Thursday, April 13, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A checklist in a University of Minnesota dorm reportedly helps students identify their “white privilege.” Mostly that they are college students living in a dorm at the University of Minnesota.

The Alabama Senate has approved a local church establishing their own law enforcement department. The only problem is that now there are never any donuts on Sunday morning left over for the parishioners.

The Alabama Senate has approved a local church establishing their own law enforcement department. The worst part for church-goers is being patted down while the plate is passed to make sure no one is holding back on their donations.

The Alabama Senate has approved a local church establishing their own law enforcement department. Mostly because the minister wants to enforce their right to be silent during his sermon.

A study says an hour of running may add seven hours to a person’s life. The only problem is that extra time is usually spent trying to catch their breath.

A study says crying babies can reduce household income by 11%. Which explains why flight attendants on crowded planes are always complaining about their low wages.

Donald Trump says Steve Bannon is not his brain. Which anyone close to Trump knows that his brain is powered by the hamster on a wheel he keeps hidden under his hair.

A report says Puerto Rico is sliding towards bankruptcy. Which is good to see that things haven’t changed there since about 1898.

A poll says Ivanka Trump is the best liked White House staff member. Although when working with Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway, the CEO of United could win a popularity contest.

Shia LaBeouf  says he will live alone in a cabin in Finland for a month. The sad part is that when he watches a movie, there will still be more people in attendance than saw his latest film.

The Dodge Challenger SRT Demon boasts 840 horsepower and only one seat. How fat have we gotten where only one person can fit in a car and it still takes more than 800 horses to haul them around?

The Dodge Challenger SRT Demon boasts 840 horsepower and only one seat. It only needs one seat because most people decline the offer to be driven around in a Chrysler product knowing that at some point they will need to get out and walk.

An 85 year old Nepali man is going to attempt to become the oldest person to climb Mt. Everest. Apparently he feels good because he is so used to climbing while carrying around oxygen, like every time he goes up a flight of stairs.

An 85 year old Nepali man is going to attempt to become the oldest person to climb Mt. Everest. At least that’s how old he’ll be when he starts out. By the time he summits he will be at least 87.

A poll says Donald Trump’s approval rate is at 47%. Which is good because that is still higher than the number he got during the election.

The CEO of United Airlines says he “feels shame” over the incident where a passenger was dragged off a plane. He should feel even more shame in making millions of dollars a year to justify how United does business.

The CEO of United Airlines says he “feels shame” over the incident where a passenger was dragged off a plane. He feels so bad that for a minute he almost considered going back to the policy of handing out free peanuts during flights.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says relations between the U.S. and Russia have reached a “low point.” Which is really bad for Donald Trump as losing Russia’s support could mean an end to his bid for reelection.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says the Assad family reign in Syria is “coming to an end.” Which means the administration’s goal will be reached where the most powerful oppressive family in control will be at the White House.

Melania Trump has won a $3 Million judgment against a British tabloid over claims about her modeling career. She had a very successful career, reaching the ultimate goal of all super models. She married a billionaire.

United CEO Oscar Munoz was recently named PR Week’s Communicator of the Year. Now the only comment anyone wants to hear communicating is “I resign.”

United CEO Oscar Munoz was recently named PR Week’s Communicator of the Year. Apparently it was based on his ability to scream at the top of his lungs “Get off the plane now!”

A report says one in five renters have no interest in ever owning a home. Mostly because they have no interest in spending the next 30 years paying off all the mortgage interest.

A report says one in five renters have no interest in ever owning a home. Mostly because they are getting used to the idea of having some disposable cash by staying right where they are in the darkened existence of their parents’ basement.

A study says CEOs just got their largest pay raise in the past three years. Which is good news for United CEO Oscar Munoz who might have to make that money last a few years while he looks around for another job.

United Airlines says it won’t use police to remove passengers from planes anymore. Which may be why flight attendants have been recently seen arming themselves with tasers.

United Airlines says it won’t use police to remove passengers from planes anymore. Apparently they will only do that on flights that are carrying players on an NHL team and will just call on some assistance from the enforcer.

A report says airlines are making travel easier for people with autism. Those are usually the ones who sit through the entire flight saying “Qantas never crashed.”

A study says Bay Area companies are among those paying workers the highest wages. Mostly because making $100,000 a year pretty much covers the rent for a refrigerator box near Fisherman’s Wharf.

Data says 95% of all Americans bought something at Wal-Mart last year. The way things are going with the economy, pretty soon it will be 95% of all Americans are working at Wal-Mart.

The CEO of United Airlines says the incident where a passenger was forcibly removed from a plane “will never happen again.” That is because of corporate policy change, management training and the newly installed ejection seats.

A trans fat ban in New York is being credited with saving lives. Until now, people thought trans fat was the result of Caitlyn Jenner skipping her daily workouts.

A report says Americans spent $16 Billion on cosmetic surgery last year. Mostly because their health insurance company won’t pay for their medical treatments so they are using the cash they have to look good at their funeral.

Taiwan has banned the eating of dog and cat meat. Which is different than in Korea where owning a kennel also requires having a food vendor’s license.

 Taiwan has banned the eating of dog and cat meat. When you go to a baseball game in Taiwan and the vendor yells out “Dogs here!” he really means dogs here.

Harry Connick, Jr. is set to sing the National Anthem at the Kentucky Derby next month. Security will be on the lookout for Colin Kaepernick who is rumored to be making an appearance just so he can take a neigh.

John Geils, founder of the J. Geils Band has died at age 71. His last words were that love may be bad but it’s death that really stinks.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag from “The Hills” are expecting their first baby. After that they will see if they can follow that up by finding their first job.

MTV is reviving “Fear Factor” which will be hosted by rapper Ludacris. Although if they really wanted to bring back a show involving fear they should make contestants live in a house with the cast of “Jersey Shore.”

Savannah State University is considering dropping down to Division II. Apparently they are trying to finally give themselves a chance at a national championship in their strongest events of field hockey, bowling and badminton.

The Chicago Cubs were presented with their World Series rings this week. After 108 years between ‘Series wins, the team has been waiting for a ring longer than Oprah.

St. Louis is suing the NFL over the relocation of the Rams. Although it’s going to be hard to find a jury that would penalize anyone for wanting to move from Missouri to Los Angeles.

St. Louis is suing the NFL over the relocation of the Rams. The league is taking a page from United Airlines and saying they were only “re-accommodated.”

St. Louis is suing the NFL over the relocation of the Rams to L.A. Although since the team originally moved to St. Louis from L.A. in 1995, the move is being allowed under the league’s “loaner” rule.

A game between the Marlins and Braves was delayed a half hour when a bank of lights went out. Which explains why the Marlins are for sale when the owners can’t even keep up with the team’s power bill.

Microsoft has withdrawn its support from Windows Vista. Which is exactly the same thing their customers already did back in 2006.

Scientists are offering an explanation why shoes become untied and a solution. Has anyone ever heard of Velcro?

Google has produced hundreds of thousands of documents disputing claims of unequal pay at the company. Although it would be a lot easier if they would instead just turn over some of the paychecks.

Google has produced hundreds of thousands of documents disputing claims of unequal pay at the company. Although the court wasn’t impressed since it was just the number listed at the top of the page from doing a search on Google.

The Department of Veterans Affairs says a Washington, D.C. VA hospital is “putting patients at an unnecessary risk.” Which wouldn’t be an issue if the same thing weren’t done to all those solders in the first place by the military.

A report says Donald Trump’s security at Mar-a-Lago has already cost Florida $4 Million. Mostly from having to frisk everyone, as ever since adopting the Stand Your Ground defense even the resort’s bus boys are coming to work packing heat.

 Martin O’Malley is planning to visit New Hampshire amid speculation he will run for President in 2020. Mostly so he can see how low his numbers are so he doesn’t have to stick around past the early New Hampshire primary.

The federal government is planning on lifting its full hiring freeze. Which is good news for Steve Bannon who looks like he is about one more argument with Jared Kushner from having to update his resume again.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator while taking a tour of an affordable housing development. Which meant for the twenty minutes until he was rescued it was like the 2016 presidential campaign all over again.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator while taking a tour of an affordable housing development. Which at least explains why the housing there was so affordable.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator while taking a tour of an affordable housing development. Which was a coincidence in that just like his political career, all the buttons said “down.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There is nothing that makes me happier as a writer and a traveler than seeing United Airlines take it in the shorts. Who would have thought that dragging a doctor off a flight he paid for by the police could possibly have had some negative feedback? Then the CEO sends out two e-mails blaming the passenger before finally realizing maybe he should apologize. This was  total meltdown from the people who made the call to remove the passenger up through the ranks to the top. Which shows why no one should fly with such a piece of crap airline that has no empathy or soul and more importantly no remorse about anything they do. The CEO apologized to save his own ass. I hope they fire that moron and that their entire fleet is grounded because people just won’t take it anymore. It’s called Karma, folks. And if it really exists I am in for some real problems at some point but at least I am seeing United get their first. Now after going through an entire rant all I want to point out that all I ever ask from you is to just remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: