Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump’s border wall will reportedly get its start in San Diego. Residents in Los Angeles are upset that they waited until after the Chargers were able to make the move north.

A poll says Bernie Sanders is the most popular Senator in the country. Although asking who are the most popular members of Congress is kind of like a survey to determine which is the most likeable Baldwin brother.

A report says China leads the world in state sponsored executions. To which Texas is saying that is just making them have to try a little harder to catch up.

A report says China leads the world in state sponsored executions. Although it would make more sense to make some cash by turning it over to a commercial sponsor that made their name by killing people. Takata air bags.

Hawaiian representative Tulsi Gabbard says about the attack on Syria that we “need to learn from Iraq. Which is a real stretch, considering we still haven’t learned a thing from 9/11, the economic meltdown or the election of Donald Trump.

United Airlines says the flight where a passenger was forcibly removed from a plane was not overbooked. With all the bad publicity they are getting, at this rate seeing a United flight with one passenger on board will be considered overbooked.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz sent an e-mail calling the passenger who was forcibly removed from a plane “disruptive and belligerent.” That usually doesn’t happen with passengers until they are charged $8 for a bottle of water.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz sent an e-mail calling the passenger who was forcibly removed from a plane “disruptive and belligerent.” Which means that passenger could be facing charges of impersonating an agent with the TSA.

Writers Guild of America members are threatening a walkout if they can’t reach a contract agreement soon. That could bring a halt to all the scripted TV shows. Fortunately it will have absolutely no effect on the production of “Two Broke Girls.”

The architect of the world wide web is laying out a nightmare scenario where Artificial Intelligence runs the financial world. Which doesn’t bother most people who are asking how much worse can it be than with Wall Street bankers in charge?

Monks in England who make Buckfast Tonic Wine are under fire after the high alcohol content wine was cited as a cause of 6,500 incidents of antisocial and violent behavior. Or as that is called in Scotland, “Saturday night.”

Monks in England who make Buckfast Tonic Wine are under fire after the high alcohol content wine caused 6,500 incidents of antisocial and violent behavior. How much alcohol can it possibly contain to make even the Scots and Irish too drunk?

The White House is calling the United Airlines passenger ejection “troubling.” That sort of behavior of forcibly removing someone from a plane should be reserved for journalists riding on Air Force One.

The Afghan ambassador says U.S. troops will not be needed there after 2020. Which is pretty much what most Americans have been saying ever since the year 2001.

The CEO of United Airlines apologized for the “horrific” passenger removal. He says next time that happens they will first confiscate all the other passengers’ cellphones.

The CEO of United Airlines apologized for the “horrific” passenger removal. He says they will cheerfully call it even by refunding his fare minus a small processing fee.

The French presidential election has launched with an unprecedented 11 candidates. Although a large choice doesn’t always make for a good result if you consider the U.S. started with 23 candidates in the 2016 election.

An Australian woman gave birth to a 13 pound baby. The good news is the infant was so overweight it was immediately given dual citizenship in the U.S.

United Airlines is getting a lot of one star ratings on Yelp following its forced removal of a passenger. The only problem is that one star is still better than what United averages on all its other flights combined.

The CEO of United says “No one should ever be mistreated this way.” Mostly because United wrote the book on all the other ways they can mistreat their customers.

United CEO Oscar Munoz is under fire for his reaction to the forced removal of a passenger. You would think someone with a heart transplant would be more empathetic until realizing the heart he got was the old one taken out of Dick Cheney.

A Florida lawyer who helped in the decision to not take legal action against Trump University has been nominated for a position in the U.S. Education Department. The only problem is his claims of going through Trump University for his law degree.

The CEO of AutoNation says Tesla is either a “great Ponzi scheme” or it will work out. Well, that ought to be some pretty good guidance for anyone thinking of investing in the company.

The CEO of AutoNation says Tesla is either a “great Ponzi scheme” or it will work out. Which is pretty much what people were saying at one time about Bernie Madoff.

A poll says U.S. adults say medicine and technology are the top career options. Mostly because all the technology has made people so lazy that they will all need major medical care by the time they are in their 40s.

A study says a healthy middle aged heart may protect the brain when it is older. Mostly because without a healthy heart those brains aren’t going to make it to their senior years in the first place.

A study says one in three teenagers with autism have their driver’s licenses. They are the ones who go to the DMV while taking the test say nothing but “I am an excellent driver.”

A study says some fitness trackers fall short of measuring heart rates accurately. Well that shouldn’t be a problem if they are off by only 200-300 beats per minute.

Maryland could become the first state to empower the Attorney General to stop pharmaceutical companies from price gouging. Apparently the drug makers will find they will get a stern look when they raise prices more than 500% at a time.

Maryland could become the first state to empower the Attorney General to stop pharmaceutical companies from price gouging. The only problem is most people would rather pay the higher prices and be able to live somewhere besides Maryland.

Blake Lively says Ryan Reynolds played “Let’s Get It On” while she was about to give birth to their child. To which she said “Can you play something else with a title something more like ‘You Did This To Me!’”

Ashton Kutcher says his cheating scandal “built character.” Mostly because it shows what you are made of when you are facing losing half of everything you own.

Ashton Kutcher says his cheating scandal “built character.” If anyone truly believes that, let’s see them list that on their dating site profile page.

Lisa Kudrow says a “Friends” reunion is “Not going to happen.” Well, that doesn’t make her sound like much of a friend.

Tom Brady is leading the NFL in jersey sales for the second straight year. And that is just for the ones he has to buy every time someone steals his from the Super Bowl.

Dustin Johnson says his back is “still quite sore” but improving. He is the first person whose problems started after going through their own personalized 12 step program.

Sergio Garcia says he may wear his newly won green jacket at his upcoming wedding. It would be the most controversial wedding apparel other than if Anna Kournikova ever gets married and decides to wear white.

A college crew member at Northwestern University died after falling overboard during a practice. There is no word on the cause of death although preliminary findings say it might have been from a “Stroke! Stroke!”

Former Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo says he feels “Like he left something out there.” At least something other than a championship ring.

Uber communications chief Rachel Whetstone is stepping down. Apparently she feels if she is going to have a job where all she does is send out statements of apology, she might as go work for United Airlines.

A senior Google executive is denying there is systemic pay discrimination against women. And he will prove it when the company is ready to actually hire a woman.

A senior Google executive is denying there is systemic pay discrimination against women. He says like every other major corporation there is only systemic pay discrimination for anyone who isn’t an executive.

Wal-Mart says it is slashing hundreds of corporate jobs. The good news is the pay cut will mean all those executives will finally find out what it is like to shop at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart says it is slashing hundreds of corporate jobs. Which is sad for everyone at corporate headquarters who will no longer be met every morning by the executive greeter who hands them a shopping card when they come into work.

An Artificial Intelligence program won $290,000 against a field of humans in a poker tournament in China. It won using the biggest bluff in tech history other than how Apple was able to get customers to pay $1,200 for an iPad.

Gordon Ramsay’s father-in-law has admitted to hacking into Ramsay’s computer. Was it really that big of a deal for him for once to just hand over the recipe?

Donald Trump says “We’re not going into Syria.” Mostly because his plan is to blow it up so there isn’t enough left to go into in the first place.

Donald Trump says he still wants to tackle health care before moving on tax reform. Just like he is now waiting on the wall, travel ban and plan to beat ISIS.

A report says gun thefts have increased over the past three years. Mostly because people feel they need the guns they can’t afford to protect the money they no longer have.

The approval rate of Congress has dropped eight points down to 20% since February. Which is hard to believe that if you are in a room with only five people, there is still one of them who actually believes Congress is doing their job.

The approval rate of Congress has dropped eight points down to 20% since February. The only reason it is that high is that compared to what is going on with the Trump Administration, the people on Capitol Hill look like geniuses.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As all of you who log in here regularly know, I am no fan of United Airlines. I have had several bad experiences with them as compared with pretty much zero on all other airlines combines. Although I have never been dragged kicking and screaming off a flight. That is pretty much a new low, even for United. Even more amazing is their CEO who gets paid millions of dollars a year to do ONE THING, give the company a good image and even he turns out to be completely incompetent. I remember before 9/11 when flying was actually a fun experience. Service was good, flights were on time and there weren’t three passengers booked for every seat. After that it became a game for the airlines to try to squeeze every dime they could. Literally. They would pack the seats so tightly that all the spare change popped out of everyone’s pockets for the flight attendants to vacuum up after landing. It’s getting so even the TSA is becoming the most enjoyable part of going to the airport. I hope that crappy company goes broke. Although they won’t because all the others are in a race to become just as bad. Oh, well. For those who don’t need to get where they are going in a hurry, there is still always the alternative of standing on a highway and sticking out their thumb. Aside from the occasional homicidal predator, it can’t get much worse than what you get now in the “Friendly” skies. All I know is that I am staying well grounded and that is good as long as all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: