Thursday, March 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Researchers say moral outrage is self-serving. To which most people are saying “How dare they even suggest that!”

Experts say emotional posts on Facebook may be a scam. Although many users would rather be suckered into donating money to a fake cause then spend the rest of their time on the site seeing what all their friends ate for breakfast.

Experts say emotional posts on Facebook may be a scam. Although the real scam is Mark Zuckerberg making billions of dollars just from allowing people to share cat videos.

The producer of the Oscars telecast is comparing the Best Picture mix-up to the Hindenburg. Although in Hollywood terms, it would probably be more accurate to equate it with “Waterworld.”

A report says tourists on a flight to the Moon will face constant vomiting and the need to pee. In other words, they can expect the journey to basically be a weekend fraternity party.

A report says tourists on a flight to the Moon will face constant vomiting and the need to pee. Which means they are paying millions of dollars for the same experience as travelers who are served a bad sandwich and are stuck on the tarmac for three hours flying United.

Twitter is turning to algorithms to clamp down on abusive content. Apparently they will be using a program that looks for any tweets that originate from or contain the word “Trump.”

A study says there are 20 gallons of pee in most public pools. The worst part is that is the safest ingredient in any of the public swimming locations in Flint, Michigan.

Antarctica reached a record high of 63.5 degrees this week. The temperature was so high, researchers living there had to turn off the air conditioners they usually use to make it warmer.

Antarctica reached a record high of 63.5 degrees this week. Or as they call 63.5 degrees in Saudi Arabia, “absolute zero.”

Antarctica reached a record high of 63.5 degrees this week. People living in Hawaii were confused. None of the thermometers there even go below 72 degrees.

A study says people with desk jobs need to walk at least seven miles to compensate for the risk of heart disease. Unfortunately, that doesn’t include the seven miles people walk from their desk and back to go outside every day on cigarette break.

A Florida man celebrated his 90th birthday by doing 24 pull-ups. Although it really doesn’t count as it turns out the pull-ups he did were with his depends.

A report says the risk of earthquakes in Oklahoma are similar to living in California. Which is sad for the people who put up with the heat, tornadoes, and isolation whose one bragging right of living in Oklahoma was never having any earthquakes.

A report says Millennials are turning to etiquette classes to brush up on basic social skills. The sad part is they are asking if they can take the classes online because thanks to their devices they haven’t actually talked to another person since 1998.

A report says Millennials are turning to etiquette classes to brush up on basic social skills. Thanks to only using Uber and having no interaction with people because of devices, they have lost the ability to know how to flip off another driver.

A report says Venezuela is down to its last $10 Billion. As opposed to the U.S. which because of our national debt is now only down to its last negative $20 Trillion.

Biologists are asking residents of Alaska to start counting the local moose population. Although thanks to global warming, the people there are spending more of their time keeping track of the number of sightings of giraffes.

A poll says one third of Americans wouldn’t miss California if the state seceded. Especially the people in Oregon who would have claim to being the new west coast southland.

A poll says one third of Americans wouldn’t miss California if the state seceded. Mostly Republicans who could finally say adios to the automatic 55 electoral votes they see going to the Democrats every presidential election.

A group in France is pushing for Barack Obama to run for president there. He can’t run not being French, but apparently the group is trying to change the constitution to allow candidates who were born in either the U.S. or Kenya.

Pope Francis I led a service on Ash Wednesday. Ironically, it is the ashes inside people’s bongs ever since marijuana became legal that is making people give something up for Lent other than pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

The head of Australia’s postal service has resigned after it was revealed his yearly salary was $4.3 Million. Who does he think he is, some kind of private sector CEO?

The head of Australia’s postal service has resigned after it was revealed his yearly salary was $4.3 Million. The U.S. Postmaster General makes $416,000 a year. But that is justified based on 1965 pay standards since that is how far the Post Office is currently behind in their deliveries.

A report says the King of Saudi Arabia travels with 500 tons of luggage. The worst part is for the other people flying economy with him who have to deal with him trying to fit it all under his seat to avoid paying the baggage fees.

A report says the King of Saudi Arabia travels with 500 tons of luggage. Mostly because he likes to travel economy on United and that way he knows at least three of his suitcases have a chance at landing at the right destination.

A report says the King of Saudi Arabia travels with 500 tons of luggage. Apparently he would rather be dead than be seen meeting two different heads of state while wearing the same robe and headdress.

The Price Waterhouse accountants responsible for the Best Picture fiasco reportedly won’t ever be back to the Oscars. Although at least they can say they are in good company as that was the same thing the Academy says about Chevy Chase, David Letterman and Seth McFarlane.

The Price Waterhouse accountants responsible for the Best Picture fiasco reportedly won’t ever be back to the Oscars. The worst part was being called on the carpet which was the only one in all of Hollywood that night that wasn’t red.

A report says the Academy pays Price Waterhouse $145,000 to be in charge of the Oscar voting and tabulating. After the Best Picture fiasco, they are going with H&R Block who will let them file not just their taxes but all the award winners for free.

Tesla is now the highest rated U.S. auto brand. Mostly because the only other choices of American made cars are all either Ford, GM or Chrysler.

Tesla is now the highest rated U.S. auto brand. Which is great news for the 275 people who have ever actually bought a Tesla.

Hershey’s new CEO is reportedly outlining a new strategy for the company. Is that necessary? How wrong can you go trying to sell the American public nothing but chocolate?

McDonald’s says it wants to win back customers with online ordering and curbside pickup. Apparently Americans just think it is too much work to have to talk into a speaker and wait thirty seconds behind other cars at the drive-thru window.

The CEO of Uber says he needs to “grow up” after being caught on video berating a driver. Especially where the audio shows him telling the driver “Nyah, nyah!”

The CEO of Uber says he needs to “grow up” after being caught on video berating a driver. For one thing, he wants to mature into the kind of boss who can get a job that gives him his own limo instead of having to catch his rides with Uber.

A report says California is the toughest state for first time homebuyers. Mostly because by the time they actually are able to pay off the mortgage of that first home, most people there are too old to want to go through it all again.

Mercedes Benz showed off a concept of their first pickup truck. The idea of a pickup truck came to Mercedes Benz is about 50 years too late for the person that inspired the idea, Jed Clampett.

Wells Fargo says eight executives will miss out on $32 Million in bonus money because of their part in the fake account scandal. Apparently those poor executives will just have to learn to get by on their salaries, stock options and expense money.

Wells Fargo says eight executives will miss out on $32 Million in bonus money because of their part in the fake account scandal. Fortunately, as bank executives committing crimes they won’t ever need the money for anything like bail.

Subway is denying claims that the chicken in their sandwiches is only 50% real. They say the researchers doing the work overlooked that beaks, bones and feathers are all still part of the chicken.

A study says watching TV hinders kids entering kindergarten. Mostly the ones who think it’s normal to never mature beyond the behavior of the people they see when they watch reality TV, primetime network programming and C-SPAN.

A report says the top plastic surgery procedures are breast implants, eyelifts, facelifts, liposuction and nose jobs. In other words, Americans are pretty much dissatisfied with every single part of their bodies other than their ankles.

A survey says one-third of all Americans worry on any given day. Usually the day that President Trump is scheduled to give another speech.

A survey says one-third of all Americans worry on any given day. The other two-thirds are worried on every given day.

Donald Trump has vowed to “slash restrictions” on drug approval by the FDA. Apparently Trump believes what doesn’t kill a person makes them stronger. And sometimes it can’t be helped if they are killed by their prescription drugs.

Donald Trump has vowed to “slash restrictions” on drug approval by the FDA. Apparently he sees testing as that thing that kept him from getting decent grades in college.

U.S. scientists say they have found a way to thaw cryopreserved tissues. Which means sometime in the near future you might be able to go to a restaurant and see Walt Disney having lunch with Ted Williams.

A study says not exercising is as unhealthy as being obese. Which may be why one usually leads to the other.

A new spray product promises to treat men for premature ejaculation. The only problem is being able to get the top off the spray bottle fast enough when they need it.

A new spray product promises to treat men for premature ejaculation. Another suggestion is for those men to just keep going out with unattractive women.

A study says indoor tanning costs the U.S. millions of dollars in health care a year. Not from the effects of the UV rays, but from lying in the same tanning booths as all those other naked people.

Facebook is beefing up its suicide prevention tools. Apparently it is just too depressing to think they are wasting all their time every day on the site that just keeps making Mark Zuckerberg even richer.

A study says children get no real benefits from receiving dental care before they turn 2. To which most people in Alabama are saying by that time it’s too late anyway.

A posh London nightclub reportedly turned away six New Orleans Saints players because they were “too urban.” It serves them right for sporting an “urban” look while visiting such a rural area as London.

A posh London nightclub reportedly turned away six New Orleans Saints players because they were “too urban.” As opposed to Johnny Manziel who now gets kicked out of clubs because he is “too Bourbon.”

The USGA and R&A are proposing rules changes to make the game go faster. If they really want to speed things up they wouldn’t make it so each shot on the PGA Tour could determine who wins $1 Million in prize money each week.

The USGA and R&A are proposing rules changes to make the game go faster. The first thing they could do is make it so golf carts don’t have enough space to fit in an entire case of beer each round.

The Las Vegas Golden Knights have officially joined the NHL. The people there are not impressed. If anyone thinks that it can be painful getting hit into the boards, just try to show your face around town after not paying off a gambling debt.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A busy day around here yesterday with some severe weather. Not only was I able to keep area residents safe during a severe storm outbreak, I was able to fulfill my obligation towards providing you all with some bad humor. Now that is dedication! I just hope you continue to keep up your end of the bargain by remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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