Sunday, March 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Twitter is exploring a subscription based option. Which may be a good idea for the struggling site because who wouldn’t pay good money to be able to make sure they could still get instant access to all of Donald Trump’s daily rants?

A report says robots could take over 38% of all jobs in another 15 years. The other 62% of jobs would still go to the people who would be enslaved as the robots’ personal servants.

NASA is planning on smashing a spaceship into an asteroid as part of an emergency rehearsal to save humanity. The difference is with this crash landing is that NASA will be this time they will really mean it when they say “We meant to do that.”

A poll says 43% of French voters are still undecided in the final month before their presidential election. As opposed to the U.S. where 43% of the voters after the election are apologizing for what they did.

The GOP has given up on their health care bill. Which is ironic in that the same thing happened to the bill that would have happened to any Americans who would have been covered by the Republicans’ health care plan.

A controversy has erupted in Tennessee over where to permanently bury the remains of President James K. Polk who died in 1849. Although the GOP is offering to cremate him while they are already doing the same thing to their health care bill.

A UK reality TV show sent contestants into seclusion in the Scottish Highlands only to have them return to find the show was canceled. The worst part was once they found out Donald Trump won and Brexit passed, they went straight back into the woods.

Congress has voted to allow controversial hunting practices in Alaska. What more could they possibly allow in a state that let Sarah Palin shoot moose from a helicopter?

Congress has voted to allow controversial hunting practices in Alaska. Which is ironic, seeing how with the health care bill the only thing Republicans in Congress can do is shoot themselves in the foot.

A report says the failure of the health care bill could hurt the prospects for tax reform. Which will be necessary to follow up on all the tax breaks for the wealthy that were the real reason for the health care bill in the first place.

A report says Bill Gates could become the world’s first trillionaire in the next 25 years. But only if he takes his $85 Billion in Microsoft shares and trades it in for Apple stock.

Congress has rolled back rules that will allow Internet providers to access people’s browsing history. Which means they can make a fortune just from blackmailing men to keep them from showing their wives what they have been looking at online.

A survey says only 18% of Americans are confident they have enough money to make for a comfortable retirement. “Comfortable” meaning they will enjoy their retirement eating cans of 9 Lives cat food instead of dry Friskies.

A survey says only 18% of Americans are confident they have enough money to make for a comfortable retirement. The other 82% are not sure they will be around long enough to put off retiring until they are 90 to make that possible.

A survey says only 18% of Americans are confident they have enough money to make for a comfortable retirement. The other 82% are their workers who are only making minimum wage and don’t have a prayer of ever calling it quits.

A California ham radio outlet is closing after 26 years. The owners are instead going to open up a shop selling rotary phones, typewriters and VCRs.

The coach of UConn’s women’s basketball team went on a Facebook rant saying many college athletes are all about “me, me, me.” Although it’s hard not to feel special when you get to go to college without having to pay it off until you are 60.

A study says a person’s weight doesn’t seem to affect if their knee surgery will be successful. Although they probably wouldn’t have blown out their knees in the first place if they didn’t have to carry around an extra 250 pounds.

A study says facial injuries are becoming common in nursing homes. Mostly because it’s hard when you are 95 and heavily medicated to not fall asleep face down in a bowl of hot soup.

A study says many end of life talks end up in confusion about medical care in case of incapacitation. Mostly because people don’t trust their heirs to be the ones making the decision of when to pull the plug.

A study says older moms are less likely to scold or punish young children. Especially the ones who are old enough to be too tired and have more important things to do than chase a bratty kid around the house all day.

A study says older moms are less likely to scold or punish young children. Mostly because they tend to be more successful and financially secure and know that is the job of the nanny.

A report says pet owners may shell out more money for health care on their dogs and cats than themselves. At least until the Republicans manage to finally pass their health reform bill.

A report says dental coverage was in danger of being pulled under the proposed Republican health care plan. Mostly because the voters in the red states who support those writing the bill are saying “What’s dental care?”

A study in Denmark says obese people without high blood pressure or other signs of illness are still at a higher risk of heart disease. Which is no surprise, considering the study was done in the country that gave us the cheese Danish.

74 year old Harrison Ford says he was distracted when he landed on the wrong airport runway in February. Apparently he spotted a nearby Carrow’s from the air and was trying to call to make reservations for the early bird dinner.

74 year old Harrison Ford says he was distracted when he landed on the wrong airport runway in February. Apparently he was trying to land as fast as possible as he was late getting to his afternoon shuffleboard match.

Adam Sandler has signed a four movie deal with Netflix. Which apparently is the modern version of what used to be called going straight to video.

Adam Sandler has signed a four movie deal with Netflix. Not only that, Netflix has even assigned his work under the specially created genre of “looking to kill 90 minutes?”

Amy Schumer has backed out of the starring role in the live action “Barbie” movie. Producers were disappointed as they just signed the perfect co-start to play Ken opposite her, Steve Buscemi.

Selena Gomez spent an “inspirational day” with students at an L.A. high school sponsored by Coach. Her message is if you study and work hard and become successful, someday you may also be able to afford to buy something from Coach.

Knicks center Joakim Noah has been suspended for 20 games by the NBA for a drug violation. Unfortunately, he was a classic case of someone susceptible to drug use. He has lots of money, lives in New York and everyone knows he plays for the Knicks.

Phoenix Suns guard Devin Booker scored 70 points in a game against the Boston Celtics. If his teammates wouldn’t have been so busy watching him dominate the game they might have actually chipped in a little more to keep from losing 130-120.

Phoenix Suns guard Devin Booker scored 70 points in a game against the Boston Celtics which they lost 130-120. That prompted even Kobe Bryant to say “Ever heard of a pass?”

A 9 foot tall, 1,200 pound statue of Shaquille O’Neal was unveiled at the Staples Center in L.A. Which any NBA player who has ever been on the court against Shaq calls that, “life-size.”

UCLA freshman Lonzo Ball declared for the NBA draft following the team’s loss to Kentucky at March Madness. Now that he is turning pro, his dad LaVar Ball is already shopping around for the artist to sculpt his bust for the NBA Hall of Fame.

UCLA freshman Lonzo Ball declared for the NBA draft following the team’s loss to Kentucky at March Madness. Which was bad news for his professors at UCLA who were hoping to someday actually get the chance to meet him.

UCLA freshman Lonzo Ball declared for the NBA draft following the team’s loss to Kentucky at March Madness. Which is too bad as he was just getting used to his new dorm room at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

A right wing reporter was demoted for publishing a fake Barack Obama conspiracy theory. Apparently those were only allowed while Obama was still President.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says Artificial Intelligence won’t supplant U.S. jobs for another 50-100 years. Mostly because the robots still consider most the minimum wage jobs we have now as beneath them.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says Artificial Intelligence won’t supplant U.S. jobs for another 50-100 years. So until then it will be the usual of seeing them all outsourced instead to India, China and South Korea.

Bernie Sanders says Democrats should get the credit for killing the Republican health care bill. Which if nothing else is finally the first thing he has ever gone on record agreeing with Donald Trump and Paul Ryan.

Fox News analyst Andrew Napolitano has reportedly telling people Donald Trump considered him for the Supreme Court. Which is now starting to explain how he came up with the whole Obama wiretapping President Trump theory.

Fox News analyst Andrew Napolitano has reportedly telling people Donald Trump considered him for the Supreme Court. Apparently he made the short list right after Judge Joe Brown, Judge Greg Mathis and Judge Judy.

Democratic Representative Adam Schiff and his advisers to stop making groundless accusations. Which is a tough request to make, considering that is pretty much their entire campaign strategy and governing playbook.

Hillary Clinton tweeted about the failure of the Republican health care plan that “today was a victory.” Well, for her better late than November.

Donald Trump says about the failure of his health care proposal “We were very close.” To which the Atlanta Falcons are saying “You too?”

Donald Trump says about the failure of his health care proposal “We were very close.” Which is tough for him to take considering losing a close vote is how he got into the White House in the first place.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, I had a great birthday over the weekend and am now back to work on the jokes. It’s hard to keep a sense of humor when you have to blow out as many candles as I do now. I am just glad you are there for me every day to read my jokes, wrinkle your brow and shrug. My best birthday present is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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