Friday, March 24, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore lead the nation in population loss. Which is understandable in Chicago where people hung around the past 108 years saying they would leave as soon as the Cubs won the ‘Series.

A report says Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore lead the nation in population loss. The reason most are leaving is gun violence which means they aren’t moving very far away, in most cases just six feet down.

A report says Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore lead the nation in population loss. The good news is that it means the economy is finally recovering enough so people have enough money to get out like they have been trying since 2007.

A report says the American dream for many young people involves a lease instead of a mortgage as renters are the majority in half the major cities. Mostly because Millennials find it’s easier to deal with an eviction than a foreclosure.

A dispute over cleaning dirty dishes sparked a brawl between workers at an Alabama Waffle House. People were surprised. The Waffle House washes their dishes?

The laptop ban has created problems for airline profits. Especially for people who booked their flight on United and need their laptop so they can reschedule their connecting flights which were canceled while they were in the air.

Apple says it will start making iPhones in India. Which shows that Donald Trump got his way after saying he wanted to get American companies to stop sending all our jobs to China.

A study says smartphones are dirtier than toilets. Which is no surprise as people use them while in the bathroom to check out online porn and their status on dating sites.

A study says smartphones are dirtier than toilets. Which brings up the question what kind of apps are those people installing?

A study says the new status symbol for some people is humblebragging about how busy they are. Although it really isn’t bragging when all their time is spent between the four minimum wage jobs they need to make ends meet.

A report says NASA has an age-reversing pill that it wants to give to astronauts on Mars. The only question is who wants to live to a ripe old age while they are stuck in total desolation on Mars?

A report says NASA has an age-reversing pill that it wants to give to astronauts on Mars. One question is why doesn’t the government give it to the people on Earth now since they don’t want to give us any health care?

Utah has adopted the nation’s toughest drunk driving law. Which is mostly a result of the people getting drunk every night because they can’t get out of Utah.

Utah has adopted the nation’s toughest drunk driving law. Which isn’t that big of an issue there thanks to the Mormons who have made it so the closest liquor store is in Nevada.

Former Trump adviser Roger Stone says Democrats are engaging in “fear mongering” over reports about Russia. He says if they want to scare people they need to just let the pros in the Republican Party show them how it’s really done.

A Florida fire started during a book burning destroyed ten homes. Which wouldn’t have happened if the people burning the books instead tried to read one once in awhile.

A Florida fire started during a book burning destroyed ten homes. The ironic part is when the people doing the burning will be brought into court and have the judge throw the book at them.

The FCC is cracking down on annoying robocalls. If they want to save Americans from being annoyed at home, why don’t they use their power and do something about all those reality TV shows?

A report says oil spills by Shell that haven’t been cleaned up for eight years led to “astonishingly high” pollution in Nigeria. The only question is why is anyone astonished that an oil spill left for eight years could be a problem?

A report says oil spills by Shell that haven’t been cleaned up for eight years led to “astonishingly high” pollution in Nigeria. Eight years? Who does Shell they think they are, BP?

A report says oil spills by Shell that haven’t been cleaned up for eight years led to “astonishingly high” pollution in Nigeria. Shell says it will clean up the mess just as soon as they get their investment back from money they sent to some local princes.

Casper mattress company has started a hotline people can call that features sleep inducing sounds. Although it turns out it is just a phone number that connects the caller to audio of programming at C-SPAN.

Wells Fargo customers can now use a smartphone to withdraw money from ATMs. Which is good news for the three customers who still have any money left after all the phony charges the bank took from setting them up with fake accounts.

The FCC says 12,000 calls to 911 failed during an AT&T outage. Or as AT&T describes 12,000 failed calls, “Tuesday.”

The FCC says 12,000 calls to 911 failed during an AT&T outage. Fortunately for their customers, a real emergency was avoided during the outage as their fast food ordering apps were still working.

17,000 AT&T workers were back at work in California and Nevada after going on strike just one day. Mostly because none of their customers could even tell there was any difference.

17,000 AT&T workers were back at work in California and Nevada after one day as employees claimed they were being forced to work outside their area of expertise. Unfortunately for customers, that expertise has nothing to do with communications.

Ford, Amazon and Starbucks are teaming up to let people order and pay for coffee from their cars. That means they are just a couple of comedians away from being sued for copyright infringement by Jerry Seinfeld.

Ford, Amazon and Starbucks are teaming up to let people order and pay for coffee from their cars. You would think they would have learned about what happens when you mix hot coffee and cars from what happened to McDonald’s.

Ford, Amazon and Starbucks are teaming up to let people order and pay for coffee from their cars. Mostly because the only vehicles with enough cash on hand to go through the Starbucks drive-thru are armor plated.

A study says drinking a glass of pure fruit juice doesn’t cause weight gain in kids. Unless they are using the drink to wash down their lunch of two Big Macs, a large order of fries and apple pie.

Scientists say they are able to reverse DNA aging in mice. To which everyone else is asking why?

A study says that lungs are not just for breathing, but also help in forming blood. On the bad side, they are also what makes for the sound that comes out of the mouth of Justin Bieber.

A study says older women make wise mothers. Although if they are so smart, why did they forget to take their birth control?

Egypt suspended school meal services after hundreds of children were struck down with food poisoning. The good news is that until now the students thought that Salmonella was the name of an ancient Pharaoh.

John Mayer says his new song is about ex-girlfriend Katy Perry. To which Taylor Swift is saying “Well, that’s original.”

Willie Nelson’s publicist is denying rumors the 83 year old singer is near death. For one thing, it will take him at least two years to come down enough from being so stoned to even realize it if he had died.

Rob Lowe and his sons are set to star in a reality show about unexplained phenomenon. The first episode has to do with how Seth Rogen keeps finding work in Hollywood.

John Mayer says he regrets his “bad boy” lifestyle. Yes, it is a shame he fell into such a horrible existence of being a famous musician who is wealthy beyond belief and gets to date the most beautiful women in the world. What was he thinking?

A report says fans of the TV show “CHiPs” are upset about the upcoming movie based on the program. What’s worse is that it comes right as they were finally getting over “The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island.”

Kate Winslet says she was bullied as a child being called “blubber.” What’s worse is that when those same people heard she was in the movie “Titanic” they assumed she got the role of the ship.

Kate Winslet says she was bullied as a child being called “blubber.” What’s worse is that even after winning her Oscar she was offered the title role in “Free Willy 2.”

Police in Peru seized $85 Million in cocaine that were packaged featuring a picture of Barcelona soccer star Lionel Messi. It was the first time the word “blow” was associated with soccer since the vuvuzela was outlawed during games.

Police in Peru seized $85 Million in cocaine that were packaged featuring a picture of Barcelona soccer star Lionel Messi. Apparently it was being sold to fans in order so they could stay awake through a four hour overtime 0-0 tie.

The FBI has returned the recovered Super Bowl jerseys of Tom Brady to Gillette Stadium. The person who stole the uniforms is being charged with theft, extortion and not having the decency to at least run them through the washing machine.

A 15 year old boy in Spain sued his mother for taking away his iPhone. Which shows Donald Trump’s travel ban should be struck down as children in all parts of the world are just as spoiled and entitled as they are in the U.S.

A data analysis says if music service Spotify was a CD store, it would be bigger than Greece. And if it carried DVDs of musicals as well, it would be bigger than “Grease.”

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick told Jesse Jackson that diversity will be a priority at his company. Which means Kalanick will treat all drivers no matter their ethnicity or sex with the same amount of physical and verbal abuse.

WikiLeaks says the CIA is targeting Apple products. Mostly just for the fun of messing with the FBI and making them go crazy when they can’t figure out how to hack into them.

Ride sharing site Lyft says its drivers so far have made $200 Million in tips. Although $199 Million of that was for the lucky driver who gave Bill Gates a ride when his car broke down three blocks away from his house.

Ride sharing site Lyft says its drivers so far have made $200 Million in tips. Which means total income for all drivers since the company started now comes to somewhere around $200 Million.

A survey says young people use Tinder not so much for dating or sex but to boost their confidence. Especially when their profile pictures are of Robert Pattinson and Kate Upton.

Cubs President Theo Epstein has been named by Fortune Magazine as the Greatest Leader in the World. Who could possibly beat out the person who got Boston and Chicago their first World Series wins after a combined drought of 194 years?

Cubs President Theo Epstein has been named by Fortune Magazine as the Greatest Leader in the World. It was a tough choice over Vladimir Putin. It can’t be easy having to call the shots now for two of the world’s top super powers.

Energy Secretary Rick Perry wrote a column expressing his displeasure at the election of the student body president at Texas A&M. Although it’s tough to take him seriously when as a candidate he and 15 other Republicans couldn’t even make it through the primary season against Donald Trump.

Energy Secretary Rick Perry wrote a column expressing his displeasure at the election of the student body president at Texas A&M. Although at this point it’s not sure if he has the clout to overturn the election of the homecoming king and queen.

A new poll suggests that President Trump may have already lost his credibility. To which most people are asking just when it was that he actually had any in the first place?

A new poll suggests that President Trump may have already lost his credibility. The only question is whether it was from the haircut, reality TV show or having his campaign run by Russian hackers.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, tomorrow is my birthday. I won’t say how old I am but you might be able to field a guess from my constant political references back to the Coolidge Administration. I thank you all for another year of checking out the jokes. If you must get me a present, cash in small, unmarked bills is good. Or even better you can just remember to always keep on sending the love!


1 comment:

Ben said...

Great jokes ^^

Noticed a few about Trump.. got a few myself at shittyjokes.com - News and Politic jokes