Sunday, April 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

U.S. Intelligence says ISIS has developed undetectable laptop computer bombs. To which Samsung is already going after the terrorist group for copyright infringement from their Galaxy Note 7 exploding phones.

U.S. Intelligence says ISIS has developed undetectable laptop computer bombs. Americans are frightened of the repercussions. Electronic devices could be banned from flights forcing people on planes to actually talk to each other again.

Doctors in Pennsylvania performed successful heart surgery on a baby still in the womb. Mostly because with the baby inside the mother the insurance company couldn’t consider it another person with a preexisting condition and cancel the coverage. 

Swedish and Norwegian newspapers dropped any April Fools’ Day jokes because of fears they might spread “fake news.” Which is different from the U.S. where since the Trump Administration took over, every day is April Fools’ Day.

Swedish and Norwegian newspapers dropped any April Fools’ Day jokes because of fears they might spread “fake news.” To which CNN announced they will stop airing any fake news reports. Which they followed by saying “April Fools’!”

A study says insomnia is linked to an increased risk in heart attacks and strokes. Well, that news ought to make people sleep a whole lot better at night.

A report says more middle aged men are taking steroids to look younger and improve their sexual performance. The only problem is getting dates in the first place with an enlarged head, facial acne and shrunken testicles.

A report says more middle aged men are taking steroids to look younger and improve their sexual performance. The only problem is getting a woman to have sex with a man who has bigger breasts than they do.

A report says more middle aged men are taking steroids to look younger and improve their sexual performance. Not directly, but it doesn’t hurt in getting women when you hit 70 home runs and are getting paid $20 Million a year.

The Montana Roman Catholic diocese will declare bankruptcy as part of a settlement over sex abuse claims. Which is ironic coming after the Church has been exposed for its widespread moral bankruptcy.

The Montana Roman Catholic diocese will declare bankruptcy as part of a settlement over sex abuse claims. Not only that, the offending priests will also have to say 12,000 Our Fathers and 8,700 Hail Marys.

Oregon is set to double its recycling rate to ten cents for cans and bottles. Mostly to save west coast people from having to drive all the way to Michigan to try to scam recyclers on containers they paid a nickel deposit.

Protests erupted in Paraguay over efforts to extend the President’s term in office. Which is just the opposite in the U.S. where protesters are trying to find a way to get the President out of office faster.

Arkansas is having trouble finding enough volunteer witnesses for scheduled back-to-back executions in the state. All they need to do is bill it as a two-for-one double feature and they will have no trouble filling all those seats.

Arkansas is having trouble finding enough volunteer witnesses for scheduled back-to-back executions in the state. People in the state say the death penalty is primitive and barbaric. Besides, the executions are scheduled on MMA championship night.

Arkansas is having trouble finding enough volunteer witnesses for scheduled back-to-back executions in the state. The only problem is the executions are scheduled on Saturday night when everyone is out on a date with their cousin.

The U.S. believes terrorists are testing bombs that can evade airport security. Which in the U.S. with the TSA are called “bombs.”

The U.S. believes terrorists are testing bombs that can evade airport security. But just let them try to get past a TSA guard with a three ounce bottle of liquid.

Georgia lawmakers have passed a bill allowing concealed guns on college campuses. Which means core classes now include English 101, Math 103 and AK-47.

Georgia lawmakers have passed a bill allowing concealed guns on college campuses. Which could hurt some students as along with their Glock, Ruger and Smith & Wessons there won’t be enough room left in their backpacks to carry any books.

White House spokesman Sean Spicer says about Syria, America “must accept political reality.” Which most Americans are still trying to figure out what the political reality is here in the U.S.

The Ford board of directors is giving the CEO a $2.5 Million grant for “strategic incentive.” Doesn’t that sound like they are giving him extra money along with salary and bonuses to pretty much do his job of coming up with some new ideas?

Caterpillar will close a plant in Illinois and lay off 800 workers. Or as they call it at Caterpillar, “cocooning.”

A Massachusetts man is suing Dunkin’ Donuts for putting fake butter on his bagel. Ironically, if they had given him real butter as he requested there would be no lawsuit as it would have killed him by now.

A Massachusetts man is suing Dunkin’ Donuts for putting fake butter on his bagel. In their defense, Dunkin’ Donuts says their products still contain all real fat, sugar and preservatives.

A poll says most investors have not thought a lot about when to retire. Which for most will be put off for another 10 years at least waiting for the recovery for the upcoming inevitable market crash.

A poll says most investors have not thought a lot about when to retire. Mostly because they don’t know if they are going to make it all the way to age 98 when they will finally have enough money to hang it up in the first place.

A study says people who tan all year could be addicted and may be susceptible to other addictions. Which must be why all those meth-heads always seem to have such a really rich, healthy skin tone.

A study says Americans over 60 are drinking more. Especially the ones who lost their jobs and health insurance and no longer have coverage for all their opioid prescriptions.

A study says Americans over 60 are drinking more. Mostly as a way to cope with knowing they will have to be working another 35 years to even have a chance at retiring some day.

Some students at Yale say they have found an all-natural cure for hangovers. Which Florida State University students tested and say the citrus flavoring goes great with Vodka.

Some students at Yale say they have found an all-natural cure for hangovers. Which apparently has something to do with studying instead of going on a week-long alcohol-fueled binge.

Some students at Yale say they have found an all-natural cure for hangovers. It apparently has to do something with the immediate sobering that happens when they open their monthly tuition loan bill.

A study says the saltiest foods are bread, pizza, sandwiches, cold cuts and soup. Or as most Americans call that combination, “lunch.”

A study says laziness at work can be contagious. Which means if it was a disease, Congress could be declared Ground Zero for the pandemic.

Actress Amber Heard is fighting a $10 Million lawsuit over claims she “sabotaged” her latest film. If she loses the case, it means Adam Sandler could be spending the next 50 years in court.

A survey says Washington, D.C. is the most literate city in the U.S. Which is good to see it made it back on the list after losing the title during the eight years George W. Bush was President.

A survey says Washington, D.C. is the most literate city in the U.S. Which is ironic in a city where Congress has yet to pass a bill that anyone has actually read.

A Netflix documentary “Five Came Back” chronicles U.S. propaganda in World War II. Which is not to be confused with the propaganda from the Trump Administration today that is intended to start up World War III.

A Netflix documentary “Five Came Back” chronicles U.S. propaganda in World War II. The next documentary compares how film reel propaganda then compares with today’s propaganda spread over Facebook, Twitter and cable news stations.

LeBron James and Drew Brees in a Final Four ad tell kids to be scientists and not athletes. Because they realize the need for science to come up with new technology for the shoes the athletes will wear to get paid millions of dollars to endorse.

LeBron James and Drew Brees in a Final Four ad tell kids to be scientists and not athletes. Because there is nothing needed more than a laboratory worker who is 6’8” tall with a 47” vertical leap.

The WWE held its Hall of Fame induction ceremony in Orlando last week. It was the first time many of the inductees actually got to sit on a folding chair instead of being hit over the head with one.

Tiger Woods says he will not be competing in this year’s Masters. Which everyone already knew, but on top of that he also won’t be playing.

An opera based on the dating site Tinder is designed to get young people interested in classical music. Like Tinder, it’s the opera where the fat lady has no chance.

An opera based on the dating site Tinder is designed to get young people interested in classical music. At the end of the performance, instead of yelling “encore!” the audience just swipes right.

An opera based on the dating site Tinder is designed to get young people interested in classical music. It’s the performance that isn’t over until someone gets swindled by someone with a phony profile.

A survey says Chilean lawyers are the professionals who have the best profile pictures on LinkedIn. Although it is hard to believe there is any group with photos that can compete with ones of the Brazilian bikini models.

A new book says studies showing married people are happier are flawed, and that single people have more friends and happiness. For one thing, instead of having someone to go out with they have all kinds of spare time to write a book.

Pamela Edstrom, who helped shape the public image of Microsoft and Bill Gates has died at age 71. Unfortunately, she didn’t live long enough to ever be able to convince Gates to get his haircuts somewhere other than Fantastic Sam’s.

SpaceX used a recycled rocket for the first time on a successful launch. Which is different from all the NASA rockets that are clearly labeled “No deposit, no return.”

A blogger in Mexico tested a Samsung 8 phone with facial recognition and says he could fool it with a photograph. To which the phone’s designers say that is because to the South Korean phone, all Mexicans look alike.

ISPs say they are not planning to sell customers’ web browsing histories despite being given that right by Congress. Mostly because who is going to buy the lists of any male Internet users knowing they will be made up of nothing but porn sites?

A survey says no one in the tech industry really cares about diversity. Mostly because if white and Asian males were kicked out of tech they could always go to work in banking, transportation, insurance, medicine, architecture…

Donald Trump walked out of an executive order signing ceremony without signing the documents. Mostly because he signed another order saying for something to become policy all he has to do is wish for it to happen.

Mike Pence has vowed a victory for Neil Gorsuch over “obstructionist” Democrats. He used that term because he claims they are also obstructing Republicans from taking away people’s health care and giving tax cuts to the wealthy.

A Chinese company’s plan to take over U.S. money transfer giant MoneyGram is raising fears China could have access to Americans’ personal and financial information. Even worse, China could be using it as a method to finally get back all the billions of dollars we owe them.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Baseball season starts this week. Need I say anything more? The world is all good again. Well, except for that whole Trump thing. The only thing that could possibly make it even better is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: