Friday, March 31, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker says because of the Trump Administration’s support of Brexit, he will try to break up the U.S. But if he looks at any polling numbers, he will see that Trump has already taken care of that, too.

The hope for human life on Mars is rising as scientists in India grew potatoes in a Mars simulator. That’s not news. Didn’t any of them see exactly the same thing with Matt Damon in “The Martian”?

A Mexican state attorney general was arrested for drug trafficking at the San Diego border. The good news for him is that as attorney general, he has already decided it would be in the best interest of the state to drop all charges.

A Mexican state attorney general was arrested for drug trafficking at the San Diego border. It turns out the drugs he had in his glove box were just a diversion to keep authorities to from finding the seven immigrants he had stowed in the trunk.

Political plays are heating up the live theater box office in Washington, D.C. Although why buy tickets and go out for the night when you can get even more drama just watching the daily political reports on cable news?

Political plays are heating up the live theater box office in Washington, D.C. Local politicians like to see themselves portrayed on stage, although the one rule for people in office is avoid any play that is being performed at Ford’s Theatre.

A Florida couple has set a world’s record for seniors with more than 90% of their bodies covered by tattoos. There hasn’t been that much ink shared by a couple since the attorneys put together Angelina Jolie’s and Brad Pitt’s original prenup.

Scientists in India are on the cusp of introducing the first new male contraceptive in more than a century. Which in a country of 1.2 Billion people, the preferred male contraceptive until now has been nothing.

Scientists in India are on the cusp of introducing the first new male contraceptive in more than a century. Apparently it is even more effective than showing up on a date wearing Dockers, a Polo shirt and a man-bun.

A study says people in open relationships are happier and more trusting than those who are monogamous. Mostly because they know when they are caught they don’t have to kiss away half of everything they own.

The WHO says global depression is up 18% since 2005. Mostly because of the global depression that has made everyone poor since 2007.

The WHO says global depression is up 18% since 2005. Especially for all the people who have lost their health insurance and don’t have any way to pay for the therapy they need for their depression.

Experts say Ivanka Trump’s new White House position as an unpaid employee doesn’t eliminate ethics concerns. To which Donald Trump, Sean Spicer and Jeff Sessions are all saying “Ethics?”

A report says Paul Ryan and Marco Rubio may have been targeted by a Russian social media campaign. Although the Russians figured they couldn’t do any more damage than what Rubio did with his campaign and Ryan with health care reform.

A study explains how Mars lost its atmosphere and why the Earth didn’t. To which the people living in major cities in China are saying “We have an atmosphere?”

A Paris exhibition explores racism amid tensions in France. Although France has proved to the rest of the world that they have moved beyond race, and that they have provided all kinds of other reasons for everyone to hate the French.

Marco Rubio says he has been informed he was the victim of Russian propaganda. The worst part is the reference is to Donald Trump taking him apart during the Republican presidential debates.

Vladimir Putin, when asked about Russian interference in the U.S. elections says “Read my lips, no.” Which now is fueling speculation he was behind the quote on raising taxes that took down George H.W. Bush.

British Royals have released ten films in an effort to get Britons talking about mental health. The problem is that combining the Royal Family and mental health would be much easier if there was a film version of Monty Python’s “Spamalot.”

Researchers say that CEOs who play a lot of golf run companies that tend to underperform. Mostly because the chief executives get a mindset coming off the course that lower numbers are always better.

Researchers say that CEOs who play a lot of golf run companies that tend to underperform. Mostly when the best executives keep getting fired for shooting a better score than the boss.

Researchers say that CEOs who play a lot of golf run companies that tend to underperform. Which means every time Donald Trump takes another trip to Mar-a-Lago it means that much longer for the chance for the economy to ever recover.

Sears stock went up 50% in the past week despite rumors the retail giant could be going out of business. Apparently sentimental investors want to have souvenirs and collectibles they can hand down as heirlooms to future generations.

A study says smartphones may be to blame for a recent spike in pedestrian deaths. To which everyone in L.A. is asking “What’s a pedestrian?”

A study says smartphones may be to blame for a recent spike in pedestrian deaths. To which most anthropologists are saying that means those phones are providing a service to society.

A study says smartphones may be to blame for a recent spike in pedestrian deaths. It may also have something to do with some of the newer Pokemon Go monsters vowing to do anything to keep from being taken alive.

Budweiser says its beer will be brewed using renewable energy by 2025. People were surprised. They thought Budweiser was just made by recycling water from stadium urinals.

The FCC says it is planning to eliminate a rule preventing TV station companies from reaching more than 39% of all TV households. Broadcast companies have complained, saying the only way to do that now is to buy nothing but CBS affiliates.

McDonald’s says it is going to use fresh beef in its Quarter Pounders by next year. The company promises it will keep its quality levels consistent by putting the beef patties out for three days and then letting them sit four hours under a heat lamp.

McDonald’s says it is going to use fresh beef in its Quarter Pounders by next year. Taco Bell says it is just a marketing ploy. Like anyone actually uses real beef to make their food.

A survey says 67% of low-income U.S. adults worry “a great deal” about hunger and homelessness. The good news is that it has stopped them from worrying about health care, education and employment.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says the U.S. has “the best hand ever dealt of any country on this planet” when it comes to a vibrant economy. Meaning it’s just lucky we have a government that bails out the banks every time they crash the economy.

A report says climate change can cause anxiety and depression. Mostly from all the cable news station reports on how in just another few years, climate change is going to kill us all.

A report says climate change can cause anxiety and depression. Mostly from the fear of being overheated and sweating uncontrollably every time Donald Trump sends out a new tweet.

A study says the biggest health threat for middle-aged men is loneliness. Especially when they show up at any social events wearing a pair of dad jeans.

A 91 year old crossing guard in Virginia is being honored for 50 years on the job. She says the only problem is sometimes the job just makes her feel run down.

A study says loneliness can worsen the common cold. What’s worse is when the reason they are lonely is because no one wants to get near someone who is constantly coughing, sneezing and blowing their nose all day.

A Texas student says an attack by a bully has left him with his eyes crossed. What’s worse is that the other bullies are now attacking him for looking at them cross-eyed.

Donald Trump is calling for a change in libel laws in an attack against the New York Times. For one thing, he wants that part of the law removed where newspapers can use truth as a defense.

Kim Kardashian says she had uterus surgery so that she could try to have a third child. It was quite an experience as it was the first time she ever had surgery that didn’t include either silicone or Botox.

Lamar Odom says Khloe Kardashian “tolerated” his drug use. Which he needed to put him in the right frame of mind to be able to tolerate being around Kris Jenner.

ABC has canceled the show “Time After Time” after five episodes. In other words, the show has no more time after the last time they show “Time After Time.”

Al Gore targets Donald Trump in his movie “An Inconvenient Sequel.” Which is a coincidence as Trump’s election victory with fewer votes is already pretty much a sequel to when Gore lost the presidency to George W. Bush.

Al Gore targets Donald Trump in his movie “An Inconvenient Sequel.” Which is the most inconvenient sequel since people found themselves out $8 after going to see “Neighbors 2.”

A swarm of bees took over the infield during a baseball game between the Rockies and Padres in Arizona. The good news is they weren’t killer bees or else they would have taken the field at an Astros game.

UCLA basketball player T.J. Leaf is the latest to announce he is going to the NBA draft after one year. Remember when college players used to at least stick around long enough to finish their core classes?

UCLA basketball player T.J. Leaf is the latest to announce he is going to the NBA draft after one year. He’s just glad his team didn’t make it to the Final Four so now he gets an early jump over all the other players to make the announcement.

Ernie Els is preparing to play in what could be his final Masters. He isn’t saying if he thinks he has a chance of winning, it will just be victory enough if he can get through the first hole this year with fewer than six putts.

3,700 of more than 6,000 former students have applied for refunds from Trump University. The rest either graduated, don’t have enough invested to make a claim or are too embarrassed to let anyone know they signed up at Trump University.

3,700 of more than 6,000 former students have applied for refunds from Trump University. Which has helped Trump’s image as a businessman now that people realize he was able to sucker that many people to sign up for his phony college.

Newly retired Dodger broadcast legend Vin Scully says of opening day this year he will “probably have something to do.” After 67 straight years of calling opening day, can he even remember what else that might even be?

Netflix says it is looking for translators to help the streaming service with subtitles to include Korean, Chinese and Arabic. The hardest assignment will be the person in charge of subtitles when they get the rights to air a Bob Dylan concert.

SpaceX has launched the first used rocket into space. NASA had the idea but is still waiting for a mission where enough parts are left over to even think of trying it again.

Ford is planning to hire 400 connectivity engineers. That is the job description of the people in charge of connecting Ford vehicle bumpers to the tow truck that will be hauling them to the repair shop.

The world’s oldest spacewoman, Peggy Whitson set a spacewalking record when she went out of the ISS for the eighth time. The bad part is that she may be getting a bit too old, saying she was going for a walk to the corner store to get a quart of milk.

Michael Flynn will be interviewed by the Senate about the Trump campaign’s possible ties to Russia, in exchange for immunity from “unfair prosecution.” Although any criminal will tell you the only prosecutions that are fair are the ones that end with “not guilty.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday and I hope you all have a fantastic weekend planned out. Get plenty of rest and relaxation so we can start this up again on Monday with more witty and irreverent jokes. Then after that you can come to this site and read my stuff. I will always bash my own material because that means you won’t have to and can just remember to always keep on sending the love!



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