Donald Trump a new excuse for not releasing any returns over the next four years.

United Airlines and Chicago have agreed to preserve evidence over the dragged passenger incident. Which is too bad for the victim who was hoping his knocked out teeth would be returned so he could have them eventually replaced.

United Airlines and Chicago have agreed to preserve evidence over the dragged passenger incident. Which isn’t all that necessary anymore on a flight with 200 cellphones that were all simultaneously taping the assault.

United Airlines and Chicago have agreed to preserve evidence over the dragged passenger incident. If the video and medical reports aren’t enough, there are also the first two insincere, fake apologies issued by United.

IKEA says it may introduce a restaurant chain. It will be the one where customers have to assemble their own table and chairs.

Experts say that Donald Trump’s travel policies are hurting the “U.S. brand.” Which Trump doesn’t care about as long as it doesn’t prevent any tourists who have booked their plans at Mar-a-Lago.

A study says 1 in 3 Americans don’t understand basic financial terms. Mostly because the only ones they are familiar with are “foreclosure,” “bankruptcy” and “repossession.”

Boeing says it will lay off hundreds of engineers this week. Mostly the ones in charge of designing ways to exit the plane now that United just has the police throw all the passengers down onto the tarmac.

United Airlines is changing its policy where crew members can no longer displace seated passengers. Which means the police will only be called in to beat up those fliers who are still standing.

The IRS is hiring private debt collectors to chase down unpaid taxes. So far they have gotten immediate results with tax evaders after sending over someone from the passenger reassignment division of United Airlines.

There is a new oldest woman in the world, a 117 year old from Jamaica. They know the Jamaican records of her age are legitimate because in recent years she has had to cut back to only working four jobs every day.

A mother in the UK says she had a stroke triggered by taking birth control pills. Which just delayed the inevitable if she didn’t take the pills and eventually ended up with some teenagers.

A study says there has been significant improvement in the reading skills of first graders in the U.S. over the past decade. The only problem is thanks to smartphones they can read but only when it involves abbreviations, acronyms and emojis.

The CDC says the flu season in the U.S. is all but over. Which means people can go back to their regular health fears of heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure.

A study says teenagers do better at school when it starts later. Which most kids say should be sometime after they turn 13 or 14.

A study says teenagers do better at school when it starts later. Although students say any sleep issues are usually taken care of during their first three classes.

The President of Turkmenistan says he is aiming for his country to be tobacco free by 2025. Apparently they want their people healthier so they can spend more time working to cultivate the country’s main exports of heroin, opium and morphine.

The President of Turkmenistan says he is aiming for his country to be tobacco free by 2025. By eliminating cigarettes, health experts predict the nation’s life expectancy could increase all the way to 36.

Easter weekend was celebrated online with several pictures posted by celebrities. The ones getting the most likes were the ones showing that the Easter bunny didn’t deliver nearly as many eggs to homes as Justin Bieber.

MTV is launching a “TRL” style of program called “MTV Live.” So the cable channel is going back 20 years in time. If this trend continues, in another decade what could be next, music videos?

Speechwriter Cody Keenan says he helped with 3,577 speeches and statements from President Obama. Which led to 3,577 rebuttals, contradictions and condemnations that had to immediately be put together by the speechwriters of Mitch McConnell.

Melissa Etheridge says she has smoked pot with her kids. Mostly the time she had to tell them their father is David Crosby.

“Star Wars” is celebrating its 40th anniversary. The original movie was issued so long ago that Harrison Ford could actually land the Millennium Falcon without ending up on the wrong runway.

“Star Wars” is celebrating its 40th anniversary. The main difference is now when Han Solo wants to keep stormtroopers from boarding the Millennium Falcon, he just says he is overbooked and calls United Airlines security.

Quarterback Derek Carr says True fans will stick with the Raiders even after they move to Las Vegas. Just like all three Chargers fans have bought jerseys featuring the team’s new L.A. logo.

Quarterback Derek Carr says True fans will stick with the Raiders even after they move to Las Vegas. It’s just like how they still visit their family members even after they have been moved from Folsom to San Quentin.

Andre Johnson will sign a one-day contract with Houston so he can retire as a Texan. Mostly on the advice of Eli Manning so he can take all his uniforms on the field and sell them off as being game-worn.

An ex-NFL agent has pleaded guilty to giving cash to three former players from UNC. Apparently he gave them the money to sign with him and also use it to pay the tuition for all their phony classes.

Andrew Luck says the decision to have shoulder surgery was his. In other words all he said was that he is older than 10.

Andrew Luck says the decision to have shoulder surgery was his. However, the team still reserved the right to make the decision after the surgery to make him keep taking all his painkillers.

Uber says it may start in-app tipping. That’s if the driver is good. If the driver does something wrong, the app will allow them to call CEO Travis Kalanick so he can personally abuse them on Facebook Live.

The CEO of Snapchat is under fire for saying the app is only for “rich people.” Mostly because the only people who use Snapchat are the ones who can afford a smartphone and don’t have to work so they can just post selfies all day.

Mastodon is being hailed as the next big social media site. It got its name as after about a year of being hot it will end just up as just another dinosaur.

Analysts say Apple will be worth $824 Billion this year. Its current value is around $750 Billion, which means they can achieve the new mark if they can just sell another three iPads and four iPhones.

Robert Taylor, who helped pioneer the Internet has died at age 85. Ironically, no one under 30 even knows who he is as he didn’t have a Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat account.

Donald Trump congratulated the President of Turkey on winning a referendum that gave him sweeping new powers. Or as Trump calls a vote that gives unlimited power to the winner, an election.

Maryland Senator Ben Cardin says he doesn’t know if Donald Trump knows what his own policy on North Korea is. Which is pretty much the same policy as we have with every country to do what we tell them or get nuked.

An ethics expert says the Trump Administration is the least transparent in decades. To which most Americans disagree, saying they have been able to see through Trump since the 1970s.

A former Internet psychic is running against Iowa congressman Steve King. Which means no one will be sure who anyone is supporting when they say they are going to vote for the crazy one.

A former Internet psychic is running against Iowa congressman Steve King. People are planning to vote for her just to see a congressional debate where a House member is making their point by channeling Miss Cleo.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is officially Tax Day. Or as it is known to the millions of Americans who no longer get a paycheck every couple of weeks, “Tuesday.” I still am lucky enough to get a paycheck for now. But not from here. I do this just because I am a glutton for punishment. And because no one can ask for their money back. All I ever request, as usual is for all of you to once in awhile remember to keep on sending the love!



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