Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The European Union has approved a $61 Billion merger between Dow and DuPont. Some people thought it would make for a possible monopoly but others just felt they had the right chemistry.

The Catholic archdiocese in Mexico is telling Mexicans who try to help build Donald Trump’s border wall are “traitors.” The only problem will be finding a way to kick them out of the country once there is a wall in the way.

A Kansas man has donated 32 gallons of blood in the past 64 years. Which everyone else knows exactly what that feels like every time April 15th rolls around.

A 94 year old Indiana woman is being honored for working the past 44 years at McDonald’s. Which other McDonald’s employees call still working at 94 “early retirement.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he will pull federal funding from sanctuary cities he says are violating the law. Now the question is where are those cities going to go to seek sanctuary?

Analysts say a YouTube ad boycott could cost the company $750 Million. Who had any idea there was that much money generated by people sitting around all day watching cat videos?

A report says the “religious left” is emerging as a U.S. political force. To which the Unitarians are saying “Well it’s about time!”

The NFL has voted to approve the Oakland Raiders move to Las Vegas. The Raiders made the move seeing how well those residencies worked to revive the careers of Celine Dion, Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys.

A 221 pound gold coin worth $4.5 Million was stolen from a German museum. The good news is the thieves are going to be stuck trying to hide it until they can actually find a vending machine big enough to take it.

A study says fruit may have helped us develop into humans. Although ever since we quit eating fruit and moved on to fast food we are now evolving into couch potatoes.

Scientists say they have found the world’s largest dinosaur footprint in Australia. Either that or Shaquille O’Neal is making a comeback and signed to play basketball with a team Down Under.

Sex Pistols’ singer Johnny Rotten says he backs Brexit and Donald Trump. Mostly because it has given him his first new material for lyrics since 1977.

A Canadian man with the last name “Grabher” has had his personalized license plate revoked because it is “too offensive.” Not only that, but authorities say it could be confused with the same plate on the U.S. presidential limousine.

The plunging price of used cars sent Hertz stock falling by one fifth this week. Asked how it affected shareholders, they say it Hertz.

A former District Attorney in New York has been arrested for allegedly wiretapping her love interest. Which means this whole Barack Obama surveillance of Donald Trump thing may just be a failed bromance.

A report says the U.S. travel industry fears a lost decade under Donald Trump. Which is rough as they are just now starting to get over the lost 16 years since 9/11.

A report says the U.S. travel industry fears a lost decade under Donald Trump. Mostly because traffic across the Mexico border is pretty much going to be confined to people hiding in the trunk of a Chevy.

Elon Musk has launched a startup called Neuralink that will attempt to connect the human brain to computers. To which people who are staring at a screen eight straight hours looking at social media are saying “It’s already been done.”

Conservative site Breitbart has been denied permanent congressional press passes. Mostly because they would rather be in their current position where they have former executive Steve Bannon just tell Sean Spicer what to say.

A clothes designer in Colombia is making a line of bulletproof fashions for celebrities and politicians. It’s for people who don’t want to wear military-type uniforms but  still have the option of going commando.

A clothes designer in Colombia is making a line of bulletproof fashions for celebrities and politicians. The outfits come in sizes .22, .38 and .44 Magnum.

A clothes designer in Colombia is making a line of bulletproof fashions for celebrities and politicians. It’s for people who like to be dressed by a combination of Armani and Smith & Wesson.

A clothes designer in Colombia is making a line of bulletproof fashions for celebrities and politicians. The only problem is when customers get his bill, they go ballistic.

Major League Baseball is teaming up with the Honest Company to offer diapers featuring MLB team logos. They are made especially for infants, toddlers and people who don’t want to leave their seat several times during a four hour baseball game.

A group of economists says that Donald Trump’s pledge for a 4% growth in the economy will fall short and be more like 2.3%. Which is exactly the same amount that Trump will cut funding down to for any colleges offering degrees in economics.

A group of economists says that Donald Trump’s pledge for a 4% growth in the economy will be more like 2.3%. Which Trump they forget the 1.7% or more in economic growth just from what he will save in eliminating everyone’s health care.

Scientists say they have turned a spinach leave into a beating heart human heart tissue. Which has absolutely no use other than freaking out the research assistants who take lunch at the laboratory salad bar.

Scientists say they have turned a spinach leave into a beating heart human heart tissue. Or as that is otherwise known as, Viagra for Popeye.

A study has discovered many new types of obesity caused by genetics. It’s nothing new that weight problems runs in families. Look at all the obesity around the world that can be traced back just to the McDonald’s.

A new book claims in its title “No One Cares About Crazy People.” If that’s true, how can the author account for all the ratings and money going into Reality TV shows?

A new book claims in its title “No One Cares About Crazy People.” We may not take care of them, but we sure love to vote for them every November.

Elton John turned 70 and celebrated with a gala in L.A. Although is there anything that Elton John does that doesn’t turn into a gala?

Elton John turned 70 and celebrated with a gala in L.A. Although he has had to rework the lyrics of “I’m Still Standing” to add “At least for a few minutes at a time.”

Jon Gosselin has announced he will perform as a male stripper in New Jersey. Which in New Jersey pretty much means standing on a street corner with his pants down around his ankles.

Jon Gosselin has announced he will perform as a male stripper in New Jersey. Trying to exploit his time on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” he is going to attempt to put the “sex” in sextuplets.”

Jon Gosselin has announced he will perform as a male stripper in New Jersey. If there is any doubt that stripping is a lucrative turn for multiple birth parents, just look what it did for the career of the Octomom.

A new book has come out about Richard Nixon. If there is any time an author can write a book to try to resurrect the legacy of Nixon, two months after the inauguration of Donald Trump is it.

Kim Kardashian says she wants a third child with Kanye West. Mostly because that would increase the inevitable child support to around a third of his entire income.

Kim Kardashian says she wants a third child with Kanye West. Or as that is called in the Kardashian and Jenner families, “a spinoff.”

Queen Elizabeth II is advertising for a Royal Pillow Fluffer. Which means at age 68 Prince Charles is finally thinking about retirement.

Queen Elizabeth II is advertising for a Royal Pillow Fluffer. Although that could cause some awkward moments for anyone who applies for the job and their experience as a fluffer has been in the adult film industry.

The L.A. Chargers say they have sold out all 30,000 season tickets available at their temporary home field, the StubHub Center. Which is exactly the same amount of tickets they will sell when they complete their new stadium that seats 100,000.

The L.A. Chargers say they have sold out all 30,000 season tickets available at the StubHub Center. Which thanks to StubHub comes out to the same amount of money at a stadium seating three times as many after the service and processing fees.

Shaquille O’Neal says he is the third greatest NBA center of all time, after Bill Russell and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar but ahead of Wilt Chamberlain. He figures no one would question placing ahead of the one person Shaq could actually beat in a free throw contest.

Bud Selig is set to throw out the first pitch at the Milwaukee Brewers opening game. At age 82, he is already being tested for PEDs just in case he manages to throw the ball all the way to home plate.

Bud Selig is set to throw out the first pitch at the Milwaukee Brewers opening game. Although most baseball fans would rather he sit it out and give the duties to the same person who threw out the first pitch for the 1994 World Series.

Raiders owner Mark Davis says he will be happy to give refunds to any season ticket holders in Oakland. Although now that they are moving to Las Vegas, he says he would rather just go double or nothing with them.

39 year old Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he plans to play “6 or 7 more years.” Although he should get some of that brain testing done as he can’t even seem to remember where he put his shirt anymore.

Quarterback Derek Carr says the Raiders will be “bringing a piece of Oakland with us” to Las Vegas. More than likely meaning a stockpile of hubcaps, car stereos and various firearms.

NFL owners voted 31-1 for the Raiders to move from Oakland to Las Vegas, the one dissenting vote coming from Miami. Apparently the team’s owner was upset that he would be losing one of the few cities in the league with a higher crime rate.

California’s marijuana industry is worried about having mostly cash-only stores. The biggest problem with that being when is the last time you have known a stoner to have any cash on them?

California’s marijuana industry is worried about having mostly cash-only stores. Which comes mostly from the fact of who in their right mind is going to take a check or credit card from someone buying weed?

The North Carolina bathroom bill has cost the state a reported $4 Billion. Talk about throwing money down the crapper.

The North Carolina bathroom bill has cost the state a reported $4 Billion. Just think how far $4 Billion would go just in urinal cakes?

The Olsen twins have settled a lawsuit that will have them paying 185 former interns. People were shocked. What do the Olsen twins even do that requires having interns?

The Olsen twins have settled a lawsuit that will have them paying 185 former interns. The Olsen twins need interns? What for? It’s not like they need anyone to even carry around a sandwich.

The Olsen twins have settled a lawsuit that will have them paying 185 former interns. Apparently they would strategically position the interns around the studio during filming so they could whisper their lines to them.

Final bids for Donald Trump’s border wall are due Wednesday. So far they have had three bids from a family of porcine builders, one for making the wall out of straw, one from sticks and the third one made out of wolf-proof bricks.

A poll says half of Americans consider themselves concerned global warming believers. The other half is the guy next to you at the stoplight in a pickup truck with a Trump sticker, hitch testicles and the driver spitting tobacco out the window.

The man who holds the world’s consecutive free throw record has died at age 94. His top mark was 2,750 in a row. That beat Shaquille O’Neal’s NBA best by only 2,748.

The man who holds the world’s consecutive free throw record has died at age 94. As a career podiatrist, the question is why he was never able to score a shoe endorsement?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks once again for checking out the blog. Had a pretty good day today, giving you a wide variety of jokes. Although I am having trouble keeping up with the requests for some that are actually funny. I’m working on it! In the meantime, what keeps me going is when those of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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