Thursday, March 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“Gong Show” creator Chuck Barris has died at age 87. He claims that in the 1960s he was an assassin for the CIA. Which finally explains this whole files breach by WikiLeaks, the Russian election hack and spying on presidential candidates.

“Gong Show” creator Chuck Barris has died at age 87. He also created “The Dating Game” which to people in the 1960s was the pre-Internet version of Tinder.

Researchers says brain scans of people watching movies can predict how much money the films will take in. The tough part is monitoring people watching any Adam Sandler films and getting anything more than a flatline.

An Alzheimer’s test can reportedly predict when the disease will appear. Patients can expect bad news if they are asked by test administrators to pay cash up front.

A survey says one in four people believe robots would make better politicians than people. Those are the same people who wish the 2000 election would have gone to Al Gore.

A survey says one in four people believe robots would make better politicians than people. Which is ironic in that we still can’t go to the polls and be sure the electronic voting machines are working correctly.

A report says ISIS is tracking American soldiers online. The good news is that it is tough to identify any Marines since its impossible to find pictures of them online where they are wearing any clothes.

A study says losing the sense of smell can predict an early death. Mostly because those people are much more likely to go ahead and eat what they are served at Taco Bell.

A poll sees optimism growing with age. Mostly for the people who have reached age 70 who know they only have another 20 years before they can finally afford to retire.

A poll sees optimism growing with age. Two thirds of those 70 or older rate their lives excellent or very good. Mostly because they are getting to the point where they think it may be just another few years before their kids move out of their basement.

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. Of course, that is mostly what it takes to cover the cost of their funeral.

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. Which is why on their deathbeds, many of them utter the last words “I win!”

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. To which many seniors are saying it would have been different if only they hadn’t been talked into joining the Columbia House record club back in 1967.

A report says Payless shoe stores will be filing bankruptcy soon. Which is ironic since it means their creditors are about to be paid a lot less.

Starbucks says it will create 240,000 jobs by 2021. In fact, they are already getting people standing outside their stores holding signs saying “Will barista for coffee.”

A report says Brazil’s meat exports are collapsing in the wake of a meat inspection scandal. To which the FDA is saying “meat inspections?”

The tomb where Jesus was believed to be buried will reopen after extensive restoration. Although workers are being criticized as it is being finished way too late for the viewing.

Malaysia says it won’t censor the new “Power Rangers” movie that features a gay character. People were surprised that one of the Power Rangers is gay. The others for now will just be assumed to still be in denial.

A study says Chicago will lose $17 Million in revenue by delaying their red light cameras by two tenths of a second. It’s Chicago. They could slow their cameras by 20 minutes and still catch red light runners who are stuck in the intersection.

A study says Chicago will lose $17 Million in revenue by delaying their red light cameras by two tenths of a second. Or as most Americans call throwing away $17 Million in two tenths of a second, the national budget.

The Army says it is preparing for war that takes place in megacities with populations of more than 10 Million people. Which means Donald Trump really is serious about taking back all those American jobs that went to India.

17,000 AT&T workers in California and Nevada went on strike this week. To which AT&T customers across the region are asking how anyone can tell.

Sears and Kmart say they might not have enough money to restock their shelves. Retail experts were confused. Who is still going into Sears and Kmart and buying anything off the shelf?

Sears and Kmart say they might not have enough money to restock their shelves. Although even if they did have money, where is Sears going to find any floral print wide ties and bell bottom slacks to replace what is currently in stock?

A survey says 94% of tech workers say they give the industry a passing grade when it comes to diversity. In fact most of them report recently seeing someone on the job who wasn’t a white male with glasses, a beard and a man bun wearing a Polo shirt.

Sears says it has “substantial doubt” about its future. To which investors, customers and competitors are saying “You’re just figuring that out now?”

Federal authorities in Puerto Rico say they have confiscated 40,000 counterfeit condoms from China. That’s a good thing. How trustworthy are condoms coming from a country that has a population of 1.3 Billion?

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. The only problem is that after the test, users report having a really gummed up touch screen.

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. What’s even easier is that the sperm sample can be obtained by just leaving the phone in a front pocket while leaving it set on “vibrate.”

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. Although men who use their phones to bingewatch Netflix and look at cat videos all day don’t have to worry about the chance at ever becoming a father anyway.

A study says many women start off their pregnancy with a poor diet. Which makes sense as drinking all night without eating anything is probably how they got pregnant in the first place.

Mylan has recalled 80,000 EpiPens over a defect. The company is now thinking that maybe some of their price increase to $600 a unit could have been used to actually improve the product instead of going directly into the CEO’s stock portfolio.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced there will be fewer commercials during televised games. Especially during the post game so people in the locker room will have less time during the breaks to steal players’ memorabilia.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced there will be fewer commercials during televised games. The only exception will be during instant replay reviews where officials need about 75 commercials before they actually make a decision.

“Married At First Sight” stars Sonia Granados and Nick Pendergrast have announce they are getting divorced after less than a year of marriage. Or as they say in reality TV, they aren’t renewing each other for a second season.

“Married At First Sight” stars Sonia Granados and Nick Pendergrast have announce they are getting divorced after less than a year of marriage. Which means they could start up a new show called “Marriage At First Sight…On Second Thought, Divorce.”

Lindsay Lohan is starting a reality show where she causes mahem on people’s social media accounts and makes them do embarrassing challenges to win prizes. Which kind of sounds like a capsulated version of Lohan’s career.

Lindsay Lohan is starting a reality show where she causes mahem on people’s social media accounts and makes them do embarrassing challenges to win prizes. Although it would be just as entertaining to put a camera on Lohan while she drives herself between clubs on a Saturday night.

Jordan Spieth and Rory McIlroy lost in the first round of round robin play at the WCG Match Play in Austin to Hideto Tanihara and Soren Kjeldsen. And you thought your NCAA brackets were messed up after the Duke and Villanova games.

Phil Mickelson says he won’t be called to testify as a witness in an insider trading trial he was involved in. As a golfer, Mickelson believes that any penalties should be called by the defendant on himself.

Phil Mickelson says he won’t be called to testify as a witness in an insider trading trial he was involved in. The question is, why would Mickelson get involved with those people in the first place. How much more money does a guy need who marks his ball with an 1849 gold Double Eagle?

Roger Goodell has revealed changes that will speed up the pace of football games. To which the Atlanta Falcons are still trying to figure out how they could have done away with the last two minutes of the Super Bowl.

An anatomy analysis is changing scientists’ minds about the makeup of the dinosaur family tree. That and someone sent in some DNA from a T-Rex to Ancestry.com.

The oldest Vespa motor scooter in existence is up for auction. The only question is why would anyone want to even be seen driving around on a new one?

A report says the supply of Bay Area starter homes is rising. Which in the Bay Area, a “starter” home means that buying one starts you on a debt that you will have to live to be 157 years old to pay off.

A new school in Portland, Maine is teaching Millennials how to grow up. The first thing is how about trying to be an adult yourself instead of enrolling at a school to have someone tell you how?

A new school in Portland, Maine is teaching Millennials how to grow up. It’s too bad they just can’t walk upstairs from the basement they are living in and ask their parents.

A bill in Mississippi restricts politicians from using campaign money for personal expenses. Apparently until now there has been no law there against stealing.

A bill in Mississippi restricts politicians from using campaign money for personal expenses. As of now, politicians there will just have to rely on the old school method of padding their wallets with bribes, kickbacks and payoffs.

John McCain says Congress is “not credible enough” to handle investigations into Russia’s ties to the Trump Administration. How bad is it to get a credibility lecture from the person who picked Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate?

Nevada has approved the ERA, 35 years after the passage deadline of 1982. Next, they will start working on the women’s right to vote, the Civil Rights Act and integrating schools.

Donald Trump’s approval ratings are down to 37% with his honesty ratings an even lower 35%. At least he can finally say that there are now two things that his numbers were higher than on Election Day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the day that Congress will vote on the Obamacare repeal. This ought to be interesting. Republicans are trying to do something they said was impossible, coming up with a worse plan than the ACA. Here’s how it works: Make health care so expensive that everyone will become motivated to become a millionaire so they can afford to have it. Brilliant. We will become the wealthiest nation in world history. Two things, just don’t get sick and remember to keep on always sending the love!



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