Sunday, April 16, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Food dispensing machines will replace all cafeteria workers at SUNY Orange. The bad news is the school’s employment rate for graduates will now drop by half.

A report says leaked NSA malware is threatening Windows users around the world. Which in the case of Windows Vista, no one will be able to tell when it is deactivated anyway.

The Navy is banning e-cigarettes from ships and aircraft because of reports of exploding batteries. Which means the military version of a suicide bomber is a sailor who vapes while talking on a Samsung phone.

A report says women-dominated jobs are growing at twice the rate of jobs with a majority of men. In other words, every part of the country is seeing a boom in employment other than Silicon Valley.

A report says women-dominated jobs are growing at twice the rate of jobs with a majority of men. Mostly because you don’t need to be a math genius to know you can hire more people when your payroll suddenly falls by 21%.

Apple has secured a permit to test self-driving cars on public roads in California. Which means on the 405 Freeway that consists of a car that can shift itself into park.

A study says happiness is the highest for people who are at age 23 and 69. Mostly because at 23 people are looking for their first job out of college, and at 69 they are finally making their last payment on their tuition loans.

A study says happiness is the highest for people who are at age 23 and 69. Especially when a 69 year old billionaire is getting ready to marry a 23 year old super model.

Experts say children as young as 13 are being treated for addiction to smartphones. Those are mostly in the households that are behind the times where kids weren’t exposed to cellphones until they were 10.

Experts say children as young as 13 are being treated for addiction to smartphones. Which are scoffed at by more technologically proficient households where kids have already had their first cellphone intervention by the second grade.

A study says the more time toddlers spend with touchscreen devices, the more likely they will have sleep problems. The good news is that when the kids are occupied by the devices is the only time the parents ever get a good night’s sleep.

U.S. Olympic swimmer Dana Vollmer is competing while six months pregnant. Although some of her rivals are complaining she is getting extra help on the final laps every time her baby starts to kick.

U.S. Olympic swimmer Dana Vollmer is competing while six months pregnant. Ironically her best event while with child is the Australian Crawl.

A federal judge in California says her alcoholism didn’t affect her case results. Although anyone charged with drunk driving who appears before her can claim as their defense they were sober as a judge.

A federal judge in California says her alcoholism didn’t affect her case results. Her claim is that when she was on the bench justice was blind. At least blind drunk.

A federal judge in California says her alcoholism didn’t affect her case results. Her technique was to look at the defendant and proclaim the guilty party was the one in the middle.

A federal judge in California says her alcoholism didn’t affect her case results. Her defense is that after looking at some of the decisions by the Supreme Court she can’t be any worse.

A Navy Seal is being investigated for moonlighting as a porn star. He was caught after the release of his latest movie titled “Mother of all Bombs (In My Pants).”

Donald Trump has nominated a congressman who supports closing the Export-Import Bank to head the credit agency. He has done the same thing with the EPA, Education and Energy. That is like making Kirstie Alley CEO of Weight Watchers.

Donald Trump has nominated a congressman who supports closing the Export-Import Bank to head the credit agency. He has done the same thing with the EPA, Education and Energy. That is like putting Charlie Sheen in charge of mental health.

Delta Airlines says customers can get up to nearly $10,000 to give up a seat on an overbooked flight. Which means they are going back to the days where passengers only need to be worried about being roughed up by the TSA.

Delta Airlines says customers can get up to nearly $10,000 to give up a seat on an overbooked flight. Although that doesn’t beat United where getting thrown off the plane will result in the airline writing out a check for millions.

Delta Airlines says customers can get up to nearly $10,000 to give up a seat on an overbooked flight. The bad news is that the fare for flights from New York City to Chicago on Delta is now $10,000.

Uber may be facing a fine in California for ignoring drunk driving complaints. Which they say is explained by their new motto, “We get the DUI so you don’t have to.”

Uber may be facing a fine in California for ignoring drunk driving complaints. Mostly because their drivers get drunk when realizing the only money they will ever make in the gig economy is hustling for Uber, Airbnb and Grubhub.

J.C. Penney is delaying the closing of 138 stores because of an increase in business during their closing sale. Management’s reasoning is that after waiting 20 years too long to close the stores, what’s another few weeks?

Data says 31% of credit card holders are not redeeming their rewards. Mostly because the other 69% have no time to use them for a flight or hotel room while they are working three jobs to pay off their credit card debt.

A study says losing a job could increase the risk of having a fatal stroke. Mostly after looking at the want ads and seeing there is nothing available that pays above minimum wage.

Tennessee is making college free for “older adults.” Which means people who don’t need it after living long enough to pay off their college loans.

Tennessee is making college free for “older adults.” Mostly because it doesn’t pay to make it available for younger people in a state where the average 3rd grader is 17.

An 8 month old baby in India is baffling doctors by already weighing 38 pounds. The good news is that the parents are thinking of moving to the U.S. where the baby will already be accepted as an honorary citizen.

Experts say that people should let someone else pick their photo for a dating site. Which will give women on the sites a break from having to look at younger photos of middle age men with a perm, granny glasses and lime green leisure suit.

Experts say that people should let someone else pick their photo for a dating site. Which for men means finding someone who will submit a picture of George Clooney.

Experts say that people should let someone else pick their photo for a dating site. Mostly because people are just wasting their money when they go looking for a potential mate with a bathroom selfie.

A lawsuit aims to ban hotdogs and processed meat from L.A. schools. Now all they need to do is work on banning the guns, knives and heroin.

Nevada has introduced syringe vending machines to fight the heroin crisis there. The bad part is they are creating a bigger health crisis by leasing space in the machines to companies selling potato chips, candy bars and sodas.

Arkansas is rushing to execute seven death row inmates as their lethal injection drugs expire at the end of the month. Which is just another problem that the Republicans didn’t see coming when they repealed Obamacare.

Arkansas is rushing to execute seven death row inmates as their lethal injection drugs expire at the end of the month. Which prison officials say the haste is necessary because if the drugs expire, the inmates won’t.

Arkansas is rushing to execute seven death row inmates as their lethal injection drugs expire at the end of the month. The inmates are actually in favor of the move, saying the last thing they want is a life sentence to be carried out in Arkansas.

Andy Karl, the star of the Broadway musical version of “Groundhog Day” injured his knee during a preview performance. The really strange part is that he also injured the same knee the day before, and the day before that…

Victoria Beckham has trademarked the name of her five year old daughter Harper Seven Beckham. Who is going to want to steal the use of that name other than someone making up the name of an English train stop?

Eli Manning is being accused of pawning off phony game-worn gear as authentic. He was caught when it was discovered the only person putting in more orders for replacement game day jerseys was Tom Brady.

Fox has announced it will air 45 hours of coverage of the U.S. Open at Erin Hills. Mostly for the time it will take at the beginning of their daily coverage to give directions on how to get to Erin Hills.

Fox has announced it will air 45 hours of coverage of the U.S. Open at Erin Hills. Mostly for the time it will take Joe Buck to figure out exactly which sport it is.

Uber says its bookings doubled in 2016. Mostly for people calling for two cars figuring that there is a chance that at least one of the drivers will be sober.

Facebook has shut down 30,000 fake accounts ahead of the French presidential election. They knew to eliminate any of the ones that were obviously phony because their content was polite and respectful.

Google has reportedly taught computers to draw using sketches made by humans. The good news is that the software has been accepted to art school because of its rendition of Tippy the Turtle.

A report says Uber lost $2.8 Billion in 2016. Which means the company should explore the old method of payments for ride sharing of gas, grass or ass.

Facebook is buying newspaper ads to fight fake news. The only problem is that when Facebook users heard the idea, their response was “What’s a newspaper?”

A Republican congressman talking about the rollback of FCC privacy rules says “Nobody’s got to use the Internet.” Unfortunately for him, the only votes he will be getting next election are from his three constituents who don’t.

A Republican congressman talking about the rollback of FCC privacy rules says “Nobody’s got to use the Internet.” Although maybe he should consider going online and maybe taking a remedial course in English grammar.

A Republican congressman talking about the rollback of FCC privacy rules says “Nobody’s got to use the Internet.” Which sounds strange coming from someone whose party wouldn’t have the White House if it weren’t for Twitter.

The last person born in the 19th century has died at age 117 in Italy saying she attributed her old age to eating three raw eggs a day and staying single. Although maybe she wouldn’t have been single if she had ever learned how to cook an egg.

A report says Jared Kushner found White House economic adviser Peter Navarro by browsing through Amazon.com. What’s even better is that as a member of Amazon Prime, Kushner was able to have Navarro delivered by free two day shipping.

Donald Trump is claiming he is immune from a lawsuit for inciting violence at rallies. The only question now is whether he can be held responsible for starting a world war over Twitter.

Donald Trump is claiming he is immune from a lawsuit for inciting violence at rallies. His reasoning is that it is impossible to tell where his campaign strategy ends and inciting riots begins.

Donald Trump and the Republican Party have already raised $7.1 Million for the 2020 election. They need to raise more money this time because their success in 2016 has caused the price of hiring Russian hackers to skyrocket.

April the giraffe has finally given birth two months past her due date. To which she is telling impatient Internet followers “Let’s see you squeeze out a six foot tall baby on time.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tuesday is Income Tax Day. Which means I owe each and every one of you thanks for making it possible for me to avoid paying taxes on this site because I never make a dime from it. That is very considerate of all of you and it shows that you get what you pay for. A good lesson for all of us. I keep working on the premise that some day this hobby will pay off. At least it isn’t as much of a fantasy as the same one that college graduates have after paying $100,000 for their diploma. But money isn’t the important thing. Which is what people like me say who don’t have a lot of it. What does count is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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