Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon is expanding a program to remove counterfeit goods from their website. The only problem is that the message was sent out through Amezun.com.

Amazon is expanding a program to remove counterfeit goods from their website. Jeff Bezos wants to make sure his customers get only the honest to goodness cheap crap that only Amazon can deliver.

Twitter has suspended 636,000 accounts to tackle extremism. Although no one will consider their efforts completely sincere as long as there is still activity coming from the account of Donald Trump.

Pope Francis I is telling young people to resist the “fake” reality of social media. The only problem is that most young adults are skeptical whether the report was legitimate or from some fake news site.

Pope Francis I is telling young people to resist the “fake” reality of social media. He told them all they really need to do is keep coming to church, donating money while praying and they will all go to Heaven.

Rich New Yorkers are asking the state to raise their taxes. Mostly because the wealthy are always looking for new experiences that they can try for the first time.

Rich New Yorkers are asking the state to raise their taxes. Which makes about as much sense and will get the same results as going into Central Park and asking someone to punch them in the face.

A study says access to nature reduces depression and obesity. Mostly because being out in the woods means having to walk 20 miles to get to the nearest McDonald’s or Little Caesar’s.

A study says one third of Americans may have trouble coming up with an emergency $2,000. Which is sad knowing that anymore, “life” and “emergency” savings are pretty much the same thing.

A study says one third of Americans may have trouble coming up with an emergency $2,000. The other two thirds are standing on freeway exits with signs saying “Will work for food.”

Experts fear a big L.A. earthquake could cause land to sink as much as three feet. Which is good news for people who want to sell their homes and can advertise it as having a sunken living room, sunken bathtub and sunken everything.

Goldman Sachs is building a robo-adviser to provide financial advice to the masses. Because what could go wrong with people taking advice from one of the companies that took their life savings when it crashed the global economy back in 2007?

A woman is being charged with using a Bible to sneak drugs into a Mississippi jail. Apparently authorities became suspicious when an inmate requested a visit from a woman who would have a Bible in the first place.

Middle Eastern airlines are prohibiting electronic devices on flights. The good news is that passengers will still be able to bring along their chickens, goats and donkeys.

Middle Eastern airlines are prohibiting electronic devices on flights. Although what they should really be concerned about is passengers who are boarding while wearing any kind of vest.

A type of bumblebee has been put on the endangered species list for the first time ever. Which serves those insects right for letting one of them sting Donald Trump.

A pilot who passed out in the cockpit before a flight in Canada has pleaded guilty to being impaired. Until now, pilots were only considered drunk if they passed out while still in the pilots’ lounge.

A pilot who passed out in the cockpit before a flight in Canada has pleaded guilty to being impaired. That is one aviator who really put the “air” in “impaired.”

Diving tours of the Titanic wreck site will begin next year, costing $105,000. Which is a lot of money considering people can have the same real life experience for $2,000 by booking a cruise with Carnival.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch says Donald Trump is not above the law. He is also not above lying, abusing his power or using social media to start World War III.

A study says the world’s healthiest people eat a lot of pasta. Which is questionable. When is the last time you saw any skinny people out at the Olive Garden?

A 25 year old sea turtle in Thailand has died after eating nearly 1,000 coins. The sad part is the turtle was just looking for a little change in her diet.

A report says the GOP healthcare proposal would be worse for Americans than just completely repealing Obamacare. That’s like being stranded on a deserted island for weeks and getting rescued by a ship that only serves food from Taco Bell.

A Silicon Valley startup is offering $10,000 for new hires to leave the Bay Area. Mostly because if they gave them $10,000 to stay that would cover rent, parking and tolls for about a month.

A writer is suing Disney, claiming they stole his idea for the movie “Zootopia.” Really, where else would a company like Disney ever come up with a movie featuring computer generated animated animals that talk?

Fox News has sidelined commentator Andrew Napolitano after his unfounded claims that Donald Trump’s phones were wiretapped. Those kinds of statements are only allowed to be made by Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Lou Dobbs.

The U.S. and UK are citing the threat of terror in barring electronic devices on flights from the Middle East. Although for most Americans, the most terrorizing thought possible is having to sit through an entire flight without their cellphone or laptop.

The U.S. and UK are citing the threat of terror in barring electronic devices on flights from the Middle East. Apparently that is the Trump Administration’s way around the travel ban as no electronic devices pretty much means no passengers.

General Mills says that yogurt with more fat and better taste is hurting the sales of light yogurt. Although people who want diet yogurt can pretty much get the same experience by drinking out of a carton of skim milk that has gone bad.

General Mills says that yogurt with more fat and better taste is hurting the sales of light yogurt. Mostly because Americans like the idea of eating healthy, but only if they can include enough fat, sugar and salt to make it completely unhealthy.

Donald Trump is warning House Republicans they could lose their seats in 2018 if they don’t vote for his health care bill. Which is similar to most Americans who if the bill passes and they get sick will also end up losing their rear ends.

Morton Deutsch, an expert on conflict resolution has died at age 97. Apparently after the November election he figured why stick around when no one has listened to a word he said?

Morton Deutsch, an expert on conflict resolution has died at age 97. If anyone questioned his knowledge on resolving conflicts, the only proof he needed was that he was able to stay married for nearly seven decades.

A report predicts a “troubling” shortage of doctors in the U.S. by 2030. Which isn’t that big of a deal because by then Trumpcare will see to it that only three Americans will still have any health insurance.

Chuck Berry’s music sales went up 9,000% after his death last week. Which should worry Justin Bieber that his record company might think it’s a win-win situation for everyone if they shoot him.

Chuck Berry’s music sales went up 9,000% after his death last week. Which would be a fitting tribute if he could finally get a number one song on the charts other than “My Ding-a-Ling.”

A New York hospital has released a playlist of 40 songs with 100 beats per minute that can be used for CPR. They will soon come out with a follow up album called “Pumpin’ to the Oldies.”

A New York hospital has released a playlist of 40 songs with 100 beats per minute that can be used for CPR. The problem is that when anyone uses a song from Kanye West, the victim tells them to turn it off and they will just take their chances.

Jennifer Lopez says when she started out she was so poor she could only eat one slice of pizza a day. Fortunately, her career was made on account of where all those slices of pizza over the years eventually ended up.

Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to Meals on Wheels. And who better to make sure that some of the elderly are able to have delivery of a nice sit-down meal?

Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey was found in Mexico. Although authorities are still searching for the Atlanta Falcons defensive line.

Donald Trump has made a 2033 Mars mission an official goal of NASA. Which makes sense as a trip to the red planet will be a nice way to commemorate being elected with the help of the Red Army.

Donald Trump has made a 2033 Mars mission an official goal of NASA. A more immediate goal will be to see if his administration can hang on to the White House even until 2020.

Apple has brought out a cheap 9.7” iPad. Don’t they already have that? It’s called the iPhone 6 Plus.

A report says the wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen for the first time since the Great Recession. Which is only fitting since causing the Great Recession is how they all became wealthy in the first place.

Rex Tillerson says he didn’t want the job of Secretary of State. Mostly because when you are the CEO of a major oil company why take any job that doesn’t pay millions of dollars a year for doing pretty much nothing?

Rex Tillerson says he didn’t want the job of Secretary of State. He felt it was time to give back and instead of being the beneficiary of Middle East wars he should become a diplomat and be the one starting them.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. What would be more surprising is if most Americans even knew who Abraham Lincoln was.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Even more difficult is convincing most people that Donald Trump is a Republican.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Which is fitting because Trump’s health replacement plan will give most Americans the same kind of results Lincoln had after going to Ford’s Theater.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Which is hard to believe because if he was a real Republican he would have insisted on being on higher denominations than the penny and $5 bill.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch at his hearing said “Of course women can be President.” Good thing for him that one isn’t or he would never have been nominated in the first place.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch at his hearing said “Of course women can be President.” Although that might not be a good thing as he represents the party that gave us Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Carly Fiorina.

Arizona Senator Jeff Flake asked Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch if he would rather fight “one horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses.” At least that explains how the Senator ended up with his last name.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley left the hearing of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch early so he could make his 9:00 bedtime. What was even weirder is that it was at 9:00 AM.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley left the hearing of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch early so he could make his 9:00 bedtime. Not only that, he had to be home in time to yell at the neighborhood kids to “Get off my lawn!”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer says Republicans voting against the GOP health care bill “could pay a price.” Especially if it ever gets to the point where members of Congress actually have to sign up using their own plan.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I love the report that the GOP health care plan would actually be worse than if Obamacare was repealed with no replacement. Only Congress could waste seven years trying to overturn a policy and stick us with something that causes more harm. I am starting to believe that theory that the universe is actually a simulation. No one could screw things up this badly if it were for real. I just hope they do a better job when the actual version comes out. In the meantime, I will just continue to be happy in my own reality when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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