Thursday, March 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The police chief in Tempe, Arizona is encouraging officers to engage in meditation to ease the stress of the job. Although many officers prefer the traditional way of dealing with stress by becoming mindful in the presence of a Krispy Kreme donut.

Tinder reportedly has a secret version called “Select” for elite users of the dating site, including the wealthy, celebrities and very good looking. In other words, people who have no need to be on Tinder in the first place.

FBI Director James Comey says he plans to fill out his ten year term in office. He has no plans to resign as long as he still has two more presidential elections he can help decide.

FBI Director James Comey says there is “no such thing” as absolute privacy for Americans. Except for the ones who have information the FBI wants but trip up the agency by storing it on an iPhone.

An Alabama radio station played only songs by men on A Day Without a Woman this week. Or as radio listeners in Alabama call that, the regular play list.

A hunt is on for the mole who gave WikiLeaks information on CIA hacking techniques. If the person is caught, it will be the first time the CIA actually made an intelligence breakthrough since before Pearl Harbor.

The GOP Obamacare replacement plan orders insurance companies to charge people 30% more if they are uninsured more than two months. Which is better than everyone else who the insurance companies will routinely charge 40% more.

A Wisconsin pair was arrested for the theft of 100,000 diapers from a diaper bank. That is the one bank where you don’t want to be around when someone makes a deposit.

Doctors say brain activity has been recorded ten minutes after a patient has been declared clinically dead. Well, for some people better late than never.

Doctors say brain activity has been recorded ten minutes after a patient has been declared clinically dead. The one place that brain activity still remains to be discovered is in the vicinity of any polling stations on election day.

Iceland has become the first country to make employers prove they offer equal pay to all workers. Which has never been an issue since no matter how much anyone makes, when they cash their check they just get a bunch of Kronas.

Experts say that North Korea could be Donald Trump’s biggest foreign policy challenge. The good news is that Trump and Kim Jong-un could bond just from being the two world leaders who have different versions of the world’s worst haircut.

A Russian billionaire has reportedly lost $150 Million on four artworks. The last time that happened, the person losing their money became the model for Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”

Experts say a newly identified fault line in California could unleash a “monster” earthquake. Scientists say they haven’t discovered a fault line in California this dangerous in more than a week.

Estimates say it could take the Trump Administration five to ten years to hire the additional border agents they have ordered. The only question is if we need all those agents anyway, what’s the point of building the border wall in the first place?

Trader Joe has recalled three varieties of applesauce because of possible shards of glass. Which was a close call for the three people who may have actually bought and eaten some of it.

An investment firm says women investors outperformed men by .3% over the past decade. Which isn’t such a big deal with the women getting a big head start after the men crashed the economy back in 2007.

A poll says mentions of the economy as the top U.S. problem are at their lowest since 2007. Mostly because since then people have given up on the possibility of ever having a job, house or steady income again.

A poll says mentions of the economy as the top U.S. problem are at their lowest since 2007. Mostly because since Donald Trump was elected, they are more worried about the environment, world peace, public schools, labor…

A study says consumers are falling prey to scams where con artists pretend to be government officials. Like the reality show star who has somehow convinced people he is actually the President of the United States.

A report says Donald Trump’s travel ban has caused a drop in international bookings to the U.S. by 6.5%. Although some foreigners are taking advantage by booking a one way flight into the country knowing if they are undocumented the government will pick up the return trip for free.

A study says yoga can help fight depression. Mostly because it’s hard not to start laughing when being surrounded by a bunch of people who think they look good wearing yoga pants.

A study says the teenage brain is wired for risky behavior. So while they do dangerous activities for free, it isn’t until they turn around 40 that they realize they can do the same things while making a fortune on the program “Jackass.”

A study says pot and booze are tied to lower college grades. The study was actually done in the 1960s but researchers couldn’t get it published until they finally were able to pass enough classes to graduate.

A report says cannabis treatments for pets are catching on with their owners. The side effects are an increased appetite and lethargy, to which dog owners are asking what’s the difference?

Experts say that morning coffee can help prevent the onset of dementia. Especially for the people who remember that it costs them eight bucks every time they decide to go into a Starbucks.

A study says Americans are having less sex than their parents and grandparents did when they were younger. Mostly because it takes away any chance of arousal when they think of their parents or grandparents having sex.

China has adopted a groundbreaking sex education textbook for their schools after being criticized for not addressing the issue. Although is sex education really an issue in a country that has 1.3 Billion people?

Alec Baldwin says that Donald Trump should quit Twitter. Those words hit many Americans hard. How bad is it when our President is being lectured on his behavior by Alec Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin says that Donald Trump should quit Twitter. At least the President has the ability to prevent any more embarrassments himself, while Baldwin’s family has to just wait to see what Stephen Baldwin is going to do next.

Danica McKellar from “The Wonder Years” says there is an “epidemic of kids who are afraid of math.” Mostly the ones who are frightened by numbers like how much money they will owe after college and how old they will be before they can retire.

Flavor Flav was seen cheering on his cousin who plays for Penn State at the Big Ten Tournament. The problem is that when he stood up, players hurried their shots thinking the time piece around his neck meant the shot clock was about to expire.

NASCAR is reportedly dealing with some unfilled sponsorships. It’s getting so bad that some of the drivers cars, helmets and uniforms have as much as three square inches not covered by logos.

Carmelo Anthony says he wants to play 20 seasons in the NBA. Or as the San Antonio Spurs call a player with 20 years under their belt, “rookie.”

Barcelona won a Champions League soccer match after being down four goals late in the game to Paris St. Germain. It turns out that Paris St. Germain loosely translates in French to “Atlanta Falcons.”

The CIA is scrambling to find out how their hacking tools were stolen and given to WikiLeaks. It’s just too bad they don’t have access to an unlimited budget and the most modern intelligence equipment and spies to solve the case.

The CIA is scrambling to find out how their hacking tools were stolen and given to WikiLeaks. They need to turn to the real experts in espionage and skullduggery. The Republican National Committee.

EBay says its new Google Home chatbot can tell people how much their stuff is worth. Which is pretty much about half what they think someone will pay for it on eBay.

EBay says its new Google Home chatbot can tell people how much their stuff is worth. Which can reach well up into seven figures as long as it is an uneaten piece of Jesus toast.

EBay says its new Google Home chatbot can tell people how much their stuff is worth. Which is sad for the people who have been hanging onto their Beanie Babies collection for 30 years only to find out the whole thing will bring in about $7.50.

The computer security world fears a WikiLeaks release of the CIA cyberweapons computer codes. Although it remains that anything the CIA has is nowhere near as dangerous as what comes out every day on Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

House Speaker Paul Ryan is defending the bumpy start to the Obamacare repeal effort. Which shows that maybe a rough rollout wasn’t the fault of Obamacare being bad but that Congress just can’t try to fix something without breaking it even more.

AT&T Wireless customers were unable to call 911 in several states on Wednesday. Fortunately most crime calls by AT&T customers aren’t emergencies, just calls to the police about how they are getting ripped off every month by AT&T.

Congress is considering overturning Obama era rules for Internet privacy. Although how much Internet privacy is there when even the CIA can’t keep their stuff from ending up over at WikiLeaks?

Congress is considering overturning Obama era rules for Internet privacy. Mostly after they read the WikiLeaks documents showing that Americans can’t even use their phone, get online or watch TV without being spied on by the CIA.

A report says illegal border crossings into the U.S. were at a five year low in February. Apparently Mexicans are getting tired of it being so easy and are waiting for more of a challenge to get across when Donald Trump finally finishes the wall.

Donald Trump has picked Jon Huntsman to be the Ambassador to Russia. Which was a surprise to everyone who all this time thought that job belonged to Donald Trump.

A report says doctors, hospitals, insurers and patients are opposing the Republican health care plan. Unfortunately for them, Republicans in Congress are listening to the one group that is still in favor of it. Their wealthy campaign donors.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This CIA WikiLeaks thing is scary. At least it would be if anyone depended on the CIA for actual intelligence. They missed 9/11, the fall of the Soviet Union, the Iranian Revolution. Just those small things. What they need to do is catch the person making the leaks and hire them because they seem to be the one person that is actually accomplishing something. Like I can talk. All I ever get done is write a bunch of dumb jokes here every day. You, of course are much more productive when you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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