Thursday, March 30, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Hillary Clinton gave a speech where she urged her supporters to “resist, insist, persist and enlist. As opposed to what women tell Bill which is to “cease and desist.”

Roger Daltrey of The Who says a “dead dog” would have won against Hillary Clinton. What does he think that is sitting on top of Donald Trump’s head?

Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s says they will no longer show sexy burger girl ads. In the interest of realism they are going to go after their actual customers and feature fewer bikini models and more overweight truckers.

Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s says they will no longer show sexy burger girl ads. Mostly because after men watch an ad featuring Kate Upton in a bathing suit, they have no idea the commercial was actually about any food.

The Academy Awards will retain Price Waterhouse despite the Best Picture fiasco. Mostly because despite the error, the accounting firm still has a better track record in the past 17 years than the Electoral College.

The Academy Awards will retain Price Waterhouse despite the Best Picture fiasco. It turns out that as much embarrassment as they caused, they still didn’t cause as many people to change the channel as James Franco and Anne Hathaway.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will join the Trump Administration to help combat the opioid epidemic. The first advice to most opioid addicts on becoming clean will be to move somewhere other than New Jersey.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will join the Trump Administration to help combat the opioid epidemic. With Christie leading the charge against drugs, that pretty much signals a surrender to ever doing anything about the nation’s obesity.

A study says every droid in the workforce will cost six humans their jobs. Mostly because the robots will not be spending half their day going to Starbucks and McDonald’s.

A study says every droid in the workforce will cost six humans their jobs. Mostly because robots will work a full eight hour day instead of an hour and a half between a series of coffee breaks, checking online dating sites and posting on Facebook.

Michael Moore says Donald Trump will cause the “extinction of human life on Earth.” Which is good because in the long run we won’t need a replacement for Obamacare after all.

Michael Moore says Donald Trump will cause the “extinction of human life on Earth.” No wonder Trump is pushing NASA to speed up their plans to colonize Mars.

An English man was mauled to death by his own dog while being interviewed by the BBC. In typical British fashion, the reporter continued the interview, narrating “It appears the canine is masticating in a severe fashion which is no doubt inflicting a series of rather injurious wounds to the victim.”

Donald Trump’s international envoy says Mideast peace is possible. Which is good news for Trump because it means there is finally someone in his administration who is less believable than the President.

A report says Donald Trump’s travel ban would cost $18 Billion in U.S. tourism. Which is the equivalent of a family of four canceling their planned week-long vacation to Disney World.

Ford is recalling 570,000 vehicles for separate problems that cause the engine to catch fire and doors to fly open unexpectedly. Which is good news because if they both happen at once people can exit the car quickly when it breaks out in flames.

The bodies of two U.N. workers and an interpreter were found in the Congo, prompting calls for an investigation. Which questions how things are done in the Congo, like why is there the need to have to ask?

A report says climate change can take a toll on people’s mental health. Like when they go crazy thinking the issue could signal the political comeback of Al Gore.

An Uber diversity report says the company is ruled mostly by white and Asian men. Or as that is called in Silicon Valley, being inclusive.

Sheryl Sandberg says that four years after writing her book “Lean In” that women are not better off. Except for Sandberg with all the royalty money she has raked in from people buying her book.

Sheryl Sandberg says that four years after writing her book “Lean In” that women are not better off. Which means either the establishment needs to be changed or Sandberg has to take some writing courses.

“Hamilton” creator Lin-Manual Miranda says he didn’t have a credit card until he was 28. Which is good in that when only dealing with cash, he saw a $10 bill enough times to actually know who Alexander Hamilton was.

The “Billionaire Census” says the wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen for the first time since the Great Recession. Which is ironic since most of them became rich from the financial policies that crashed the economy.

Andrew Napolitano has returned to Fox News, still standing by his claim that President Obama enlisted British Intelligence to wiretap Donald Trump. Which brings up the question as to whether Fox gave him a suspension or a vacation?

A report says there have been an increasing number of delinquent risky auto loans. In other words, repo men have been busy taking back a lot of Chryslers.

A survey says support of legalizing marijuana went up in 2016, with numbers in the 50s to low 60s. Which coincidentally, the age group mostly in favor of it are also 50s and low 60s Baby Boomers who have been waiting for legal weed since the 1970s.

An official at the Fed says the U.S. economy is finally back to normal. Which means that once again, Americans are up to their eyeballs in debt, buying things they can’t afford and trying to pay it all off with a minimum wage job.

The Oakland Coliseum Authority says it doesn’t want the Raiders back in 2019 because they lose money on their games. Apparently it costs a lot of money for their security staff to operate a mobile booking station and temporary holding cells.

The Oakland Coliseum Authority says it doesn’t want the Raiders back in 2019 because they lose money on their games. Not only that, but hosting the Raiders and their fans has now changed their official status from “landlord” to “slumlord.”

Chris Christie denies there is a rift between he and Jared Kushner, that they “get along great.” Although since Christie sent Kushner’s father to prison that has to make for some awkward dinner conversation, like “So how’s your dad, I mean inmate #77852?”

Donald Trump has declined an invitation by the Washington Nationals to throw out the first pitch of the season. Apparently he is worried that the baseball is just too big to throw for someone who has tiny hands.

Donald Trump has declined an invitation by the Washington Nationals to throw out the first pitch of the season. Trump says it’s too bad, because the pitch “would have been the greatest ever, envied by Walter Johnson, Sandy Koufax and Nolan Ryan.”

A study says breast cancer patients who smoke are increasing the risk of long-term problems from radiation therapy. Is that a conclusion that could have been reached without actually needing to do a study?

A poll says Americans dislike the Republican’s and Donald Trump’s health care plans. Political experts were surprised. What the Republicans and Trump have come up with are considered plans?

Schools are teaching students how to recognize fake news. The first rule is to ignore any news channels that show statements being made by President Trump or Sean Spicer.

A study says playing the video game Tetris after witnessing a traumatic event like a car crash can reduce the chances of developing PTSD. Except in the cases where the person caused the car crash because they were driving while playing Tetris.

Don McLean says he won’t ever reveal the meaning behind the song “American Pie.” Which is no big deal as most people find the lyrics too deep in songs like Justin Bieber’s “Baby,” Hansen’s “MMMBop” and Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.”

Lamar Odom says he is “sober and full of regret” for his past behaviors. How much worse can it get when your legacy is no longer as an NBA star as it is a former member of the Kardashian family?

Vin Diesel says “Fate of the Furious” will be “the best film you ever saw.” The worst will be the first seven films in the “Fast and the Furious” series.

 Vin Diesel says “Fate of the Furious” will be “the best film you ever saw.” Which is not to be confused with the “fate of the furious” meaning the angry voters who are now stuck with President Donald Trump.

Donald Trump says the New York Times is “failing,” but stock in the company is up 30% since the election. To which Trump says that is just because his presidency has finally given the newspaper the chance to do some investigative journalism again.

Lonzo and LaVar Ball are predicting how many NBA titles Lonzo will win. Which, whatever number they come up with will be more than the number of his NCAA Championships.

The West beat the East 109-107 in the McDonald’s All-America game. The game features the country’s best high school basketball players. The irony is half will end with a career in the NBA, the other half with a career working at McDonald’s.

Ohio State women’s basketball player Kelsey Mitchell will return for her senior season and skip the WNBA draft. Mostly because even with her college tuition loans, she is in better financial shape at OSU than with what she will be paid in the WNBA.

The NCAA is considering Las Vegas as a site for NCAA events is on hold because of the issue over the city’s gambling. It’s just a good thing no one has told the NCAA about that $10.4 Billion that is illegally bet just on March Madness every year.

Golden State Warriors’ Draymond Green says Oakland fans should boycott Raiders’ home games because of their move to Las Vegas. It’s just that Raiders fans love to go to the games because it fits their schedules as the courts are closed on Sunday.

Golden State Warriors’ Draymond Green says Oakland fans should boycott Raiders’ home games because of their move to Las Vegas. With the league’s second lowest attendance rate and the Rams leaving St. Louis, how could anyone even tell?

Pete Carroll says running back Marshawn Lynch is considering a comeback. Fans will know it is happening when he gives a news conference where he says nothing.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson will reportedly wave human rights conditions on the sale of fighter jets to Bahrain. Mostly because it seems hypocritical to demand human rights while selling jets that can blow up an entire city in one bombing run.

Jeb Bush says Donald Trump should “stop saying things that aren’t true.” Where was he while his brother was trying to start the war in Iraq?

Jeb Bush says Donald Trump should “stop saying things that aren’t true.” To which Trump says he doesn’t actually say those things, he just posts them on his Twitter account.

Jeb Bush says Donald Trump should “stop saying things that aren’t true.” If he were to follow that advice, Calvin Coolidge would no longer be the President who would be known as “Silent.”

Jeb Bush says that Donald Trump hasn’t shifted to being President. To which most Democrats and members of the media are saying he has already shown he is plenty shifty.

FBI Director James Comey says “The FBI is not on anybody’s side.” Which is becoming more apparent every time he gets involved in an investigation.

FBI Director James Comey says sometimes the agency has to choose between “bad and worse.” Shouldn’t we be looking for a person to head the nation’s largest law enforcement agency who can come up with better options than that?

William Powell, who wrote “The Anarchist Cookbook” has died at age 66. Apparently he blew himself to pieces after grabbing the wrong recipe for a soufflé.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Baseball season is officially underway this Sunday. And all is right with the world again! At least April looks like it will get off to a better start than what we saw last November. I can hardly wait to get to the ballpark and take in some games. We just have a single A minor league team in my city. Sort of like my own status as a joke writer. But even I once in awhile manage to hit one out of the park if like baseball you don’t mind taking three hours to get there. All I know is that like hitting a game winning home run, my best moments are when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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