Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says after the failure on health care reform, Congress is gearing up to fight over spending. At least that’s the one thing they can agree on that if they blow enough taxpayer money, both sides always feel like they won.

Consumer confidence levels are the highest in the past 16 years. Most Americans feel that if Donald Trump made it to be a billionaire, their ship must be ready to come in any day.

A report says some women are using Tinder to scam money off men. What’s next, finding out that men are using dating sites to meet women for sex?

A report says some women are using Tinder to scam money off men. The men don’t seem to mind as giving a prospective mate a few hundred dollars is still cheaper than dinner and a movie.

An Indonesian man was found swallowed whole inside a 21 foot long python. What’s really weird is that the man’s name was Monty.

A bill in Alabama would require all cellphones to come with an Internet porn filter that people would have to pay to remove. What do you call a cellphone with no access to Internet porn? A paperweight.

A study says that Millennials who still owe on their education are planning to help their children pay for college. Banks will one day start offering  generational “legacy” loans where everything will just be dumped on the great grandchildren.

A study says that Millennials who still owe on their education are planning to help their children pay for college. At least as soon as the Millennials themselves are able to move out of their own parents’ basement.

Flint, Michigan has made a deal to replace water lines in 18,000 homes. People were surprised at the news. There are 18,000 families who still haven’t moved out of Flint?

Alec Baldwin says he nearly passed on playing Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live.” Seeing as how the election turned out, maybe he should have listened to his instincts.

Alec Baldwin says he nearly passed on playing Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live.” But then, how much of a stretch could it have been for Baldwin to play an entitled, wealthy, rage-filled narcissist?

Billionaire Carlos Slim is planning to produce cars in Mexico in a joint venture with China. Apparently he feels that it would be easier to work with the Chinese because they would never build a wall to keep people out.

Billionaire Carlos Slim is planning to produce cars in Mexico in a joint venture with China. The cars would be shipped into the U.S. with standard features including air conditioning, Internet capability and four immigrants in the trunk.

The Organization of American States is weighing punishing Venezuela for disrupting democracy. People were surprised. When did Venezuela have anything to do with democracy?

The Organization of American States is weighing punishing Venezuela for disrupting democracy. The only question is where were they with the U.S. election last November?

A Tennessee hospital has “hired” a full time comfort dog to brighten the days of patients and the staff. Or they could just instead make them happier by curing them and sending them home.

A Tennessee hospital has “hired” a full time comfort dog to brighten the days of patients and the staff. Mostly as a preemptive maneuver so they wouldn’t feel so bad about going broke once Donald Trump takes away their health insurance.

Senate Republicans are urging the Trump Administration to rethink the process for labeling firms that are too big to fail. Which shouldn’t be that difficult since they are probably the same ones that caused the economy to crash when they failed in 2007.

Crayola says it will retire one color from its classic 24 count crayon box for the first time in more than 100 years. Mostly because they need to do something to boost sales which seem to be falling ever since George W. Bush is no longer President.

Dick Cheney calls Russia’s meddling in a U.S. election an “act of war.” Those who agree with him are secretly trying to arrange Cheney to go alone with Vladimir Putin on a hunting trip.

Dick Cheney calls Russia’s meddling in a U.S. election an “act of war.” Although it may actually have more to do with their discovery of a massive oil reserve in Siberia.

Canada says it may legalize recreational marijuana by 2018. Or if they can’t get around to it by then, maybe 2020, or 2023. The latest by 2025.

The Mayor of Oakland says it is time to “move on” from the Raiders who are moving to Las Vegas. Apparently the Raiders are just a better fit for Las Vegas who owes all its success over the years from welcoming and accommodating losers.

A report says the average annual income in the U.S. is $51,272. Which is a little misleading because if you don’t include Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Mark Zuckerberg that brings everyone else down to about $1,484 a year.

A report says the average annual income in the U.S. is $51,272. Which is amazing when you consider that means working 20 hours every day of the year to pull that kind of money on minimum wage.

U.S. bank regulators failed Wells Fargo on a scorecard for community lending. Although that was offset by the A+ they received for being able to swindle all their customers with fake bank accounts.

A diversity report from Uber says the ride sharing site’s makeup is 36% women and nearly 50% white workers. The good news is that they are all equally abused on the job by CEO Travis Kalanick.

An early Facebook employee has donated $75 Million to UC San Diego. Which is great news, considering there are only three students at UCSD who are actually still using Facebook.

Fox News ratings have reached a record high during the Trump presidency. Mostly because it is the only channel Trump supporters can watch where they anchors read any stories about him and manage to keep a straight face.

Fox News ratings have reached a record high during the Trump presidency. In a related story, after covering Trump 24/7 the entire campaign CNN says its ratings have doubled. A spokesperson confirmed that, saying “What’s zero times two?”

A report says “Made in USA” labels come in tenth in a ranking of trustworthiness around the world. Mostly because there are only three products left that qualify to say they are actually still made here.

A report says despite the poor economy and corruption, Vladimir Putin still has a popularity rating of 81%. Mostly because the other 19% are mining for salt in a Siberian Gulag.

A report says despite the poor economy and corruption, Vladimir Putin still has a popularity rating of 81%. Which means pretty soon the White House will announce it has handed over its polling duties to TASS.

A study says running a marathon may cause short term kidney injuries. Which is no surprise when you have thousands of people running 26 miles without being able to stop to take a pee.

A study says running a marathon may cause short term kidney injuries. Which could be stopped by telling the runners during the first few miles when they are in a congested clump of humanity to watch how they throw around those sharp elbows.

A report says costly doctors don’t provide their patients with better care. Which people would be glad to find out for themselves just as soon as someone can point out a doctor who is actually affordable.

Cambodia has banned the export of human breast milk to the U.S. And who says the American dairy lobby isn’t earning every penny they are paid?

A study says most states don’t require defibrillators in all schools. Mostly because they really aren’t necessary until college when students get their first tuition loan bill.

A group of doctors has issued recommendations on how the U.S. handles its opioid epidemic. Although it isn’t known if one of those suggestions might be writing out fewer opioid prescriptions.

A Ken Burns documentary on Muhammad Ali is in the works. Apparently it will be completed just as soon as Burns is able to interview Muhammad Ali, Jr. when he is let go from detainment by the airport security wherever he is currently traveling.

The doping ban of tennis pro Maria Sharapova is ending after 15 months. If she was abusing pain pills, that is understandable. Just think how much she must have been hurting to be screaming that loud through every match.

The SEC is standing behind an exemption to an Arkansas law allowing people to bring guns into stadiums. Mostly because the conference thinks just a penalty flag and not massive carnage should be the result of excessive celebration.

The owner of the Bunny Ranch says he will open a Raiders themed brothel outside of Las Vegas. Apparently the connection will be when the workers require their clients to wear a helmet.

The House has voted to let ISPs sell customers’ browsing history to advertisers. Hopefully the clients won’t be upset to find out 99.9% of the browsing is to get to Facebook, Twitter and Internet porn.

MIT says U.S. cyber insecurity is a “disgrace” that President Trump needs to take seriously. To which Trump is saying if he took anything seriously, he wouldn’t be living in the White House.

MIT says U.S. cyber insecurity is a “disgrace” that President Trump needs to take seriously. How bad must it be to be described like that by people who are subjected every week to watching the MIT football team?

A 6,000 year old rock carving found in Egypt depicting people wearing masks. No one had any idea the Middle East made the KISS tour rotation that long ago.

Optometrists, who are not medical doctors are lobbying in Florida to be able to perform eye surgery. If they don’t succeed they still have the option to be like salon workers and make extra cash giving their clients butt-enhancing injections.

Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump over the lack of diversity in his administration. To which Trump defended his staff, saying it is made up of rich old white men who are short, tall, thin, fat and some who wear glasses.

Donald Trump has pledged an “easy” health care deal after his devastating defeat earlier this week. It has to be easier since the Republicans had to work really hard to mess things up that badly the first time.

Ivanka Trump is taking coding classes with her 5 year old daughter. Apparently she feels the administration needs at least one person who can learn how to leak information without being caught red handed.

House Republicans say they are still negotiating the repeal of Obamacare. At issue is whether they should consider their first attempt a crushing defeat or just an embarrassing disaster.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday I think I set a personal record with 61 jokes on the blog. Combine that with 8 hours at work, time for practicing Karate and obligations around the house and that leaves about 38 seconds to have a life. So I hope you appreciate my efforts here as it is just all for fun. Because no one in their right mind wants to actually fork out any money for this stuff. But I get my reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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