Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A British DJ is set to perform a gig on Mt. Everest at 17,600 feet in elevation. Apparently he misunderstood when someone told him it would be a good idea to reboot “Top of the Pops.”

A British DJ is set to perform a gig on Mt. Everest at 17,600 feet in elevation. He already had portable oxygen tanks on hand for the revelers from all the shows he regularly does on Saturday nights at retirement homes.

A British DJ is set to perform a gig on Mt. Everest at 17,600 feet in elevation. At least the show be over quickly as none of the people attending will be able to get out on the dance floor for more than one song before passing out from the altitude.

An Italian man was granted a divorce after claiming his wife was possessed by the devil. To which Gwyneth Paltrow’s ex-husband Chris Martin said “He, me too!”

Scientists have identified the part of the brain involved in dreaming. Which is different than in teenagers where the entire brain is activated for daydreaming.

Scientists have identified the part of the brain involved in dreaming. It’s the part that tries to separate itself to think about being wealthy and successful while the rest remembers the reality of being in debt and out of work.

A study says electrical stimulation to the brain can influence honest behavior. Which the CIA has long known that people will be more likely to tell the truth when they are facing a jolt of 120 volts.

The SEC has targeted fake stock news on financial websites. Which means if that is successful they will soon be shutting down Jim Cramer’s show on CNBC.

The SEC has targeted fake stock news on financial websites. Apparently they feel any fake financial news belongs only on annual corporate stock reports.

Polls show an opposition to the Republican health care bill is higher than it ever was for Obamacare. Which means that Donald Trump was right when he called Obamacare a disaster, he just didn’t know he meant for his administration.

Political controversies have helped with a ratings comeback for the TV show “The View.” Which is yet another reason for a decline in the popularity numbers of President Trump.

A United Airlines passenger was forcibly removed from an overbooked flight. Next time they will have their cash ready when the flight attendant brings them a bottle of water.

A United Airlines passenger was forcibly removed from an overbooked flight. The airline says the passenger was being re-accommodated. They didn’t mention his new accommodations were at a nearby hospital emergency room.

A United Airlines passenger was forcibly removed from an overbooked flight. The airline will use the video in a new commercial to show how people will be dragged away kicking and screaming when they can’t fly with United.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says the U.S. will punish “crimes against innocents.” As opposed to the crimes by the guilty they look the other way on like any bankers who happen to crash the economy.

Wells Fargo is taking back $75 Million in payments to executives who were responsible for the fake accounts fiasco. The executives will just have to wait until next month’s bonuses are given out to get it all back.

Neil Gorsuch thanked Donald Trump as he took the oath of office for the Supreme Court. Mostly because we are back to having the President decide who sits on the High Court instead of like with George W. Bush when it was the other way around.

Former Atlanta Braves player Otis Nixon was found safe after leaving for a round of golf but never arriving at the course. Police are trying to find out if it was a result of walking down the same set of stairs as Dustin Johnson.

The FCC has reversed a proposal to allow people to use cellphones on airplanes. Airports are worried about having the runways clogged with pizza deliveries when people use their phones to call Domino’s after sitting on the tarmac three hours.

A report says tech companies could take away all sports broadcasting from TV networks. Which means sports would ironically be controlled by the very geeks who could never throw the ball half way from the mound to home plate.

An activist investor is pressuring Whole Foods to sell itself. The trick is like with its customers, finding a snobby, pompous and pretentious buyer that will pay three times more than what it is worth.

“The Walking Dead” has ended its most recent season with the lowest ratings in four years. Apparently the idea of zombies is now an every day occurrence after watching people walk around staring lifelessly into their cellphone screens.

McDonald’s in Australia is accepting applications for workers through Snapchat. If they try that in the U.S. they will end up with a crew that gets nothing done because they spent the entire shift posting selfies.

A study says obesity may make Rheumatoid Arthritis tough to spot. How overweight have we gotten when even swollen knuckles are hidden by layers of fat?

A study says obesity may make Rheumatoid Arthritis tough to spot. How bad has it gotten when people can’t tell if they have no mobility in their arms because of arthritis or because they can’t move their muscles through all the fat.

A study says hospitalizations for strokes are rising in younger U.S. adults. Mostly the ones who have just gotten the latest bill for their college tuition loans.

A dead bat found in a salad in Florida has sparked an investigation by the CDC. They would like to know just who it is in Florida who still actually eats salad.

The ultrasound of an expectant Pennsylvania mother showed her two twins appearing to be “kissing” inside the womb. Doctors immediately came to the conclusion that the father is obviously from Alabama.

A report says cancer-detecting gum may soon be available. It works by diagnosing mouth cancer when the person chewing the gum immediately feels all their teeth falling out.

A report says cancer-detecting gum may soon be available. The person knows they may have lung cancer when they can’t muster enough breath to blow a bubble.

A study says long-term stress could make people fat. Which brings up the question as to why super models always seem to be so high strung?

Hota Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford are celebrating their 9th year together on “Today.” They were surprised that it has been nine years since all the wine and Champagne they drink on the show has made it so they can’t remember the other eight.

Janet Jackson has split from her third husband. Which means the her super Bowl wardrobe malfunction was nothing compared to what happens whenever she puts on a wedding dress.

Kylie Jenner is getting her own spinoff show called “The Life of Kylie.” Apparently the E! network was down to only 23 and a half hours of daily programming that featured at least one member of the Kardashian family.

Kylie Jenner is getting her own spinoff show called “The Life of Kylie.” Thanks to her sister Kendall, it is a pretty safe bet one of the sponsors will not be Pepsi.

Britney Spears has announced the end of her “Piece of Me” residency in Las Vegas. The show raked in $100 Million over four years. Which will be embarrassing for the Raiders knowing they won’t take in that much in their first decade in town.

Britney Spears has announced the end of her “Piece of Me” residency in Las Vegas. Apparently she just couldn’t go on after developing TMJ from four years of non-stop lip-syncing.

Britney Spears has announced the end of her “Piece of Me” residency in Las Vegas. The show got its name from her giving so much of herself to the audience. At least, everything but her vocal cords.

Iowa is honoring native Ashton Kutcher for all his humanitarian projects. Mostly for not doing follow ups to “Punk’d,” “That 70s Show” and “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

The NFL has announced a 9:30 AM kickoff time for a London game between the Dolphins and Saints. The early start is to make sure the game is done so the fans can file out orderly and make it home in time for afternoon tea.

Dustin Johnson has been chosen as the early favorite for the U.S. Open at Erin Hills. He has already started looking for a home to rent in the area saying he will only look at something ranch style.

The ratings for the Masters fell 11% over last year. Which shows that even a shootout between superstars Sergio Garcia and Justin Rose finishes behind a win by unknown Danny Willett when Tiger announce he will be a no-show.

A group of NFL players will be disciplined for taking part in an arm wrestling event in Las Vegas because of the implications of gambling. If they don’t act, what next? People showing up at the casinos to bet on the Super Bowl?

A judge ruled that a Texas voter ID law was designed to discriminate against minorities. Republicans denied the charges, saying it was only intended to keep any Democrats out of office.

The State Department has delayed training sessions for Donald Trump’s new ambassadors. Apparently they need more time to line up the necessary instructors to teach them all Judo, Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do.

Donald Trump has offered a Passover greeting on Twitter. Which is different in his tweets announcing he will pass over people who need food, health care and a chance at an education.

Eric Trump says nepotism is “a beautiful thing.” Which is understandable coming from someone whose name allows him to travel around the world closing hotel deals instead of working at those same locations in a red valet vest parking cars.

Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has resigned in the wake of a scandal over an extramarital affair. The people in Alabama were shocked that not only was he seeing another woman, but on top of that she was from another family.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s travel expenses in his first year could exceed what it cost for President Obama his entire term. Mostly from Trump jacking up the rent for the Mar-a-Lago presidential suite when he visits to $157 Million a night.

A poll says a majority of voters want Donald Trump to release his tax returns. The rest are more interested in him releasing Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer, Rick Perry, Tom Price, Betsy DeVos…

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I was off work yesterday and again today but I never let that stop me from inflicting my jokes on all of you. Which usually gets my readers to ask “What did we do to you?” It’s because I like writing jokes, am dedicated to my craft and have no outside life. Fortunately, neither apparently do any of you and I appreciate that you spend that extra time right here. Just make sure you tell all your friends about the site and that no matter how bad or offensive it may be, it still comes at the reasonable price of free. Above all, make sure to remember each and every day to always keep on sending the love!




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