Friday, March 03, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Georgia woman is behind bars after slamming her car into a chicken truck because she is a vegan. Couldn’t she have just given the driver the bird?

The snowpack in the Sierra Nevada is so deep researchers are unable to measure it. There has been so much snow this year the mountains are whiter than a Donald Trump Cabinet meeting.

A claim says catwalk models in Paris were subjected to “sadistic and cruel” treatment” during fashion week. Apparently some agents were so abusive they forced some of the women to actually eat a whole salad.

A study says that 88% of the press coverage of Donald Trump’s first month in office was hostile. The other 12% was the time he got on the air over at the Fox News Channel.

A study says that 88% of the press coverage of Donald Trump’s first month in office was hostile. To which the media says don’t worry, they have another 47 months to get it higher.

71 students were ordered out of class in a Minnesota school district for no proof of inoculations. Apparently the problem for their parents is there is no vaccination to cure being dumb.

Artificial Intelligence scientists held a gathering to contemplate worst case scenarios. So far they agree the worst thing that could ever happen to humanity is a five minute Internet outage while people are in for the night binge watching Netflix.

New “smart condoms” are advertised to rate the users’ sexual performance. The worst part is when a failing grade is given even before starting when the condom turns out to be three sizes too large.

An anti-troll site in Norway makes people read an entire article before commenting. To which most trolls are saying what’s the fun in knowing what you are slamming?

An anti-troll site in Norway makes people read an entire article before commenting. Which scares away most Internet trolls who don’t actually have the attention span to make it through an entire article before moving on to slam something else.

A study says adults who eat home-cooked food and don’t watch TV during meals are less likely to be obese. Which is good news for all three of those people.

49ers Quarterback Colin Kaepernick says he won’t protest during the National Anthem before games in 2017. Mostly because they probably won’t be playing “The Star Spangled Banner” at the movie theater where he will be ushering.

Donald Trump says he has “total confidence” in Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Which is no surprise he has confidence in his man as they are turning out to be the two biggest confidence men in the country.

Melania Trump read Dr. Suess books to some sick children in a hospital. Apparently she was adapting the story to tell them how the Grinch was going to take away their health insurance.

Melania Trump read Dr. Suess books to some sick children in a hospital. Although apparently she was ad-libbing when she said “Will my husband help the poor? Or is he going to start a war?”

Sweden has instituted a military draft for men and women because of a “deteriorating security environment.” Apparently they want to be on guard for all those terrorist attacks there that Donald Trump is making up.

Shares in Caterpillar plunged after federal tax and financial agents raided corporate offices. Caterpillar had no comment as company executives chose instead to stay inside and just cocoon.

Reynolds has been ordered to remove “natural and additive free” from their Natural American Spirit cigarettes. Have you seen the packaging? If anything, they should be ordered to remove the racist picture of an Indian smoking a peace pipe.

Reynolds has been ordered to remove “natural and additive free” from their Natural American Spirit cigarettes. What’s worse is that with labeling like that, the FDA also wants to know what it is the company executives have been smoking.

Reynolds has been ordered to remove “natural and additive free” from their Natural American Spirit cigarettes. Apparently they are going to just replace it with a label that says “Full of stuff that will eventually kill you.”

Uber says it will apply for a California permit to test self-driving cars. Apparently they need the technology as soon as possible because having cars without drivers is the only way CEO Travis Kalanick is ever going to get another ride.

Ford is recalling 32,000 vehicles with defective airbags made by Takata. So after three years, millions of recalls and billions of dollars in fines over the airbag scandal no one at Ford thought it might be a bad idea to keep putting anything with the “Takata” label in their cars?

Washington, D.C. tops a Gallup list of the good jobs rate for major metropolitan regions. Mostly because they have 535 jobs in Congress that pay $175,000 a year to work three days a week for half the year.

A study says the hearing rate loss may double in the U.S. by 2060. To which millions of people upon hearing the news said “What?”

A study says the hearing rate loss may double in the U.S. by 2060. Although after the last Trump speech most people were asking how they could speed up that process.

A computer has beaten some of the world’s best poker players using “intuition.” Apparently it learned how to bluff by using “10110” when it really meant “01101.”

A doctor in New Jersey was arrested for selling prescriptions for opioids to people with no medical need for them. That just shows how tough the economy is. People are having to go to college for eight years just to become a street corner drug dealer.

A UK teenager has won a battle to have her body cryogenically frozen. Although she could have saved all that time in court and just moved to Scotland.

Colorado is moving ahead with a plan to allow marijuana clubs. The law says that no alcohol or food will be allowed, which brings up the question then what is the point?

Colorado is moving ahead with a plan to allow marijuana clubs. It’s the one business where job applicants will be required to fail the employee drug test.

Colorado is moving ahead with a plan to allow marijuana clubs. They will require a minimum fee and cover charge to prevent cheapskates from coming in and trying to get high by just breathing the air.

A Singapore movie called “Apprentice” is about the art of humane executions. To which Donald Trump is saying if there is ever grounds for a lawsuit over plagiarism, this is it.

The Neverland Ranch once owned by Michael Jackson is being sold for $67 Million. The home is 12,000 square feet in size with six bedrooms. When asked how many of those are children’s bedrooms, the answer when Jackson lived there was all of them.

Justin Bieber celebrated his 23rd birthday by saying he wants to be a better man. Which means he will be more responsible and use only free-range eggs when he vandalizes his neighbors’ homes.

Justin Bieber celebrated his 23rd birthday by saying he wants to be a better man. Which means he will no longer yell at his mom and cry when she brings home the wrong kind of acne cream.

Lily Collins says her dad Phil “wasn’t around a lot” when she was growing up. Mostly because he was spending all his time traveling around trying to figure out what “Sussudio” even means.

Tom Hanks bought a new coffee machine for the White House press room. Although the reporters don’t really need one as they all get a contact caffeine high just from listening to Sean Spicer every day.

A report says fans going to the World Cup in Russia in 2018 will need ID cards in order to fight hooliganism. In other words, if your passport says “Scotland” there is no need to even try to get in.

A report says fans going to the World Cup in Russia in 2018 will need ID cards in order to fight hooliganism. The only hooligans allowed in Russia these days are the ones who can hack into U.S. computers during election years.

Some of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models revealed their tips on how to take the perfect dating profile photo. To start with, it helps to be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.

Tigers ace Justin Verlander says he is in favor of testing all players for PEDs every day. The only question is if that means that relievers have to pee in the cup every day and if starters are on a five day rotation?

Researchers say that soon people will be able to buy gadgets that are able to self-destruct if stolen. To which Samsung is now bragging that their Galaxy Note 7 phones were just ahead of their time.

Researchers say that soon people will be able to buy gadgets that are able to self-destruct if stolen. The embarrassing part will be seeing the family sedan go up in flames after thinking a phone was stolen when it was just left in the glove box.

A survey says 80% of Americans don’t know enough about the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to have an opinion about it. Mostly because if there is supposed to be consumer protection, why are all the cable companies still in business?

A survey says 80% of Americans don’t know enough about the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to have an opinion about it. That’s no surprise. Even more people have no idea about political issues and that doesn’t ever stop them from voting.

A study reveals why some people “look” like their name. At least the ones who go by “Slim,” “Stretch” or “Fatty.”

A study reveals why some people “look” like their name. Although it does make you wonder why Davis Love is the only one on the PGA Tour with a “III” after his name.

A study reveals why some people “look” like their name. Like with the Department of Homeland Security and the INS who can always seem to pick out the people named “Jose” and “Mohammad.”

A study reveals why some people “look” like their name. Like the people who always seem to be afraid and are named “Pierre,” “Jacques” or “Francois.”

Subway has released their own study refuting a claim that their chicken is only 50% chicken meat. Although half of it is actually soy, at least before they use it they mold it into the shape of a chicken.

A study says Instagram is good for people who suffer depression. Especially the people who are depressed because they can’t get anyone to be their friend on Facebook.

A study says Instagram is good for people who suffer depression. Mostly the people who are depressed because social media has kept them from having any actual contact with real people for the past six years.

New Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke rode into work for his first day on a horse. Apparently he was trying to get some publicity to get his ratings up on the latest gallop poll.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, and as usual it has arrived about five days too late. This means I get a couple of days to unwind and you get two days without having to look at my compilation of an attempt at humor. I will be back with the goods on Monday as usual. Until then I hope you don’t take the weekend off and continue to always remember to keep on sending the love!


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