Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The FBI says it has tracked down Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. Now that they have gotten that out of the way, they can go back to trying to figure out how to access criminals’ iPhones and if anyone was wiretapping Donald Trump.

Kim Jong-un has vowed to reduce the U.S. to “ashes” with nuclear strikes. To which people who live in states that have legalized marijuana are saying, “too late.”

Conservative students at a Lutheran college in Minnesota say they have been “violently threatened” because of their political beliefs. The question is, what else are there going to be at a Lutheran college besides conservative students?

A study says having sex with your partner brings 48 hours of an “afterglow.” As opposed to your partner finding out you have had sex with someone else and it results in the “afterlife.”

The list of the happiest countries in the world is topped by Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Switzerland and Finland. Mostly because the news of global warming means they are finally getting a break on their year round heating bills.

A list puts the U.S. in 14th place of the world’s happiest countries. And that’s mostly because of the few people left who can appreciate the simple things in life, like still having a job, health insurance and their home.

A survey says nearly half of all Canadians want illegal immigrants deported. Mostly the Americans who keep coming across the border ever since Donald Trump was elected President.

Malibu is offering sanctuary for illegal aliens. Who can stay there as long as they are making the minimum Malibu cost of living salary of $500,000 a year.

Malibu is offering sanctuary for illegal aliens. Mostly because there is no way those Hollywood celebrities and business tycoons are going to resort to having to  trim their own hedges and clean their own pools.

Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey was reportedly found in Mexico. Now at least we know why Brady has been so supportive of the President who campaigned on building a border wall.

North Korea says it is not afraid of the U.S. threat of a military strike. Mostly because what we call total nuclear destruction in North Korea is known as “urban renewal.”

A Sydney airline grounded five planes when a propeller fell off in mid-flight. It was the biggest disaster involving a prop since Carrot Top.

A report says some employers are trying to help workers with their retirement income with a lifetime income plan. Which will be more of a possibility now that the retirement age for most people has been pushed back to somewhere around 90.

A report says some employers are trying to help workers with their retirement income with a lifetime income plan. Which for some companies means shooting their workers when they hit 70.

A report says the Trump budget cuts are threatening the food supply for millions of kids in poor countries. Which apparently is his way of getting back at the world for making fun of him putting ketchup on a $54 steak.

A report says the Trump budget cuts threaten the food supply for millions of kids in poor countries. Trump says those kids will thank him when the U.S. instead spends that money invading the Middle East so they can have cheap gas for their SUVs.

Beijing is deploying facial recognition technology to catch public restroom toilet paper thieves. Apparently it has to do with a new app where people have the option to “wipe right.”

Donald Trump says he may want a 0% tax rate. Only this time he means for people other than himself.

Donald Trump says he may want a 0% tax rate. Which should be easy for all the people laid off from minimum wage jobs who no longer have any health insurance.

A report says workers who spend too much time traveling for work could have cause for a court case. Especially if their employers force them to fly United, Stay at Hilton hotels and eat at TGI Friday’s.

Costco is suing Titleist, claiming their popular Kirkland golf balls do not violate on any Titleist patents. Besides, the Costco brand is only bought by people who can find room to store a pallet of 25 dozen balls.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this spring. Which translates to double the profits just from the fees they are stuck with paying on each flight.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this spring. Which means they can cut back to half the number of flights and still squeeze everyone on board.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this spring. Mostly people traveling on United who book in the spring so they can get to where they are going in time for their summer vacation.

Donald Trump dropped 220 spots on the Forbes billionaires list. Even worse, it looks like he will be completely off the list if they ever get hold of the rest of that leaked tax return.

The president of Uber has quit only after six months on the job. Apparently due to financial difficulties at the ride share he just didn’t have time to run the company and pull a full driver’s shift.

The president of Uber has quit only after six months on the job. Apparently he was afraid that due to budget cuts he might have been forced to share a ride with unstable CEO Travis Kalanick.

A study says sitcoms give TV advertisers the best return on their investment. Although more are putting their money on cable news which gets millions of viewers every time they just put a camera on Donald Trump for his latest rant.

A study says Millennials will soon start to watch more broadcast TV. Especially when they reach middle age and realize it is just too much work to work the controls of video games, send texts and post on Facebook.

A study says ATMs and coffee shops are good locations to put defibrillators. Especially for the people who go into cardiac arrest when they realize they emptied the ATM to pay off their monthly bill at Starbucks.

A study says when hospital inspectors are in town, fewer patients die. Mostly because losing a patient is never good but the last thing hospital workers want to be yelled at for it.

A study says the duration of opioid prescriptions may determine which patients are more likely to become addicted. For instance, one day prescriptions have a 6% addiction rate; eight days a 14% rate and 31 days should come with a reservation at the rehab clinic.

A study says the doctor that a patient sees can determine how long they use opioids. The ones whose doctor used to see Rush Limbaugh can pretty much count on coming out of the office with a three year supply.

A study says the doctor that a patient sees can determine how long they use opioids. Those who want longer prescriptions would be better off seeing the doctor who does his office visits out of the trunk of his car.

A Russian search engine compiling data says the only person mentioned as appearing in dreams there is Vladimir Putin. The only difference is in the U.S. when Donald Trump appears to people when they sleep it is classified as a nightmare.

“The Big Bang Theory” has been renewed for another two years. The stars of the ensemble show make so much money that cuts to the other programs mean that “Two Broke Girls” is now the term for how everyone else at CBS ends up at contract negotiations.

Penelope Cruz is set to play Donatella Versace in an episode of “American Crime Story.” The only problem is scheduling Rick Baker to be able to make a pair of prosthetic lips big enough for Cruz to play the part.

Woody Harrelson says he has given up smoking pot. Apparently for some people  it’s no longer enjoyable to use once it became legal.

The NFL is proposing shortening overtime to 10 minutes instead of 15. Now if they could just do the same thing for the amount of time officials spend on instant replay review.

The U.S. is barring large electronic devices on foreign flights. Which is good news for  people who are forced to sit next to passengers who insists on bringing a big screen TV on flights to hook up to their laptop for some inflight Netflix bingewatching.

Visa’s payment enabled sunglasses are ready to be worn to the beach. Which will allow men to pay for treatment at the local EmergiCare when their wives realize the sunglasses are so they can’t be caught checking out all the other women.

Arianna Huffington says Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is evolving. So far his behavior indicates he has made it all the way from Neanderthal to Cro-Magnon.

A survey says 78% of Americans say they are afraid to ride in a fully self-driving vehicle. Mostly because they wouldn’t know what to do with their time if they weren’t able to criticize the person driving.

Bill Gates is ranked as the world’s richest person for the fourth straight year with a net worth of $86.8 Billion. His fortune is made up of $11.4 Billion in Microsoft stock with the rest from 1 Billion unites of unsold Zune devices.

Bill Gates is ranked as the world’s richest person for the fourth straight year with a net worth of $86.8 Billion. Which means at this point he may finally have enough money to where his wife gives him permission to go out and pay for a nice haircut.

A London woman who performed a cover of an Ed Sheeran song on Facebook was banned by the site for three days. Apparently there is a copyright against anyone singing his songs who has actually combed their hair.

A London woman who performed a cover of an Ed Sheeran song on Facebook was banned by the site for three days. Which is still considerably less than the recommended punishment for singing Justin Bieber songs of a ban for life.

The former owner of a dry cleaning shop in California was arrested for defrauding customers out of $350,000. Which means his customers went to the cleaners only to be taken to the cleaners.

The FBI is warning that Russia will strike U.S. elections again. Although the question is how much worse could they do to us than getting Donald Trump elected as our President?

The FBI is warning that Russia will strike U.S. elections again. If they only had access to some intelligence gathering equipment and personnel who were trained to stop that kind of interference.

A study says Americans are quitting their jobs at the fastest rate in 16 years. Mostly because what’s the harm in leaving one job to go to the other when they are all paying the same minimum wage?

EBay says it will start guaranteeing three day delivery on 20 Million items. Which is good news for the people who pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to find the Jesus toast they bid on has gone stale.

A survey says one in ten Americans say they will die in debt. Which is good news for those who want to die the same way they lived.

A survey says one in ten Americans say they will die in debt. The other nine obviously haven’t taken a good look at their bank account, 401(k) or stock portfolios lately.

Ivanka Trump has been given security clearance, a West Wing office and access to classified information. Which seems a bit much just to keep track of which retailers are dropping her merchandise lines.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, isn’t it great they found Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey. I’m sure all those Americans who are on the verge of losing their health care will be able to sleep so much better at night. Ironically, it doesn’t do a thing for all the people who lost their shirts betting on the Falcons. All I know is that I feel like I am on the winning team every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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