Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mercedes Benz is going to make the world’s most expensive SUV at a cost of $500,000. Or people could pretty much get the same thing with a $40,000 Chevy Suburban and just do without the hood ornament.

French President Francois Hollande is warning that right wing candidate Marine Le Pen could win the election. Where was he when we needed to be told the same thing about Donald Trump?

A girl in India was reportedly killed as a “human sacrifice” in order to reverse a black magic curse. Which apparently they got the idea for after going to Las Vegas and seeing a David Copperfield show where he sawed a woman in half.

A report says Google Artificial Intelligence software can diagnose cancer faster than human doctors. Which is ironic for the people who get cancer from the radiation from the computer screen they have been staring into constantly the past 20 years.

A Texas professor has invented a breathalyzer that detects if someone has the flu. Mostly when they aren’t able to actually breath into the device because they can’t stop coughing.

Psychologists are claiming that social media is causing more people to feel lonely. Which is the problem when you have 5,000 friends and the only thing you know about them is what they eat for breakfast every day.

A study says people who have regular sex are more successful at work. Which finally explains the career of Chelsea Handler.

 A study says people who have regular sex are more successful at work. And who says sleeping with the boss is not the way to move ahead?

Panama’s Manuel Noriega is reportedly set to have brain surgery. People around the world were surprised at the news. Noriega is still alive?

Panama’s Manuel Noriega is reportedly set to have brain surgery. The entire world could have been spared a lot of problems if that had only been recommended back in 1983.

Researchers have found they can use the material used in seat cushions to soak up oil spills. Which means the Gulf Oil Spill could have been cleaned up sooner if they had used the stuffing from the chairs the BP executives just sat in the whole time.

U.S. Soccer says all players must stand during the playing of the National Anthem. Although using international soccer rules, no one can use their hands and place them over their heart.

U.S. Soccer says all players must stand during the playing of the National Anthem. Which pretty much takes away any options of Colin Kaepernick ever becoming a two sport professional.

The United Arab Emirates has a minister of happiness who says her job is no laughing matter. Especially when the only advice she gives people on being happy is to stay away from the UAE during the hot seasons of spring, summer or autumn.

Former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin says Donald Trump’s agenda will hurt the U.S. economy. Which is a pretty rash statement for a country that is still chugging along with a $20 Trillion national debt.

Former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin says Donald Trump’s agenda will hurt the U.S. economy. Which means he has to get in line behind the people who say Trump’s agenda will hurt the environment, schools, foreign relations, labor, health care…

Exxon says it will spend $20 Billion on projects along the U.S. Gulf Coast. Which means $1 Billion for drilling and the other $19 Billion for the inevitable cleanup.

New York City is launching a $3 Million advertising campaign to reassure international travelers the city still welcomes them in the wake of the travel ban. Otherwise it could result in 50,000 cabs parked at the curb without a driver.

White supremacist David Duke has been suspended from Twitter. Apparently he is being accused of impersonating an official at the White House.

IHOP is giving away free pancakes today as a way to collect donations to several charities. Ironically, one of the charitable organizations they are not collecting for is the American Diabetes Association.

Jimmy Buffett says he will open a string of Margaritaville retirement homes next year. It’s for people who can no longer work anymore because it’s their own damn fault.

Jimmy Buffett says he will open a string of Margaritaville retirement homes next year. Like any of Jimmy Buffett fans have ever actually had a job to retire from.

Jimmy Buffett says he will open a string of Margaritaville retirement homes next year. Ironically, seeing a building full of people over 70 will actually look more like a Neil Diamond concert.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says the league is talking about expanding safety netting at ballparks. But mostly just for the teams that are considering having 50 Cent throw out the first pitch.

The new Director of the National Trade Council says the Trump Administration is making reduction of U.S. trade deficits its top policy focus. Which could pretty much be done overnight by shutting down operations at Wal-Mart, Kmart and Amazon.

U.S. consumer spending was at its highest in February since 2008. Mostly people  buying guns to settle a score with the groundhog after calling for six more weeks of winter.

A study says more patients are rejecting drug only psychiatric treatment, preferring to also have talk therapy. Mostly because they like someone nearby to talk them down after a bad high.

A Colorado man claims to be the rightful King of England, saying he is a descendant from a 3rd Century Royal Welsh line. If that works out, the best investment he ever made was the $200 to sign up with Ancestry.com.

Three British scientists won a Million Euro prize for their work on the brain’s reward system. They accomplished it by imagining how great it would be to do something that got them a Million Euros.

Republicans say they will introduce their health care replacement bill this week. It gives every American access to medical treatment, as long as it only involves blood letting, using an iron lung or having operations performed by a barber surgeon.

Dr. Thomas Starzl, who pioneered liver transplants has died at age 90. If not for him, there wouldn’t even be a remote possibility of having such a thing as the classic rock and roll concert circuit.

 Chance the Rapper has donated $1 Million to Chicago public schools. He is sending out a strong message to the students that the only way they will ever have $1 Million to donate is if they drop out of school to become a rapper.

The Oakland Raiders have reportedly secured financing from Bank of America for their proposed new stadium in Las Vegas. Apparently the Davis family had to turn elsewhere after already having maxed out their team Discover Card.

The Oakland Raiders have reportedly secured financing from Bank of America for their proposed new stadium in Las Vegas. They had to look elsewhere after all the banks in Oakland would only let them borrow $5,000 against the Oakland Coliseum.

The Oakland Raiders have reportedly secured financing from Bank of America for their proposed new stadium in Las Vegas. The team had to go to them after all the other loan deals they were offered had a late payment penalty of two broken legs.

NASCAR is considering making their cars quieter in the future. Although their fans might not be so eager to embrace the idea of trading in the sound of a Dodge 358 cubic inch Dodge Hemi for a four cylinder Prius Hybrid.

NASCAR is considering making their cars quieter in the future. Apparently their fans are complaining about not being able to hold a civil conversation in the stands about their recent excursion to see the ballet performance of “Swan Lake.”

NASCAR is considering making their cars quieter in the future. The drivers are complaining about not being able to hear any of the satellite radio easy listening stations on race day.

The NHL’s Las Vegas Golden Knights have signed their first player in franchise history. Reid Duke says he likes the idea of starting up a new team, bringing new fans into the sport and having access to the city’s 24 hour dental clinics.

MLB is giving players the option to wear wrist monitors to track their heart rate and fatigue level. Which their fatigue level is going to usually max out when they realize they are in the fourth hour of the game and it’s only the 7th inning stretch.

MLB is giving players the option to wear wrist monitors to track their heart rate and fatigue level. Ironically, their fatigue level would drop if they would just wear the tracker instead of carrying around all the other jewelry they have on their wrists.

Donald Trump’s proposed budget cuts to NOAA have worried some scientists who think the decision is short sighted and ill informed. Which brings up the question of why they would think it would be different than any other government decision?

Facebook is rolling out a warning label it claims is its solution to fake news. Or they could just tell people they are really dumb using Facebook as an actual news source.

A NASA spacecraft narrowly missed a collision with the Mars moon Phobos. The worst part is the craft was supposed to be going to Venus.

A NASA spacecraft narrowly missed a collision with the Mars moon Phobos. Crashing into a moon in the middle of outer space should take about the same amount of skill as running your car into the only cactus in the Mojave Desert.

Scientists say they have found dozens of new species living in the area of the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill. They had no idea there were that many sea creatures that have three eyes.

The Republican repeal plan for Obamacare reportedly contains more tax cuts for the wealthy. To which the nation’s rich people say the health care plan is working because they already feel much better.

Donald Trump says President Obama ordered wiretaps on his phones during the presidential campaign. Although the FBI is denying the charges, saying how could anything he said on his phone be worse than what he has put out on Twitter?

The White House is being accused of “plagiarizing” a statement from an ExxonMobil press release. The Trump Administration says it’s no big deal and that it has used directives from oil companies before. Mostly in forming the nation’s energy policy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Does Donald Trump really think Barack Obama tapped his phone lines? If Obama wanted to hear what he was saying on the phone, it would have just been a lot easier to go around the courts and get the CIA to wiretap the phone line of Vladimir Putin. This is going to be a long but interesting four years. I think I can make it all the way through, but it will depend on how often all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: