Sunday, March 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A person who jumped the White House fence last week was on the grounds 17 minutes before being caught by the Secret Service. The agency says that’s what happens when someone breaches security during the last half hour of “The Voice.”

A person who jumped the White House fence last week was on the grounds 17 minutes before being caught by the Secret Service, even rattling a door handle. The agency says they ignored it for so long because that’s the same routine used by the delivery person when the order from Domino’s.

Oregon is considering a proposal to put tiny houses in people’s backyards they can rent to the homeless. Which will reportedly boost the economy by letting even the middle class get in on the booming business of becoming a slumlord.

A study says “tortured geniuses” are more likely to commit suicide than others. Mostly people with an IQ of 150 frustrated at only being able to find work at Best Buy while the Kardashians are raking in millions of dollars every week.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says diplomacy with North Korea has failed and war is on the table. Although before that happens there is still the option of ordering Kim Jong-un to a time out.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson says diplomacy with North Korea has failed and war is on the table. Apparently the only option left is military intervention getting nowhere at the negotiating table after giving it almost two whole months.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is not ruling out a preemptive military strike against north Korea. Which was the same strategy we used with Iraq and look how well that one turned out.

A study says supercomputers will accelerate medical advancements that could extend human life by ten years. Which can be used by people to work that extra decade they will need to have enough money to retire by the time they are 90.

A study says supercomputers will accelerate medical advancements that could extend human life by ten years. Which is good news for the seven people able to take advantage of the progress who still have health insurance by then.

A study says better sleep is as beneficial as winning the lottery. Which is true because only lottery winners don’t stay up all night worrying about how they are going to get out of debt.

A Manhattan public school complex has been without hot water for the past three years. Which is ironic in that usually school officials are spending their time trying to find ways to keep students out of hot water.

A school district in California has reported more than 500 cases of norovirus. The good news is they got around it by just having the kids pretend they just came back from a relaxing cruise with Carnival.

A group of doctors and medical professionals are saying climate change is a danger to the health of Americans. To which Donald Trump is saying they can thank him for creating jobs in the medical field to take care of all those new patients.

The Governor of South Dakota has vetoed bills that would loosen gun laws there. People were surprised. South Dakota has gun laws?

The Governor of South Dakota has vetoed bills that would loosen gun laws there. Although the only gun law on the books is the one prohibiting people from firing an AK-47 from a moving pickup truck with an open container in their hand.

A professor of behavior economics at Duke University is working on ways to help people make better decisions. So where was this guy when we all went to the polls last November?

A professor of behavior economics at Duke University is working on ways to help people make better decisions. Like avoiding going into debt for the next 30 years paying off college loans by enrolling at Duke.

Pharrell Williams is set to advertise a $3,600 Channel “man bag.” Although it won’t be a real man bag unless it carries a six pack of Budweiser, Glock 9 MM pistol and bottle of Sriracha sauce.

Visiting CEOs from German say they find President Trump receptive to German-style retraining for employees. As opposed to U.S. retraining which amounts to taking a former factory worker and showing them how to flip a burger.

Visiting CEOs from German say they find President Trump receptive to German-style retraining for employees. Which is just a little scary as Trump seems a bit too willing to do everything in his administration German-style.

The Treasury Department took steps last week to stop borrowing money. Meaning they shut down the printing presses for five minutes to give them a quick break before firing them back up at full speed for the next four years.

The Treasury Department took steps last week to stop borrowing money. Which economists say is a good idea to do for a couple of days every ten years or so whether we need to or not.

The Treasury Department took steps last week to stop borrowing money. Mostly to take a quick break to celebrate officially driving the national debt past the $20 Trillion mark before we start right up again.

The Trump Administration is suing to make it easier for President Trump to fire the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. They claim putting a single director in charge of an independent agency gives one person too much power. Which is apparently now only acceptable if that person is Donald Trump.

Fox News’ Andrew Napolitano is claiming President Obama using the British to spy on Donald Trump, the question being whether it was reporting or commentary. That will fall back on the Fox formula that all reporting must contain at least 50% truth.

Fox News’ Andrew Napolitano is claiming President Obama using the British to spy on Donald Trump, the question being whether it was reporting or commentary. To which Fox News is answering that question with “Yes.”

U.S. prosecutors are probing the leak of CIA materials to WikiLeaks. It’s just too bad the CIA doesn’t have access to some sort of intelligence gathering capabilities that would help them solve that case themselves.

Wal-Mart says it may start using drones like in-store messenger pigeons. Or as Wal-Mart customers will consider that, target practice.

A proposed bill in Congress would mandate the size of airline passenger seats. It looks like the nation’s lawmakers finally have our backsides.

A proposed bill in Congress would mandate the size of airline passenger seats. That’s nice. As soon as they pass that, they can then start to work on the outrageous fees, lack of service, cancelled flights, on-time performance, ticket prices…

A Michigan dad and daughter are transitioning together from formerly being mother and son. Now those are some people who really took it seriously when it was suggested they partake together in some family activities.

A University of New Orleans player appeared to put his hands around the neck of a teammate during a heated bench exchange at March Madness. The good news is that his experience at choking gives him a good chance at being drafted by the Clippers.

A California man was arrested for posing as a dentist while cooking meth in his office. Or as that is otherwise known in the dental industry “Breaking Bicuspid.”

A California man was arrested for posing as a dentist while cooking meth in his office. Apparently his excuse is that you need a license to buy novocaine.

A California man was arrested for posing as a dentist while cooking meth in his office. Which worked out well as after doing meth long enough, his customers found they no longer needed dental care anyway.

A company has recalled 21,000 pounds of frozen pizza sold at Wal-Mart because of the potential for listeria. The worst part is that the listeria is still the least harmful ingredient in any of the frozen pizzas.

A new blood test is said to be able to diagnose autism. Especially for the patients who can just look at the vial of blood and give an accurate red and white cell count, cholesterol ratio and blood glucose level.

Josh and Anna Duggar are reportedly expecting their fifth child. People were surprised at the news. Josh Duggar has sex with his wife?

A Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower was inside a backpack stolen from a car. The real question is why are Secret Service agents going around wearing backpacks?

A Secret Service laptop containing the floor plans to Trump Tower was inside a backpack stolen from a car. More importantly to the agents, it had all their favorite porn sites, video games and connections to send information to WikiLeaks.

Researchers in the Netherlands were able to pull nearly 43 gigabits per second through a ray of light. Which means it will take only seconds to search the entire Internet in order to find the five Websites that are available in Dutch.

British spy agency GCHQ denies the “ridiculous” claim that it wiretapped Donald Trump. If they wanted to know anything at all about what he was doing, thinking or planning they would have just followed him on Twitter.

A report says Washington, D.C. has the fastest Internet speeds in the U.S. Mostly so the members of the Trump Administration can send all their secret material to the people at WikiLeaks as fast as possible.

A report says Washington, D.C. has the fastest Internet speeds in the U.S. It’s so fast that Donald Trump can send out his latest rant on Twitter before even he knows what it was he was going to say.

A study says yogurt could reverse symptoms of depression. Except for the people who eat a whole carton of yogurt before they realize they are lactose intolerant.

A study says yogurt could reverse symptoms of depression. Except for the people who realize the only way they are going to feel better mentally is to eat yogurt every day for the rest of their life.

A study says community college students struggle to afford even the basics. Which will get even worse when they go out and think they have a chance at landing a decent job with an AA degree.

A study says clothing can cause back pain in some people. Especially the ones who spend three hours wriggling around on the floor trying to fit into a pair of skinny jeans.

A study says clothing can cause back pain in some people. Mostly the men who have to hold their breath and suck in their gut all day after making the decision to buy a pair of regular fit jeans.

A study says white wine can increase the chance of developing skin cancer. Mostly for the people who drink so much white wine outside they pass out in the sunshine for three hours.

A study says white wine can increase the chance of developing skin cancer. Especially for the people drinking white wine who have a skin tone that is even three shades whiter.

Researchers working with the Arizona State football team have compiled the largest dataset ever for diagnosing concussions. So far the most obvious symptom of a serious head injury is enrolling at Arizona State.

The government is seeking design proposals for Donald Trump’s border wall. So far, suggestions include making it 30 feet high and six feet deep. Which is exactly the same parameters recommended for a wall that can finally stop people from getting past the Secret Service and into the White House.

The Cubs World Series win cost Chicago $18.8 Million in overtime for the celebrations. Which isn’t a big deal considering it breaks down to an annual amortization rate of only $174,000 when spread over a period of 108 years.

A California company sent 150 NBA players potatoes with their pictures on it as a marketing promotion. It’s just too bad that it comes long after the retirement of Spud Webb.

A California company sent 150 NBA players potatoes with their pictures on it as a marketing promotion. Although in the case of the Brooklyn Nets players, it would have been more appropriate if they were instead sent some bricks.

Hearing impaired golfer Kaylin Yost shot a 67 in the opening round of her first start on the LPGA. That would be seen as a real advantage for the men who would no longer have to hear galleries yelling “Get in the hole!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of Chuck Berry at age 90. How ironic that the man who invented rock and roll would have a longer life span than just about everyone who followed him. Berry came up with many of the guitar riffs that are still being used by the best guitar players. Of course, unfortunately anyone under 30 is asking “What’s a guitar?” The opening riff of “Johnny B. Goode” is probably the most ripped off line of music anywhere. The sad part about our musical taste is that with all his iconic hits, his only number one record was “My Ding-a-Ling.” Go figure. I hope you all listen to a bit of his work today and realize what an influence he was to many generations of musicians and their fans. It wouldn’t hurt to also remember to make sure to keep on always sending the love!


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