Sunday, March 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Tori Spelling had her fifth child last week. Interestingly enough, each one of them has a different one of their mother’s noses.

A woman in India was accidentally cremated while still alive. That also happens in the U.S. but takes a little longer. It’s called overusing the tanning parlor.

SXSW reportedly says it may alert immigration authorities if international artists play at their unofficial shows. It turns out “South by Southwest” means the direction those performers will be deported out of the country.

Uber says its drivers will have to take a basic English test. Mostly so they can understand what is being said when their CEO takes a ride and calls the drivers incompetent idiots.

Uber says its drivers will have to take a basic English test. Apparently they want to have at least one feature that makes their service different from hailing a cab.

Uber says its drivers will have to take a basic English test. Which is interesting for a company that takes its name from a German word.

A fire at Trump Tower in New York is being called suspicious. The only time a fire is expected around Donald Trump is when it is during one of his speeches when his pants go up in flames.

A drive-in movie theater in Alabama is refusing to show the new “Beauty and the Beast” movie because it has a gay character. They want to keep drive-in movies a place for traditional Alabama values, where people can go see a movie while having sex in the back seat with their cousin.

A doctor is claiming too much screen time for kids is creating a “digital heroin.” Which is still better than the other kids who get a more old fashioned high after finding where their parents have hidden their opioids stash.

A doctor is claiming too much screen time for kids is creating a “digital heroin.” Which some kids are passing up as “kid’s stuff” now that they can go out and buy some legal weed.

A doctor claims that too much screen time for kids is turning them into “digital junkies.” Although he says any children with HP devices running on Windows 7 are actually more just junk junkies.

Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau says Canada will soon have legalized marijuana. Which may open the floodgates as after President Trump was elected, legal pot was the last reason people had for staying in the U.S.

Street artist Banksy is putting his mark on a Bethlehem hotel that has the “worst view in the world.” Which may or may not be a reference to guests having to constantly look at nothing but Banksy’s graffiti.

Street artist Banksy is putting his mark on a Bethlehem hotel that has the “worst view in the world.” Although that description is being challenged by every hotel owner in Detroit.

A report says firefighters in a California city are making as much as $400,000 a year. Which is good for the ones who joined the force to have some money to burn.

A report says firefighters in a California city are making as much as $400,000 a year. Which is the opposite of what they need in Bakersfield where urban renewal is considered doing away with the fire department and just letting the city burn.

A lawmaker in Poland went on the record saying women should earn less than men because they are “weaker and less intelligent.” Which will prove him wrong when all the women in his district go to the polls next election to vote him out of office.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says the league is looking at shorter commercial breaks to speed up games. Or they could just play a commercial in the time it takes between each pitch for the batter to go through all 17 of their idiosyncratic routines.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says the league is looking at shorter commercial breaks to speed up games. Or they could tell managers to try to leave in each reliever for more than three pitches before making the next bullpen call.

AT&T says it has agreed to bring 3,000 outsourced jobs back to the U.S. Mostly so it will only be a local call to have people who can explain to users why their service has been down the past three days.

Five people have been charged in a scheme to overcharge the military $6 Million for parts for Humvees. Which would probably not have been noticed if they had just written down that as the expense money to fill up their gas tanks.

Five people have been charged in a scheme to overcharge the military $6 Million for parts for Humvees. To which executives at Lockheed Martin, Boeing and Raytheon upon hearing the news all had a good laugh, yelling out “Amateurs!”

The jobless rate in California has fallen to 5.1%. Mostly from the people who need to work at six different jobs just to make enough money to keep them from having to live in a cardboard box.

Friday was National Unplugging Day where people are urged to stay off the Internet to avoid social media triggers. Which people were happy to participate in once they were done posting on Facebook and watching all their daily cat videos.

A survey says the most popular vehicle for people making more than $200,000 a year is the Ford F-150 pickup truck. Especially for wealthy business owners who need the extra room to haul around all their undocumented workers.

A report says U.S. service sector activity surged to its highest level in more than a year. Mostly from all the hiring done by pizzerias for delivery drivers ever since the legalization of marijuana.

A mouse delayed a flight from London to San Francisco last week. Which was exactly the same plot line of the worst action movie pitch in Hollywood history.

Research says that early birds may have a leg up on night owls when it comes to health and weight. Especially when the night owls’ idea of an early bird is staying up until 3:00 in the morning to finish off a bucket of drumsticks from KFC.

A study says exercise may cancel out the risk of heart disease for people who are overweight and middle age. Mostly because middle age people who exercise are probably not overweight in the first place.

Health experts are recommending people wait longer to cut the umbilical cord at birth. Especially for the parents of Millennials who are waiting way past 30 years to even consider cutting off the apron strings.

Research says Margaritas and daffodils can cause skin rashes. Especially for the people who are gulping down enough Margaritas to cause themselves to pass out all night in a field of daffodils.

Nike is now offering bras up to 38E in their plus size clothing line. No one even knew that Nike was interested in signing up John Daly.

Data says Americans are undergoing 3% more cosmetic surgery procedures than in the past year. Which shows that people want to do something about the fact that they now feel 3% uglier and fatter than before.

Researchers say that hearing aids do work for the elderly. To which millions of older people upon learning the news said “Huh?”

Researchers say that hearing aids do work for the elderly. Which is good because it will make them finally aware of all the bodily function noises that they have been completely unaware that they have been making all these years.

A double amputee is suing to get access to the grave of their two legged cat. Which seems like about the most extreme case in all history of a cat owner ending up looking like their pet.

A study says the VW emissions scandal could shorten 1,200 lives in Europe. Especially when the company’s executives come around looking for the people who cost them their yearly bonuses.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he won’t be returning to host “Celebrity Apprentice.” Mostly because after the current season’s ratings, if he does he will be the only one on the entire set.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he won’t be returning to host “Celebrity Apprentice.” Which is too bad because he was just about to be promoted to celebrity journeyman.

“Star Wars” actor Riz Ahmed says he fears the lack of diversity in TV and movies could cause people to turn to ISIS. Which means we owe a debt of gratitude we never realized before to Jimmy “J.J.” Walker and the entire cast of “Good Times.”

George W. Bush praised Jimmy Kimmel for his opening monologue at the Oscars. Mostly because he and Donald Trump both know what the producers of “La La Land” felt like after they were declared winners even though they had fewer votes.

George W. Bush praised Jimmy Kimmel for his opening monologue at the Oscars. Mostly because there is finally someone else in the news who ends up being on the punch line side of more jokes.

Phil Mickelson called on his brother to carry his bag when his regular caddie became sick. Which proves that flesh and blood wins out over Bones.

Colin Kaepernick has opted out of his contract with the 49ers. In other words, he showed up at the bargaining table and ended up taking a knee.

Isaih Thomas says the Lakers were smart in hiring Magic Johnson as president because he will draw superstar talent to L.A. Apparently otherwise there is no reason for anyone to want to accept an NBA level salary to play for the team.

Isaih Thomas says the Lakers were smart in hiring Magic Johnson as president because he will draw superstar talent to L.A. Apparently everyone wants to go there because Magic owns a chain of movie theaters and can get them all free passes.

Jeanie Buss has filed a restraining order against her own brothers in a battle for control of the Lakers. Which makes it now seem like Donald Sterling was actually the NBA owner who was pretty normal by comparison.

Dirk Nowitzki says he plans to come back to Dallas for his 20th season. There are season ticket holders who haven’t renewed that many times.

Dirk Nowitzki says he plans to come back to Dallas for his 20th season. Which in Texas is no big deal. He would still be fourth in seniority if he signed with the Spurs.

Amazon says a typographical error caused a widespread Internet outage last week. It was the most dramatic effect of a keystroke since the 2016 elections were stolen by Russian hackers.

An updated app with online travel site TripIt tells travelers when to leave for the airport. Which for anyone flying out of JFK next week, you are already pretty much too late.

An updated app with online travel site TripIt tells travelers when to leave for the airport. Which for anyone flying with United they suggest taking a week’s worth of clothes for the trip and another week’s worth until their flight actually takes off.

Donald Trump courted big donors at his first RNC fundraiser in Florida last week. That doesn’t even include the people who gave the biggest donations during his presidential run, the news programmers at CNN, NBC and Fox News.

The White House says it is planning to cut the budget at the NOAA climate agency by 17%. Although that could backfire when researchers take an even harder line stand about global warming when they can no longer afford to run the air conditioner.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was a long weekend as I took part in our annual Instructors’ Seminar at USA Martial Arts. It’s been a year since I was promoted to Black Belt in Karate. While I have learned various techniques in self defense and sparring, I just wish for once I could write some jokes that killed. I am just glad you keep on checking out the site, and what keeps me going is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!