Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz on the plan to replace Obamacare says Americans may need to choose between health care and their iPhone. Which in French pretty much translates to “Let them eat cake.”

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz on the plan to replace Obamacare says Americans may need to choose between health care and their iPhone. Most will take the iPhone so they can at least dial 911 to be taken to the ER when they can’t afford to go see a doctor.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz on the plan to replace Obamacare says Americans may need to choose between health care and their iPhone. And food, and their home and their car.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz on the plan to replace Obamacare says Americans may need to choose between health care and their iPhone. Many will take the iPhone so they can at least use the Internet connection to Google their symptoms.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz on the plan to replace Obamacare says Americans may need to choose between health care and their iPhone. At least in Utah if they can’t afford health care they can be taken care of by their five wives.

Richard Simmons’ publicist says the workout guru is not being held captive by his housekeeper. Apparently she just won’t let him out until he cleans up his own room.

Richard Simmons’ publicist says the workout guru is not being held captive by his housekeeper. People were surprised at the news. Why does Richard Simmons still need a publicist?

Ferrari has introduced its fastest car ever, which can go 0-60 in 2.9 seconds. The only bad part is that it then needs to find the closest gas station in 3.4 seconds.

Nike has introduced a “Pro Hijab” scarf for athletic Muslim women. The only question will be the reaction to other people in the Mosque when someone comes in with head covering that is sporting a Swoosh.

Tom Brady has launched a meal kit service so people can eat like him for $78 a week. The working slogan so far is “Turn your every day dishes into Super Bowls.”

A study says Americans have less sex than they did in the 1990s. Mostly because back in the 1990s it didn’t cost $150 just to go out to dinner and see a movie.

A study says Americans have less sex than they did in the 1990s. Mostly because that’s right around the time people found out that cocaine wasn’t good for them.

A study says Americans have less sex than they did in the 1990s. That was when Baby Boomers were still in their 40s and didn’t already have artificial knees and hips.

Identical twins in New York were named their high school valedictorian and salutatorian. Sure, because each one could cheat off the other in all their classes.

A descendant of Chief Justice Roger Taney has apologized 160 years after the Dred Scott decision. Which Ben Carson calls a historic court case over the status of immigrants.

A descendant of Chief Justice Roger Taney has apologized 160 years after the Dred Scott decision. Which means hopefully it won’t take until 2160 for Justice Scalia’s family to apologize for Bush v. Gore.

A study says people are less likely to be involved in an accident if they take a taxi that is yellow. As opposed to their other choices in most cities of yellow and yellow.

A study says people are less likely to be involved in an accident if they take a taxi that is yellow. One thing to remember, if you are extremely drunk and are escorted by a nice driver into a cab that is black and white, that is probably a police car.

George Michael’s died of “natural causes” according to an announcement. The cause of death was listed as heart disease and a fatty liver. Although a fatty liver can only really be considered a natural cause of death if you are a goose.

The casino industry is asking Congress to uphold gambling disorders as a serious public health matter. Which Congress should do only if they can also label the casinos as official enablers.

The casino industry is asking Congress to uphold gambling disorders as a serious public health matter. Which is like the beer, wine and spirits industry saying they wish there was something they could do about all the people dying from alcoholism.

Mark Zuckerberg is set to speak at the Harvard commencement. His speech to graduates will be about how he is worth $50 Billion mostly because he never finished his degree at Harvard and didn’t have to pay off any tuition loans.

A report says Millennials prefer to shop at dollar stores and off discount racks. Mostly because they usually only have a dollar in their wallets and don’t need expensive clothes when they never leave their parents’ basement.

The TSA has adopted a new “enhanced” pat down procedure. Although anytime a group associated with Homeland Security uses the word “enhanced,” watch out for when they bring out a bucket of water and tell you to put a towel over your face.

Donald Trump is set to roll back federal fuel emission requirements. Apparently he feels there is no need to save on gas mileage after he invades the Middle East and takes over all their oil.

Donald Trump is set to roll back federal fuel emission requirements. Although some people think when he threatens to add more auto pollution to the environment he is just blowing smoke.

A study says more Americans are becoming overweight and obese and are giving up on trying to lose weight. Mostly because no matter how obese someone gets, it’s always easy to feel better by finding someone else close by who is even fatter.

A study says more Americans are becoming overweight and obese and are giving up on trying to lose weight. Mostly out of patriotism and national pride in knowing there is something we do where we don’t accept losing.

A study says the death toll from Alzheimer’s Disease has doubled in the past 15 years. The report would have been out sooner but researchers forgot where they kept all the data.

A study says not eating health foods like fruit, grain and nuts contributes to nearly half of the deaths from heart disease and diabetes. Unfortunately, it doesn’t count when people consume grapes, hops and barley daily in their daily beer and wine.

Turner Classic Movie host and film expert Robert Osborne has died at age 84. Instead of an obituary, the network played his final credits.

Turner Classic Movie host and film expert Robert Osborne has died at age 84. Not to say he had been around a while, but if they were to film his life story it would be in back and white and silent.

Singer Ed Sheeran says when Forbes reported he made $57 Million last year, it wrecked his friendships. For one thing, all his friends were wondering why he still couldn’t afford to buy a comb.

Singer Ed Sheeran says when Forbes reported he made $57 Million last year, it wrecked his friendships. Although when you have $57 Million in the bank, it’s pretty easy to buy an even higher class of new friends.

Alec Baldwin says he won’t play Donald Trump much longer on “Saturday Night Live.” Apparently he likes to be challenged, and playing an angry, mean spirited narcissist for him is not really acting.

Alec Baldwin says he won’t play Donald Trump much longer on “Saturday Night Live.” And most Democrats are hoping that if Trump keeps up with his antics, pretty soon they won’t need anyone to play that role.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says Donald Trump tweets about him because Trump is “in love with him.” Although Schwarzenegger better be careful because of what happened when he just thought the domestic staff was in love with him.

A new book claims Nazi Germany was high on drugs. That doesn’t make sense. If getting high resulted in a World War and genocide, why did the San Francisco hippies in the 1960s go around preaching peace and love?

The Backstreet Boys say the secret of their longevity is age and therapy. Meaning their fans are older and can now afford the therapy they need after admitting they listen to the Backstreet Boys.

The Backstreet Boys say the secret of their longevity is age and therapy. Which makes sense at least with the age because by definition you can’t have longevity if you haven’t been around a few years.

“Saturday Night Live” star Pete Davidson says he is sober for the first time in eight years. Which on “SNL,” being sober may be why no one has ever heard of him.

Lance Armstrong in an interview about his dating Sheryl Crow says “It was a good ride.” What did he take her for, some sort of Schwinn?

Lance Armstrong in an interview about his dating Sheryl Crow says “It was a good ride.” The sad part here is that the media never caught on to my celebrity supercouple nickname of “Armcrow.”

Tom Hiddleston says he found it “fascinating” to shoot “Kong: Skull Island” in Vietnam. He also welcomes the opportunity to be in a blockbuster movie that will result in him being known as something other than Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend.

Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep are teaming up for a drama about the Pentagon Papers. Or as people over 40 know that, the analog version of WikiLeaks.

Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep are teaming up for a drama about the Pentagon Papers. Teenagers and young adults are urged to see the movie with their parents who can explain the concept of newspapers and how information was spread around before Twitter.

Movie website IMDb is adding an “F-rating” to highlight movies made by women. Which is different from the traditional definition of such movies as “chick flicks.”

The entire 2017 NFL draft will be done in Philadelphia near the “Rocky Steps.” The last time the word “rocky” was associated with the NFL draft was the year the first round picks included Johnny Manziel.

Washington Nationals pitcher Max Scherzer is using a new grip on the baseball after having surgery on his knuckle. Ironically, without being able to bend his ring finger that means he can throw just about anything except a knuckle ball.

Kobe Bryant’s former agent Rob Pelinka has been hired as the new Lakers General Manager. He says he hopes he can bring the team half as many rings as he had to convince Kobe to give to his wife.

YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki says social media has “a responsibility to the greater good.” Which must be in reference to the three available clips on the site that aren’t pranks, cats playing the piano or hamsters eating crackers.

Researchers say they are working on technology that will allow robots to fix mistakes by reading people’s minds. If that was possible with humans, how many divorced men would still be married to this day?

Researchers say they are working on technology that will allow robots to fix mistakes by reading people’s minds. Which of course, what the people are thinking is how they can take a break and get the robot to do all their work.

A survey of IT pros says that Apple devices are the easiest to manage. Mostly because you pretty much need to be an IT pro to even begin figuring out how to work anything operating on Windows.

A survey of IT pros says that Apple devices are the easiest to manage. Although it turns out they really all just have a huge crush on Siri.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick says he wants to hire a number two executive COO to help him run the company. The job will be advertised that with Kalanick’s history of controversy, there is a very good chance for immediate advancement.

Scientists say they have solved the mystery of why pandas are black and white. Apparently it has something to do with their belief that wearing red makes their backsides look bigger.

Scientists say they have solved the mystery of why pandas are black and white. They just chalk it up to some creatures just liking to stick with the basics that never go out of fashion.

Donald Trump says Arnold Schwarzenegger was fired from “Celebrity Apprentice” for “pathetic ratings.” The good news for Trump is that he has another four years before that happens to him.

Texas legislators sat through a marathon four hour session over a transgender bathroom bill. The good part was the lawmakers now know what it’s like to have to hold it that long without being allowed to use facilities that are right down the hall.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think this ties my personal record of 60 jokes at one sitting. And it breaks the record of five of them being funny. If you have made it this far you get the award for persistence and masochism. I’ll be right back here tomorrow to do it again, and I hope you will be here as well. And all I ever ask is that you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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