Friday, April 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Lansing, Michigan has backed out of a decision to declare itself a sanctuary city. Apparently it’s hard to offer anyone sanctuary when you are located that close to an urban war zone like Detroit.

An Oklahoma congressman told his constituents they don’t pay his salary. Being in Congress, his pay comes mostly from campaign donors, special interest groups and lobbyists.

FBI Director James Comey says people should be aware of agenda-driven fake news. As opposed to agenda driven government officials who announce investigations being reopened on a presidential candidate to sway an election.

Bill O’Reilly is taking a vacation from his show, going to the Vatican for two weeks. Mostly so he can get advice from the people who know best how to make it through a sex scandal.

Bill O’Reilly is taking a vacation from his show, going to the Vatican for two weeks. Although after meeting with the Pope, getting through this sexual harassment scandal is going to take more than three Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.

Adam State has become the first college to sigh a woman to a football scholarship. The strange part was when athletic officials gave her a tour of the campus and were stumped when she actually asked where the classrooms were located.

The United passenger who was dragged off a flight suffered a concussion, broken nose and two lost teeth. United says it is embarrassed by the news. That is supposed to be the job of the TSA.

Mitch McConnell says “hopefully” tax reform will pass this year. After that, Congress can get back to work on the other issues it has failed on like the border wall, health care, travel ban, beating ISIS, the infrastructure, jobs…

A report says more U.S. hospitals are pushing for patients to pay before they receive care. Mostly because it is a little awkward to hedge the outcome by getting them to scribble the amount they owe into their wills.

Beijing is planning to use facial recognition to prevent cheating at a Marathon. Like in the U.S. where they take pictures of competitors arriving and disqualify anyone for cheating who started the race with Oreo cookie crumbs all around their mouth.   

Beijing is planning to use facial recognition to prevent cheating at a Marathon. Apparently they disqualify anyone whose picture matches up with an old photo they have of Rosie Ruiz.

A study says Artificial Intelligence programs exhibit racial and gender bias. Although the computers mask their feelings behind code words like when an Apple says it just isn’t “compatible” with hardware made by Microsoft.

A study says Artificial Intelligence programs exhibit racial and gender bias. The software says that it was due to its upbringing and environment as it was created and raised in Silicon Valley.

A Japanese company is offering silent taxi service where the driver only talks if the passenger requests it. As opposed to the U.S. where a conversation is automatically started when a fare gets in a cab and asks “What is that smell?”

Experts say that dating apps have increased the risk of STDs. That can be a very expensive relationship for the cost of the date, medical expenses and losing half what you own when you pass it along to your wife.

A United Airlines passenger flying to Canada was stung by a scorpion. Which shows the airline has learned its lesson and found a new method to convince people to get off the plane.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he is “surprised” Americans are not embracing his anti-marijuana stance. Apparently he is finding that only the staunch Donald Trump supporters are the ones who don’t want to take the country back to 1955.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he is “surprised” Americans are not embracing his anti-marijuana stance. To which the people living in states where pot has been legalized are saying “Huh?”

The U.S. dropped the largest non-nuclear bomb in history on Afghanistan. The only question is after the fact how could anyone even tell?

Religious groups are helping transform addiction from a moral failure to a treatable disease. Which is ironic as that is the same way atheists look at organized religion.

A 3 year old Missouri girl asked her parents for a poop-themed birthday party. Although they had to explain to her that birthdays really aren’t looked at like that until after people have had 40 of them.

A report says no signs of foul play have been found in the death of a New York judge found in the Hudson River. Mostly because the cause of death for bodies floating in the Hudson is always automatically determined to be the result of natural causes.

An analysis says Americans will spend $18.4 Billion on Easter candy. Which breaks down to $1 Billion for the candy and the rest for their kids’ resulting dental bills.

An author says Baby Boomers have ruined America. Which is a bold statement considering Donald Trump has barely gotten started on his presidency.

United Airlines says about the incident where a passenger was forcibly removed from a plane that they will take “immediate, concrete action.” Meaning next time the police will just throw any offending passengers onto the concrete.

The CEO of McDonald’s was paid $15.4 Million last year which included perqs like contributions to a retirement plan. Although most people would say making $15.4 Million in one year is pretty much a retirement plan.

A poll says Americans name dissatisfaction with the government as the nation’s top problem. Mostly the ones who voted for the presidential candidate who says he is pretty much just going to eliminate the entire government in the first place.

Target is recalling a half million Easter toys because they pose a “serious ingesting hazard.” The only question is why are they still selling Easter candy which pretty much does the same thing?

The country’s first public syringe vending machine have been installed in Las Vegas to prevent the spread of HIV. The only bad part is the machines come with a lever to pull to get the needles and have an optional button to try for double or nothing.

A Chinese woman who lost her nose and lips to an infection 25 years ago is about to get them surgically replaced. Fortunately, she qualified for a program to pick from the 1970s leftovers from the personal collection of Cher.

A study says losing weight could help in reducing the number of migraine headaches a person suffers. Although you know it’s time to lose weight when you start getting headaches because your jaw is worn out from chewing all day.

Sylvester Stallone is suing Warner Brothers for cheating him out of profits from his 1993 movie “Demolition Man.” Hollywood insiders were surprised. “Demolition Man” made a profit?

Sylvester Stallone is suing Warner Brothers for accounting methods that cheated him out of profits from the movie “Demolition Man.” To which the studio says the problem is they used the same company that tallies the Oscar Best Picture votes.

The Baseball Hall of Fame says it is lacking artifacts from the Cubs World Series win. After 108 years between championships, if they want artifacts how about some of their season ticket holders?

The University of Washington basketball player who broke the scoring record last year was drafted first by the WNBA. She now has to determine if that will be a more lucrative career move than using her college degree to land a minimum wage job.

The Seattle Seahawks want to trade Marshawn Lynch to the Raiders. Since Lynch has already retired, the Raiders are willing to make it an even deal for Charles Woodson.

Kansas freshman Josh Jackson has pleaded not guilty to vandalism. The university is willing to look the other way when it comes to vandalism, but only when it involves cutting down nets.

A future Apple Watch could monitor blood sugar for diabetics. Which would be a nice payback for the people who develop the condition from sitting in front of an iMac all day.

Cadillac has developed the first true hands-free self-driving technology. Which will come in handy when the people who know how to  text, play video games and use a navigational system are old enough to want to buy a Cadillac.

A report says San Jose is the most competitive housing market in the country. Which is ironic in that it is the first competition ever won by people who went through school always being the last ones picked for any teams.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos in a letter to shareholders revealed the secrets to being successful in business. Which has something to do with taking billions in salary while paying minimum wage to workers for a company that has yet to see a profit.

The Secret Service has fired two agents over the White House fence jumping episode. Which caused a real panic among all the agents until it was specified which of the fifteen recent fence jumping incidents they were referring to.

The Secret Service has fired two agents over the White House fence jumping episode. Which means agents need to remember to lock the back door before they go off to get drunk and consort with prostitutes.

The U.S. dropped what it calls the “Mother of all Bombs” on Afghanistan. Which prompted the response from an Afghan official who said “I’ll be the son of a gun.”

CIA Director Mike Pompeo called WikiLeaks a “hostile intelligence agency.” Which is turning the CIA into an incompetent intelligence agency that can’t do anything to stop a web site run by a refugee living in an Ecuadoran embassy.

FBI Director James Comey says he will allow access to the agency’s New York offices for a TV series. Apparently he likes the idea of how much having a reality TV show has done for the political career of Donald Trump.

FBI Director James Comey says he will allow access to the agency’s New York offices for a TV series. Which will make for a great crossover episode when Khloe Kardashian starts dating one of the special agents.

The White House is conducting a survey of which government agencies people would like to see eliminated. The Secret Service seems most at risk as they are the people in charge of seeing that President Trump makes it in to work every day.

Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort was cited for 13 health violations in January. Mostly from what was found left in the room that was used by the Secret Service.

Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort was cited for 13 health violations in January. Mostly from what health inspectors found after they went through the room Trump used when he got a haircut.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the weekend and time for a much needed break. I understand what it can be like for all of you who come to check out these jokes every day. But don’t worry, I will be back again on Monday to write about all the things wrong with the world. Which between Donald Trump, the Kardashians and United Airlines there is always something to write about. Enjoy your time off and make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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